I double-checked my phone. Fuck, Zach was outside. I quickly finished shoving stuff into my suitcase and ran for the door. God I suck at time management. Just a fucking mess. At least I definitely had everything important. Wallet, phone, charger, keys… I patted my pockets just to be sure. Yep. God, I was gonna miss having pockets when I went full time. And I was 90% sure I packed my meds and toothbrush and stuff. Besides, most hotels gave you toiletries anyway.

It had just been so long since I’d been anywhere. This trip got delayed by like two years! Stupid panini. Anyway, I double-checked the door was locked–that’s me, OCD about the things that don’t really matter and always forgetting the things that do!--and we were off. I stuffed my suitcase in Zach’s trunk and flung myself into the back.

“You good, dude?” he asked, noting my lack of breath. “We’re not, like, on that tight a schedule.”

I shrugged. “I just don’t wanna make the girls wait, dude,” I said. I checked my watch. Yep, we were already five minutes late. “Let’s go!”

“Alright,” he said. “I think they’ll be fine, though. You worry too much, dude. Also, not calling shotgun?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I know Maria gets carsick easily. Figured I’d let her grab it.”

“Very considerate. Or maybe… you’re just a SIMP.”

I blushed slightly and looked down to avoid his gaze reflected in the rear view mirror. “Shut up!”

He knew I’d liked Maria back in high school, and even though I denied it, it wasn’t hard to tell that I still had a bit of a crush. I tried to tamp down on it, though. After all, I was pretty sure she was straight, and I didn’t exactly want to spring my gender on her as a surprise. Plus, there was pretty much no chance she was into me anyway. Everyone I remembered her dating was a big, strong, straight guy. And even when I tried to, uh, butch it up, no one would mistake me for one of those.

I knew that realistically my friends would probably be fine about me coming out, but I still kept putting it off. Part of it was just wanting to avoid good-natured teasing or “I told you so”. Even back in high school when I’d genuinely tried to just be a “normal dude” it never quite seemed to fit, and others definitely picked up on it. I think a lot of classmates had just thought I was weird or gay or something and, well… they weren’t exactly wrong? Just probably not in the way they thought. Or maybe I was bi? I glanced up at Zach again. Maybe it was just because we’d been friends for so long, but I could feel calm around him in a way that was rare for me. Stupid social anxiety. And I wasn’t sure if I was into guys much at all but I could at least admit he was objectively pretty attractive. No wonder Maria seemed to be into him.

My excessive, entirely internal worrying/musing was interrupted by the car pulling to stop. I did this way too often, just really got stuck in my own head and completely missed what was going on around me. Now that I was actually paying attention, I realized we were outside Maria’s parents house. Zach popped the trunk, and a moment later Maria and her friend Jenna were climbing in.

I was sitting in the middle of the back seat, where the ceiling dipped the lowest, because I was embarrassingly shorter than either of the cis girls. Well, maybe that was a good thing, actually? Damn, I still need to overcome some automatic, like, male programming. Jenna climbed in through the right door, while Maria started going around.

I perked up. “Maria! We left the front seat open for you!”

Maria abruptly reversed course and found her way to the seat next to Zach. “Aw, thanks!” she said. 

“There’s also a bag for if you need to puke,” Zach said. I shot him a glare. Handsome as he was, it was no wonder he barely had more success than I did at dating.

“Do you have to phrase it that way?” I complained.

Zach shrugged. “Hey, puke is puke. Would a puke by any other name not smell as sweet?”

“Gross!” Maria said, laughing. She lightly shoved at Zach’s shoulder, which he barely seemed to feel. I felt my heart sink seeing the chemistry between the two of them. But I didn’t want to be a shitty jealous friend. So I resolved to do my best as a wingman. Wingwoman? Wingperson. Let’s say wingperson.

“Sorry we’re late!” I said. “That’s on me.”

