Day 167,

I didn’t even reach the edge of the Village before I froze.  I just stood there in a rain so light it could barely be called such, my mind in a feedback loop of what-ifs until someone came up and asked if I was alright.

I lied and said I was fine before turning and walking in a new direction.

This was getting disruptive.  Enough to finally push me to talk to someone.  But who?  Vernon?  Dinner with him the other day was comforting but it didn’t feel right going back to him after having previously brushed off the incident as “just some nature sprite weirdness.”  Pat?  On the one hand, if anyone could give more insight into sprite-related matters it would be him, but on the other hand I really wasn't in a receptive mood for sage wisdom or semi-crpytic half-revelations.

Lin then.

Checked the bracelet.  She was in the Village.

Went to her house.  Knocked.

Huan answered the door.  Asked me what the matter was.

A moment of confusion.

Clarified that this was a social call, not a medical one.  Asked if Lin was home.

He said she was.  I already knew that.

He invited me inside.  I accepted.

He called for Lin.  She came into the room, surprised to see me.

I gave a greeting.  An apology for showing up unannounced.  Asked if we could talk in private.

Her mask went on.  That hurt.  She said of course.  Led me to her room.

Didn’t take in much of the room despite my eyes flitting every direction except the one that would make contact with hers.

She said to take my time.  Must have looked off enough that she was treating me like a patient.  Not what I was hoping for.

Took a breath.

I told her about the incident two weeks ago with the nature sprites.  More detail than I’ve said anywhere outside this journal.  More than I think I told Maiko.

Told her about seeing the sprite again on my way home last week.

Told her I was having trouble making myself go anywhere by myself.

Told her I thought for sure I was going to die or worse that night.  That even though I was technically unharmed aside from being exhausted and a little scraped up from tripping and falling and pushing through brush, I can’t stop thinking about how the next time might be the time it escalates further.  Or if not then, then the time after that.  Or the time after that.

Said that I was resenting myself for that irrational reaction getting in the way of functioning.  I’ve been told that sprites don’t harm except in retaliation, only prank and frighten, and everything I’ve experienced supports that.  And I haven’t done anything to retaliate against.  So I shouldn’t be freezing up like this.

But I am.

Said I just need more time.  I’ll get back to normal eventually.  But I’m not there yet.

Another breath.

I asked her if she’d walk me home.

She put a hand on mine.  Too precise a movement.  Finally spoke.  Said of course she would.  Still that clinical voice.  Still the mask.

I was painful to listen to.  I was hurting my friend by asking for help.  I was hurting her and she was putting on the mask to keep away the pain.

Too late to change course now.

We went back out.

She said something to her father.  Not sure what.  Too numb to process.  By the tone, mask went off to say it though.  Or maybe another layer went on.

Got to the edge of the Village.  Not sure if I hesitated or not before the trees.  No humming from Lin.

Pressed on.

Buildings of the Village out of sight.  Maiko stepped out of the trees.

She’d been waiting for me to walk me back.

I’d kept her waiting.  I’d wasted her time with my hesitation.  I’d troubled Lin and dragged her away from home for nothing.  I’d hurt my friend for nothing.

Smiled as best I could and told Maiko I appreciated her looking out for me.

Can’t remember if they talked much on the way back.  Might have said a word here and there for the appearance of engagement.

Was too busy stuck in another mental loop.  Wasn’t afraid anymore but had replaced panic with anxiety.  Wanted to be comforted but was stuck on how I didn’t deserve it.

Got back to the house.  Snapped me back more alert.  Didn’t even notice we’d made the turnoff from the main road.

Thanked Lin for walking out here with me.  Apologized for the trouble.

She said it was no trouble.  Mask was still up.  Or had it dropped during the walk and only now come back on?

Offered dinner and a spot in the house to spend the night if she didn’t want to make the trip back in the soon-to-be-dark.

She accepted.

Did I pressure her into staying when she didn’t want to by making that offer?  Did she stay as a friend or as keeping watch over yet another patient?  Or was she staying for Maiko, not me?

I was overreacting and overthinking all of this though, and I knew it.  Alas, knowing that doesn’t stop the thoughts.  Just adds an extra layer of frustration at failing to stop them.

I made an effort to be as lucid and functional as possible the rest of the evening.  Maybe if I keep giving the appearance of being better now that I’ve talked about it to someone and received their concern it’ll eventually become true.

Funny, the clarity writing all this down brings.  If only it would stay once I closed the journal.

I can hear Lin and Maiko talking out in the living room, but can’t make out the words.  I hope they’re catching up after not seeing one another in a while and not worrying about me.