(..ke up.), I hear a muffled voice, (Suggestion: wake up! It is half-past reasonable!)

“Hey, voice in my head, just... shut up for five more minutes.”

(Response: acknowledged.)

I can’t even see clearly yet and that disembodied voice is already pissing me off. It sounds like my new voice but in a very robotic monotone. God, I hope there’s a way to change that.

Ah good, my eyes have finally started doing their job. As I look around I see that I’m sitting in the shade of a tree. I couldn't identify the type of tree if my life depended on it; orange, spiral patterned bark, white leaves - I'll write this up to my eyes not working properly yet. The grass looks a brownish-green, no wildlife or monsters in sight - knowing my luck this will change in a few minutes.

It seems to be a few hours before sunset. Just a few hours earlier and I’d be sitting directly in the sun – whose bright idea was it to drop a freshly born vampire just outside with no cover from the sun!?

Curiosity gets the better of me and I stretch out my hand out of the shade. An incredible pain envelopes my hand and I quickly take it back. The exposed area looks heavily burned. I'll need an extremely strong sun blocker if I want to enjoy anything that ISN'T the nightlife.

(Proposal: refrain from doing that again), nags the copycat.

“Yeah, yeah. Can you please stop talking in this weird monotone rip-off voice? It's creeping me out.”

It answers, (Response: you can adjust my settings to your liking in your status menu.)

Right, Eva said something about almost all worlds having access to status screens. Or was it Jeff? Now if they had told me how to access it… And just as I think that the status screen appears in front of me.

“Hey, Zero-Four-Two, where do I find your settings here?”

Without a hint of emotion it reacts, (Response: they are in the ‘navigator’ tab.
Query: shall Zero-Four-Two be my new designation?)

“Hell no. Crap, what's with the 50 or so setting tabs… how much shit do I need to configure.”

Status, inventory, classes, race, skills, titles, experience, party, UI, controls, music, system, admin, again a few glitched entries. Wait ‘admin’? Why do I have that? Ok, never mind, clicking on it gives a password prompt and 'admin' is wrong. Was worth a try.

There are also Jeff’s documents. Those will have to wait until I’m somewhere safe.

“Say, why is all of this in English? That wasn’t my first language, I’m nowhere close to good with it. Shouldn’t it usually translate everything into my primary language?”

The bodyless voice answers, (Response: Unknown. There’s no option for it in the settings either.
Hypothesis: due to a lack of resources only the most popular language of a given world is supported.)

“But the most ‘popular’ language clearly is ‘moron’.”

sigh

“This will totally not bite me in the ass down the line, nope, nope, nope.”

Ah, there’s ‘Navigator’. Let's see what can I change. Active, name, voice style, volume, personality. Good, 'active' is the promised timeout button for the brain bug.

Let's see, voice is set to ‘same as user’, no thanks, what else can I choose... 001, 002, 003, ... it goes all the way to 083 but no hint what is what... Couldn’t someone label them so I’ve at least a small idea of what I’m getting into?

“Since you’re truanting in my head you should know which number would fit me best, right?”

(Response: negative), not even a hint of hesitation, great.

sigh

“Random selection it is then. How about 21? Please say something.”

(#!/(&§”)*=@&/)§/$?)”), it beeps.

Oh god, my ears. Did someone unleash a banshee?! “That is a clear no.”

Not only half the menu options are glitched out but the voice clips as well. What the hell has happened that the universe is in such a sad state?

After a couple more bleeding ears from a multitude of satan imitators, screaming children and 80s dial-up noises, I finally end up with a distinctly normal voice for my navi; if I had to guess a woman in her early 20s.

“Ok, one half of the selection done. If I adjust the ‘personality’ setting will you stop the leading ‘Response:’ or ‘Proposal:’ crap?”

(Response: affirmative.)

grrrrr

Ok, what options do we have this time... hey, we have names for a change! Klutz, idealist, bitch, princess, aloof, tsundere, ... do we have anything normal, please?