“What were you doing, finishing your makeup?” Maria asked. She kept a straight face for a moment before dissolving into another fit of giggles. I sighed. Why the fuck do I like girls who bully me? 

I decided to respond with dignity. “If you must know, I was trying to figure out what clothes to wear,” I said primly, sitting upright and crossing my arms.

 Maria laughed even more. “Oh my god, you’re such a girl.”

I looked down again, feeling my cheeks grow hot. Maybe this trip was a mistake. Well, I was already committed. 

We sat in silence for a moment. I was worried it was awkwardly long, but maybe I was worrying too much. Maybe I talked too much, actually? Or maybe I didn’t talk enough? Anyway, I eventually decided to say something else and change the subject. “Oh, so, Maria, how’s college been going for you?”

“It’s good!” she said. “People are cooler than at high school, that’s for sure. And I’m on the volleyball team and we basically smashed it last season!”

“Nice!” I said, nodding. “Classic tall girl sport.”

“If one more dude asks me if I play basketball I’m gonna dunk them,” she said, laughing. Jenna joined in.

I turned to Jenna, sitting right next to me. Well, not right next to me. I had tried to scoot over as best I could because I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by accidentally touching her thigh or something. “What have you been up to, Jenna?”

She shrugged. “Eh, not much. Living with my parents. Going to community college. Boring part-time job. Not like superstar athlete up there.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself!” Maria said. “I probably should have done community college and then transferred, honestly. Shit ain’t cheap.

Jenna shrugged. “I guess. I did join some student clubs, at least.”

“Oh, what clubs?” I asked. Honestly, besides her being Maria’s friend, I didn’t know Jenna terribly well.

“Uh, a philosophy club and then, like, the GSA,” she said. She seemed to tense up while saying the second.”

“Cool!” I said. “So, uh, are you the G or the A?” I then immediately regretted opening my mouth. You absolute jackass, you can’t just ask people shit like that.

She shrugged. “Eh? I dunno. Still trying to figure myself out, I guess.”

“Nothing wrong with a little college experimentation!”  Maria said cheerfully. “Lots of girls do it. Honestly, I think more guys should. Specifically, hot guys. Who are in a frat together.”

“Okay, perv,” Jenna said. The two of them started laughing again. 

After that I, uh, couldn’t really think of any other good topics of conversation for a while. It was silent again until I finally hit on something. “Oh, so, uh, Jenna what kind of job do you do?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m a barista. Pretty thrilling stuff, I know.”

The car sat in silence again. I glanced up at Zach, who seemed completely unperturbed by my catastrophic failure at making small talk. 

We sat in silence for what felt like several hours, but according to my watch was more like 20 minutes. Beside me, Jenna was looking at her phone.

Finally, Zach spoke. “Hey, any preference on where we stop for lunch?”

After some unproductive debate, we settled on a sandwich chain that no one liked but also no one hated. I ducked in to use the men’s room, cringing a bit as I went into a gross stall. Not that I couldn’t use a urinal, obviously, but I just really didn’t want to. I emerged just as Jenna came out of the women’s room.

“Next time we should stop at McDonald’s or something instead,” she whispered to me as we returned to waiting for our sandwiches near the counter. I nodded in agreement.

They didn’t have any indoor seating so after obtaining our soggy slabs of bread we headed back out to the car to eat. God, there was way too much mayo on this sandwich. But I persevered and ate it anyway. Besides, it was my fault for ordering it.

Zach glanced over at my sandwich. “Oh, you still doing that vegetarian thing?”

“I’m still not eating meat, yes,” I said. “It’s an ethical choice.” I didn’t mention my secret hope that it would also, uh, maybe reduce my muscle mass. Maybe I shouldn’t want that? Maybe that was anti-feminist of me. Who knows. Whatever.

“That’s cool,” Maria said. “My little sibling is a vegan.”

