“Hayato, would you be so kind as to answer one little question?”

“Sure, what is it~?”

“Did you seriously have to wear a skirt today?”

“I told you, skirts are sooo comfortable, you really should try one on!”

“Seriously dude, get changed. I saw your ass like three times today already and we barely got out of the bus.”

“Do you want to say that my butt isn’t cute~?”

“That’s the worst part. It is.”

“You see! All good then!”

“Eeeh…”

“Jesus Christ, shut up! I’ve just eaten!” Mai, who was getting out of the bus behind us, expressed her complaints about Hayato’s fashion choices and our conversation regarding them.

“Haha, well, as long as you’re feeling good about yourself, I guess it’s alright?” Saki was the next, and also the last person of our little group to come out of the bus that took us to the nearby mountains for our two-day Field Trip™.

The scenery was breathtaking. Tall and densely forested mountains stretched around, as far as the eye could see. The birds were singing loudly, doing their best to surpass the annoying cicadas (and failing to do so) while the water of the mountain stream splashed against the stones it met along its way, creating a peaceful, ambient murmur. On the other side of a flat field where we were currently standing, was a nearly ancient looking, but unexpectedly tidy building. It was the inn, or ryokan, that we and all the other second-year students gathered on the plain were supposed to be staying in for the next two days and two nights. I guess the Student Council decided to skim on the fuel expenses and instead rent the best ryokan they could find in the vicinity. 

Speaking of whom, they were already fulfilling their duties…

“Please excuse my tactless remark, Yanus, but how did you manage to make a 10 kilometre ride last for almost an hour? Is there something wrong with you?” …By arguing with the bus driver. It is true, however, that the ride took us way more than we expected.

“Eghhhh… Didn’cha see all de rroad worrks? I had to take a detourr.”

“Even so, you were going insultingly slow. I’m hoping you’ll reflect on your driving and at least get close to the speed limit on our way back.”

“Alrright, alrright, eeghghgg…”

“ ‘Alright’ what?”

“...”

“I can’t hear you.”

“Alrright, Hiyaoka-san.”

“Much better.”

A truly bizarre view. The first-year, petit Hiyaoka was treating the bulky driver like he was her slave. Or a pet. Bet Hayato would enjoy being in his shoes.

“Who even is this guy?” I ask the group, as we all watched the uncanny scene happening in front of our eyes.

“I have no idea…”

“Where did they even find him? He looks like one of those hobos that I’d meet by the gym.” Harsh, but accurate description from Hayato.

Our bus driver, who’s name (or surname? I honestly have no idea) was Yanus, was one hell of a unit, but in a negative way. His posture and general impression reminded me of a stereotypical balkan or slavic uncle that wears Ad*das tracksuit with skin darkened by either the southern European sun, or dirt. Or both. Well, he actually was wearing a similar tracksuit with a white sleeveless shirt that clearly hasn’t been washed for a concerning period of time. He had a big and chunky nose and a head that was mostly devoid of any hair, other than the bits on the sides. Oh yeah, and if his appearance wasn’t not-Japanese enough, his accent gave away that fact that he’s a foreigner without even looking at him. He knows how to rrrrroll his Rs, that’s for sure. 

While we were bewildered and honestly, a bit concerned with our driver and whether he’s sober, Hiyaoka was continuing her assault on the poor fellow. At the same moment, a familiar face joined our confused circle.

“Good morning! How do you like the place we’ve chosen for the field trip?~” It was Yuuri Kanazaki, our Student Council President. 

“Better than I expected, I have to say.”

“Glad to hear that~ Well then, what are you chatting about?” 

“We were just wondering who that guy is and why is Hiyaoka going full ham at him.” I answer.

“Oh, it’s Yanus-sensei.”

“...Sensei? He’s a teacher?” Saki asked in disbelief.

“Correct~ He’s a P.E. teacher at our school. But as far as I know, neither your or Oogawa-kun’s classes have lessons with him.”

“This guy is a teacher…?” Hayato expressed his amazement.

“A very competent one, in fact~” I wasn’t quite sure whether Kaichou was being sarcastic or not.

“Huh…” I vocalized my confusion audibly. 

“Are you and Hiyaoka-san also staying here?” Saki asked, as the trip was meant to be only for the second-year students.

“Of course, we’re from the Student Council, after all~ We need to keep an eye on you and make sure everything goes smoothly.” Kaichou explained.

“Yuuri.” A quiet voice suddenly cut in our conversation. It was Hiyaoka who must’ve already dealt with Yanus-sensei. I looked in the direction of the bus quickly to get a glimpse of him mumbling something, probably not very nice about Hiyaoka. 

