Chapter 1: A Failed Death

I am a failure.

That all I was, or ever will be.

I tried. God knows I’ve tried. Again and again, with every fiber of my being. But in the end, I don’t have a single dime to show for it.

All those sleepless nights. All those blood sweat and tears, what were they all for?

I don't know. I really don’t know anymore.

I never asked much of life. I didn't have high expectations. But I ended up disappointed all the same.

When did it all go wrong?

I looked back and saw myself making all the wrong decisions at every junction of my life. It was obvious in hindsight. So obvious, I couldn't even blame God for my short-sightedness.

I think it all went wrong from the very beginning. I never had a fighting chance. Not because of my health, my upbringing, or society. But because I am me, a failure.

A disappointment.

A waste of resources.

An evolution dead end.

Perhaps it was all for the best. If I had children, I would’ve let them down as well.

So what now?

I fully accepted myself for what I am. So what am I supposed to do now?

Jump off a bridge? Find God? Drop off the grid and live in the woods till I die of malaria?

Someone tell me what to do.

I don't want to think anymore. Don't want to feel anymore. Don't want to be me anymore.

Do I want to die?

I’m afraid. We may call it the sweet release or the easy way out. But how do we know that for sure? Maybe all life feared death for a good reason. Maybe there is nothing but more pain and more suffering on the other side. Maybe life’s the only chance you’ll ever get of obtaining happiness. Before eternal damnation.

I’m not a religious man. But I’m not a smart man either. I don’t have all the secrets of the cosmos. And I don't pretend to.

I have failed at every single aspect of my life for so long, I’m afraid I’m going to fail at death as well.

What should I do?

What could I do?

I don’t know. I really don’t know.

God please, if you’re listening, give me a path, or strike me down. I’ll be grateful either way.

***

“Amen.”

I was standing on the bridge, looking at the raging water below. I’ve waited for this day for a long while now. For the day the water was just right, for one final dip.

But now that I’m here, I was once again reminded of my indecisiveness. The same personality flaw that had wrestled many opportunities away from my grasp.

I was still grasping for straws. Waiting for someone to run up, and tell me everything will be alright. That someone somewhere still needs me and would be sad when I’m gone.

But I’m not George Bailey. I don’t have a guardian angel who’d pop up to show me what would happen if I hadn’t been born at all. What great impacts I’ve made on people’s lives.

What did they say at the end of that movie again?

‘Remember no man is a failure who has friends.’

Way to rub it in, Clarence.

Way to rub it in.

I chuckled as I was reminded of another quote.

‘Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.’

The world's most beloved pedophile uttered those words, so he couldn’t be wrong.

I chuckled.

Gazing down at the depthless river below, I laughed and shook my head.

“So I failed even at this, huh?”

I stepped away from the railing and looked up at the clouds. Maybe there’s a rainbow hidden up there. I don’t have anything better to do, so let’s spend the rest of the day looking for it.

I swiped the rain droplets off my jacket and headed off to chase a rainbow. I was in a chipper mood than I’ve been in the past few months. There were dances in my footsteps as I intentionally jumped on the water puddles.

Oh, what fun.

Oh, what joy.

It’s so good to be alive in this wonderful world!

At that moment, I heard the shirk of a metal beast and the burning smell of tires.

I turned my head to see a white colossus speeding at my fleshy meat bag.

I smiled at the incoming bus and widened my arms as if waiting for a hug from my long-lost friend.

It misses!

It fucking missed my ugly ass!

The bus broke through the metal railing and plunged to the watery grave below.

Hey, come back here you blind bastard! Let’s rewind, and do it over again!

I quickly ran down to the riverbank, to see the white and blue box filled with people getting swept away by the raging tide.

“Fuck you, assholes! That was supposed to be my spot!”

I cried out and pulled out what remained of my hair. My heart was beating like a war drum, as my brain felt like it was dropped into acid.

I was angry.

Far angrier than I’ve been in years.

I took off my jacket and jumped into the river. The intense flow punched my sides and tried to drag me away. But I gritted my teeth and fought my way to the bus.

Again the water tried to drag me down to its depths, but I persisted and grabbed onto the metallic elephant.

