Luckily, the interrogation room has no windows, so no sunburns for me. But then, I’d like to at least see a bit more from the whole fortress.

All I have to work with is an empty table, two chairs and a door. I don’t have much experience with point-and-click games but this looks like a softlock to me.

Elly switches on some appropriate background music.

(Thank you, Elly.)

I think back to what I’ve seen so far in the fortress, (It is kinda weird how I saw no ranged attackers earlier if they are preparing for effectively a siege, no archers, no mages, no pots with boiling oil or anything, nothing.)

Elly responds, (You have to ask that someone else who knows the situation here better, or at all. Might even earn you some brownie points if that is revolutionary tech.)

(As if no one ever thought of just throwing stones from the top of the walls in thousands of years. That is as unlikely as the shitty soap cliché – all the parts are there but only the dumbass protagonist can smash them together, put them in a pot and stir once for a result.)

Against my better judgment I check the status screen for a crafting tab - and find it, (...oh hey, there are even craft recipes for all of the cliché isekai 'revolutionary' items already. So that is at least off the table.)

Elly asks, (But then why no arrows or rocks?)

I sigh, (Don’t tell me gravity is on vacation...)

I pick one of the coins I looted from the tutorial party and throw it at the wall. It drops as expected.

I can just scratch my head in confusion, (So that’s not the problem.)

Another thought crosses my mind, (Say, if I can’t bust the door open with my non-existent STR what prevents a big ass rock from an earth spell from achieving that instead?)

(You certainly can try that but I’d recommend not to), she advises against it.

(Because then I’d have an army on my ass that are afraid of a rampaging vampire?)

(Because then you’d have an army on your ass afraid of a rampaging vampire), she echoes.

Yeah, I have to stay here alone for now.

(At least you have me to keep you company?), Elly reads my mind.

(Oh yes, sure, my schizophrenia will keep me from being lonely.)

She defends herself, (No, no, I’m real, I swear! Even god approved!)

(Good, then give me a hug.)

(I... can’t do that), Elly sounds down.

(Waifu case closed.)

I check the menu for any interesting tabs. The ones with glitched names can’t be opened, admin still wants a password I don’t have and... (I take the fact that there ISN’T a pay-to-win cash shop as proof that this is real life and not just fantasy a gaming session under drug influence.)

She asks, (What does this revelation change?)

(Not much. Besides driving home the fact that I died and don’t even know how or why.)

I feel tears rolling down my cheeks.

So far it hadn’t set in. It could still have been a dream. But this is real. I’m a monster now, got some children killed. Drank their blood and was happy about how good it tasted. What a messed-up rollercoaster. And there’s no happy end in sight for anyone.

Especially not if I fail my job.

(Thinking too much again?), Elly shakes me out of my thoughts.

(Yep, guilty as charged.)

She asks, (As a distraction, how about looking through the available titles and choosing one?)

(I don’t feel like I’m up for such a heavy decision right now. Got something more lightweight?)

She responds, (I feel like the ‘Help’ section would be too much as well then. How about checking out some of Gzeph’s notes? Maybe they have some hints in there that’ll make you feel better about whatever ails you right now.)

(I doubt it. But give it a shot.)

Elly adds, (I’d suggest we start with the files regarding which classes and titles he thinks you should take.)

I follow Elly’s advice and look for the entry marked ‘Ideal Class Build’.

Of course, it is, (Why am I surprised...)

(Uh, sorry?), she sounds sincerely apologetic.

(I think I just want to spend the rest of the night verifying what we guessed about classes, races, mechanics and such. Not in the mood for even more disappointments.)

Elly points out several relevant notes from Jeff. From what we understand we weren’t wrong so far but didn’t learn anything new that seems relevant.

I learn that aside from the shapes I can add status effects to my spells by wasting another 30 MP. Bah, status effects. They never work when you need them anyway!

The biggest revelation is how much [Cure Magic] actually sucks. Undead can’t use it, ever; already found that out the hard way... Additionally, there seems to be no AOE healing and on a MP for MP basis, attack spells deal about 10(!) times as much damage as a cure can heal. Well, if the target has no magic defense. But then damage spells can roughly double that by hitting a weakness or critical spot.

In some other document, Gzeph tries to argue that defense is near worthless but considering it does still something and I don’t get a second chance if my HP hits 0 I’ll still take all the def I can get, thank you very much, four-eyes!

