Emperor POV

When I met Chang'er for the first time he was scaring some thugs. There were several of them but he stood up against them without having any trace of fear in his face.

It was the first time in my life that I felt attracted to a man.

At first, I felt a sparkle of curiosity, especially when he ignored me.

I'm the emperor, who dares to turn their back on me and don't reply to my words? I should have left right away but I wanted to see those cold and indifferent blue eyes again so I waited and waited... He seems to have forgotten my presence here until the moment when I spoke again.

I bring him and the little boy with me. Why am I helping him? So that I can be with him a little more?

When I ask him to undress so that I can take a look at his wound, he stiffs. Is he afraid that I want to eat him? Silly boy, I'm not into men.

But when I see the body that his clothes hide, I feel the blood rushing to my lower parts.

What's wrong with me? Have I been too long without being with one of my concubines that now even a boy excites me?

I take care of his wound myself instead of calling someone. His skin is so soft under my fingers. He acts like his wound doesn't hurt at all even when I disinfect it, except for a brief moment. Makes me wonder if he is so used to pain that he doesn't feel anymore.

When he tells me who he is, I feel guilty. Does his cold and indifference come from losing his family? How would he be if I didn't kill his family?

I should stay away from him. He is just a chest piece, a blade to be sharpened and used against the prime minister so that I can take back the control of the court.

But I end up taking in the little boy he saved so that I can see him again.

When I pretend to not know who his father is, I see a flash of anger in his eyes. For a second, I feel like a tiger is about to pounce on me to kill me but then a maid comes and his eyes go back to the cold and indifference. It must have been an illusion.

That night I dream about him. It's the first time that I have had a spring dream. I had bed servants and later on concubines since a young age so this never happened to me before and I feel ashamed.

The next day we go out to eat. I push his chair without thinking twice. Strangely he doesn't look surprised, as if he is used to it.

He eats few so I end up putting food in his bowl so he can eat more. Maybe because of the dream and because yesterday his skin seemed so soft, I end up brushing my fingers against his.

Yes, it's soft.

I seem addicted to that touch so I keep doing it. He acts as if he doesn't feel it but he doesn't avoid it.

I pay the bill so that I can see him again and invite him to see the little boy the next day. He agrees.

When he leaves, I go back inside and I order the manager to fire the waiter who mocked him at the entrance.

I'm the owner of this restaurant. My birth mother left this and other businesses for me and I use it to keep the secret army that my father left me.

Everyone thinks that I'm the son of the Empress Dowager.

My father fell in love with the daughter of a merchant. She was a free spirit and didn't want to be caged in the palace so my father never took her as a concubine.

When she was 2 months pregnant; she drank poison that was meant for my father. The imperial physician said that it harmed her body and she would probably not survive childbirth.

My father wanted her to abort but she refused and said that the baby was the product of their love and it was precious and that it would be a memory from her to him.

His empress didn't have any sons so when she found out, she offered to raise the baby as if it was hers. She said I would be bullied if people knew the origins of my birth mother.

My father promised my mother to treat me well so he agreed to it. The empress didn't know that my father had a secret army nor that all my mother's businesses went into his confidant's hands to be given to me when I grew up.

He suffered many assassinations attempts because he was too soft and couldn't stand the idea of killing his own brothers and he was afraid one of the attempts would succeed so I was crowded as crown prince as soon as I was born and my father instructed the secret army to remained hidden until I came of age.

My father trusted his Empress so he never thought she would use me as a tool for power.

She hated me so she made sure the power would not come to my hands even after her death. She made me marry the prime minister's daughter as my empress and gave him more and more power.

As long as the prime minister is alive there's no way for me to regain the power.

When the prime minister accused general Qi of treason, I saw an opportunity there. I instructed my guards to save one of the sons, then they told me the eldest son has been sent to the countryside, so I sent one of my undercover men to raise him as his son and to make him look for revenge against the prime minister.

