One 

Two 

Three

Four.

I exhaled out loud the air in my lungs. I breathe in fresh ones, but still, this suffocating sensation never left my chest.

Five 

Six

Seven

Eight

Trembling, Shaking, Panicking, Hoping.

How hard is it to just call for him?

Nine.

Telling him-

Ten.

That I like him?

" Are you okay?"

Before I could call him out, he turned around and faced me.

His deep voice. His tall and slender build. His every being,

Etched into my soul.

I've lost count on how many times I've repeated these numbers in my head.

I've counted, hesitated, counted, and hesitated, and hesitated, and hesitated, until...

"I like you"

I finally said with a satirical smile, directed at myself.

I found my courage, though with the help of alcohol, with the help of my friends who already knew, and finally told him,

"For 8 years already, I like you", I added, with a tone as if making a joke at the situation.

But reality speaks: the situation isn't a joke.

He seemed suprised at my revelation,but, not as suprised as I imagined.

"...I know"

Of course he would. I was very obvious in my actions.

The room stayed silent after he said it. The room was brightly lit, but his face was shadowed.

What is he currently feeling right now?

Confused? Concerned? or Disgusted? 

I chuckled. 

"Now that I've said my concerns, should we continue with the game?"

The others seemingly went confused for a while. They were probably waiting for an answer from that guy, but, I never wanted him to give me an answer.

I never want to hear such hurtful answer.

It's enough for me to tell him all my pent up and bottled up feelings.

The others might have guessed what I meant when I continued the game.

The game continued until midnight. It was really late. Probably by now, cabs and such would become unavailable the longer they stay.

The guys started to pack up while the girls were starting to set up the bed for a sleepover.

He slung his bag in his shoulder, put up his coat, and stared at the door.

Woobling, I went towards him, poked his side and said,

" Can you do me a favour?"

He seemed hesitant. He stared at me, but I gave him a playful smile, looking all aloof and energetic just like before.

"...what is it?"

Speading my arms wide like an eagle's wing, I thumphed my chest, grinned, and said in a voice, opposite to my very action,

"Could you reject me?"

The others were shocked, never expecting my so called favor would be a personal rejection from him.

Him too.

He was flustered, not knowing how to do it. He was kind of cute in the situation.

"W-wwwhat the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

I was kind of amused. This whole confession thingy turned into somewhat comedic, and I was okay with that.

As long as I can put a stop on it. This feeling.

As I was about to tell him to just repeat what he said about me being 'like-a-sister', I can accept it, as long as it came out of his mouth.

"Can you please take this seriously?"

From the corner of the room, the girl who was sniffling said with a hoarse voice. She glared at his direction whilst rubbing her already reddish nose.

"Don't you know how hard was it for her to say that? All this time, she was carefully thinking about what to say for years already! Don't just go fuck over her feelings and step all over it!"

This girl, while actually a little wild, have a soft spot for her friends in her heart. Maybe this was the reason why,

He fell for her instead of me.

He fell for a friend who was with him for a couple of years, than me who was by his side since he was 8.

Did I feel bitter about it? I would be lying if I said I don't.

But, too bad, I'm not one of the bitchy yandere type who wants to monopolize him out of sheer jealousy.

Its his happiness and mine. If forced, then that would spell the end of not only my friendship, but my everything with him.

Cowardly, I would describe myself.

A fitting word for someone like me.

Silence pervaded the room again. I was smiling, but deep inside, that mask I made was slowly cracking, making my insecurities present for a brief moment.

How long will this go on? Will I-,no, will we really not get closure on this? 

" Two months ago, you said that she 'is like a sister' to you?"

The calm one who was listening in the corner spoke coldly. She knew how much I waited for this day, since my previous attempts got me nowhere. I was never able to got a chance to say it. Atleast now that I got my  courage in place, she must've felt proud of me, but at the same time,

Pity.

A pity indeed.

She got up, and walked towards him, her glare getting colder. Close, then closer. She never took her eyes off him, but her cold gaze penetrated his soul, caused him to shiver, not from the coldness, but because of the burning fury in her eyes.

" Then, why are you hesitating? Isn't saying no very easy? Do you think this is all just a joke? I know that you already know about how she feels about you. Didn't you want to stop it already because you only see her as a friend? Didn't you say so yourself?! Stop hesitating already and reject her while she still have the resolve to bring you closure even if it is painful in her part!"

He looked at my direction whike giving me  a complicated gaze. I know what he wanted ti say already,

'I'm sorry'

Stop pitying me already.

Stop giving me that look.

Stop shaking my resolve to kill my love for you.

Stop it already.

I'm tired.

I'm tired.

I had enough.

Let me go already.

"P-please", I tried to sound nonchalant, but my craked voice betrayed me. My face started to twist itself to form a smile,

Just to hide my falling tears

My face got distorted, nevermind, I laughed it out loud.

He looked at me, a little bit hurtful and awkward, and said

"I'm sorry"

I only stood there frozen, with a plastic smile plastered on my face.

One

Two

Three.

He turned his back from me and started walking towards the door.

Just like how he turned his back from my emotions.

Four

Five

Six.

I told myself it was fine, but deep in my heart, I kept on hoping that he will turn back again to look at me.

I kept on hoping that we were mutual, but

Seven

He turned the knob and flung open the door, never even once turning around to look at me.

His whole aura radiating a meaningful message for me

Eight

I hear something cracking, little by little.

Nine

It was my heart, breaking at an alarming rate as he gradually walked away from me.

My little embers of hope, dying away from his coldness.

Ten.

The door closed with a soft sound of a chime, at the same time

My strong yet fragile heart finally gave in

And broke into tiny little pieces.

My fake smile was still plastered, but I can't help but twitch my face.

I wonder how I look like right now.

'Too miserable, and too ugly to be seen'

That's how I would describe the expression I currently have.

The door closed, his footsteps slowly dissapearing as he walked further away from me.

Reality hits, and then the sound of something breaking then falling, the feeling of something dying and crying welled up inside of me.

And, it was at this moment, that my first love that lasted for eight years,

ended.