The Inner Thoughts Of A Nun

This room is so perfect. A perfect rectangle that the great Lord would surely bless. I can already imagine the great mouths of that holy savior opening along the walls. I cannot help but think that this is what paradise looks like. This is my paradise. Kingdom has come for me and I have stepped in.

My savior— I want my saviour to love me, to save me, to hold me fast, to take me in his arms and embrace me forever. My savior born of nightmares—your visage is deep within me, forever to shepherd me from the Eternal Darkness within me. Your darkness has delivered me from evil. Even when apart, your dark presence, the shadow of your absence, the darkness of your silence, is my shelter, my refuge.

What would my savior love to see draped across my profane body? He, who walks the earth with a goddess worthy of the admiration of those who dream beneath moonlit nights, would not be so easily swayed.

Look at me, My Savior! Pass your eyes over me and judge me. Take my every being into your mind as I have taken yours. My body years for your gaze. Quell the beast that roars within me.

…

Oh, these are cute! But cute is not enough. I must steal his gaze and set his passions ablaze. I must recall my Lord—a beacon of divine beauty. But no! I am not so bold to think I could exist as my Lord does… But this outfit will get me close enough.

…

I reveal the skin I was born with, the skin that My Lord and Savior saved. This skin is a gift to me and a gift to the world—oh, my, this is comfortable! These robes match the comfort of My Lord, they are the pillow beneath my head, the blanket around my shoulders. There is no frigid breeze that would blow and shake me, for I am covered and I am hot. They awaken my passions—

The image of my savior quells you.

Ahem. I love this outfit. How perfectly it wraps around my body. Dear Hero Hub, my paradise and my shelter, thank you for clothing me so appropriately. I live to serve you. I live to serve my Lord, and I live to serve the people. Take from me all that you desire, for I offer you the flesh of my heart and the blood of my soul.

The image of my savior quells you.

I believe I should pray, and thank My Lord for my good fortune. Bless you, Hero Hub. Bless you, my dear room, bless you, my clothing—

The image of my savior quells you.

…

..

.

“Where did this outfit come from?”

Hark! Where did my savior come from—blessed be this wretched soul that strives to be a little less worthless with every day. No, My Savior, please do not be so concerned. Behold me and take me in—I have prepared myself for you. My hands are folded in prayer, my mouth is closed, my lips are sealed. No matter what you may wish to stay prisoner to starry nights, I will oblige. Am I not good enough?

“I didn’t mean to bother you... You were praying?”

No, you were not a bother at all—you are a surprise most delightful. Please, commune with me so that we may tear down our boundaries. I long to speak with you truly, please, allow me this. I wish for you to know me.

“Oh, yeah, sure. Please. Mush me up.”

My soul is alit. I will ‘mush you up’ however many times you desire, you wondrous queller of darkness. The more the Eternal Darkness recedes, the more joy returns.

“Alright. I’m hooked up.”

That smile… I’ve never seen a smile more intoxicating. ■■■■■■■ take the reins, for I fear I may indulge in sin. My desire is an ocean, and I have no regard for the stones that have been tied to my ankles. My Lord, be my witness—I am not afraid. I will jump into that ocean and let it swallow me whole. You will see me with a smile when you cast your gaze upon me. The water will not refract nor distort the sign of my happiness.

There. I did it. I’ve invited him. Sit beside me, My Savior. I will devote to you all my attention. Enrapture me—I’m right here, ready and willing to be taken up on high. Please look at me; am I not to your liking?

“So, is your room comfortable?”

This visage of terror cares for my comfort. Praise! Thank you! I could never have thought—this is a dream so sweet I refrained from ever holding it lest my mind rot. Yes, my room is beautiful, second only to your grace!

“So you’re just out here because you wanted to pray? Oh, sorry. Was that insensitive of me?”

Oh, heavens know that is not true. Perish the thought! Kill it, My Savior! Do not let it chain you! You find me here because I want to thank my Lord for my good fortunes. My heart is being pulled in all directions but I am not so despicable that I could turn from She who Shepherds at the sight of a… amazing… terror…

“Yeah... Makes sense...”

