Once upon a time, in a large continent called Long-Hua, there lived a prodigy who worshipped a very established sect. This prodigy’s name was Ye Xingli, and like many prodigies in the cultivation world who had boundless fighting talent, he could sweep mountains flat with just a flick of his sword.
Ye Xingli looked like a shining star. He was tall, well-built, had a wonderfully defined six-pack and was very handsome in a heroic, manly way. There wasn’t anyone who wouldn’t feel wonder when catching sight of him.
Unfortunately for everyone else, however, he also had terrible manners. Sometimes he would bully his martial brothers in the sect; at other times he would chase people out of inns and restaurants for fun. Whoever looked weaker than him he picked on, and whoever who looked strong enough he picked a fight with. It seemed as if his face and strength were his only saving grace.
However, as he was the type of prodigy who only appeared once in a millennium, nobody dared to punish him too severely. The grandmaster favoured Ye Xingli, who seemed to have extremely good luck and was able to secure many good encounters for the sect. Therefore, as the years passed, Ye Xingli only grew haughtier as he grew more powerful.
On one particularly hot and sunny summer’s day, Ye Xingli and a few martial brothers from his sect were sent down the immortal mountains with their master for an errand. When they reached the town they were supposed to spend a night in, they discovered that the inns were all fully-booked.
Flying into a rage, Ye Xingli stormed into one of the inns. He caught hold of the innkeeper and shook him hard.
“Empty the rooms and make everyone get out!” he demanded. “I’ll flatten your inn if you don’t!”
As if in warning, he flung the frightened innkeeper at a nearby servant who happened to be passing by. Upon seeing this, Ye Xingli’s sect-appointed master, Ye Qingying, ran towards them. Catching the innkeeper right before he hit the servant, the sword master sighed deeply and shook his head.
“Xingli, don’t do such unkind things to others,” admonished Ye Qingying. “One day your nipples will drop off!”
Ye Xingli stared at his master in surprise, forgetting his temper for a moment. Whoever had ever heard of losing their nipples from bullying others? Poisoned or stabbed in the back by someone who hated you, perhaps, but losing your nipples? Really?
“How on earth does one lose their nipples?” countered Ye Xingli with a sneer. “Master, I know you want to scare me into behaving myself, but don’t spout rubbish. You may be a millennium old, but you’re not senile yet!”
Again, Ye Qingying sighed deeply. His long ponytail was as white as snow. Although cultivators like himself could live thousands of years unblemished by age and he still looked like someone in his mid-twenties, every day he kept feeling a wrinkle coming on his pretty face.
Ye Xingli was a handful – every sword master in the immortal mountains knew it. When the young newcomer first entered the sect, nobody wanted to take him in as a personal disciple, not even the poorest sword master. After the grandmaster forced them to make a decision, they ended up drawing lots to determine who the unlucky fellow would be. Ye Qingying just happened to draw the shortest one.
“You know, I might just go senile if I had you as my disciple for another year,” said Ye Qingying, crossing his arms. Turning to the innkeeper and servant, he smiled helplessly and apologized. “I’m so sorry for that. My disciple’s still young and foolish – I’ll rebuke him. Good night; we’ll see ourselves out.”
“Hmph!” Ye Xingli grunted, but he allowed himself to be ushered out by his master anyway. After all that was said and done, although the sect was afraid to punish Ye Xingli, Ye Qingying was still several realms higher than him and could subdue him easily. He wasn’t an immortal sword master for nothing.
Just as the group stepped outside, they heard a voice call out to them.
“Immortal masters, please spare a minute,” called the servant, who had hurried out of the inn after them. Ye Qingying turned to him and smiled.
“What is it?” he asked kindly.
“I heard that you couldn’t find any lodgings for the night,” said the servant, bowing as he cast an eye at the handsome Ye Xingli. “Although the season is hot and there won’t be any rain, I feel it won’t do for you to have to stay outdoors without a roof over your heads. My shift at work is over and I’m headed home. Even if my house is small and I live with my grandfather, I hope you won’t mind spending the night with us.”
