The moment Agent Pluto walked into his office at Area 51, his assistant handed him an assignment. He threw the folder onto his desk and took a sip of his coffee. Another day of going through UFO videos and supposed alien visitations. The videos were usually of planes, and the visitations were always the hallucinations of people either high or drunk (or both).
“You’re going to want to look at that,” his assistant, Eupheme, said.
“Sure I do,” Pluto muttered sarcastically, sitting at his desk and taking out his phone.
“I’m serious,” Eupheme said. “It’s great.”
Pluto scrolled through his social media for a half hour, feet up on his desk. When he finally opened the folder, he almost spat out his coffee. A screenshot from a social media page greeted him. A young woman, probably only in her late twenties, was sticking her tongue out, blonde hair in pigtails, wearing a skimpy outfit. He could tell she was at a party from the confetti and drunk people dancing in the background.
The girl didn’t shock him. What shocked him was the alien with his arm casually around her shoulders, smiling at the camera. He was what Pluto’s predecessors were calling a Medusa. Human like with blue skin, fingers and toes with what looked like small cloven hooves instead of nails, and corkscrew horns coming out of their heads, Medusas lived on the planet designated “Gorgonia.” It was known for the large amounts of mountains and hills, a reverence for stones (shared among all one hundred distinct cultures), and for having one of the largest crime families in the known universe. A member of which was staring at the camera, smiling lazily and holding a beer.
The caption read, “Just fucked an alien :)))).”
Agent Pluto flipped to the next picture, which showed the girl (identified as Casey Montgomery) and the Medusa relaxing on a beach. The caption: “Still fucking an alien :)))))).” Pluto flipped through all of the pictures in horror. They were acting like a couple, in full view of other peoples. The final picture almost made him puke. The Medusa was on one knee, proposing to the girl with a very large purple gemstone ring. “After 2 years he finally proposed!!!! Here’s to traveling through the universe with you for the rest of our lives, babe ♥.”
Pluto practically flew out of his chair and ran out the door, folder in hand. “Told you so,” Eupheme’s voice called after him. Pluto ignored her. He ran down the four flights of stairs to the laboratory. He burst through the door, startling the head scientist, Agent Deimos.
“Did you finally get a good case?” Deimos asked. Pluto replied by thrusting the folder into his arms. Deimos flipped through it, frowning. “Uh oh.”
“‘Uh oh’ is right,” Pluto said. “How screwed are we?”
“From the way people in the background are nonchalant in most of these pictures, I’m gonna assume the Medusa is using a cloaking device that can only be picked up by cameras. But the fact that this girl most likely knows he’s an alien is concerning.”
“He’s one of the Stheno’s.” “Sthenos” was what the agents were calling the crime family.
Deimos handed him back the folder. “Yeah, good luck with that.”
♠ ♠ ♠
Agent Pluto ran straight to Director Io’s office, all the way on the thirteenth floor. He was too amped up to use the elevator; he ran as fast as his fifty-year-old body could all the way up the stairs. Director Io was just finishing up a faculty meeting when he burst into her office. “Why did you assign me this case? I’m not going up against the Stheno family.”
The other agents shuffled out of the office, giving him sorry looks. When they were finally all out, Director Io sighed. “You’re one of the most seasoned agents here. If I didn’t think you could do it, I wouldn’t have assigned you the case.”
“I can’t do this.”
“You can and you will. That is an order.”
Pluto groaned and put his face in his hands. After a moment, he said, “Who’s my partner?”
“Agent Ganymede.”
Pluto’s head shot up. “That idiot?”
“Agent Ganymede is…” Io waved her hand, trying to find the right words. “Popular with the ladies. I’m sure he can charm his way with Miss Montgomery.”
“The only good thing about him is he’s good-looking. There’s nothing between those ears of his.”
♠ ♠ ♠
“Do you hear that whistling?” Agent Ganymede asked as he and Agent Pluto sped down the highway.
“Probably the wind between your ears,” Pluto muttered.
“What?”
“I said I don’t hear it.”
Io had dumped him and Ganymede in Boston, Massachusetts. They were going to a small beach town in a sleek black car given to them by the government. Pluto insisted on driving; he figured Ganymede might get distracted by a squirrel and drive them into a tractor trailer.
