There should probably be laws against teaching 2 year olds magic (even though most can’t even read, let alone speak proficiently). I mean, shit’s dangerous, not even considering its destructive power. The fundamentals chapter had an entire dedicated section to what can happen when you overwork your body’s mana capacity. If you do it only a little every once in a while, it won’t hurt much, and in fact is quite necessary for becoming a strong mage. Mana control is a lot like a muscle, and its equivalent of exercise is performing magic. Like other forms of exercise too, it doesn’t just improve that one “muscle” and actually works a lot of the body physically too, resulting in many high level mages being quite physically fit. I’m not one for workout routines or special diets or anything, but knowing that performing magic can help me become stronger physically too is a major relief. And a scary one, because I have a feeling I’m going to be getting tired a lot in the next few years. I don’t exactly have a body fit for intense exercise. Yet. 

    For now I can only dip my feet into what the mana reserves I’ll have as an adult will become, though at the same time that metaphor doesn’t completely work since mana pools work kinda like a lake you dig for yourself. As you grow older the puddle gets larger on its own, sure, but working it as you grow older is also like you’re digging the lake deeper and pouring more water into it. So I guess it’s somewhat like dipping my feet in but also building the foundations for what I can do in the future.

    As for what I can do now, well probably not much. The fundamentals chapter offers a few basic spells for gauging mana and getting a feel for the craft. The first of which is one of the most basic, but also one of the most important spells any mage can learn: Mana Read, which acts as a sort of sensor and gauge for the presence of mana. Mana exists everywhere, but it has different densities in places. According to the book, there are some places in the world that mana is so dense that Mana Read becomes basically useless,  because the surroundings are so clouded with magical energy that it’s like trying to see through a fog. 

    There are three mainly used applications for the spell, two of them being a kind of analysis of a specific object, and the third being a kind of “ping” of your general surroundings. I was going to try using one of the former at first to get a feel for my mana. This is a sort of “Self analysis.” 

    Spells don’t use incantations or magic circles in this universe, and are instead activated by feeling and visualization. Just as you know how to walk and run, you also have to learn how to exert mana. Luckily as a trans girl who spent most of her life imagining what it’d be like to be a girl, I have plenty of experience with visualizing things that don’t exist in reality. 

    Just as the book described, I searched for a kind of feeling inside me. It was apparently pretty individual what one’s experience of mana was like, whether it was the feeling of a spark of electricity, or like a burning flame surrounding all things, a tingle in the air. I searched for that foreign feeling inside myself, and came up with nothing. Perhaps it wasn’t all that foreign? Maybe it was something that felt similar to some other feeling I know well? 

    My mind instantly shot to the feeling I’ve always held onto the most: euphoria. The calmness that comes with being myself, and almost instantly, I began to find my magic. Cool and calm, like being submerged in a pool of water. The silence and strength of loneliness. This was my mana, just as this new body was mine. So intrinsically part of me it’s a wonder I didn’t notice it sooner, but then again I didn’t notice I was a girl for most of my old life, either. Oops.

    I decided since I had gone this far I might as well try a little more. Closing my eyes, I focused on that flow of water inside me and willed it through my veins, imagining it existing through my fingertips and into a small ball of light. A moment later I opened them, and there it was, a small ball of light, just floating there. One moment, I sat there in awe. The next, I collapsed onto the ground, the last thing I could see was the light fading away. 

    I guess I… overdid it…

***

    Trying magic are we? Perhaps try to take it one step at a time. It would be a shame for you to die again so early on.

    “Aria?! ARIA! WAKE UP ARIA!” I opened my eyes to the worried looks of mom and dad and cringed a little. This will be another awkward conversation.

    “Hi, sorry I’m awake now, please no more yelling.” Seriously guys, I’m only 2, leave my poor eardrums alone.

    “Oh thank goodness you’re ok!” Mom said. “What were you doing in here?”

    “I let her, she wanted to read and I didn’t see the harm in it. Aria, do you remember how you collapsed?”