Ye Qingying took one look at the earnest, warm eyes of the servant and took a liking to him almost immediately. Ah, if only his own disciple could be a little bit like that! Perhaps spending the night with this young man could encourage Ye Xingli to learn some manners. With that in mind, Ye Qingying happily nodded and soon the small party made their way down the hill to the little shack below.
The stars lit up the summer night. The crickets chirped loudly and the frogs croaked even louder. As the group settled down in the main hall of the shack, the servant went outside to draw them some cool water from the well to drink.
“He’s so nice to us even though he’d been treated like that,” whispered one of the cultivators to another. “Darn that Xingli! He’s always giving us a bad name. We’re so lucky to have met this fellow, otherwise we’d be lying around outside with no one daring to let us in.”
Upon hearing this, Ye Xingli rolled his eyes and left the shack. Deciding not to stop him, his master simply let him leave with a sigh.
When the servant returned, he was slightly disappointed to see that Ye Xingli was not around. Nonetheless, he gave everyone some water to drink. Feeling refreshed, the cultivators thanked him.
“What’s your name?” asked Ye Qingying.
“I’m An Taiyang,” replied the servant, smiling back. “Immortal cultivator, don’t mind me. I’m just thankful that you saved me, that’s all.”
“Don’t mention it!” grinned Ye Qingying, waving a hand casually. “I’m glad you didn’t hold anything against us. Xingli, that boy, he’s definitely a handful. He waltzed into our sect when he was only thirteen years old, but even then he’d already had a pretty bad reputation. I try not to spoil him, really, but it hasn’t been easy. He’s lucky he’s only ever crossed the more harmless types of people so far. The same cannot be said if he crosses the Immortal Sword Saint.”
“The Immortal Sword Saint?” An Taiyang echoed, looking curious.
“Hmm, let’s see…” Ye Qingying rubbed his chin, “I’m not surprised that you’ve never heard of him. He’s an elusive fellow, even in the cultivation world. The reason for this is that he’s a recluse who lives in the snowy ridges of the mountains. He does the weirdest things, really.”
“What weird things?” one of the disciples crawled over, excited to hear the story. Simultaneously, the other disciples also crawled over.
Ye Qingying grinned at his disciples. He did love to gossip!
“Well, for one, he’s the origin of the saying that if you misbehaved, your nipples would drop off,” said Ye Qingying, lifting a finger as if he were giving a sermon. “Besides completely crippling sects which have offended him, he’s been known to cultivate strange abilities, and uses these unorthodox methods to teach people a lesson. Sometimes he even uses them on himself. He drinks and drinks tea all the time, for example, but never goes to the toilet. Everyone says he refines it secretly, which is how he keeps his skin plump and supple all the time. It’s why he still looks like an adolescent boy although he’s over ten thousand years old.”
“That’s weird!”
“I know, right?” said Ye Qingying, straightening up and gesturing with his hands energetically. “I’ve spent years trying to learn that technique, with no luck… ahem, anyway, the most popular story is that he took a frog in as his disciple.”
“Oh, I’ve heard that one,” said one disciple. “I’ve also heard that he’s started leaving the mountains to follow his disciple around for excursions lately. His disciple’s a frog, so they tend to visit towns with lakes in them.”
“The Lake Flower Festival in this town is pretty famous,” An Taiyang suggested. “The townsfolk will float lanterns on our biggest lake. Even at night, the lake will be lit as brightly as daytime!”
“That sounds wonderful!” Ye Qingying looked at him eagerly. “When will it be held?”
“Tomorrow night,” replied An Taiyang. “That’s why all the inns are full tonight, you see.”
“So there’s a high probability that the Immortal Sword Saint will be in this town tonight, right? What are the chances that they’ll bump into each other?” laughed one of the disciples. One by one, the other disciples, including their master, followed suit and started giggling nervously.
Then they fell silent and stared at each other.
“XINGLI!!!”
~*~
Ye Xingli stared at doorway of the inn, gritting his teeth.
One of the reasons Ye Xingli didn’t want to stay in the shack was because it was extremely shabby. As an immortal cultivator, he felt that he was more suited to a comfortable inn. Therefore, he’d gone out to look for one in hopes of bartering a room off somebody – then he’d meet up with his master and the others in the group the next morning after a good night’s rest.