We sat in silence for a while munching, then tried to get ourselves cleaned up with some handfuls of free napkins before clambering into the car. Then we headed across the street to refill on gas. Zach also bought several water bottles. “Hydrate or die-drate!” he said before flinging two of them basically at my face. He was lucky I was a good catch.

After several more minutes of silent driving, Maria spoke up. “Hey, is it cool if I play some music?”

“Sure, aux cord is right there,” Zach said. Soon the sounds of vaguely melancholy 2010s indie pop washed over the car. I felt myself relax a little. Felt like I didn’t need to keep filling empty airtime. Not sure why I phrased it that way, not like this is a podcast, but whatever.

Sitting in the car as it gently rocked back and forth–Zach should maybe get his suspension looked at–and listening to the soft sounds of sad girl rock, I found myself gently lulled to sleep. 

Several hours later, I woke up with a start. I was leaning against something warm and kind of bony and–I suddenly sat bolt upright, realizing I’d been leaning against Jenna.

“I’m sorry!” I said to her. “I–I didn’t mean to get in your person space or–”

“Whoa, whoa, it’s fine,” she said. “You looked really peaceful as you slept. Just a sleepy lil guy. I couldn’t wake up a lil guy.”

I blushed slightly, unsure if I was being condescended to. And if… I liked it? Anyway. Ahem. I stretched a bit and looked around. Yep, it sure looked like we were parked outside a hotel.

Zach and Maria were absent from the front. “They went to go check in and get our keys,” Jenna explained. I nodded.

“You wanna get out and stretch our legs?” I asked.

“Sure!”

We paced around the parking lot for a bit. The hotel seemed pretty nice. Painted a nice neutral beige color and surrounded by small palm trees and immaculately trimmed flowering bushes. And it was surprisingly crowded, based on how many parked cars there were. A concern struck me.

“Uh, do you remember if Zach had reservations?”

“I think so?” she said. “Not sure, he mostly talked about logistics to Maria.” She sighed a little. 

I wonder if she likes Zach. God, at this rate he’s gonna have two girlfriends and I’ll have zero. There is no justice in this world.

A bit later, Zach and Maria returned, each clutching a pair of key cards. Zach turned to me, his face grim.

“Sorry, dude, but they’re almost all booked up,” he said. “I know you wanted to get a separate room from me, but we just got literally the only two rooms left.”

“You didn’t book in advance?” I asked, my voice slipping upwards into a pitch range an unkind person might characterize as a whine. 

“Slipped my mind. Really sorry, dude. At least it’s a two bed though, huh? And the girls got one to share, too.”

I sighed. I didn’t want to make a big deal about this. It’s not like Zach knew why I wanted my own room. I just, for once, wanted a space to myself where I could wear girl clothes with no chance of parents or a roommate suddenly bursting in. Welp. Fuck me, I guess. 

“It’s fine, dude,” I said. “You did the best you could under the circumstances.”

“Thanks, dude,” Zach said. “And hey, we get to be roomies! Best friend roomies, best friend roomies.”

“You’re such a dork,” I said.

Maria laughed. “I ship it,” she said.

Later, we had finished lugging out suitcases to the rooms. Zach was in the shower while I made an unpleasant discovery.

In my constant waffling on what clothes to pack, and on what ratio between girl and boy clothes–I had somehow really fucked up. Besides what I was wearing (minus the panties, and technically, the socks) I hadn’t brought any boy clothes on this trip.

Well. Uh. Hmm. I mean, I could always go buy some clothes somewhere? But on the other hand, I had plenty of perfectly good clothes that fit me and looked decent right here. After some more dithering, I decided I could make do. Some of these clothes were pretty androgynous, after all. They made men’s shirts with v-necks and cap sleeves, right? Really, the only real difference between the girl t-shirts and shorts I’d packed, and the boy ones I was wearing, was the material and the length. That’s really not that much. I could do this. Just had to do it with confidence and I could pull it off!

…confidence. The thing I famously lacked. Maybe I was fucked.