I tried to wipe my eyes, but even that was near impossible. I wanted nothing more than to slam my hands against the table, do something to let out my emotions. Anger, grief, sadness, pain.

I stood up from the couch, walked toward the door, and stopped mid-way across the room. I unfolded my wings and gave them a large, rigid flap. The force pushed me closer to the wall behind me, and the muscles in my chest pulled tight. I took a deep breath and forced it back out as hard and fast as possible.

"KEEE-AHHHHH," I screeched before taking another breath and repeating. "KEEEE-AHHHHH" As I went to take another, my breath was broken up. I folded my wings tight, fell to my knees, and rolled onto my side. Crying as well as a hawk could, I wanted nothing more than for it all to stop. I tucked my head under my right wing and tried to hide from it all.

"Lyall?" Rylie called out. "Everything is going to be okay. But I need you to try and calm down, and this isn't going to help you right now." She said.

Wouldn't help? Nothing seems to help, and I get myself worked up just to bring on more changes. What's stopping me from ending it here? I could end the stress and worry if I had given in.

Darren did it.

Damien did it.

Benji did it.

I could do it.

I SHOULD do it.

"Lyall! Snap out of it, kid!" Rylie shouted.

I opened my eyes to see. A mess of feathers surrounded my head as I lifted my head out from under my wing. Looking around the room, and everyone was watching me, waiting for my next move. I made a huge scene and made myself look like an utter fool. A hawk, a fierce predator, curled up on the floor, crying to himself. I tried to situate myself back onto my feet, a struggle without hands. Once on my knees, Rylie and Matthew assisted me to my feet.

"I'm... sorry about that," I said quietly.

Nash quickly responded, "Sorry? For what? You have nothing to be sorry about."

As I collected myself, I still had thoughts lingering in my head. They did not seem to be my own, but they felt right, even if I knew they weren't.

Give in.

Let the changes finish.

Embrace it.

I ignored the thoughts as best as I could. But they were persistent, constantly filling my head. Even though it's entirely against how I would think, my mind WANTED to finish.

I inspected my wings, and the feathers had fully gown in. The back sides are covered in shades of black, brown, and white. My muscles had changed. Stronger muscles connected my wings to my chest, and They would flex as I pushed my wings forward. Slowly my body had begun preparing itself for flight.

I looked about the room at all the faces watching me. "I think I'm gonna sleep this off," I said, unsure.

"Is that a good idea?" Matthew asked, "Are you sure you are thinking straight?"

"Yeah, no, maybe?" I answered, "This is different. He's not trying to take over. He's just here now."

"He?" Matthew asked, confused. "Who is He?"

"The hawk. He's here, and he wants me to change." I said.

Matthew looked at the others, confused. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I feel fine," I said flatly. "Good night, all," I said as I started up the stairs. Careful as I could not use the handrails. I opened my door with my wings and laid on the bed. I had no desire to get under the blankets, and laying on them was okay. I closed my eyes and drifted off.

The trees creaked as a light wind rustled the leaves. I was standing in the woods with the sun peeking through the leaves. I heard a flapping, and I turned to see a hawk perched on a branch. The colors looked identical to mine, but looking at myself, I was fully human. The hawk stared at me as the thoughts returned.

Let the changes happen.

Don't fight it.

As the thoughts came into my head, I felt my body shifting—first, my eyes, then my tail. I tried to stop them but nothing would, the changes slowly creeping along. The hawk perched in the tree, still watching motionless.

This is the real you.

This is the better you.

You WANT this.

My hips shifted, and feathers covered my lower body. I could feel my insides moving as they changed. The hawk was still staring at me as if it were waiting for something. I opened my mouth to speak, and it seemed to lift its head.

"It's you?" I asked. "Are you doing this?" As thoughts entered my head yet again.

We are one.

I am you, and you are me.

Don't fight it.

My face pressed outward as the beak emerged from my lips. My vocal cords became raspy as they, too, changed. My feathers spread down my back and across my body, filling in the skin gaps on my torso.

"Will I still be... me? When it's over?" I asked the hawk.

This is you.

This will be you.

My arms shifted into wings, the feathers growing out, my arms extending and changing. My whole wings span, my new muscles, and my wings were ready for flight. The hawk adjusted its wings, standing still otherwise.