By morning, I check my exp. The 2 days of travel and the night of ‘research’ were worth a massive 62 exp, bringing me to a total of 83 exp. Heck yeah! I’m almost ready to take on the final boss.

knock knock

“You know I couldn’t open the door if I wanted to - and I don’t.”

Unhandsome Jack opens the door, “Hey, uh, I hope you don’t bite?”

“Only if you want me to, though given the choice I’d prefer a cute girl.”

“Funny. Here, Therese told me to give this to you”, he gives me a medium-sized bag.

Inside is a blue-silver uniform, (how the hell did they get my size?)

(For what? Clothing can be size and color adjusted in the inventory), explains Elly.

(It can what!? You want to tell me I could’ve changed the ugly green of my ‘Sun Clock’ all this time?)

She answers, (Uh, yes? Sorry, I didn’t think it was important.)

(Elly, whatever do I have to do to you...)

I adjust the shade of green on my cloak to look less like vomit.

The system identifies the uniform as a robe.

Doesn’t look worse than what I had and has better stats than my ‘Tunic’, deal.

“Too bad the robe doesn’t come with a wizard hat.”

Our resident slacker responds, “Those are freaking rare – if you want a shot at getting one you’d need to reach the top ranks in the main branch in the capital or something. No one knows how to produce those relics anymore.”

“But they had such a powerful robe just lying around?”

He explains, “I think we had two or three of those, and besides you, there are no magic users around. The best we can do currently is just plain armor, nothing fancier than pure defense and then only low-quality stuff.”

Besides the uniform, the bag also contains a rock, a tag and a ring.

The rock is supposedly a ‘Class Core’; it is a blue, smooth rock with several orange squiggly lines on it. I can’t use it currently so into the inventory it goes.

“What’s with this lump of metal?”, I ask Jack pointing at the dog tag lookalike.

He answers, “That’s your ID. You should wear it at all times. Yours is a bit special, it contains a beacon that can be located with a special magic device, it is a... special measure in case you betray my expectation.”

“I hate being observed; what expectation do you even have of me?”

“Eh, I think I’ve got a talent in judging people’s character at first glance and you don’t seem to me like you’ll cause too much trouble, at least not more than me...”, Jack twiddles his thumbs.

“And the beacon is not actively tracked. The guys in the central have a crystal ball or something that can be used to get the current location but it only gives rough coordinates of where this thing is right at that moment. And... the resources on that are as limited as the truth crystal – by the way, Therese is really pissed, she says you pulled some stunt yesterday that completely depleted the gem. If you value your hide you better don’t get in her way for the near future.”

“Didn’t plan to.”

As for the ring, jackpot!

I ‘equip’ it in my second ring slot.

(Hey, exactly what I needed.)

Elly explains, (Well, it gives you about an hour and it will only work for the next few levels, after that you’ll again take damage even during that hour.)

(Any way to properly hide it? Don’t want to expose such an obvious weak spot during the day.)

She answers, (Same way you changed the cloak's color, you can set it to ‘not visible’ – though that option doesn’t exist for weapons and body armors for logical reasons.)

I change the cloak more to a blueish-grey color so it doesn’t clash as badly with the blue-silver uniform it is attached to.

I point at the ring, “If Therese wanted to propose to me I would totally accept, but I’d prefer if she did it in person.”

Jack is exasperated, “Dude, what did I just say, she’ll kill you if she hears you say that.”

“I know, I was just joking. She isn’t my type at all.”

While Jack isn’t looking I set both rings to hidden.

“So what’s the plan now? I understood that I should get trained in the Survivor class and last I checked you don’t have that.”

He tells me, “Yeah, all of them are stuck helping with the other refugees. I’m just here to have an eye on you and maybe show you around a bit.”

“As long as you don’t drag me too long through the sun. I’d kinda like to keep the 'un' to my 'dead' for the foreseeable future.”

He scratches his head, “Yeah, don’t worry, I’m... aware of that restriction.”

“Speaking of who else all knows what I am?”

He shrugs, “Probably not many. Therese likes to keep such topics on a need-to-know basis. People... don’t take too well to the presence of you undead.”

I totally understand that, “Can’t fault them, I’d feel the same."