“Ara, what is it, Rin?”

“I settled the matters with Yanus. We should get going now.”

“Thank you~” Kaichou hugged Hiyaoka all of a sudden and started to rub against her like a cat with separation anxiety.”

“Yuuri, please stop. I’m not a child anymore.”

“Fufu, how cute~ Sorry, I just felt a bit lonely~” As I expected, Hayato, who was standing still next to me was now drooling and fantasizing about Hiyaoka as this whole questionable scene unfurled in front of us. “Oh, excuse me!” Kaichou finally remembered we were there. “I need to go now, take care and let me know if you encounter any problems!” She turned around abruptly, swinging her hair majestically. However, I noticed something else that was also flung into the air alongside the deep-blue strands of hair. It was a small pendant strapped to her backpack. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about it, for a normal person, but my eyes sparkled as soon as I caught a glimpse of what it actually was. 

“Rika…” Someone next to me said quietly, but with enough volume for all of us and Kaichou to hear. The pendant that sparkled in the sunlight was one of those keychain-type thingies with an anime character drawn on them. And that character was in fact my ultimate SSS Tier waifu. Short, blue hair, round glasses and characteristic fingerless gloves. There was no doubt in my mind. Kaichou had Rika from Rabu Rabu Gakusen strapped to her backpack. And even more bizarre than that was the fact that it was Mai who noticed it first and said the name.

“W-W-W-WHaT? WhO? WhERe? Ahahah, who is this ‘Rika’ you’re talking about, Gotou-san???” Kaichou stopped in her tracks and went crazy. She was looking in all the directions of the world in panic while trying to brush off the topic. I felt like I was watching someone’s secret being brought to light and them wanting to die of embarrassment.

“Your pendant… It’s Rika.” Mai said once again, louder this time, though still in seemingly too much shock to move a muscle.

“I have no idea what you’re talking aboooout~ Oh, this little thing? Oh, I, I just got it from a friend! Yes, it was a gift from a person I hold deAAAAAOOOW!” Kaichou’s lamentable attempt at coming up with an excuse ended in her walking into a bush and falling down on it. This time however I was too far away to intervene in time. Hiyaoka had to help her stand up from the thicket.

“Kanazaki-kaichou, are you okay?!” Saki shouted, as the fall looked pretty nasty.

“Ara ara, clumsy me~ Yes, I'm okay, thank you, Mikazuki-san. Well then, see you soon, we’ll be leaving now. Make sure to go and check in at the ryokan! Oh, and remember, the rooms are not coeducational!Have fun during the trip ahahaha…” She said and took her leave in a resigned manner with her head and arms hanging low. And Hiyaoka shaking off leaves and other unidentified organic matter from her uniform. 

“Oh right, we’re in high school now… So we can’t stay in the same room…” Saki said, disheartened. 

“Sorry, Saki. I thought that was obvious.” As I say I realize that I might’ve made things only worse. She looked at me with a complex expression in response. There was a mixture of irritation, sadness and indifference on her face now. 

“Ah, no, I mean, that’s not what I meant… You’re right, I could’ve told you earlier that we won’t be able to stay in one room…”

“Saki-chan, it’s fine! You can be together with Mai-chan! Plus we’ll make sure to visit you lots, so it’ll be almost as if we all were roommates!” Hayato sensed his Bro, aka me, fucked up and tried to save my dense ass.

“...” But to no avail. “Excuse me, I need to go to the toilet.” Saki said and walked away angrily. In a direction opposite of the ryokan, where the nearest toilets should have been located.

“Pheeeeeew, that wasn’t too smooth, my friend.” Hayato commented.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious. What do you think made her this mad? Was it the thing I said?”

“Come oooon, you seriously don’t know?~”

“Please, enlighten me, Mr. Heartbreaker.”

“Don’t worrry kid.” An unfamiliar kind of shiver ran down my spine. I didn’t know whose voice I just heard right behind my ear, and whose hand suddenly grabbed my shoulder, but that definitely wasn’t Hayato. “Gurrrls arr strrange, ya know? Everry once ina while they become like this and then… Eeh, let’s just say I wouldn't apprrach one. Not without a box of chocolates, at least. Or a wallet full of grrreen. Yea, that’d be even bettrrr.”

“Huh…I-is that so…?!” The peculiar accent and the offputting scent of cheap perfume mixed with cigarretes and vile beer. Only when I turned around to see who was standing behind me, did it all fall into place.”

