Begin

Pages were missing, and pieces of paper from the corners were torn off. It looked as if someone's dog had tried to eat this. I noticed that the first page had been completely ripped out, the one that held my first message from Patrick. My heart hurt again. Did the Tsar find this and do something to him? I turned the new, first empty page and let out a small whimper.

Inside the notebook were pages from every day of the last six months. All with carefully written dates, times, and events that were important. Each day at the bottom of the page was a note from the Tsar. I covered my mouth with the sudden realisation that the Tsar had been looking after me for six months. I was in a coma. Why? I couldn't understand his motives. Each day started the same; the Tsar wrote the date, the time he woke and the events he had to attend. He wrote about when he left me in the doctor's care, the progress of my condition and everything he did for me—changing my dressing and clothes, bathing me, and even reading to me. He noted down each novel he read to me and the newspapers; he even left some of the clippings inside the notebook for me to see. My heart was beating so fast in my chest. As I got to the end of the first page, I read the Tsar's note;
Milo, I am so sorry. I, I lost control. I was so caught up in the moment that I did something awful to you. This entire thing is my fault. I refuse to move from this room for a single second until you wake up. Please, Milo, please wake up for me. 

My heart ached, and my eyes began to swell with tears. Each day there was a new apology for something, some of the things he hadn't done to me, but others had inflicted pain on me, and he felt responsible. He wrote that he would watch my chest rise and fall for hours to ensure I was breathing. He talked about how much he wished he could just see me smile. One note from a month before I woke up caught my attention. It was the day I thought I was dreaming; 

Milo, you woke up today. Only for a moment, though, but I felt my entire soul being reborn at that moment. You reached out to me. You even called my name. I have never heard something so sweet before. The way you called for me made my heart race. My body felt like I was going to collapse under the weight of my happiness. Milo, please, please come back to me now. I can't bear this any longer. If I can't see you smile or hear you call my name ever again, I will do anything to be with you. I'll take my own life if you ask me. Please, Milo.

I was trembling in my seat. I felt my skin burning, and my eyes were sore. I let out a gut-wrenching yelp and fell to the floor in a heap. Gasping for air, I clung so tightly to the notebook I thought I would rip it. Patrick appeared in front of me and pulled me to my feet. I was shaking so uncontrollably that I thought I would die. I mustered my strength and looked at Patrick, "Emmet, take me to him, please".

Patrick nodded and carried me on his back to the Tsar. I couldn't stop the tears from following. I was making an utterly awful sound, like a baby pig squealing for its mother. I buried my face in Patrick's shoulders and cried until he stopped in front of a room I hadn't seen before. I knew we were inside the secondary estate, but I hadn't been past my room or the dining hall. I felt a sudden sense of safety near this door. It was at the end of a long, sweeping hallway. Patrick knocked softly, and a murmur came from inside. Patrick turned the silver handle, and within an instant, the familiar smell of the Tsar's cigar smoke found its way into my skin. I took a deep breath and jumped from Patrick's back into the open doorway. I was hoping and wishing with all my might that he'd finally catch me on the other side. I saw him standing there in the dim light of his reading lamp, arms outstretched.

I flung myself with all my might into his open embrace. He caught me. He kept his promise to protect me and keep me safe. We toppled over onto the floor, and I lay on his chest. My cries were muffled in his shirt, and I clung tightly to his body. His arms wrapped themselves around me, and he held me close. I took a deep breath; the scent from his skin flooded my entire being. I shook, not from fright but utter relief.

I didn't understand why I had grown so attached to this monster. But I couldn't deny that here, at this moment, I felt peaceful and safe. I felt his heart beating, no pounding in his chest. He hadn't spoken yet, but his cries crept subtly from his mouth. I sniffled and tried to lift my head to see him. He sat up, I fell into his lap like a child, and he held my chin to his face. I'd missed his cold hands; why did I miss them? His thumb rubbed against my bottom lip.

I felt it fall open, just at his touch, begging for more from him. I closed my eyes in desperation, hoping he would give in just once to me and kiss me as he did before. He pulled me towards his face, and his soft lips were instantly against mine. My body felt warm; my heart raced, and all the pain and suffering I felt utterly disappeared. In that instant, Emmet felt like the only man I could feel this from in the world. He pulled away, panting in front of me; his lips looked like they longed to be on mine. I pushed my face to his again and found my hands grabbing his neck, pulling him against me. I needed him. He was my lifeline, my safety.