Pluto slowed as he drove down the exit, following the directions from the GPS. The house they pulled up to was in a nice neighborhood near the highway. It was pretty big and surrounded by trees, a white birch tree in the front yard. Pluto figured it would’ve been Casey Montgomery’s parents’ house, but according to research done by Agents Ananke and Enceladus, Casey lived here all alone with her alien fiancé. Her parents were what Ganymede called “loaded.” Pluto parked in front of the well-kept garden and then he and Ganymede walked up to the front door in unison.
Pluto gave three loud knocks. A small dog started yapping from inside the house. He saw out of the corner of his eye the curtain move a little. Someone was peeking out.
“Just a minute!” came a sing-song voice from the house. Then Casey Montgomery opened her door… in nothing but her bra and underwear. “How can I help you fine gentlemen?”
The two agents gawked. In his over thirty years of being a Man in Black, this had never happened to Pluto. He quickly composed himself, however. “We would like to talk to you.”
“Of course! Come on in!” Casey stepped to the side. She led them into the living room. “Have a seat!”
The two men sat on the couch, straight backed. A white toy poodle jumped between them and tried to get their attention. Casey came out of the kitchen with a plate full of cookies. “I just made these! Help yourself, gentlemen.” The men didn’t reach for the plate.
Pluto looked at Ganymede, who began to speak. “I’m sure you know why we’re here, ma’am. There are some… questionable material on your social media pages.” Pluto was surprised he knew the word “questionable.”
“Which page? I do some porn on the side, so I have a couple of those pages floating around.”
Ganymede turned to Pluto, his eyes probably wide behind his dark sunglasses. Pluto cleared his throat and said, “The ones you share with your family.”
“Oh. Oh. That’s why you guys are here. Because of Peter,” Casey said.
“Is that what you call him?” Pluto asked.
“Yeah. It’s short for Petrocleseus. But that’s kinda a mouthful so I just call him Peter. Or Petey. Or Daddy.” She winked at them. Ganymede tugged at his collar.
“We would like to know where he is,” Pluto continued, more annoyed than aroused.
“Dunno.” Casey shrugged. “He goes and does work.”
“What kind of work?” Ganymede asked, probably more aroused than annoyed.
“Dunno. Crime family stuff.” Casey shrugged again.
“You know his family?” Pluto said.
“Oh, yeah. Visited them on their planet last year. Lovely people.”
Pluto almost threw up. This girl had gone to another planet? He had never heard of any human doing that in the history of humanity. And this girl was talking about it as if it was a trip to Boston.
“I think you’re lying to us,” Pluto said.
“Oh?” Casey raised a perfectly arched eyebrow.
“You’re telling me you don’t know where your fiancé is? Did you not ask? What woman doesn’t ask her fiancé where he is going?”
“Woah, chill out. I didn’t ask. Didn’t care. We keep our jobs out of our private life.”
“You’re walking a fine line, girl.”
“I’m twenty-one.”
“You’re walking a fine line, woman,” Ganymede said.
“That’s much better,” Casey said, winking at Ganymede. Pluto didn’t even have to look to know that he was sweating.
“We need to know your fiancé’s whereabouts. Now.”
“I told you: I don’t know.” She was staying remarkably calm.
“Would you tell us if you did?” Ganymede asked.
“No.”
Pluto groaned inwardly. What did you expect her to say, dumbass?
Casey stood up and stretched. “It’s been nice chatting, but I’m getting bored. So fuck me or get out. And bring some cookies with you!”
Without warning, Ganymede whipped out his gun and pointed it at the dog. “Tell us or we’ll blow his brains out!”
Pluto knew it was going to end badly. Casey’s whole demeanor changed. She threw the plate of cookies at Ganymede. She then tackled him, causing the gun to drop to the floor. The dog stared at them, unimpressed, as Casey started punching Ganymede, screaming obscenities at him. Pluto jumped up and grabbed her, trying to pull her off, when the front door opened and in walked Peter the Alien, holding a pizza box.
“Hey babe! Got us a…” He stared in shock at the scene. “What the fuck?”
“They wouldn’t fuck me and threatened Cuddles!” Casey screamed. Peter immediately threw the pizza onto the dining table and lunged for Pluto. He grabbed him by the collar and, with superhuman strength, lifted him up in one hand. With the other hand, he grabbed Ganymede and carried both of them to the door, throwing them outside.
“Fuckin’ animals!” he shouted, then slammed the door closed.