Strangely enough, Ye Xingli found himself back in front of the inn they’d left earlier that evening. Although he’d picked it randomly at first, he’d somehow ended up going back to it. He walked in haughtily and looked for the innkeeper. However, the man was nowhere to be found.
Ye Xingli glanced around. Suddenly, he spotted a young boy at a table drinking some tea alone.
“You there!” he barked at the boy. “Where’s the innkeeper?”
“Toilet,” replied the boy, sipping his tea nonchalantly.
Ye Xingli didn’t like the boy’s indifferent tone. Couldn’t the brat see that he was a mighty cultivator? Feeling annoyed, he walked towards the table. Suddenly, a wicked idea came to his mind.
“Say, you wouldn’t happen to be staying overnight at this inn, would you?” asked Ye Xingli. It was late but the boy was hanging around as if his parents were nearby.
“Yes,” said the boy, still nursing his cup of tea.
Ye Xingli’s eyes gleamed. He could catch this brat and force his parents to vacate their room in exchange for his return!
“Come here!” Ye Xingli pounced at the boy, but the boy was surprisingly deft and avoided him nimbly. The boy tossed his cup upwards as he jumped backwards, his pristine white robes making him look like a flurry of snow as he landed on the arm of a nearby chair.
“What are you doing?” asked the boy curiously, catching his cup, tea intact.
“I want a room to stay the night in,” said Ye Xingli simply. “And your parents are going to give it to me!”
“They can’t; they’re at home,” replied the boy. “And I can’t give you my room. I’ve booked it for my disci—”
Ye Xingli didn’t allow the boy to finish. He moved quickly and decisively. One lunge more and that room would be his!
To his surprise, the boy didn’t duck. Instead, he flew at Ye Xingli like a flurry of white snow. Ye Xingli saw a flash of silvery white – immediately he felt two hands strike at two points on his chest, pulling hard.
“Ugh!” Ye Xingli shouted and jumped backwards despite himself. It was strange because the sensation he felt wasn’t particularly painful, just odd, like a strip of spirituality leaving his body. The young man couldn’t put a finger in it – he only knew that he suddenly felt a sense of incredible danger, and that everything in him at that moment had screamed at him to run away.
The boy raised the palm of his free hand. “Which sect…”
“Xingli!” Ye Qingying suddenly burst in between the two feuding people. “What are you doing? Apologize at once!”
“Why should I apologize to this brat?” Ye Xingli scoffed.
“Bra—? You!” Ye Qingying snapped his gaze at him. “Do you even know who you’ve just offended? If I’d come in any later, you’d have…”
Ye Qingying breathed deeply and clenched his teeth tightly together. “Anyway, just apologize already.”
“So he’s your disciple,” said the boy slowly, lowering his palm to sip from his teacup. “Young man, you should teach your younger generation some manners.”
“I’m deeply sorry!” To Ye Xingli’s great surprise, he saw his own master bow deeply to the boy. Just who was this person?
“Well, never mind it,” replied the boy, returning to his seat and scratching his backside disinterestedly like an old man. “I got sore sitting anyway. You may leave.”
“Yes, sir! Many thanks!” Ye Qingying hurriedly pushed his errant disciple out. They were lucky to get away in one piece!
As the two walked back to the shack, Ye Xingli studied the back of his ashen-faced master. The man before him was a powerhouse cultivator – yet what he showed wasn’t the politeness and gentleness he’d often showed to mortals, rather a reverent and terrified expression most cultivators showed to senior powerhouses of much higher realms. It was strange – Ye Xingli hadn’t felt any spiritual aura coming from the boy. Yet, even now his master was still shivering.
“Master?”
“Don’t talk to me,” Ye Qingying raised a trembling hand. “Xingli, if I ever catch you getting into trouble like that again, I’m not going to let you off so easily even if our grandmaster likes you. You’re wearing our sect uniform – don’t forget who you’re implicating by angering the wrong people.”
Ye Xingli swallowed hard. He’d often showed his master disrespect and talked back, but the tone Ye Qingying used sounded so serious that he wasn’t able to find any words. Silently, he returned to the shack and shut his eyes, sleeping until morning.
