[This chapter deals with suicide and verbal abuse from parent(s)/parental figure(s). Some may find that triggering.]
Chapter 1
Seoul, South Korea, Present Day.
An alarm shattered the air, but Nandita wasn't startled. Usually, she would've hit the snooze button and continued sleeping, before waking up again and frantically get ready for the day ahead. But today, Nandita couldn't allow her habit to take control. Today was a special day. Today would be the day to see if Nandita had done enough to achieve her dreams.
She slowly rose from her bed covers; her feet touched the cool, hard floor and made her way to the kitchen. Her head hung low, as she poured herself a cup of coffee. Before sitting down, her mind wandered to the possibilities that today could possess. If she had done well, how different would tomorrow be? Would she finally break this so-called 'curse'? Her heart ached at the thought of that. This 'curse' might not even exist, but the words of her mother weighted the atmosphere around her.
"You wretched child! All you ever do is cause pain and suffering to those around you!"
"Oh God, why must You punish me with this god-forsaken child?!"
"You are truly cursed!"
"You are no daughter of mine! I wish I had never given birth to you!"
It had been years since she heard her mother's voice, but the wounds those words gave her, still felt as fresh as ever. Especially the last sentence. The person who had blessed her with the gift of life had wished she hadn't. The pain a child feels when hearing that is unbearable.
So caught up in her thoughts, she didn't notice a little boy had also woken up and made his way to her. Only when he tugged her clothes, did she realise he was there. His luscious, straight, black hair was styled by his bed. His large, raven eyes were still fighting fatigue and his tiny body was wrapped in his favourite blanket. He yawned and rubbed his eye, before raising both hands; a request to be held.
"Oh sweetie, why are you up so early?" Nandita smiled and fulfilled his demand. She lifted him, allowing him to place his sleepy head on her shoulder. He didn't reply to her; instead, a few light snores followed the silence. Nandita couldn’t help but let out a light chuckle, cautious not to wake him. I guess you knew how important today is.
She decided to continue drinking her coffee and watch the sunrise, with the two-year-old still in her arms. She made her way to the front window in her living room and sat in the red, wooden rocking chair that was placed nearby.
The sky was still dark. Hues of black and navy blue swirled above her. But what was astonishing was the fact that the stars were still out. Bright dots of lights sprinkled themselves throughout the darkness. Before it had all sunken in, the navy and black began to get lighter and become a rich purple. It soon faded into a gentle lilac, which was then met by a soft orange. It danced with the other colours, making them perform into lighter shades of themselves. Eventually, Nandita was met with a pale blue sky and the Sun had finally driven the night away. She sighed at the sight in front of her. It had been a while since she had seen the sunrise. The last time she saw it, Nandita was at home, back in India, with her sister.
Oh, how much she missed home. The city of Seoul was nice, but it wasn't like her home village. She missed the endless fields, where she had to walk through to reach her grandmother's house, carrying mithai with her to distribute among everyone she encountered. She missed the farm animals and how the farmers would allow her to ride along on the wagons that were driven by the cows. But she especially missed the people. She missed the welcoming nature everyone had when they spoke to her. Or how when festive seasons came, everyone was willing to help each other set up. Oh, the whole village parties they had too! They were so much fun! All the men would put in their best kurtas and the women would put on their best salwar kameez or saris and adorn themselves with beautifully designed jewellery; their outfits would colour the streets, with every shade known to man, particularly when they danced. They would have dance and singing competitions between the males and females, the prize usually being the glory of having to win such a competition. The atmosphere is one of the most wonderful things Nandita had ever experienced. It's funny how much things could change over the course of a few years. Although she longed for home, she could never return. She made her choice years ago.
Finally getting up, she went and gently placed the young boy back into his bed. He wriggled under the new environment but still managed to stay asleep. She smiled at him, before kissing him on the cheek. Once she left the room, she made her way back to the kitchen, put the cup back and began making Prashad to offer to God.
