17th March, 2015
Sunday (10:00 PM)
Now...I could write even more about the orphanage. I mean, there are just so many stories.........to name a few....that time when I threw a puppy at that Priya girl.....though I don't remember the reason....or that one time when I pushed that annoying kid from the stairs...though the stair were short, so he only ended up with small bruises.
There is just too much to write. I feel like I could just fill this entire diary with just that.......but that's wouldn't be much fun or exciting I feel like.
So, hmm...Let's quickly get to the present I think....maybe I could write a few events here and there in the future if I feel like it.
So the present huh...though for the present to make some sense, a few things about past needs to be addressed, I guess?
Last week on Monday while I was still in the orphanage a num came and told me that someone came to adopt me, 'Do I need to start living in a new place again?' I remember thinking. 'Why would someone adopt someone like me? I mean even mother didn't want me' I also remember thinking just now.
But contrary to my thoughts, I went to see them. Was that the right decision? at that time I didn't know...but I do now. It was the right decision indeed.
The ones who showed up sitting on the sofa inside the head nun's room were Mr.Joshi Jansha, who has a mix of the white and black hair, wearing a perfect size suit with glasses on his eyes and his wife Mrs.Palak Jansha, she has dull silver hair with an oval face and sharp eyes with thin lips and was wearing a red saree so you can say that both of them were looking quite good. Though I would like to describe them in more detail...but this 11-year-old me doesn't know, how?.
But let's get on with the story..
Apparently, they wanted to adopt a child close to their daughter's age who is 12 years old and their daughter whose name is Mehak also wanted a sibling. So in the orphanage, I who was 11 years old was the closet to their requirements, hence, they asked me whether I wanted to go or not but I could tell from the nun's facial expression that she really wanted a problem child like me to leave this place. They couldn't directly throw me out, that would cause problems for them...hence, this was their perfect opportunity for getting rid of me...or so I think, but I could be just reading too much into it.
I told them I would answer tomorrow, I needed to think one last time...though the nun showed a somewhat anxious expression...but I ignored it and asked for one day time.
After that, I started thinking about whether I really wanted to go or not?
But the conclusion came fast...even faster than I expected.
And a simple reason for that was...it was getting boring there.
Not much could be done there for fun anymore you know? ...The reason, simple. Nobody talked to me anymore and everyone avoided me. On the other hand, if I went to Jansha's house then I will have an older sister and a school to go to probably and imagining all the children in school with whom I can play with, A new place with new children to play with, have fun with, make memories...all of it sounded to exciting, hence, I didn't find any reason to refuse, so the next morning I told them I wanted to go with them.
At that time two quite contrasting expressions filled the room.
Mr. and Mrs. Jansha made a very happy expression and nun made an expression of relief.
On Wednesday morning I went with Jansha's to a large building where they registered my name as Mayuri Jansha. When I asked them what it meant? they told me that now I officially am a member of the Jansha family. Though I don't get what it means to belong to a family......my only family is Mother. Even though she doesn't me...but I still do feel quite connected with her.......hence thinking about Mr. and Mrs. Jansha as a family...is a very difficult task.
But, moving on!
After registration, they took me to their home which was a large bungalow. It was my first time seeing such a huge house with a large garden outside and 3 cars parked along the entrance door with a fountain in a middle, it was like I was in some otherworldly place and I still think that but now more strongly than ever before...why? it's simple! now I know Big Sister Mehak!
I still remember when I first saw her after entering the house, she was just like an angle with little shiny silver hair, black eyes, small nose and a little thick lips and perfectly round face and now that I have seen various faces and have a little more knowledge about comparing faces, I thought that she had the most beautiful face I have ever seen.
How could someone so pretty and cute exist? I remember thinking constantly.
At first, I acted normal because when I act like my true self people start hating me and for some unknown reason I didn't want Mehak to hate me. Why don't I want her to see me like those children at the orphanage? What's so different about her? What's this strange feeling I'm having? So many questions arose in my mind....and they are doing even now. What's this abnormality? Why don't I want her to hate me? I'm still thinking about all this while writing this out.....but the answer doesn't come.
It's quite frustrating, I must say....
But anyway! I acted like a normal child in front of them and as expected Mr. and Mrs. Jansha immediately took a liking to me and started giving me gifts and treating me nicely and kindly, I don't know why but it felt good being treated like that.
I'm experiencing so many things here, feeling so many things...I didn't before.....and now it's all just becoming a confusion in my head.
