The blood in her pure white robes didn’t leave, no matter how hard she scrubbed. The scenes played in her head relentlessly, her hands became numb with the friction and the qi throughout her body moved franticly like her emotions.

She eventually gave up on the robes, turning away from them. She didn’t dare to look at them again. Closing her eyes gave her no solace either as the color red and that man’s face clouded her vision. She thought she was stronger than this, thought that having memories of another world and life was an advantage.

She truly believed that she could adapt here, live the reincarnator’s life, that she could become strong or hug some handsome dude’s thigh. That she would look at life and death indifferently, she experienced death before after all. She was wrong, and now she regrets. She lived 15 years of this new life by now, and yet she still feels like a child. Weak and venerable.

Her eyes closed and the scene played again, it was the first mission out of the sect. A simple messenger mission that didn’t have much value in the first place. It was an outer disciple’s mission. That was until she was taken hostage by a demonic cultivator. A shuddered ran trough her at remembering that part. The fear of dying again, and the desperation that ran trough her. She frozen just like she didn’t in her first life when her friends jump-scared her. A silent scream at the base of her throat that refused to move.

In less than a minute the senior brother, someone she has always looked up to, brandish his sword and cut the demonic cultivator down. She couldn’t avoid the blood that sprayed on her.

And when her senior brother moved to touch her, she flinched away. Still in shock about what happened she looked at him with fear as well. His kind demeanor changed to one of disgust and he utter one word at her before heading away.

“Pathetic” She whispered as this word in his voice played out as well.

She left her dorm room and headed to the forest behind the building. She moved through the forest and down the mountain instead of up them like usually. Despite being social she prefers isolated areas best. Everyone goes up the mountain to find spots the train but never down them.

When she arrived at the place she had set up as an area to train and looked around. Cheap weapons were discarded around the floor carelessly by her.

She looked at the first weapon that she discarded a year ago when she first got here, a sword. She felt discontent with it at first just like everyone else but as time progressed the feelings worsened instead of improved. It wasn’t long before everyone overshadowed her, and the teacher announced her to have no talent for swords.

Her hand gentle ran against the sword, hoping to feel something other then cold lifeless steel but she was met with disappointment. Placing it on the ground she moved to the second weapon.

A broken fan. Not only did it not work out for her, but it caused chaos. She personally blew up five of them before she gave up. This time she didn’t even dare to touch it. The last weapon she tried was a whip.

She hugged the whip and cried. The first time she used it was against a demonic beast the size of a cat. It wasn’t very cute, but the moment it was hit, the beast made a whimpering noise and her heart broke. She ended up using the rest of her spirit stones to buy medicine for it.

Sometimes the little beast would visit her and give her a share of meat it caught. He was the only friend she had in this world.

She really was pathetic. So, much for a cultivation adventure. What delusional dreams did she once believe before? In this world there’s only her and her beast.

Her silent cries turned into loud sobs. The birds flew away, and she curled on the ground. Sword to her back, fan at her feet, and the whip wrapped around her right wrist. If she wasn't so hysterical she would have laminated that this would be the moment the protagonist gritted their teeth and achieve some enlightenment, but that didn’t happen.

Instead, she cried until she couldn't cry anymore, and the sun that hung in the middle of the sky had been overtaken by the moon. She slept there that night.