It's almost done.

There is no sense in fighting it.

I closed my eyes to try and block the thoughts. They boomed in my head. I tucked my wings in tight and lowered my head to my chest, digging my beak into my feathers. I opened my eyes to see the ground. I saw a man standing in the clearing, staring at me. He was looking up at me from the ground. Looking at my body, I was entirely changed and standing on a branch. My eyes were glued to the man in the clearing.

I heard my voice this time, and it boomed in my head as it spoke.

This is me.

Embrace it.

I woke up on my bed, panting. Unsure of what I had just witnessed. My body was still the same as before I went to bed, and nothing looked human besides my rough-skinned feet. I climbed out of bed and to the door. I could hear talking downstairs, but it seemed to hush as my door opened. I carefully walked down the stairs, afraid of falling with no way of catching myself.

All five of my housemates were sitting on the couches. TV turned off, silently sitting. Rylie and Jeremy looked my way as I approached the group.

"Morning, guys," I said to the group. "Weird night, yeah?"

"How are the wings holding up?" Rylie asked.

"Like this," I said, holding my wings up slightly. This got a chuckle from Nash. "I think it's still just the initial shock, that, or I guess I don't really mind them?"

"Well, after your reaction last night, I think there may be a bit more to it," Rylie said. "Come sit with us."

I sat down on the recliner, and it seemed almost like a parent setting up a talk about bad behavior. Rylie looked at Matthew, and Matthew took a breath in. He opened his beak to talk but hesitated, and Rylie quickly jumped in and began.

"Lyall, we need you, to be honest with us. Did it take control last night?" She asked.

"The hawk? No, or at least I don't think so. I dreamt last night, but it was different. Come to think of it, last night in my head was different." I said, questioning my memories of last night.

"What do you mean different?" Matthew asked.

I thought about it for a second. "It doesn't seem to take over as it did, but I can hear it. I can feel its thoughts almost like it's... disconnected?" That term, I could only think of one thing when I thought of it. Could I still be affected by it? Could it have permanently changed my mind?

"What did it feel like when your arms changed? Did it seem different?" Rylie asked.

"I just felt it happen. It wasn't like a mental episode, and I felt the changes as they happened. It was weird." I said, reliving the burning growth of my wings.

Matthew sighed. "I know you have been avoiding this talk, but we have to think about your plans."

I waited to say anything. Unsure if I didn't fully understand or wanted to ignore it, I asked, "Plans for what?"

"Lyall, you're only a few steps away. After last night, you have no way of knowing when it will happen. We need to talk about what you want." Matthew said quietly.

"Oh," I whispered. I was just a few changes away from becoming a full bird, and I didn't have long, and deep down, I knew it already, and I just couldn't admit it to myself.

"Do you know if you want to be captive or wild?" Matthew asked, looking at a sheet on the table. "Benji and Damien are captive; we could set you up with that."

I didn't want to be a model or some experiment—The idea of living the in the wild seemed to excite me. Freedom from enclosure and freedom to do whatever I would desire. I had thought about where I would want to go—the meadow where Kole and I walked last year seemed like a beautiful place. Away from danger, protected lands, and close to home... accessible?

"I know where I would want to be. I don't want to live in a box, and I'd rather live the full life as my new self." I said confidently. "I want to decide when I change, and I want to be in control."

Matthew nodded. "If that's what you want, but it's never too late to change your mind, you know."

I could see why you wouldn't want to be turned loose. The safety of a controlled environment and all your needs met for you. But I don't know if I could have a fulfilling life in that manner. I want to embrace it and live a new life.

Living with no hands required a lot of adjustments. I could no longer be completely independent as I could no longer do some of the most basic tasks myself. Without assistance, I could no longer operate the TV or even contact my Mom. The longer I went, the more I felt like I constantly needed help.

I visited Dr. Leslie, but Nash had to accompany me for the entire process. It seems funny that until now, I have been able to live a mostly independent life, but I currently need assistance with almost everything. Soon I would go the opposite extreme and live a wholly independent and frankly isolated life. Humans are social creatures and need interaction, whereas raptors are alone, with a few exceptions.