So...I guess I should write about Big Sis Mehak........maybe that way, I can get some clues to these new feelings and strangeness.
So..yeah....about Big Sis, She is like a perfect person. she always talks with me, plays with me, and whenever there is even the slightest problem she will immediately come to me to solve it. I thought it is because I was acting normal that they are taking such good care of me especially bis sis............ but will they still care for me if I started acting like myself?...... would they start to hate me like everyone else? would they abandon me just like everyone else and for some reason I didn't want that to happen..... I wanted to stay in this house for the rest of my life but if that was to happen then I would have to act normal for the rest of my life and wouldn't that be just running away from the problem?
I mean to be someone...I'm not. Again start feeling like I initially did at the orphanage.....and I didn't want that.
I was growing more and more paranoid about how should I act, should I act like a normal, perfect child or not? I just thought about this day and night and whenever I thought about acting like myself and started taking initiative for it I would remember Mr. and Mrs. Jansha's and Big Sis kind and happy faces, seeing it switch to faces of disgust. I would get scared every time by the very thought and couldn't do anything.
What were these annoying feelings? I didn't want to do anything with them...they were making me weak just like Mother. I didn't want weakness, I needed to throw away these whatever feelings....but for some reason, I couldn't.
Perhaps noticing that something is wrong with me, big sis came to my room this Wednesday or 3 days ago.
Like always we started playing and talking and like always those thoughts were going in my head when suddenly big sis asked,"Mayuri I know there is something going through your head right now and if you think I can solve it or listen to it then please say it after all aren't we sisters and family".
Those words hit me like a truck and I realized..... yes we are a family and a family is supposed to carry all your problems and solve them,.....even though I never saw a glimpse of that till now but maybe just maybe they will not be like everyone else so I decided to take a risk and tell big sis that right now I am acting like a perfect child but would she and would Mr. and Mrs. Jansha hate me if I start acting like how I usually act? This started to make me feel like my usual self....straight and direct. Not thinking about complicated stuff......I remember feeling so light at that moment......but I didn't tell her what my usual self is like, as I thought that would be a very stupid thing to do as I just wanted confirmation that if I started acting some other way they would not hate me.
Big sis made a troubled expression and after thinking for a while said,"hmm I don't know what your usual self is like and I always had a feeling that you were just being way to perfect, so that's why you started acting little strange few days ago........". After saying that she held my hand and said the words I would never forget,"Umm t-t-this is a-a little embarrassing to say BUT! I promise that no matter how you act I would never hate you and would always be your bis sis no matter what happens". Then her cheeks got little red and she became embarrassed by what she just said and told me, "so y-yeah t-that's that a-a-and YES! act normal in front of father and mother and other children because I don't know whether they would say the same things as I did. But you can ask mother and father and they would probably say the same thing".
At that moment my mind went blank, I mean so much Love and so much kindness that I have never experienced before from someone else and being overwhelmed by emotions I started crying and bis sis panicked and hugged me and being in that warm hug I realized that yes! yes! yes!!!! big sis is the one, big sis is the only one who would say these things to me....she isn't like others....she isn't like those other chidlren....she's isn't like that nun....she is different!
And if that's the case I would follow her and never let anyone bring harm to her for the rest of my life and would stick by her side every second of time to never miss a single sight of big sis.
Maybe, I would talk to Mr. and Mrs. Jansha about it later on.....but right now I'm completely satisfied.
"ah just thinking about that again made me cry" like big sis is the best.
'now let's see what she is doing right now' I closed the diary, put in the drawer and started walking toward big sis room and opened the door. She is already sleeping, must be tired of all the games we played. I walked towards her and sat on the ground beside her, observing her face and calmly listing to her sleeping and breathing sounds.
Big Sis is so pretty
Big Sis is so cute
Big Sis is just so..
'hmmmm this is it! this is it! this is what heaven feels like ' and I wonder whether big sis would be happy seeing my face first thing in the morning,..... hmm let's test it out.
She looks so angelic in her sleep....these cute snores.....calm face....these soft hands.......
I stayed awake all night thoroughly observing big sis's face, I mean there was never a moment of boredom in it. All the way it was exciting, fun and so dreamlike!
Ah! she's slowly opening her eyes! The first thing she sees is me right next to her face and a loud
"BIG SIS! GOOD MORNING!"
accompanied by a tight hug.
ahhhhhhhh!!!!! yes!!! this is heaven.