♠ ♠ ♠
Peter and Ganymede sat in the parking lot of a donut shop, drinking coffee and eating donuts. They sat in silence.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Pluto finally blurted out.
“I figured she did know where he was so I thought threatening the dog would get her to tell us. I didn’t expect her to try to kill me.”
Pluto groaned. “Oh my God, kid; people love their dogs more than their own kids! How could you not expect her to react like that?”
They sat in silence for a few more minutes, then Ganymede said, “I left my gun there.”
“They’ll give you a new one… in a few months. Or years. Whenever your dumb ass earns it back.” His phone suddenly rang with a text. He read it, then groaned.
“What?” Ganymede asked.
“We have to go back to Area 51.” He started the car back up. “Those idiots are trying to invade it again.”
♠ ♠ ♠
It was a few years before Pluto remembered that weird case. He remembered because Director Io stormed into his office and threw a folder down onto his desk. “I thought you settled the Massachusetts ordeal.”
Pluto opened the folder and was greeted by a picture of Casey Montgomery holding a baby. A baby that happened to be a hybrid between human and Medusa. The caption read, “Finally got my alien baby :)))))))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Oh, shit,” Pluto whispered.
“‘Oh, shit’ is right,” Io snapped. “What the fuck happened? This is what we were trying to avoid, Agent Pluto.”
“Look, I got distracted,” Pluto said. In truth, he had just never wanted to see Casey Montgomery again.
“Well, look what happens when you get distracted, Agent Pluto. Now the parents and the baby have to be neutralized.” She held up the picture. “This very cute baby has to be neutralized. If you had done your job, he wouldn’t have been born at all and we wouldn't have to kill a fucking baby.”
“I’m sorry,” Pluto said. “I’ll take whatever punishment you’ll give me.”
“Oh, you sure will. You and Agent Ganymede are going to neutralize this family. And the government will not pay for your therapy afterwards.”
♠ ♠ ♠
Once again, Agent Pluto was driving down the Massachusetts highway with Agent Ganymede. He was not in a good mood. He was in an even worse mood when Ganymede asked if they could stop for fast food. Pluto pulled into a drive-through because why the hell not?
“Can I get a kid’s meal?” Ganymede asked.
Pluto sighed and closed his eyes. “Ganymede, you are almost thirty years old. Why the fuck do you want a kid’s meal?”
“I like the toys.” Pluto didn’t say anything else. He got Ganymede the kid’s meal. When he stopped the car so they could eat, Pluto took the kid’s meal and dumped it all over Ganymede.
“Okay,” Ganymede said, picking up the toy race car.
“You don’t get it, do you? The Sthenos family has literally killed more beings than there are creatures on this planet. They’ve killed people on our planet. They introduced crucifixion to us, for Christ’s sake.”
“They killed Jesus?” Ganymede gasped.
“What? No, you idiot… at least I think so. Okay, look: the point is, we might die today. We might die in a horribly painful way. So grow up and take this seriously.” And with that, Pluto sped out of the parking lot towards Casey’s house.
♠ ♠ ♠
Casey’s driveway was full of cars. Pluto had to park on the street. They walked across the lawn to the front door. Before Pluto could knock, Casey opened the door. People and Medusae were milling about behind her, chit-chatting and eating BBQ.
“Well, well, well,” Casey said. “You two still look like shit.”
“We would like to talk,” Pluto said.
“Uh, hang on, let me just get my daddy-in-law.” Casey turned towards the party and screamed, “DADDY! THERE’S SOME GUYS HERE WHO WANT TO TALK TO YOU!” Pluto and Ganymede almost soiled themselves when the hulking Medusa came over to the door. Multiple guns were hanging on his sides and he wore many rings and necklaces. Pluto knew exactly who he was: the head of the Sthenos crime family. He had multiple arrest warrants on multiple planets (including Earth) and had probably committed more murders than any other being in the known universe. Pluto’s predecessors called him “Big Daddy” (Pluto refused to call him that) and a picture of him was on Area 51’s personal “wanted” board.
“What do you want?” Big Daddy sneered.
Pluto responded by yanking the toy race car out of Ganymede’s hand and held it out to Big Daddy. “Congrats on the new grandbaby!”
“Ayyyy! Glad your government is finally giving us a break!” Big Daddy put an arm around Agent Pluto. “How do you guys feel about cake, eh? My wife makes a divine chocolate mousse cake. And you’re in luck! We brought it today, so come on in! Welcome to the family!”