Could I have saved them? I don't know. The prime minister wanted general Qi dead and he wouldn't stop until he killed him.

For the first time, I kept thinking in different ways that I could have acted to save them.

I dreamt of Chang'er saying that he hated me because I killed his parents.

The next day I hear Chang'er ask the little boy about me. Was he interested in me? My heart skipped a beat thinking about that possibility.

While we play chess, I keep feeling that he isn't playing with all his might. I wonder why.

At dinner, I can feel his soft fingers again. Then we went for a walk.

There are many people on the street so I use that as an excuse to hold his hand. It feels so good.

When I whisper on his ears, I notice the tips getting red. So cute.

Then when we are watching fireworks, I put my hand around his waist to test his reaction. He doesn't refuse me and I smile.

Chang'er doesn't come to visit me anymore.

Maybe it's for the best, it's what I say to myself.

I try to stop thinking about him and focus on expanding my secret forces. I try to sleep with my concubines but the smell of perfume and makeup disgusts me and my body doesn't react to them.

But when I remember his fresh scent, my body wakes up. I start to wonder if I like men and simply didn't know about it.

I can't let people know about it so I start getting those concubines drunk and making them believe that we slept together.

Every night I dream of Chang'er. The guilt I feel keeps growing. I wonder if one day I will drown in it.

I go out and try to meet several young men but none of them makes me feel anything.

Finally, I have to admit to myself that I'm falling in love with him.

How can I make him mine?

Bring him to the palace? He would probably hate being confined here. How can I cut the wings of the one I like?

See him outside as friends? What about when he gets married? How can I let someone else touch him?

I feel tortured and I miss him.

There's no point in thinking too much. Let's just see what happens. I don't even know what does he think of me.

I go visit him and while we talk, he blushes. So cute.

I intend to take him to a special place. Where I go when I need to be by myself. I want to share that place with him.

In the carriage is his thrown into my arms. I breathe his scent and my heart skips a beat. It feels so good to hug him.

On the way there, we are ambushed by assassins and he takes an arrow for me, to protect me.

When I see his pale face, I feel like my heart is being torn into pieces.

We go to the palace and I don't let anyone touch him, carrying him into my arms.

I take him to my bed and I ignore the head eunuch protests.

-Your Majesty, the arrow is too close to the hearth and there is poison on it, his chances to survive are low.

-If you don't save him then you also don't need to live – I say.

After they treat him, I sent everyone away. I kneel next to the bed while holding his hand and I hear him calling for his mother.

I feel a pang of pain in my chest. And then I pray Dear Author, if you save him, I promise I will give him all that he wants, even the world if he wishes.

My prays were answered and Chang'er gets better. The imperial physician tells me he won't be able to father children.

That makes me feel happy because I don't want to share him with a woman. I want him all for myself.

Then I feel guilty for my selfishness. I knew that even if he wasn't mine, I would never allow him to father children. Plus, he isn't even mine.

When he wakes up, he says he doesn't want any rewards. I'm shocked. Anyone in this situation would ask for something. But he wants nothing.

I wonder if he likes me and I feel hope. He saved me risking his own life and doesn't want anything, doesn't that mean the most important thing for him is that I'm fine?

Still, I will give him anything he wants. Even if that takes him away from me. As long as he is fine and happy, that's all that matters.

I visit him every day and I enjoy the feeling of his hand next to mine. One day I couldn't resist and interlock my finger with his. He doesn't reject me. The hope I feel keeps growing.

Chang'er is going home today. I wish he could stay more time here in the palace.

Every day I hear complaints about him being in my room but I don't care about it. Complain all that you want.

It seems like he really doesn't have any wishes or ambitions. Does this mean that I can bring him to be with me here in the palace without cutting his wings?

I want to tell him that I love him and want him to be with me but I don't want to scare him. I decide to probe if he would be willing to be my concubine.

I wonder if his like for me is the same kind of like that I have for him so I softly kiss him to test me but he surprises me by kissing me after.