I scroll through the never-ending list and make my choice. To verify if it works as intended I ask, “Are there any other pressing changes I have to make in the setting?”

A much less robotic voice answers, (I don’t think there are any vital settings that need changing but I’d suggest setting exp distribution to manual at least.)

“Ok, I’ll do just that then.”

In the experience tab, I see that I already have 3 exp but the cheapest level up would take 1000.

“Can you observe my exp total and give me a heads up when I reach the required value for the next designated goal? I think I want to save up for level 2 wizard first.”

The voice in my head affirms, (Yes, I can do that. But be aware that you can only assign exp during a ‘rest’), she warns me, (You can’t suddenly assign a level-up during battle to turn a situation around.)

“Good, I’ll keep that limitation in mind. Say, how much can you interact with the outside world? Can you see things I can’t?”

She dashes my hopes, (No, that is not possible. I’m operating on the same senses as you. Though I can use [Appraise] while you are busy otherwise.)

“Wasn’t [Appraise] an expensive spell? I don’t think I’ll have the MP to spare for that for a long time.”

(Normally that is true), she explains, (but the title that added me also made [Appraise] free to use and always give the maximum possible amount of information.)

“So much for the no cheats premise.”

She scoffs, (Not a cheat. Everyone can use it - if they have the MP.)

“I’ll stand by what I said.”

It seems to be still a few hours before the sun is gone so that I can go... anywhere else, really.

“Do we have a place where I can take shelter from the sun tomorrow?”

(None yet. How about looking around?)

Genius…

I see a wooden… construction in the distance. “Is that a village?”

(Looks like it to me. I estimate it to be 1050 DU away.)

“What the hell is DU?”

She explains, (Distance units. The local counterpart to feet or meter. Its exact value varies with the local gravity constant and is relative to the current distance between the sun and the moon. For reference, currently, you’re about 2.07 DU tall.)

“Ok, timeout. This DU concept sounds like utter bullshit! What madman comes up with such an idea? This is totally impractical. How even do you measure the sun-moon distance when your distance metric depends on said distance!? Science with such a base unit is also impossible! How do you record research results if they are only valid for a given time of day! What a load of crap!!!”

(Rant detected, sir.)

“What?”

(Rant cleared, sir.)

“...someone’s watched too many memes.”

sigh

“So with that weird distance, how long to reach the presumed village?”

The voice in my head answers me, (Less than half an hour of walking.)

“No weird time unit?”

(No weird time unit.)

“God, this world isn't even consistently weird.”

“Ok, notify me when the sun is down and it is safe to go. Until then I’ll check the menu, I guess.”

She agrees, (Understood.)

Let's start with my status.

“Jared Delacroix, huh? Sounds almost normal. At least better than what I would’ve come up with. I assume those plus values are from equipment. And what, the 2 seconds I had my hand in the sun already killed me by 5%? So what, I don’t even last a minute in the sun.”

She agrees, (Correct on all three counts.)

"And the values in brackets?"

(Base value if you didn't have the 20% penalty or any form of upkeep.)

“Shit, INT is not a stat, so I won’t automatically become a genius just by leveling up…
not that it ever works that way even if it does for STR for some reason. Are the stats as I expect them to be with STR for physical damage and VIT for physical defense or do they have some weird quirks?”

She begins her lecture, (They are pretty much straightforward.
HP: they hit 0, you die
MP: used to cast spells
SP: used for physical skills
STR: physical attack power
DEX: ability to hit or evade
VIT: physical defense
MAG: magic attack power
FTH: power of healing effects and holy spells
WIL: defense against magic and social skills
CHA: social skills)

“Simple enough, now equipment…”

“Wait, I see that I wear the tunic and the cloak but where is the staff?”

Just as I say it a staff appears in my hand, “Figures.”

(I have to warn you: you lack the relevant skill for that weapon type so it is not advisable to rely on it.)