When morning came, Ye Xingli got up and stretched. Upon looking outside the window, he was greeted by An Taiyang’s warm and reassuring smile.
“You can go to the inn to get some breakfast,” informed the servant. “It shouldn’t be too packed yet. I’m off first to get to work – feel free to drop by with everyone.”
With that, An Taiyang shot off towards the inn. Ye Xingli joined his sect brothers in changing clothes. It was then when they noticed something off about Ye Xingli’s body.
“Xingli,” called one of the disciples suddenly.
“What?”
“Where are your nipples?”
Ye Xingli paused. He looked down slowly.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”
The howl could not be said to be made by either man or ghost. It shook the eaves of the house and even An Taiyang’s nearly-deaf grandfather could hear something very clearly for the first time after many years. However, more inhuman than the howl were the bald, smooth spots where two good-looking nipples should originally have been and Ye Xingli’s martial brothers’ unconcerned remarks upon seeing them missing.
“So you really can lose your nipples, huh?” observed one disciple.
“Xingli, did you really meet the Immortal Sword Saint? Is he as adorable as the rumours say?”
“Wow, look at how smooth your chest is now! Completely like a bald egg, amazing!”
“Shhh! Master is coming!”
As if by cue, Ye Qingying stepped in. He stopped short when he saw the bald spots on Ye Xingli’s chest.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”
Ye Qingying’s howl was longer and more inhuman-sounding than Ye Xingli’s initial one. The disciples all stared at him in shock.
“Master, what’s wrong?” asked one of the senior disciples. “Xingli’s the one who’s lost his nipples. Why are you the one who sounds more distressed?”
“It’s no laughing matter!” Ye Qingying stomped his foot and roared, tears in his eyes. He looked like he was about to faint in anger. “Xingli, I’d promised our grandmaster and the grandmasters of the other sects to send you over to the Divine Crystal Springs for spiritual tempering. How will you go into the water now without your nipples? Aiyah! Xingli ah, my hair’s already so white, what else on my body do you want to turn white!?”
The disciples looked at each other. This was news! The Divine Crystal Springs only opened once every three hundred years. If Ye Xingli was invited, he had to go, obviously – but if he took off his robes and showed the world that he had no nipples, their sect would become the laughingstock of the immortal cultivation world!
As Ye Xingli’s master, Ye Qingying bore the brunt of it all.
“I’ve warned you over and over again!” wept poor Ye Qingying, stomping his feet. “I told you not to pick fights or bully others. Now your nipples are truly gone!”
“Well, today’s the Lake Flower Festival, isn’t it?” said one of the disciples suddenly. “I’m pretty sure the Immortal Sword Saint’s still around. Why don’t we split up and look for him? Perhaps he’ll forgive Xingli and give him his nipples back.”
The cultivators nodded in agreement. They said goodbye to An Taiyang’s confused grandfather and hurried off. After a while, they managed to locate the Immortal Sword Saint sipping tea under a small pavilion over the lake.
Sitting with the Immortal Sword Saint was a handsome young man clad in green. He smiled at the group as they approached.
“How can we help you?” asked the young man. At this, Ye Qingying dragged his wayward disciple forward and bowed deeply.
“My disciple here has offended the Immortal Sword Saint,” pleaded Ye Qingying. “We can only humbly request that the Immortal Sword Saint show some compassion and return him his nipples.”
The young man’s eyes went as round as dinner plates. “Return his…?” He turned to look at the boy. “Master…?”
“I don’t have them,” came the Immortal Sword Saint’s nonchalant reply, as if he were ignoring his disciple’s inquiry.
“What?” Ye Qingying and Ye Xingli were shocked.
“I didn’t take them with me,” answered the boy. “I don’t know where they are. Anyway, if it’s just nipples, you can get them from anywhere. Since you’ve already apologized, I’ll stick some on for you.”
Ye Xingli went white. The young man in green’s eyes remained just as round.
“What do you mean?” asked Ye Qingying.
“You’ll just have to look for some replacement nipples,” explained the Immortal Sword Saint patiently. “Any two nipples will do. I can take them off from someone or something else and give them to your disciple. Don’t worry, it’s just like transferring qi.”
