Maddy

“Hey, Steve?”

“Yes, Mads?” he responded. I could feel the resonance of his voice vibrate his chest, which my head was currently resting on. Damn, this pillow even vibrated.

“Did you absorb, like, any of the past half hour of this show?”

“No, Mads,” he said, and then laughed. I might be biased, but I thought it was a very good laugh. It sounded like it bubbled up from deep inside him just from him filling up with joy until it spilled out. 

He paused the TV. “So, uh… is there anything else you’d rather go do?” He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

I laughed, but a bit uncomfortably. As usual, he read me like a book.

“Mads? Everything okay?” He bent his neck to look down on me, an expression of concern on his big handsome face.

Well, fuck. I’d been thinking about this for the past few weeks. I guess it was probably about time I actually discussed this with him.

“Yeah, uh… Steve, there’s something I probably need to talk to you about.”

“Oh! Okay. Uh, is here okay? Did you want to sit up or anything? Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Steve! It’s okay, alright? I appreciate how hard you always try, but sometimes there’s not much you can do.” I sighed. “It’s just something I’ve realized about myself recently, and I hadn’t mentioned it because I wasn’t one hundred percent sure. I mean, I’m still not sure, but…”

“Yes?” He asked. 

“...Steve, I think I might be asexual.”

Steve

Huh. I hadn’t really been expecting that. Honestly, I’d psyched myself up for this being a big deal, like learning she was sick or something. 

“Okay!” I said.

She just… looked at me. Not mad so much as a bit exasperated. “That’s all? That’s your entire response?”

“Sorry, was it not good?”

She sighed and then leaned up to kiss me. “Steve, never change.”

We sat/lay there for a moment, before she pushed herself up to fully sitting beside me on the couch. “It’s really not a problem? That, like, your girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you?”

“Nah,” I said. “I mean, sex can be fun, but so can, like, cooking. I mean, I wouldn’t break up with someone if they were a vegetarian or couldn’t have caffeine or something. I really like hanging out with you and cuddling, and if that’s what you want to do I’m extremely down for it.”

“Okay,” she said. “God, I was really worried about this. I guess some part of my brain thinks that it only counts as a ‘real’ relationship if there’s sex, y’know? And as I was saying, I’m not really sure about this. For a long time I couldn’t really imagine myself having sex but I thought that was just because I was, like, a virgin. And I didn’t really get how or why some people kept putting themselves out there when rejection feels so bad.”

“Oof. Yeah, I mean, I get that. Prior to you, I hadn’t really dated seriously for a few years. Breakups are not fun. But, like, a relationship might last a few years and a breakup might last a day, y’know? I don’t always succeed but I try to live in the moment and enjoy things.”

Maddy sighed. “Wish I could do that. I don’t know… I guess all this stuff is really bound up in gender and stuff for me. Like, I used to be really worried that crossdressing was the only thing that really made me… feel anything, you know? I felt like there was something wrong with me, like my sexuality was accidentally targeting women’s clothes instead of women or something. I felt like I owed it to my parents to meet a girl and settle down and have kids and stuff, but… that just never felt right to me. I couldn’t imagine myself as the guy in a relationship, let alone a dad. And even now… I really, really like you, and being, I guess, the girl in our relationship, but… there’s still some confusion there. Like, do I just not like sex as a thing? Or is it dysphoria where I can’t get into my current, uh, bits being involved? Or maybe I’m demi or something? I don’t know!”

Maddy 

Steve reached over and patted my head. I took a few deep breaths in and out. God, I’d gotten myself worked up. But his headpats were very soothing.

“Maddy,” he said. “I like you, and I want to do things with you that both of us like doing. I’m not saying labels are bad, but I feel like you’re stressing yourself out right now trying to figure one out, and maybe this isn’t helpful but… what if you just, like, didn’t?”

“I just… didn’t?” I repeated.

“Yeah. I mean, you know who you are and what you like, right? I think labels are helpful if they help you know yourself, but if you already know what you’re like as a person I don’t think you have to label yourself. Just, y’know, do things that you like doing and don’t do things you don’t like.”

“Huh. Hmm. Yeah, I guess you have a point. I’m sorry. I kinda overthink everything.”

“You don’t need to apologize!” he said, and planted a lil smooch on my forehead. “I appreciate you communicating with me and being open. I would hate to feel like I pressured you into doing anything you didn’t want.”

“Well, what I want right now is to not think too much and to cuddle with my boyfriend,” I said.

Steve grinned. “I think that’s eminently doable.”