It was impossible to open the door so I used my bony fist to punch the window. My fingers snapped and my knuckles cracked.

I didn’t care.

I punched and I kicked and I yelled like a mad dog. Again and again and again.

The people inside the bus were screaming in horror as they helplessly watched the insane hobo trying to join them.

Let me in! Let me in!!!

I think my left pinky just fell off. I’m not sure. Both my hands had lost all strength and are misshapen beyond repair. But all good that had done was making a spider web across the tough glass.

Fuck me. Fuck my life. Fuck God. And fuck you too!

I leaned my balding head back before slamming it like a sledgehammer! My skull cracked and my brain turned to mush. There was now a head-sized dent on the window.

I did it again and again and again until my nose broke and my eyes popped out.

Eventually, for the first time in my life… I succeeded at something!

The tough glass was now like cardboard, even with my broken limbs, I was able to tear it apart and climb in.

My heavy body fell on the seat. Shards of broken glass pricked under my skin like angry porcupines. My throat and lungs were burning as the cold finally kicked in. Why did I leave my jacket on the shores again?

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters anymore.

I used the bloody stumps that once were my hands to push myself up. My eyes only saw a blurry black white and red. Kinda cool, gotta admit.

There were shadowy figures in the bus with me. Assholes who were trying to steal my reservation. I gave them a gloating grin before stumbling to find a seat.

At that moment the shadow moved and rushed past me. They pushed me to the side and tried to climb out the way I came in. My weak body got knocked to the ground. Footsteps of people walked over my back, almost snapping my spine in half.

Is this what messages feel like?

Kinda relaxing, not gonna lie.

But as soon as it started, the footsteps were gone. I was left on the floor, vomiting blood. The iron taste filled my mouth and my nose stopped working. A few nasally short breaths were all I could muster.

Icy water came pouring in, giving me a freezing burial.

It was dark. I was cold.

But I was happy.

I asked the Lord to give me either a purpose or death. He gave me both.

Ask and ye shall receive.

Hallelujah.

***

“Waaahh! Waahh!!! Waaaahhh!!!”

There was a baby.

Of course, there’s always a baby.

Once again, I failed.

All those blood, sweat, and tears. What were they all for?

I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.

I simply got up, went to the ear-piercing sound, and took the small shadow into my arms.

It was warm and full of life.

With a single contract, I knew. This kid was a winner. He or she will grow up to accomplish things I couldn’t dare imagine.

Their life will be laid with rose petals and heaven itself will bend to make sure there wasn’t a single bump or sorrow in their path.

That’s why I am here.

That’s why I was born into this world.

My life, my very existence, was designed solely for this one task.

I should curse God.

But I’m glad. At Least now, I know what it was all for.

With that realization, my blind eyes could see the baby girl in my arms. My lungs could breathe like an athlete. My limbs were filled with strength.

I straightened my sorry figure. Moved my legs through the liquid ice.

I saw an expensive warm jacket lying up top. Miraculously, there wasn’t a single drop of water on the damn thing. It was warm and inviting. I instantly recognized that it wasn’t meant for someone like me, so I used it to bundle the kid.

There was no doubt in my mind that the baby would make it. Though the freezing cold, though the rapid tides.

For she was a winner.

God’s chosen used her big brown eyes to stare at the funny man who was no more than her servant. Her stepping stone.

She laughs.

Mockingly.

Carelessly.

I covered her gloating face with a warm cloth, held the bundle of life with my teeth, then dived out the window.

My hands were stumps.

My spline was crooked.

But the kid would make it. I won’t.

For she is a winner, and I am a failure.

I just have to make sure I fail slow enough for her to win.

It won’t be hard.

I’m good at failing.

***

The booming sound of jet engines snapped me back to reality. A spacecraft passed overhead as it made its way to the landing pad just outside of the bustling port city.

My mind had wandered off to the moments before my death. Reminding me how good it was to be given another chance.

I am grateful.

To God. To that child.

They demanded my life, and in return, had given me another. A clean slate. A new beginning.

I never expected much out of my previous life, and yet I was disappointed.

So now that I was reborn anew.

Let's give it another shot, yeah?

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