After reading his thoughts, all the deeds he did for me, and the apologies he offered me over the last six months, I felt a genuine connection to this man, this fierce yet gentle creature. As I kissed him harder, I felt my lips separating, tongue darting from my mouth and running along his bottom lip. I desperately wanted him to open his mouth, swallow me whole and keep me beside him forever. His lips parted slightly, and I felt my tongue touch his. Emmet pushed me to the floor within seconds, his body heavy against mine. I reached my hands to his back and clung to him, my nails digging into his shoulders. His hand reached my cheek, and he held my face softly. His tongue flickered across my bottom lip, pushing apart mine and finding its way inside my mouth. I hadn't known what passion was until I met Emmet. The blood coursed through my veins; it felt like my entire body was burning. He bit down on my lip gently and pulled it. He pulled away from me and looked down at me. My face felt hot, flushed with desire and longing for more. Emmet hung his head in shame and gave a deep, mournful sigh.
"What on earth will I do with you, Milo?" His tone was cold and desperate. I pulled myself into his neck, clinging to him. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his lap. I felt like a child getting a gentle embrace from a loved one. I hadn't known this feeling, this wanting, for a long time. We stayed intertwined for what felt like a lifetime. Emmet reached his hand to my head and gently stroked my hair. A feeling that only he could stir deep inside my heart welled up in my throat. "I, I, I, I, I need you." As it left my lips, I stammered on every word, yet Emmet only held me closer. His heart was beating fast, as was mine, and there were moments when I couldn't tell whose heartbeat was whose. In those words, I felt as if my soul and Emmets began connecting at that moment.

I hadn't realised I had fallen asleep in his arms until I woke in my bed. I was terrified to reach out to the other side and find no one. I turned my head slowly to see ice-white hair resting on the pillow beside me. He stayed with me, even though he knew he couldn't. I reached my hand to his cheek and caressed it slowly. His stubble was white, like speckles of the first snow. His eyes fluttered open, and he looked at me sweetly. I felt his arm move, and suddenly I was wrapped in him, my face pressed against his chest. His heart was steady, a thumping drum of peace. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. Emmet clung tightly and spoke in a hushed tone, "I can't control myself around you. It's dangerous, you know. I could just devour you right now." I stirred a little, letting my mouth free of his tight embrace. 

"I wouldn't mind." 

"You say that now, but I'm a terrible person Milo,"

"A terrible person who stays beside me for six months without any guarantee of getting anything in return?"

"You, you being alive and okay was enough for me." He kissed my head softly. I was consumed by the moment, his sweet words, his soft embrace. I wanted to stay like this until I died. 

"Please, no more. Don't try and hurt yourself anymore. I won't do anything to you again if that's what you wish." I pushed myself from his chest and looked at his face.
I shook my head, "Just don't hurt me, please."

"I could never." He planted a kiss on my lips. "I lost control, and I'm sorry. I've been agonising over that for the last six months. I, I hurt you, and I can't forgive myself for that." He took a deep breath,
"I only wanted to protect you."
I reached my hand to his face and stroked his lips with my fingertips.
"I forgive you", I whispered to him. His expression became twisted, almost as if he was in pain. I retracted my hand and suddenly felt his hands at my waist. He rolled me quickly onto my back and looked deeply into my eyes. It felt as if he was trying to see my soul. His eyes were misty as if tears could drop onto my skin at any moment and burn through me like acid.
"Milo, I wasn't lying when I said I fell for you the moment I saw you. Something deep inside my soul wanted to reach out and save you," he swallowed hard, choking back tears, "I had to save you from him. I, I need you." I felt my body go limp; all thoughts left my mind except his words. He needs me; what on earth for? I'm just a child; I was trapped for years and trained by Ho Ming to give into every one of his desires and fantasies, never once told I was needed.

I felt a sudden tear slip down my cheek. Emmet noticed and leaned down, kissing me softly on the cheek. He smiled that gentle, sweet smile. I felt my hands acting independently, reaching for his neck again. I wanted him to devour me, to consume me. I pulled him closer and kissed his lips. I wanted him to feel that my soul was ready to be demolished by his presence. Emmet kissed back with just as much force and ferocity. Passion seeped from every pore of my being into his, absorbing one another with every shared breath between kisses. I felt as if I was going to be swallowed by this moment. My hands dropped from his neck to his waist. I ran my hands down his thigh, feeling his skin under my fingertips, and with every inch, I crept closer to him; his body trembled. This fierce, dangerous, and cunning brute was melting under my touch. At that moment, I had one desire: for Emmet to embrace me entirely and without hesitation. My fingers brushed his thighs softly, and I stopped at the top of his pants. I panted between kisses, wanting more, all of Emmet, every inch and fibre of his being. I kissed him harder, my hand tracing his abs and feeling something growing from deep inside the depths of my heart.

