Warm water ran over Indra's head, but it brought no comfort, only further irritation. She'd have to tolerate it, because she was tired of smelling the sweat of fear on her body. The reminder that she was just as weak now as she always was. Grabbing the rough hand towel, she scrubbed at her skin, as if by scrubbing hard enough she could get rid of the disgusting crawling sensations every touch jarred through her.

She wanted to feel something, anything to make it stop. The water trickled down her spine, like fingers—claws, longing to rip at her innards. Indra froze, her breath catching in her throat. This was a bad idea. She couldn't do this. Turning off the water, she grabbed her towel from beside the showers and stepped out on trembling legs.

The door creaked open, like the door of a cell.

No.

Indra's chest grew tight. She backed away until her back hit a wall. Trapped. She was trapped. Sobbing, she slid to the floor, curling up into a ball and covering her head with her arms. There was nowhere to go. Nowhere to run.

Trapped.

Indra wanted to scream.

"Hey. I said no one could use these right now. Did your ears stop working or are you just an asshole?" Hawke's sharp voice spat.

"It's just a shower dude, geez. Sorry that the commander's girlfriend gets special treatment. Why don't you build Indra her own shower?" The girl retorted, her footsteps receding.

Of course she would see it that way. They all saw it that way. Special treatment, unfairness. Indra wished they could understand but she couldn't bear the sensation of pity she'd receive as a consequence. It would be a reminder every day of what she went through. Of what she survived.

"You don't get to say things like that and storm off," Hawke growled, a slamming sound on the wall echoed down the corridor.

Indra jolted. Why was Hawke being violent? He never resorted to violence. And that voice—the aggression, it reminded her of Jacque. Indra couldn't stop what little she ate from rising up her throat. She grabbed the bowl she had brought with her and heaved until what little energy remained in her body subsided.

"I am your superior, if you do not respect what I tell you, then you can leave," Hawke hissed, slamming into the wall again. "We only function as long as everyone is in communication and cooperation. Why are you here, Alesia? To cause starshit and throw a pity party when I ask you one time not to use the shower? Take your entitlement and stuff it deep down or I'll toss you out the doorstep myself."

"Sorry," the girl whimpered. "I-I didn't realize it was such a big deal. Ju—just let me go."

"It is. Understand?" Hawke asked sharply.

Indra grimaced, unable to stop dry heaving despite the emptiness in her stomach.

"Yes, won't happen again, sir," Alesia whispered.

"It better not."

Fast scurrying footsteps took off down the hall.

Hawke knocked on the door, announcing his entrance. "Are you okay?" His tone was much softer, kinder, than it had been in handling the vigilante. He sounded like himself again.

Indra barked a laugh. "Is that really a question to be asking right now?" Part of her was tempted to ask him what happened in the hall, but she was afraid of the answer, of the reality. Something was wrong with Hawke. Indra could feel the wrongness wafting in the air between them, but she had no idea how to stop it, nor the strength to try.

"Why doesn't Akio know?" Hawke asked, entering the room and stopping a good distance away. "I didn't tell her, because it's not mine to tell, but how can you be dating someone for over a year and not inform her that there is a month where you can't stand touch?"

"I—" Indra paused. She didn't know how to answer that. Why hadn't she told her? She gave hints in passing, but part of her was terrified of Akio seeing her that way, knowing her as she was. The girl that lived through hell, that suffered at the hands of the crazed sociopath was dead. Indra had no intent of allowing her to live again. She was weak. Useless. Vulnerable. But it was more than that. Indra knew it was.

Sighing, Hawke shifted his stance, likely on one leg with the other crossed over. He always did that. "You don't trust her, do you?"

"No. I don't," Indra said, her voice dropping to a whisper. "I don't think I can, after everything that's happened. I love Akio but—there's this fear that someday I'll wake up and she'll have a knife to my throat. You don't just stop being a weapon, it's trained, programmed—I don't think she understands what fighting against that will do to her."

"I can't speak for Akio or what goes through her head, but I don't believe that. I think no matter your background, you can make different choices for your future. Can a weapon love someone? No, they aren't supposed to, but here you are," Hawke stated. "The parts of her that programmed her into a weapon are long since destroyed. They aren't even attached to her anymore."