“Should’ve been obvious just by looking at my class or STR stat. How big is the penalty for not having the skill? Will it just do less damage or will it magically drop out of my hand when I try to hit someone?”

She responds, (You should expect about a 20% decrease in attack power.)

“Ok, so still good enough to convert SP into some extra damage when MP is depleted.”

The voice in my head gets curious, (While we wait for the sun to go down may I inquire about your goals?
I have a rough understanding from searching your memories but I want to confirm so I can provide more purposeful advice.)

“Good idea, so we're on the same page. Let's see..."

I need to order my thoughts for a moment, "so the primary goal is of course to survive and grow stronger. I have some blood supplies from the starter pack but sooner rather than later they will be depleted. It would be nice if I can achieve a long-term deal where I can avoid killing or harming people for that. But my survival has absolute priority for me. So I’ll also need to become powerful, maybe not to Saitama-levels but at least enough to fend off something like a ‘hero’ party or group of ‘vampire hunters’ coming after my head.”

(That much was obvious, does this style of survival also include at least partial world conquest to secure a blood supply?)

“I’d rather not, I’m not exactly a leader type. And practically speaking this would just paint another target on my back.”

(Good, what else?)

"Second, I need more information. About the general situation, politics, my skills, enemies I’ll have to deal with, possibly physics, everything.”

(Noted.)

“Long term I need to make sure that the ‘demon artifact’ is destroyed. Well, we’d have to locate it first. All the immortality in the world doesn’t do me any good if the world I’m on explodes because of a blasphemous rock.”

(Ok, so more or less as expected.)

“Oh, and we need to find a way to give you your own body so I can punch you in the face for your comment earlier!”

(You’d hit a girl?!), she exclaims.

“You are just a figment of my imagination. But yes if she deserves it I’ll hit ‘even’ a girl, I don’t discriminate there. Say, would people be able to hear you or are you just in my head?”

(The latter. If you wish to ‘talk’ with me without speaking just ‘think’ about it, we should have a telepathic link because of how the skill works.)

Wait, what? I can do that?
(Why didn’t you tell me sooner!?)

She scoffs, (You didn’t ask.)

This stupid brain bug, (...You should know whether or not I know something… so in the future when I don’t know something that important TELL ME and don’t wait until I ask!)

(Understood, I’ve updated the goal list with the stated goals.)

With all of that out of the way, I finally ask, (So, how can I address you? Just saying ‘hey you’ sounds weird after a while.)

She responds, (That is your decision, I’m your property after all.)

(Any preference for a name?)

I can feel her shrugging in my head, (None.)

I think for a moment, (Elly.)

She accepts it, (Affirmative, from now on my designation shall be ‘Elly’.)

(Do you not even want to know why I chose that name?)

(Hmm… I didn’t consider asking but now that you offer, please explain.)

(Now I’m not telling.)

(…), she may be a part of my subconscious but I can just feel her sighing.

The sun is still up, so I check my inventory. I’m curious about the actual blood rations. There’re over 600 packs there. (Isn’t that a bit much blood? Eva said I’d get a year’s worth maybe a year and a half. How much blood do I actually need per week?)

Elly answers, (I calculate that you’d need a minimum of 1.5 of those packs per week. We’re talking almost 8 years' worth if you ration them and only go about 10% above the minimum required amount of blood to not suffer hunger.)

I know that math is hard but that is massively off from what I expected.

(Please double-check that calculation.)

She thinks it through again, (Sure, give me a second… and it's the same result.)

(I get the feeling that we’re missing a vital piece of information on this. Well, given the scale of the whole mission 7 years extra isn’t even that much to begin with. Between only being level 1 at age 18, half exp gain and the 20% HP penalty I doubt it’ll even last me until I reach the age-appropriate level. Which is what? 10? 15? 20?)

She answers, not, (I dunno, oh hey, the sun is down, let's go!)

(Way to change the topic…)