During my visit with Leslie, she essentially warned me of how close I was. She tried her best to word it as nicely as possible, but I was already aware I was in the final stretch. She did not bother with X-rays or any testing because I needed to get all my ducks in a row and be prepared for when it happens. The only thing other than talking that happened was an ID microchip put into my back. It was a quick and painless injection, and she explained it similar to what they have for pet dogs, the alternative to being banded before release.

As we left, I thanked her for everything she had done. Her face told me that she had grown numb to her patients finishing. As often as she has seen it, I don't envy her and the stress it probably has on her.

Over the next few weeks, the weather improved. Officially making it to spring as the outside world lost its depressing, dreary look and trees began to fill with leaves again. I found myself spending more time in the small yard behind the house. I felt the sun's warmth on my feathered body for the first time, and it felt cozy and calming compared to the cold winter air.

I preferred to walk barefoot with the partially changed skin on my legs and feet. While it was still mostly human, it became easily irritated when covered with any fabric material, and I enjoyed the feeling of the ground directly against my feet anyways. While walking around the neighborhood with Rylie, talking about her springtime adjustments, I found my feet slightly irritated, and I tried to ignore them as we walked.

"They feel out of place all the time, and the constant irritation grinds you down," Rylie said as she messed with her feathers. "Molting is easily the worst part of having feathers."

"I'm glad I haven't had to deal with it yet," I said, chuckling. "When do hawks molt anyway?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. I know male peregrines molt later in the year, and females get to deal with it early, though." Rylie said, "Something to do with nesting."

"I should probably learn this stuff, you know, might be-," I said as I was interrupted by the irritation in my feet. "Agh, I don't know what I've done to my feet, but it feels like they are covered in bug bites," I said as I scratched one foot with another.

Rylie looked down at my legs as she asked, "Do they hurt, or are they still just itchy?"

"Itchy, but like deep itchy," I replied.

Suddenly, my feet had a small amount of pain and fell asleep. The pins and needles feeling gave me a shock. Looking closer, it looked as though my skin was changing. The skin of my legs and feet slowly turned a light yellow as the skin toughened further. My feet ached as my two smallest toes merged to become one. My toes extended longer, growing as I felt my big toes begin to ache at the joint. They turned inward, forcing me to lift my heel from the ground and only stopping once my bog toe faced backward.

"Oh god, Lyall," Rylie said, taking a step back.

"All good. All good," I assured her, watching my own feet shift.

My four toes continued to extend as black claws grew from their tips. The claws curved down to the ground, forming large, sharp "C" shapes. My toes eventually stopped leaving me with fully formed talons. I lifted one talon and experimentally closed it. I sat my new talon back on the ground and looked at Rylie.

"See, no big deal," I said calmly.

"Are you feeling okay? That isn't a little deal. That was your last human body part!" She shouted.

I looked back down at my feet. She was correct; at this point, there weren't any specific human parts on me. Besides my torso's general shape still resembling a human slightly, I was mostly a bird. I should be worried and concerned, but it just seemed okay. It didn't seem all that worrying to me.

"Ehh, they look fine. I kind of like them." I said excitedly.

Rylie gave me a blank stare before speaking. "That hawk has more influence on you than you know." She said quietly.

"I should be freaking out, but it just feels normal. I still feel like I'm in control, but I feel like I don't care about my feet." I said, "I still feel like Lyall, and I still feel human."

Rylie threw her arms around me as she gave me a surprise hug. "Lyall, please just tell me if you feel it take over." She said roughly.

"I promise I'll give you a sign," I said, leaning my head against her shoulder. "It's still Lyall. I'm still myself."

"I've liked having another raptor around. Someone who deals with the same crap I do." She said, chuckling as she let go of me. "I hate to see you get to this point, and I know I'll be here too in the future."

We walked back to the house, my new talons clicking on the sidewalk the entire way. My new walking motion felt odd as what was once my heel now lifted, giving me the feeling of standing on my toes. We entered the house as Nash and Matthew cleaned up some spill in the living room. Rylie and I walked into the living room and watched as they wiped up blue juice from the floor.

"When you guys get a moment, Matthew, I want to talk with you privately," I said slowly.