A thought crosses my mind, shouldn't I adjust my appearance? "Say, I have the [Disguise] skill, is there any reason against me changing my hair color at this point? It is basically common knowledge that we Silver Elves natively get [Cure Magic] and... well, I can’t use it for – now – obvious reasons. Don’t need a repeat of... that incident.”

Jack has to think for a moment, “I’d say don’t do that. Everyone who is informed about you would be looking for a Silver Elf, if I suddenly present them a ‘Sun Elf’ or something they’d probably be pissed. Trust me, most of them don’t have much tolerance for such a stunt. Also, you’d need to be able to imitate the natural skills of whatever race you choose as a facade; you’d just trade one problem for another.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

He adds, “And really, at least civilians won’t randomly ask for your help. This uniform tells them that you belong to the military here and as such your skills ‘belong’ to whoever is your acting superior, meaning from tomorrow on the guy that’ll train you in ‘Survivor’. Now enough talking, let's get going. And... if I should forget about your time limit feel free to kick me.”

I nod, “Gotcha.”

Jack guides me through half the building to what looks like the living quarters.

We halt in front of a door.

Jack searches through his pockets, “Ah, here you go, the keys to your new home for the near future.”

He opens the door and hands me the key, “Lucky you, mages are valuable, so you get a private room.”

I look inside. There’s a single bed, a wardrobe, a desk with some drawers and two chairs. The sole window is covered by thick, grey curtains. It seems like they suffice to protect me against the sun while I’m in the room.

Afterwards, Jack also shows me where various facilities like the kitchen and toilets are; besides pretending to be ‘normal’, I have no use for any of them.

He shows me where the training grounds are. It is an open space with some training dummies.

Do I... talk at it until it screams 'dummy, dummy, dummy!'?

Jack explains that while they are indestructible hitting them still grants some experience though less than even a Lv1 monster.

He leaves me alone for a moment to answer nature’s call.

I take a few swings with my staff.

Nice.

My whole SP pool... translates into 1 exp... ONE!!

At least I know now that defense is no linear subtraction, yay?

I try my spells.

Eh, 2 short of a keeper.

My whole MP pool gives me 3 exp. ALMOST worth it. Not even a whole year until Level 2!!

Shit.

“What are you doing?”, Jack scolds me.

“Trying to get some exp – but a whole day’s worth of MP and SP doesn’t even give me as much as an hour of learning.”

He stops me, “Yeah, you’re doing that wrong. Doesn’t matter today. Tomorrow your new trainer will show you how to train properly.”

(We clearly don’t know enough. I doubt there was anything in Jeff’s files?)

The voice in my head denies this possibility, (No, nothing as far as I’ve seen.)

(Figures. Still waiting for any of them to be worth something.)

After this waste of resources, we leave the military grounds and head to town.

Jack just gives me a rough tour, mostly where I find shops.

He can’t answer my question if there is a library, or rather he knows that there should be one somewhere but not where or if it still exists; he can’t read so it was never of importance to him.

We end the tour in front of a giant mansion.

If there ever was a building that screamed ‘corrupt noble’s private manor’ this was it.

Jack stammers, “This is both the most, quote-unquote, ‘important’ and at the same time most useless building in this fortress. It is called a ‘Lord’s Mansion’.”

I feel conflicted. On one hand, nobles tended to be the cause of way too many conflicts in history. On the other... I have the ‘Vampire Noble’ subrace, so am I not a noble myself?

Jack continues, “It is currently unclaimed, has been since way before I was born.”

“What do you mean by unclaimed? If no one lives there can’t you repurpose it for something else?”

“Ah, right, the memory thing. How to explain it...”, he thinks for a moment, “the building is really important, we can’t just do things with it. If we did this whole fortress would just go up in smoke, literally.”

Wait, what? “I’m not sure I understand.”

Jack tries to explain, “The ‘Lord’s Mansion’ is like the heart of a fortress or other settlement. Rip out my heart and I die, same for a fortress and its main manor.”

“That is... a disturbing picture. So why is it still abandoned if it is so important?”

He elaborates, “The house has a mind of its own. It doesn’t just accept anyone. Each manor has its own requirement and since they are buildings they don’t exactly talk our language. So we can’t figure out what flavor of rules this house wants. And any noble that tried so far was rejected.”

“What kind of requirement could it even be?”