I let my fingers explore his stomach, gently running my index finger under the waistband of his pants. His hand found my chest. He rubbed softly along my shirt with his slender fingers until he found my nipple erect and throbbing from his touch. He stopped kissing me for a moment and looked at me. His eyes, those deep grey and desperate voids I feared were tender and burning with desire. He bit his lip, and I let out a moan just from looking at him. I found my toes curling as his tongue ran down my neck, repeatedly stopping to kiss me. He got to my collarbone, pulled my shirt open slightly, and kissed it gently before moving down to my chest. His breath was hot against my skin, sending shivers down my spine. I could feel his mouth dripping just above my nipple. Was he going to stop now? I found myself pushing my body into his, his throbbing erection finally touching mine. Emmet ripped my shirt open in an instant, and his mouth was attached to my chest. His tongue darted carefully around my nipple while his hand clung to my chest. I couldn't contain my pleasure; I let out a loud moan that he stopped kissing me and looked at my face. I was embarrassed; my cheeks flushed, my mouth hung open, and saliva dripped from my tongue. He smiled; no, it wasn't a smile. It was a grin of absolute triumph at making a mess of me. He resumed licking and nibbling on my nipple, hearing my moans of complete ecstasy at his tongue. I felt something hot and sticky coming from between my legs. I hadn't known this feeling of pleasure from another human being. I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into Emmet, into his world. 

I gasped and felt my entire body quiver just from his touch. I panted, choking for air. Emmet looked at me; his eyes were wild. I saw his tongue trace the outline of his lips before he sat up in front of me. My entire body was hot, and I felt like I had a fever. Emmet smiled and looked down at my pants, soaking wet from just his touch. His smirk rose into a grin, and he bit his lip, looking at me as if he wanted me to praise him. I covered my face with a pillow, wholly and utterly consumed with awkwardness. I heard him chuckle in his throat and felt his hands pulling the pillow off my face. He looked into my eyes and kissed my forehead tenderly. I felt numb, still tingling from his touch. I found my hands stretching out to his, grabbing at his fingertips. 

"This, we can't do this". The air became cold and heavy. 

The entire mood switch from utter pleasure to lament.

"What?" My tone was starker than I intended. 

"I refuse to be like Ho Ming, and you're not old enough for th-"

"Excuse me?" I pushed his chest away from mine, sitting up on my knees in front of him, "I think I'm old enough to understand what sexual desire is. I was sold at four years old to please men; how could I not appreciate wha-", he cut me off with a kiss. I felt my anger subside, but something else filled the void instead. Was I upset, upset at being rejected? Emmet laughed a little and caressed my cheek.

"I didn't say we wouldn't do it again, ever. I just, I don't want you to feel like you have to do this because of me?" He sighed, "I wanted us to connect, bond first before it became physical, and I," his thoughts began trailing off as I put my hand on his chest, slowly running my fingers up and down. He put his hand around mine and pulled it to his lips, "I want you to be older enough to take a seat beside me in every aspect. I want you beside me, Milo, in everything, not just here or in secret." I stopped and looked at his genuine smile. Was love, at first sight, a real thing? Did Emmet fall for me all those months ago and hold on to the hope that I would grow to love him the same way with time? I felt my chest tighten, and I let out a deep sigh. Emmet kissed my forehead and lay back down in the bed, his arm outstretched as if to say he needed me beside him. I heisted for a second but found my body disassociating from my mind and moving closer to him. His chest was soft, and I could hear his heart beating.

A sound only I got to hear, which caused my mind to be at peace. I sighed again, and Emmet lifted his hand to my head, petting me softly like he had done six months ago in that business meeting. I felt safe; I hadn't for such a long time that I was so anxious someone would take Emmet away from me. Is this the start of having feelings for him, or is it Stockholm syndrome? I chuckled to myself, arousing curiosity from Emmet, "What's so funny?" 

"I've never had a man turn down my advances based on moral principles; I guess my pride is hurt?" 

"I didn't turn you down. I made you cum." 

Embarrassment flowed from every inch of me; I buried myself in his chest. I wanted to die. Emmet laughed again and kissed my head, 

"I just can't. It's not that I don't want to; believe me, I'm holding back something awful here, but," his voice was calm, "I need you to be older and to want me properly, not just out of pity or some sense of you owning me something." God, why does this man make so much sense, even when I see how hard his dick is and how much he's fighting this. Emmet lifted his arm, checking the time on his watch. Had that always been on his wrist, or had I been so preoccupied with my satisfaction that I hadn't noticed it? 

"Milo, it's late. We should sleep."

"I'll sleep only if you stay here with me?"

"I won't leave you, not again."

"Emmet", I whispered from my lips, and his hand reached for my chin and pulled me close, kissing me softly.
Could I grow to love this man, not just as a token for saving me?
Could I indeed be by his side through everything?
At that moment, my heart told me yes. 

Later, I would find that loving Emmet would destroy me, destroy countless others' lives and crush my entire being into dust. But, for now, at this moment, I wanted to stay. I wanted to be desired, held, loved, every inch of me by this man. I slowly differed from sleeping in his arms, listening to his heart beating steadily in his chest. I hoped I would never wake up from this dream.

Reality is a cruel mistress.

End VI