“It’s not just like transferring qi!” wailed poor Ye Xingli. “It’s my nipples we’re talking about! My nipples!”
Alas, there was nothing else they could do. The Immortal Sword Saint couldn’t be bothered whether they were really Ye Xingli’s nipples or not – he only offered to reattach them. The young man in green felt sorry for them, so he spoke to his master directly.
“Master, I feel sorry for them,” said the young man. “Can’t we at least help them look for a suitable pair?”
“Do as you please,” said the boy, hopping off his seat to follow the group to hunt for a suitable pair of nipples. Presently, after some time of walking, he rested his eyes on a lush little green farm.
“That cow over there is no longer producing milk,” informed the Immortal Sword Saint, pointing at an old cow. “You can use two of her teats, if you like. She doesn’t need them anymore.”
“Moo,” said the cow generously.
Ye Xingli looked at the wrinkled, long teats in terror. Oh dear!
“I don’t know if they’ll look good on him,” muttered Ye Qingying, rubbing his chin. “Xingli ah, come and stand here next to the cow. Pull down your robe’s top so we can see what it looks like against you.”
His tone was like that of a mother shopping for her children’s clothes. Ye Xingli’s martial brothers stifled loud snorts as they watched their master ‘try on’ the cow’s teats against Ye Xingli’s chest.
“Nah, doesn’t look good,” sniffed Ye Qingying, shaking his head. “I’m thinking of something a little more… pshhhooom-wooow. You know, something more suited for the Divine Crystal Springs.”
The Immortal Sword Saint nodded and brought up two teacups against Ye Xingli’s chest.
“What about these, then?” he suggested. “Your disciple can also drink tea from the cups while cultivating in the springs. Crystal spring water makes for very good tea, you know.”
“Eeeeeh, but the cups are a bit plain…”
“I have nicer ones at my current lodgings,” the Sword Saint offered. “Come to the inn with me.”
“Many thanks,” Ye Qingying bowed gratefully. Without further debate, he signalled for his disciples to follow along.
With a dejected face, the humbled and beaten Ye Xingli had no choice but to follow the group to the inn to get a set of teacups as his new nipples. As he stepped over the threshold, he noticed a pair of warm eyes looking at them.
“Immortal masters, please wait!” called An Taiyang, running up to them. “I found these. I hope you don’t mind taking a look to see if they’re yours.”
An Taiyang lifted a bundle covered with rough cloth. Unwrapping it, he took out two peach-coloured, supple round objects.
“My nipples!” Ye Xingli recognized them at once. He rushed over to An Taiyang, overjoyed, clasping his hands over the servant’s. “Where did you find them?”
“I came in early today to tidy up and found them at the dining area,” said the servant, flushing with delight that the tall and handsome Ye Xingli had talked to him. “They were under a table. I thought they might belong to you, so I kept them just in case.”
“Well, they are indeed his,” Ye Qingying sighed in relief. “That’s great! Immortal Sword Saint, if you don’t mind, could you please reattach my disciple’s nipples?”
“I don’t mind,” answered the Immortal Sword Saint. “Are you really sure you don’t want the teacups, though? They look much better, in my opinion.”
“Master, please reattach them,” interrupted the young man in green quickly. “After this, let’s go to Willow Pavilion for lunch.”
“Alright,” said the Immortal Sword Saint. Picking up the two supple round things, he swung his palms to press hard at Ye Xingli’s chest. There was a flash of white and hey presto! The two nipples were properly attached to the young man’s chest again. Ye Xingli stared down at them proudly.
“They do look perfect on you!” said An Taiyang admiringly. “I just knew they were yours!”
“Thank you so much for everything,” Ye Xingli held his hands gratefully. “I’m so sorry to have treated you so poorly before. I’m a changed man now – I do hope you’ll give me another chance at getting to know you.”
“Gladly!” said An Taiyang, holding his hands back warmly. Ye Qingying smiled over the two and draped his arms around his disciples’ shoulders.
“All’s well that ends well!” he chirped – and so he was right!
I laughed so hard that my stomach is hurting!
Hehe! Joy to my ears!
Should’ve taken the teacups