Laying her chin on her knees, Indra grimaced. That wasn't true. Sure, Akio's connection to the commanders was destroyed, but her shoulder scythes, experience, training, that would be with her forever. She didn't have the energy to argue. "That's the funny thing about fears, they aren't always founded in logic."

The weapons she'd seen fight their nature always ended up either reverting back to it to find balance, or flicking a kill switch in their mind to senselessly murder everyone in sight. It was only a question of time. She was a fool for wanting to be with Akio for even this long. But—maybe Hawke was right. Maybe this was different. Indra swallowed, she didn't want to imagine losing Akio or anyone else she cared about.

"Could you step out? I'm feeling a bit better. I'm going to get dressed," Indra said, standing up.

"I'll be outside," Hawke stated, leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

Indra dried off and slipped the robe over her head. As much as she wanted to believe in a positive outcome, with the wall rising, it was probably better to end this before it crumpled and hurt more to sever. Not tonight. Not while she was like this, but soon.

The idea of breaking up with Akio filled her eyes with tears. It was for the best. If she stayed with her, these fears would come to light, and the words would haunt Akio for the rest of her life. Indra didn't want to hurt her. If being apart was the only way to protect Akio, then Indra would do the right thing and end it. Everything she wanted, longed for, could never be. All it took were words to ruin it. Those words danced at her tongue waiting to be released. Akio deserved better than that, better than her.

Inhaling deeply, Indra wiped the tears from her cheeks and stepped out, heading back to her room with Hawke by her side. When he loosely grabbed her hand to direct her back toward her room, Indra gasped. Dark emotions she never thought she would feel from the man who was like a brother to her assailed her at the contact. They weren't on the surface, she knew it was subconscious. But—they were there.

They were there.

"Indra, what's wrong?" Hawke asked, his tone concerned. "Oh starshit, it's because I touched you isn't it?" He quickly pulled his hand away. "I'm sorry. I—I wasn't thinking."

There was no avoiding the confrontation. Indra couldn't allow this to go on, to worsen. Whatever it was. "What's happening to you, Hawke? Is it—Is it related to—" she couldn't say it, didn't want to.

"Yes. But now isn't the best time to talk about it. You're not well, leave my burdens to me," Hawke said quietly.

"Just please tell me that I'm not losing my brother. Tell me that this isn't going to change you," Indra cried, overwhelming emotion crashing into her and sending warm tears from the corners of her eyes. "I can't lose you, Hawke."

"I can't promise you won't. This isn't something I can control. It's getting worse," Hawke whispered, his voice trembling. "Sometimes I wake up coated in blood and I don't remember where it's from. My last mission was a total black out. If not for the video I wouldn't have known what happened."

Indra's heart stopped in her chest. "Fuck. How long has this been going on?"

Hawke's shoes scuffed the floor. "It started a few months ago. Just the dreams. Now I'm wondering if those weren't dreams."

"Is that why you kept disappearing unaccounted for?" Indra asked, grabbing the handle of her room door. This couldn't be happening, Haim and her had tried their best to prevent it from happening.

"Yes. It's like I get possessed by something else, by someone else, and I can't remember anything," Hawke said, defeat evident in his voice. "I don't know what to do. I'm taking what Haim told me to, I—I even tried removing my wings."

Tightness made Indra feel as if she was suffocating. "Hawke, you didn't. Please tell me you didn't."

"It doesn't matter, they grew back the next day," Hawke said, his voice cracking.

"There's a way out to stop it. I promise I will find it. We won't let this happen. You won't become like your father," Indra vowed, though the promise was hollow. It was more of a wish than anything else. Her and Haim had already tried everything. It worked for a time, but it seemed that time was coming to a close.

"I don't want to hurt anyone," Hawke whimpered. "I don't want to become a monster."

Despite the sensation of crawling insects, Indra turned around and wrapped her arms around Hawke, letting him cry into her shoulder. "You won't become a monster. I won't let you. We'll figure this out."

How Indra wished those words were anything but honeyed lies. The day that Hawke turned into a full grown Harken, the brother she knew, the caring man who stood beside her through everything, would die, replaced by nothing more than a monster with a heart set on violence and blood.