Matthew turned to look at me and immediately noticed my feet. "Oh, oh my..." He turned to look at Nash. "Can you finish this for me?" He asked Nash as he got up. "Upstairs, your room." He said as he turned to the stairs.

I followed him up the stair to my room, where he shut the door behind us. He sat on the bed and gestured for me to sit in the chair. "So when did this happen?" He asked quietly.

"While walking with Rylie. My feet felt itchy, and then..." I said, holding up a partially closed talon.

"Damn, you couldn't stop it? I mean, if you wanted it to happen, that's fine too. I just want to know," he asked.

"No, It just happened. I had a little cramp, and then it was over. The whole change probably took five minutes." I explained.

"Is there anything you need help with? Anything I can do?" He asked.

I thought hard before saying my following sentence. I know what this means and have been expecting it for quite a long time. I had reached the end and wanted to stick to my guns and have it end my way. Either I do it now, or my next change will be it.

I took a deep breath before speaking. "Matthew, I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go to the meadow and end this." I said confidently. "I either do it myself now, or it does it for me."

Matthew closed his eyes. "Okay, I understand. When do you want to do it? Do you know?" he asked.

"No, I want to see my Mom first. Then I guess we can go." I said quietly. How would my Mom act? Would she feel the same relief, or would she be sad? I would argue to say sad, but I know this whole last year has been a rollercoaster for her. I feel bad dropping this all at once to her, but I know I need to see her one last time before.

Matthew and I sat in my room without saying a word. I adjusted my wings a bit and experimented with my feet, trying to make it less awkward. Matthew sighed before he spoke, "Do you want to tell the others, or do you want me to?"

"I guess if we are doing that soon, I'll need to tell them now," I said quietly. "What if we did Thursday?" I asked.

"Tell them Thursday? Do you know you can go that long?" Matthew said his voice breaking.

"No, I mean, what if I finish Thursday? Today is Tuesday, so I would have to get everything in order tomorrow." I said.

"Oh, uhh." Matthew stammered, "You are sure you want to do it? Do YOU want to do it?"

"I promise. It's one hundred percent Lyall that wants to do it." I said, trying to reassure Matthew. "I'm ready for it to be done. But I want to be in control when it happens."

Matthew nodded and stood up. "Well, I guess we need to talk as a group then." I followed Matthew down the stairs and into the living room. Everyone was still sitting around and conversing. I took my seat on the recliner, and Matthew sat next to Jeremy.

Nash broke the conversation to ask, "Everything okay there, Lyall?"

"Feeling great!" I said back. "But I guess I need to tell you guys what's coming. Thursday, I'll be finishing. I don't know the complete logistics of it, but I have to do it soon. I don't know how much longer I can be like this."

The room was quiet for a moment.

"I figured you would want to do it soon." Nash said, "Is there anything you want us to do? Anyone, you need to see before?"

"Tomorrow, could you drive me home? There is only one person I need to see." I asked Nash. He nodded in agreement.

"I knew this talk was coming, still doesn't make it any easier," Rylie said, trying to laugh. "Hard decision to make, harder to go through with it."

It was weird how real it suddenly felt. Maybe I didn't piece it together, but I only had days left as I am. I may have a week if I tried to resist it, but still only a week of worry and anxiety that I could suddenly change. I was fully human only months ago and am mostly an animal now. Much of it is my fault, though. Only at the end did I realize I was causing most of my changes.

The rest of the night was quiet. Very little was said, and everyone seemed down. I went to bed early, realizing my current situation had set in. I knew tomorrow wasn't going to be any easier. Breaking the news to my Mom was not going to be fun. But she needs to know, and I don't want her to hear about it after, like Kole's mother did.

Another night of no dreams. I haven't had one in weeks, and it just seems like I close my eyes, and it's morning. I walked downstairs to the kitchen. Nash and Rylie talked as I walked in, and Nash quickly sat his cup down.

"You ready for this?" He asked.

"I think so," I said, unsure.

He nodded, and we walked out to his car. I climbed in the back, and we left the house towards my childhood home. Tomorrow was the day. I tried to be upbeat about it but couldn't be like Benji. I worried if it would still be me. If I would be in control or if I was going to be overtaken. What if this is just the death of my mind? I tried not to think about it, but it was too hard not to think about what would happen.

