"Hey Artemis, is this the right place?" Apollo and a certain goddess of the hunt stood before a Japanese manor, confusion on their faces.

"Yes, brother." Artemis answered in the affirmative, even though her own doubt was apparent on her face. "This is where his magical signature leads."

Shirou hummed in tune to the beat of Sakura's soft singing as they prepared dinner. He smiled gently to himself. It was good to be home. As much as he enjoyed hunting Dead Apostles or traveling dimensions and being, as Zelretch called it, the Morty to his Rick. Beyond his saving people thing, as Rin called it once she read the Harry Potter books, he simply enjoyed spending time with his wives and newborn children. Speaking of which, splitting the workload between five people made things much easier when dealing with newborns.

He was interrupted from his thoughts by a knocking from the door, which promptly caused the three sleeping infants in the other room to restart their crying, to the combined horror of Rin, Saber, and Rider. Sakura, her soft laughter sounding like wind chimes, turned to Shirou, "Can you answer the door? I'll keep dinner going, and those three are going to be busy for a while calming the kids down."

Shirou chuckled and nodded his head, before giving an exaggerated bow,"As you command, my Lady Wife."

Sakura giggled, before her eyes glowed mischievously, "Go, my knight, before I decide you're not getting lucky tonight."

Shirou held his hands up in surrender before leaving the kitchen. Let it not be unknown that Sakura was a closet sadist, or that she held the collective metaphorical balls of everyone in this relationship. What a terrifying woman.

He opened the front door to reveal a pair of college students. The man was of similar height to Shirou, with an athletic build and short cut blonde hair with blue eyes, the typical stereotype for an American surfer. The woman on the other hand had a runner's build with auburn hair pulled tightly in a ponytail and golden eyes not unlike what his used to be colored. Both were supernaturally attractive, and radiated a scent that he had only ever felt from himself and Berserker. Harpe, Gáe Buidhe, Gram, Caliburn, and a hundred other blades were called to the forefront of his mind, their blueprints surrounding the couple. While the woman showed no change, the man tensed slightly, as if he could sense the blades.

Or perhaps he has some form of precognition. Interesting, but also dangerous. What could they want? Shirou decided to cut to the heart of the matter, "Can I help you?"

The man cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable about the situation. "Ah, um, well you see, um we're looking for our son and uh, we tracked his signature to this home." At this, the woman narrowed her eyes in anger and slammed her elbow into the man's stomach, muttering something in ancient Greek. Wait a minute, why do I know she was speaking ancient Greek? "Oh, right! His name is Belen! "

"I'm sorry to inform you, but there is no Belen in this house, nor has there ever been." Shirou felt bad for the pair of magi, obviously they were concerned about their son, but the only people in the manor that were of age to be their children were his own. And considering the fact that his were all girls and the odds one was their son went down even further. The man opened his mouth to respond.

"Impossible! This home is covered in his scent. Perhaps you've had him over as a friend often. He has red hair and golden eyes like my own!" The woman interrupted her companion, her stoic face becoming desperate.

At this, Shirou felt his mouth go dry. "Um… what age would this Belen be? I know of someone who has similar features to what you describe, but you look too young to be his parents."

At this the man grinned. "Well, I don't mean to sound arrogant, but we both look damn good for our ages. Our son would be in his early twenties. By the way, my name's Apollo, and this is Artemis."

At that statement, Shirou's mind shut down. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Go to your safe place. Go to your safe place. Blame Zelretch. Yes, this is all Zelretch's fault, it's all a prank. The bad people will go away when you open your eyes.

"Shirou, who's at the door?" asked Rin, stepping up beside him. "Oh, she looks so much like you used to look before." She turned and grabbed him by the arm, "You look alike enough to be siblings."

At this point Shirou 2.0 had finished booting up, and realized that he was screwed.

His partial divinity on par with Heracles. Check.

Two strangers with divinity showing up on his doorstep claiming to be Apollo and Artemis. Check.

Him having similar eye and hair color to Artemis in his past. Check.

Two Divine Spirits claiming to have a son his age and said son residing in his house for years. Check.

Rin was going to murder him. Shirou 2.0 made the quick and entirely justified decision to self-terminate, leaving all his problems to poor Shirou 3.0. "Shirou!" Cue the angry snarl and foot crushing from his resident tsundere to bring him back to reality. "Pay attention!"

"Rin, love of my life, best part of me," at this, Rin initiated the Unlimited Blush Works and turned her face away, "I just want you to know that none of this is my fault, and I fully blame Zelretch."

AN: This is going to be a post Fate UBW AU, and a pre-Titan's Curse PJO. After all, Apollo's love of haikus has to come from somewhere, and he visits Japan in canon sometime before The Titan's Curse. I like happy endings, and Fate has very few of those. In fact, the kindest ending Fate has can be called bittersweet at best. Real life is dark enough without all our media going full emo. I digress, because that's a tangent that will have me ranting for hours. In this story, Shirou is going to be a demigod son of Artemis and the son of the mortal aspect of Apollo, which is equivalent to a demigod of Apollo, through immaculate conception AKA artificial insemination. I wanted to do this because PJO Artemis has very similar features to a young Shirou and has the domain of childbirth, and there's no real answer as to how she avoids this part of her being. I had a mortal Apollo be the father because: one, he has a history of becoming mortal and still having most of his skill, two, because he is one of the few men that Artemis trusts not to take advantage of her, and three, because Apollo is the God of Medicine and has full understanding of modern medicine. This is my first story, so please, any feedback is greatly appreciated. Currently cross-posted on fanfiction.net.