“Yanus…sensei? Good morning…?” Hayato wasn’t sure how to behave. And I didn’t blame him.

“Ooh la la, and who do we have herrre…? Grretings, fairrr maiden.” The menacing last boss of a hobo themed RPG took Hayato’s hand and kissed it gently. I swear to god, what’s wrong with this world?

Hayato’s eyes were begging me to take action and make it stop. But I was just as paralyzed as he was. What was I even supposed to do? I just stood there watching the Ugly Bastard™ covering my best friend’s hand in his fluids.

“Oi, what are you doing?! Come on! You goddamn cheeky wankers.” A voice of hope. A shout of inspiration. Calling us, was the embodiment of our last chance of getting out of this situation without suffering incurable mental harm. Mai must’ve left us around the same time as Saki and was now shouting back to us from the back of the group of students entering the ryokan to check in. 

Yanus-sensei let go off  Hayato’s no-longer-innocent palm involuntarily, after Mai drew our attention. Hayato and I didn’t hesitate for even a split second. We dashed towards the ryokan, leaving the P.E teacher behind, confused. 

“Hey, wherrr arr you goin? Sweethearrrt, please come back!” Please don’t follow us, please don’t follow us, please don’t follow us, please don’t follow us.

“What the hell were you doing there with that creep?” Mai scolded us.

“Give us a break. Hayato’s hand’s just been sexually harassed.” I say with the straightest face ever.

“...Huh?”

“My poor little hand… she’s still so young and this… this monster just…” Hayato was on the verge of tears. And no one could blame him. Our terrified duo accompanied by Mai the Saviour caught up to the students led by Toyokawa-sensei at last and managed to check in after one of the most unsettling events either of us has ever encountered.  

 

…

 

“Okaaaay everyone, we’re here! Please unpack and enjoy your free time while Yanus-sensei fires up the grill~” We, amongst all the other other second year students, reached the destination of our afternoon hike. After checking in at the inn and leaving most of our stuff in our rooms, we set off up the mountain stream. The goal being to set up a grill and enjoy our inevitably fleeting youth and the clean, mountain air on a rocky river beach. A classic item on every cliche field trip’s ‘To do list’. Toyokawa-sensei spoke to our large group, after guiding us to this spot together with other teachers whom I’ve never seen before. Oh yeah, and Yanus-sensei. That guy, on the other hand, I wish I’d forgotten about.

“Mmmm, Hideko-san, everrrytime I see you I feel like grrrilling up something morrre than just my sausage he he he… No, wait, I mixed something up. How did that line go? 

“Please don’t speak to me or I’ll call the police~”

“Hmpf, same thing everrrytime…” Resigned Yanus snorted audibly. “How would you even call de cops? Therre isn’t any reeception herrre. Silly woman.” He said something that must’ve been impossible for even Toyokawa-sensei to hear. Though I have a feeling I’ll be better off without knowing what he said there.

“That…Yanus-sensei… Is he kind of weird or is it just me?” Saki, who was standing next to me said.

“Nah, he’s not weird. He’s completely crazy.”

“Don’t remind me please, I’ve washed my hands like six times back at the ryokan…” Crouching by the river was Hayato, washing hands for presumably, the seventh time. 

“I don’t think I get what you mean…” 

“Let’s just say that we had an intimate encounter with Yanus-sensei earlier.

“Huh…” Saki tried her best to decipher Hayato’s sudden urge to purify his mind and body, but failed to do so in the end.

“Speaking of weird individuals, guess who we ended up with in the same room.” I ask her to change the topic a bit while taking the blankets and a bottle of water from my backpack, as Toyokawa-sensei suggested.

“Hm, I don’t kno-”

“HO HO, who do we have here! Hiro-motherfucking-Sekuhara.”

“Lookin’ forward to staying in the same room with you, mate.

“It seems our paths tangle yet again, Sekuhara-kun.”

Speak of the devil. Or three devils. There they are again - the infamous Harem Club was now standing in front of us with mischievous smiles smeared all over their acne-covered faces.

“...Hi?” I’m not sure what I was supposed to say. Was it their plan all along to end up in one room with me and then beat me up? I’m pretty sure they were trying to come up with an idea to mess me up that time I eavesdropped on them. 

“Hello there~ Hope we’ll get along A-okay!” Hayato didn’t get a chance to meet them back at the inn, as he rushed for the restroom to wash Yanus-sensei’s saliva off of his hand.

“...” All three of them went silent. And their faces reddened.

“Y-yeah.”

“M-me too! Let’s get along well!”

“Please forgive us, but thine beauty stunned us on the spot. We shall take our leave now and reflect on… important stuff.”