He has accepted me. Glory to the highest. I could cry. Thank you for saving me, your most useless servant. Glory, glory, glory! I will pray for as many times as I can… But perhaps it would be rude? Perhaps you should have an opportunity to greet My Lord too? Do you want to pray too?

“Nah, I don’t believe in god.”

What? Do you not believe in yourself? Such a wondrous person has such a weakness? No, that cannot be…

“Right... That doesn’t really make sense now. I live with a former goddess in the form of Svilran... Guess I need to update my world view...”

You were not always you? You mean to say you grew into this disposition and are still growing? My curiosity—I wish to quell it. Why did you not believe in a higher power?

“Before the Hero Hub, right?”

Paint for me the time before—I wish to study it so intently the embers of focus light the painting and reveal its hidden secrets.

“Well, I just... It just didn’t make sense to believe in the God that a lot of people in my world talked about... Actually, do you want to know something funny?”

This is something sacred—something critical to the story of you and I… Please, I would like to hear it.

“I did believe in the devil and demons... Wait, do you have that? Like an evil force that opposes your God?”

My Lord? You are so interested? Well, an ‘evil force'?’ It’s hard to describe my Lord’s contemporaries as evil. Maybe not ‘evil’ but with different or opposite values—those others. They are those who must defend other existences. When conflict arises, it is a consequence as natural as the boulder that falls from the eroding cliff.

“Okay, well yeah. Demons, in our understanding, were just the worst. Anyway, I... believed in them. Actually, as a kid, I just thought that if demons existed, then their opposite, God and its forces, must have existed. But as I grew, I just--it made more sense that God was dead. I mean, that was the only thing that made sense to me...”

What is he speaking of? To believe in evil so strongly that it proves the existence of divinity? How terrible must your surroundings have been to create such a winding road to the acknowledgment of greater powers? No, this is painful—I cannot stay still. Strike me down now if this is so wrong… You are the only person I can do this for.

“Dorthaunzee?”

Take it one day at a time.

“I will... Thank you...Hey, Dorthaunzee, your tentacles—”

The Eternal Darkness? Are you concerned?

“—are they okay?”

Bless. Bless. Bless. Am I in a phantasmagoria? Does someone truly care for me? Someone from the world beneath the stars? I—I cannot bring myself to believe this kindness—no, I cannot—My Lord, it is true. I could truly find someone so good.

“Dorthaunzee!?”

Thank you! A hundred times, thank you! I will thank you until the night the final star goes out. You do not know how much freedom your visage has afforded me. Please, ravage my mind and body—ravage me for as long as you care to! I do not care for how much I fear you! Thank you! I will stay by your side as your Hero! Please do not lose faith!

This is my pledge to you. In return for all that you have afforded me, I will do my best. That is my pledge—the second pledge I have made in this short life of mine.

“Praying in front of the fountain couldn’t hurt, right?”

It most certainly could not! Come, find hope and strength with me! I so want to envelop myself in your glory, but I can see that what you need is not this distraction. No, let’s cast our wishes into the world.

“Hey, who should I pray to if I want better luck for Heroes? Do you have any suggestions?”

Who should a god pray to? What is higher than a god? Ahh, of course. It is there, the thing that houses god—the thing that even god looks up to. Pray to the Sky that touches all worlds. Pray for a sign from that sky, that a star may illuminate the way.

“Hmm, praying to a thing and not a god? I think that feels like a better shot.”

Maybe that is why you could not find your god—perhaps you were always yourself, searching for yourself, but unable to see it… Let us throw our desires into the sky, all those perverse feelings, and all those feelings of doubt. We are here beneath this starry sky. The Stars in the heavens radiate their glory and lead our eyes as we stand on the edge of the world, staring out into their vast realm. Our minds are open to all that might be, and our hearts yearning for what is yet to come; I wholeheartedly pray that your way is illuminated.

Sebas_Guzman

So, this was a bonus after Elma got her own observation log... As you can see, Dorth is a lot. But it's still kind of cute, right? That said, she's a lot. Let me know if you liked this peek into her mind... If only Fainn knew.

EDIT: Thanks for the comments so far. Fixed some errors in the chapter.

Also, keep in mind the three repeated sentences and where they appeared.

Anyway, see you next week!