I can't control myself. For so long that I wanted to have him in my arms. I want to rip his clothes apart and feel his skin against mine but I don't want to scare him so I control myself.

The next day at the court I announced that I was taking him as my concubine.

-Your Majesty, there was never a male concubine before, only male pets – says a minister.

-He saved this emperor's life and shall be rewarded.

-Your Majesty can reward him in some other way – says another minister.

-He doesn't want any rewards.

All ministers kneel: Your Majesty please think twice.

-Enough. This emperor has already sent the imperial decree. Do you want this emperor to take back his word and lose his face?

It was the first time I went against the ministers. It felt good.

From today on, Chang'er will always be with me. He is finally mine. I will compensate him for the loss of his family and give him all the love and care possible.

I arranged for only eunuchs to attend to him. What if a maid wanted to seduce him and climb to his bed?

Between a man and a eunuch is not impossible and I don't know if he prefers men or if I'm an exception. It's impossible to not send people to attend him. He is young and maybe he wants to try to eat someone... I feel jealous inside but I promised I would give him whatever he wanted and that included letting him be with others if that was his wish.

I could let him eat me but if someone found out I would become a laughing stock. If he really wanted that though I would let him, do it. But would he dare to eat the ruler of the nation? I wonder.

Today was the first time I spent the night with Chang'er. He isn't ready yet to give himself to me but I don't mind waiting. Just feeling his body under me, skin to skin, feels like heaven to me.

The next day I can't stop smiling until I was told what happened at the empress palace. How dare she humiliate my man? But I'm powerless and there isn't much I can do besides send him some rewards to show my support.

That night, for the first time since the empress dowager passed away, I kneeled in front of someone.

In this life, this emperor will kneel only for you Chang'er.

I spent three nights in a row with them. The ministers complain at court.

I grit my teeth in anger. Why can't I even be with the one I love as much as I can?

I never felt more powerless than now.

That night I turn another concubine plate.

One month passed and I focused on pleasing my other concubines, spending time with them, but my mind is always on Chang'er.

I can't hold it anymore. I need to see him.

As soon as I see him, I can't resist hugging him. He doesn't hug me back. He is probably mad at me.

I coach him and soon we are entangled with his other. I want to devour him from head to toe.

The next day I take him out to play. For the first time, he asks for something from me. I feel happy, I want to spoil him.

I can't avoid wondering, what if Chang'er knew the truth about his family death? I'm sure he would ask for my life.

Would I give it to him? Me, who is so afraid to die that I didn't think twice before sentencing his family to death because of my fear?

He says he wants to help orphans. Does he want to have his own forces? Is best to have someone who can protect him. Also, he probably wants to have permission to go out of the palace and meet them but I'm afraid. What if I give him permission to come and go and he leaves me?

So, I give permission to the little boy he saved to do it and I kiss him to make his mind stop talking about it because if he directly asks me for permission to go out, I can't say no to him.

We were attacked by assassins. When I saw the assassin going for Chang'er I protected him with my own body and the assassin slashed my back.

I smiled. I'm afraid of pain and death but now I realize that I'm even more afraid of Chang'er suffering or dying.

When we are back to the palace, I almost suffocate on rage from the empress wanting to punish my Chang'er. I don't dare to hurt a finger of him and she wants to punish him?

I wonder why does Chang'er look so pained when I tell him that he is my life. Shouldn't he be happy with it?

He takes care of me while I'm recovering but he feels somehow distant. I'm scared, what if he is getting tired of me?

The only thing I can do is hug him, kiss him and pray that he will never leave me.

As soon as I'm recovered, I will make him totally mine.

Maybe that will stop him from leaving me.

We had our first night together.

Now I know what ecstasy is.

I'm afraid I'm going to get addicted to it.

But for some reason, Chang'er seemed tormented.

Was it because of the pain? Did it hurt that much?

Or is he hiding something from me?