…Did they just fall for Hayato? Also, is it just me, or has there been an unsettling amount of yaoi-esque things happening lately? Anyway, the important thing is that they left us alone.

 “Haha, such nice guys~” Hayato summed up while waving to the members of the Harem Club with a kind smile.

“You realize they totally want to bang you?”

“Naaah, they just admire my cuteness~ And you should do so too, from time to time, Hero.” He’s a lost cause. But I didn’t feel like going deeper on the topic, so I just stayed quiet and continued unpacking, similarly to everyone around.

The excited voices of the students were becoming more and more prevalent. Everyone was chatting with their mates while impatiently waiting for the meat and veggies from Yanus-sensei’s grill to be ready. Some girls were already splashing themselves with the cool water despite their teacher constantly scolding them for doing so. Me, Saki and Hayato set up our little camp on the outskirts of the crowd, partially because we didn’t want to stand out and also because we didn’t consider ourselves to be ‘cool enough’ to sit closer to the epicenter. You know, like the backseats of a school bus that are always occupied by the ‘popular kids’. Shouldn't surprise you that I would always sit in the front half of such a bus.

“Have you thought about a plan for the trip, Hiro?” Saki, who sat beside me, asked.

“Ah, yes, sorry I didn’t have time to send it to you guys.” I wanted to make sure it was perfect, so I kept discussing the perfect Field Trip Arc with the Creator until yesterday’s night. “But I have this. I drew it on the bus.” I pulled out a creased piece of paper from my pocket and straightened it hastily.

Saki and Hayato leaned in to scan what I’d written down regarding the cliche field trip events.

“Grill by the river, game night with Old Maid and pillow fighting, test of courage and hot springs… I’m not an expert, but it sounds like it could be a school anime episode!” Saki commented on my efforts.

“Nice job, Hero~”

“Thanks. I made some notes on the side here as well, but those are mostly me just thinking outlou-”

“Where’s ping-pong?”

“Ooooh, Mai-chan, where have you been??? We’ve missed you!”

“I was sitting right next to you, moron!” Mai appeared behind us all of sudden and pointed to the spot where she was sitting with her finger. Yeah, ‘right next to you' was an overstatement on her part. It was like 10 or 15 metres behind us and looked like she was the person that was the furthest away from the grill, which served as the strategic centre point. “Anyway, Hiro. You forgot about a ping-pong game between two rivaling characters at the ryokan.”

“Huh, you’re actually right. I completely skipped over it.” I said while quickly double-checking my notes.

“Mai-san, you seem quite knowledgeable! Did you also use to watch a lot of anime?” Saki asked her innocently without a hint of any ill intent. 

“...S-shut up, I’m not some creep.” She hesitated a bit, only to look at me so as to add ‘unlike a certain someone’ to her sentence.

“Heeee, didn’t you say that you don’t feel like helping us, Mai-chan?~”

“Fuck. Off!.” Mai screamed in Hayato’s face loud enough that some of the nearby students turned around to check what was going on. She took her leave right after that and headed inside the crowd, in the direction of Yanus-sensei’s grill.

“You can see she’s not being honest with herself, haha. What a cutie~” Hayato said.

“You already forgot about how you were head over heels for Hiyaoka?”

“Never!” He shot straight up from his blanket and was standing in a determined pose in front of us with his fist clenched. “Rin-chan is the one I’ve devoted my heart to! Where is she now? Oh, oh, I see her! Rin-chaaaaaan!~~~” Aaand off he goes. Leaving me and Saki with troubled expressions behind.

“Nothing breaks this man's spirit, I swear.”

“That’s what I like about him though!”

“Can’t argue with that.”  After we exchanged our opinions on Hayato’s personality, Saki took the piece of paper with my notes once again.

“Hiro? You want to be paired with Mai-san during the test of courage? Why is that?” She asked without taking her eyes off the paper.

“Ah, yea, that’s usually how it is. I don’t want to risk breaking the world. Especially during such an important event.” I explain quickly.

“...Is Mai-san okay with that?” 

“Probably not. But we don’t have a choice. I’ll convince her somehow.”

“Is that so?” Saki said plainly. After a few seconds passed, she got up and took the same path as Mai.

“Oh, could you get me a sausage as well? Hey, Saki! Oi!” She didn’t react. She must’ve not heard me. Guess I’ll have to go there on my own. Before I get up however I take one more look around. Yup, Hayato was already getting his butt kicked by Hiyaoka in the distance, while Kaichou tried to hold back her laughter. All perfectly normal.