We arrived at my house, and Nash parked on the street. He killed the engine and turned back to look at me. "I'll be here. Take as long as you need." Nash said as the side door slowly opened. "Thanks, Nash," I said, climbing out of the car.

Walking up the dirt path to the door, I wanted to turn around and leave. I reached the stairs and slowly climbed up them and to the door. I went to knock only to remember my hands, and I reached down with my beak and bumped the doorbell. The door opened to reveal my Mom.

"Lyall! I didn't know you were coming by! Come on in." She said, standing aside. I walked in, and she looked confused at my arms. The moment my talons first contacted the wood flooring, she looked down. "Oh, honey, what happened?"

"I had a few changes this week," I said, trying to sound confident. "That's what I'm here to tell you, though."

She sat down on her couch and watched me intently. Her hands were crossed and shaken a little.

"It's been months since I started changing. We both knew what that meant, though. I'm this far now, and the next step... I decided... After..." I tried to speak but struggled. "Tomorrow, I'll be finishing my changes. I'm sorry it's sudden, but I either do it now, or it happens to me anyway."

"You are going away tomorrow? As in..." She asked, her face looking pale.

"Tomorrow, I'll entirely change into a hawk. I'm sorry it's sudden, but I don't have much of a choice now." I said, trying to stay calm.

"Will I be able to see you after? Where will you be living?" She asked, sounding worried.

"Maybe. I am finishing at the walking field on the east side of town." I said, "I decided I don't want to live in captivity, and I'd rather be a hawk than a display piece."

She stood up and paced around a bit. I could tell she was breathing quickly and was anxious. I walked toward her and tried to comfort her.

"Mom. I'm going to be okay. I'm ready for this." I said, half lying to her. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go at this point.

"I'm not ready for you to go. How am I supposed just to take my son telling me he's becoming a bloody bird tomorrow?" She roared.

"I wish I could stop it. But If I don't do it tomorrow, I'll be forced to change. I would rather do it myself than be forced to do it." I said, trying to explain.

We talked more about it for the next hour, and I explained what the doctor had told me. I told her that I had depended on others since my wings formed. I offered for her to be there when I finished, but after some thought, she decided it would be best if she stayed home. I told her I understood, and she hugged me.

"I'll come to visit. But you have to promise me you'll come to find me," she said, squeezing me.

"I promise I will. I'll be there," I said quietly.

I left the house and met Nash in the car. While climbing into the van, Nash asked, "How did it go?"

"Started it out rough, but I think it went alright, all things considered," I said, sighing.

We drove back to the house and the clock already read 1 PM. Less than twenty-four hours until I would finish. We walked into the house and found everyone getting ready for dinner. Rylie and Matthew decided to have a going-away-style celebration to raise the house's morale. It seemed funny, but it made sense to me.

After dinner, we sat and talked about things we had all done together. Similar to what we had done for Benji. It was fun to remember the weird stuff that happened. My trip with Jeremy still had its many secrets, though. Although my time at the house was short, I was glad I had some others to relate with during my changes. But I did have one request.

"Guys, can you promise me one thing?" I asked, "The name of the house is Avian Associates, and I'm sorry, but I could never take that seriously."

This got a small laugh from everyone. "It's just always been that since Darren named it. But maybe a new name would be a little better." Matthew said.

"Just call it the Bird House," I suggested. "It's still cheesy, but at least it doesn't share letters with AA."

"Sounds fine with me," Rylie said, laughing.

It was getting late, and slowly, everyone broke off to sleep. Eventually, it was just Jeremy and me sitting alone. The clock read 11:47 PM, and I was feeling tired.

"Jeremy, are we still keeping what happened at the hotel a secret?" I asked.

Jeremy nodded and laughed in his weird, rattly laugh. He ran his hand across his beak like a zipper.

"Good, I don't know if I can ever live that down," I laughed.

We both went to bed. Laying in my bed, I tried to ignore what was coming, but I knew it was only hours until I would finish my changes and this whole ordeal would be over. I closed my eyes, and it was daytime when they opened.

7 AM

Five hours later, I would be finished.