“We don’t know”, Jack looks kinda dejected.

“As I keep telling you”, a strange voice booms, “I just want three things: a noble, able to cast spells from six types and a good beer.”

“Did... did the house just speak?”, I ask confused.

Jack responds, “Yes, it does that but no one understands what it says.”

The, uh, house sounds upset, “What is there not to understand? I don’t even use big words!”

“I guess someone is upset”, I tell both of them.

“Of course I am”, Jack responds, “you don’t yet understand how important for the future of the fortress it is that we find a compatible noble”, he wanders off, AGAIN forgetting about me.

“Hey, wait! ... eh, too late.”

I turn to the house confused, “Did I hear you right earlier? You want a beer?”

The voice from nowhere answers, “Of course! Do you have any idea how dry I am? Hadn’t anything to drink for centuries!”

“Understandable, so a beer, will add it to my list.”

I still don’t understand ‘how’ the house talks. No part moves. Probably a form of sound magic. Whatever.

Some onlookers are puzzled as to what is going on. I hear them mumbling that I’d be speaking a strange language. Wait, I am what? I hadn’t noticed. Eh, the why or how can wait.

It wanted someone able to cast six 'types'. Do my four elements plus the defective cure count for five and I just need one more?

...I don’t like where this is going. I don’t want to be responsible for government shit.

But... asking can’t hurt, right? I'm not a cat, curiosity! So you can't kill me! Ha!

“You said six types of magic, does my [Cure Magic] count towards that even if I can’t use it because I’m undead?”

“Hmm... ”, it has to think.

This whole scene is too bizarre. I’m talking with a freaking house and arguing about magical details.

Finally, it answers, “I’d be fine with it if the beer is good enough.”

sigh

I must be insane. That is the only sane explanation for what is happening right now.

“If you don’t mind me asking what exactly is the purpose of you ‘accepting’ someone as a ruler, what does that entail?”

The house explains, “I don’t mind. It has been ages since I had a chance to properly talk with someone. I’m not entirely sure what the consequences are for me being ‘unclaimed’, I can’t really see much with the state my fortress is in. You’d be better off asking some of the humans if you want to know what is missing currently. But once I accept someone as a new ruler and ‘awaken’ once more my fortress can flourish again. My walls can expand, houses will be able to grow again, new ones may spring into existence – it has been some time since I went to sleep. I’m a bit... fuzzy on the details. I just recall the previous rulers feeding me a lot of gold and me becoming stronger from it, greater, more majestic. Oh, how I yearn for those days. Now I’m just a shriveled-up puny pile of rocks.”

(I get some HoMM3 vibes here, you, Elly?)

She answers, (That is certainly a possibility for what it means. We have the RPG elements down, so some form of malformed city builder isn’t out of the picture.)

(I swear this whole world is getting too game-like for my taste. What’s next? Stupid low-effort mini-game and then fade-to-black instead of normal relationship stuff?)

By my understanding, it is important that this fortress gets a new lord, “You seem dissatisfied with your current state, so why are you so picky then? I don’t see how being able to cast a few spells relates to someone’s ability to be a good ruler.”

“Pride", it states bluntly, "I’ve always chosen that way and never once was it a bad pick.”

"You know what, I can get behind that."

We talk some more but mostly small talk, I learn little of value.

After some time, Elly reminds me, (Hey, uh, we should leave soon. The ‘Sun Cloak’ is almost depleted.)

“Ah, sorry. Thanks to my... state I can’t really stay outside too long. We’ll have to continue another time.”

The mansion replies, “I understand. No worry, I’ve plenty of time. It’s not like I can run away if I wanted to.”

Jack never gave me a heads-up about where else I should go or what I should do if we get separated so I take my leave and return to my room.

(Hey, Elly, any idea why I could understand that house? There’s no ‘speak all languages even made up ones’ skill in any of my classes.)

She answers, (I’m not sure. One option I can think of is a side effect of the ‘Lost One’ title. It lets you speak the three most popular languages fluently. I would have guessed that you just get the local equivalents of Chinese, English and Spanish. But if there are only one or two ‘human’ languages it might be possible that ‘house speak’ is in the top 3.)

(That sounds sufficiently absurd. So this must be the right answer! God this day.)

...

Dear diary, today I befriended a mansion.

I think I need two beers.