    “Well I was pretty tired from reading over a long period of time, but…”

    “But what?”

    “Please don’t be mad at me.”

    “We won’t be.”

    “I tried to do magic!” I meant to say it seriously but I only sounded excited, I mean why wouldn’t I be? I did FREAKING MAGIC EARLIER! “I found a book called The Basics of Magic and read some sections on the basics and tried to do it myself. I was able to feel my own mana and create a little ball of light before I passed out from mana exhaustion.”

    Dad was simply speechless for a moment and looked to mom, who tried to act disappointed but had a tiny smirk on her face. When he turned back to me I could see that he was smiling brightly himself. 

    “...why are you two smiling?”

    Dad responded, “Our daughter just performed magic for the first time, all on her own! The only thing we could be sad about is we couldn’t see it for ourselves! Although I am a little mad at you young lady, you need to be more careful in the future, ok?”

    He offered an arm for a hug that I moved into. “I will dad. I will…” 

    I must have still been tired, because when I came to my senses I was lying in my bed and the morning sun was streaking through my window. It sure is nice to not feel anxiety every time I wake up because I have a class to make or a shift at work to go to or to wake up a little late and have to catch up on all the different notifications on my phone. Is it weird that that’s the first thing I think of after waking up from collapsing from exhaustion induced by me doing magic? Probably! I just had a lot of stress in my previous life. Far too much. I feel like I have room to breathe for the first time in… well, ever. 

    Being a kid again, being in the right body, surrounded by good parents, being in a world that isn’t constantly moving at the pace that Earth was (in a societal sense, I have no idea how the physics of this world work), it’s as if I was meant to live this life in the first place. And now I remember, I was. This was supposed to be my life in the first place, my world in the first place. It was stolen from me before I could even live it. It’s hard to imagine what I would be like without my old memories though. Would I still be the same Aria? What about those dreams I had? Were those what my life might have been like? It makes my head spin. 

    Thinking about it all makes magic almost seem like nothing in comparison. It is a familiar concept on Earth after all, even if really being able to do it is a whole different beast. But what’s being able to conjure a sword out of mana in comparison to having your life stolen from you by a trickster god and being put into the body of a man on Earth?

    So if magic is nothing in comparison, that must mean I’ll learn it in no time! 

    I hope.

    Goddess I hope. 

    The next year was mostly filled with more reading and learning  bits of the fundamental parts of magic. I still couldn’t do too much without getting exhausted, but after that first time I never collapsed again. Now that I had an intrinsic grasp on what my own mana feels like, I could pretty easily gauge how tired I am at any time, like playing a game without a hud and being able to use different cues to gauge your current status. I did that pretty often in my past life when I wanted to make a game I was replaying feel a little more immersive. 

    After the first few weeks I could make that light ball over three times as large as the tiny thing it started out as, and even maintain it for a little while. It was pretty useful when I didn’t have any other sources of light, especially during late night reading. I also learned how to create small balls of water, though those took a lot more mana than my light spell and I couldn’t make them very big at all. I also dipped a toe into spellsword magic with a few attempts to create a little knife made out of light. Of course it was pretty tiny and about as sharp and durable as a plastic butter knife, however. With how small and weak I was at my age, of course my early progress would be slow. So for the next few years all I can do is learn the theory and slowly grow little by little, so that once I start really developing physically I can do some real magic. 

    Dad had taken to overseeing my practice with real magic (he said it was because he didn’t want me to hurt myself, but I imagine his main motivation was more father daughter time), and while mom didn’t show it often, she knew a lot about magical theory. I would talk about something I was struggling understanding over dinner every now and then and she would just answer it as if it was just common knowledge while I just sat there in awe and dad would always have this knowing and proud look on his face. My parents were definitely more than meets the eye. Young farmers my ass. Early retired adventurers? Was mom a scholar of some kind? What might dad be hiding? Of course I thought it was likely too early to ask them the answers to those questions, or to expect them to explain it on their own. 

    It was 6 months after my 3rd birthday that I got my answer.