But in all honesty, Nandita had stopped praying for a while. She wasn't sure if she had completely lost faith or it was because her prayers were never answered. She was only doing this out of habit and because she desperately needed her wish to come true. Either way, once she had finished, she left some for Eunhyuk, her brother-in-law. He would always want to try some, to see if it was 'suitable for God'. She then made her way to her bedroom and gave it to the small idol that was elegantly decorated, in the corner of her room.
After that, she hesitantly got dressed, unsure if she could handle the day. Neither less, she needed to go to work and make a living. Ideally, she wanted to take the day off, so she could mentally prepare herself; coming up with a solution to every scenario she could think of. But that would've increased her anxiety so much more. Going to work could help distract her. Anyway, it wasn't like she had much of a choice. The person who was in charge of the studio where Nandita worked, had gone on a holiday and had asked her to maintain the studio in his absence.
She wasn't particularly happy with the request but wasn't surprised either. The studio was used for both dance and martial arts; a strange combo. But it was set up by two close friends, who both specialise in those areas. Luckily, Nandita was able to learn the basics in a matter of a year, thus making a total of 3 teachers working in the studio. Although she was still an amateur at best. However, Nandita had proven herself, when one of the teachers had gone on maternity leave. In turn, making Nandita in charge for the next couple of weeks.
She sighed at the thought of the huge workload given to her. But she couldn't dare complain, in fear that she could lose her job. Her bosses were nice, but she couldn't risk anything as she really needed the money. Especially since she was raising a kid and saving up for university, which reminded her...
Nandita shook her head, snapping out of her thought bubble. She had done all she could and couldn't let herself think about it with such a busy day ahead. She had to teach a couple of dance classes and one martial arts lesson. So she began to leave the house and make her way towards the studio.
When she arrived, she went straight to the office. A little, cluttered room near the back of the studio. The room itself was dark, filled with piles of paper, books and trash. She sighed as she realised that she was also meant to clean the office up in the absence of her bosses. Nandita wondered if they purposely left it in that state for her to clean up.
She placed her belongings down, and she began organising the chaos around her. However, she was called away as her first class was about to begin. Her first group were the elderly folks from the neighbourhood, who wanted to stay active, despite their age. In all honesty, it was adorable to partake, as they would all support each other during the routine. It was funny to see them chat about their grandkids as well, stating whose grandchild was better at something than the other. Other than that, they were the nicest folks Nandita had ever met. Always asking how her family were and how she was settling in, as moving to a new country was daunting.
It was actually one of the members, Mr Wang Taeho, that got Nandita her job. He recommended her to the people who became her bosses. Nandita passed him a bottle of water; one of the many ways she could say thank you and repay him. She was so grateful for such a small act of kindness. But a part of her was uncomfortable. The idea of depending on someone would only lead to being in more pain. Nandita knew from experience. She didn’t want to be a burden. She didn't want other people worrying unnecessarily about her. Maybe that's what drove her to continue living, despite everything.
As the class finished, Nandita rushed to fetch the rest of the elders some water. They all thanked her and asked about her family, she would reply before asking about theirs; the usual chit-chat. The morning flew by as Nandita caught up with their lives. As the elders waved goodbyes, she couldn't help but feel a little sad as their backs became smaller in the distance. But she had work to do. There was still time before her next class, so it was probably a good idea to get the office completely sorted.
As she turned to return to the building, a voice called behind her. Nandita couldn't help but grin. She turned around and was met with a smile too big for its face. Her best friend’s face, Bang Jaewook.
“Yo! Nandu!” he exclaimed, before hugging the small girl. “You know, I was looking for you everywhere. Figures that you were here. You’re always working.” He let her go before his face turned sombre. “So, did you find out yet? Did you get your scholarship?”
Nandita’s expression quivered for a second; a dark thought brushed her mind. She shook her head to snap out of it, before smiling at her friend. “No, not yet. I have been busy.” Her pronunciation had gotten better recently, but it was still heavily accented.
“Ya, you’re always so busy. I mean, we never hang out anymore!” he pouted, before playfully hitting her shoulder. “Ay, when you do find out we should go and celebrate—”
“—Celebrate?” It took her a few attempts to repeat the word, her expression full of confusion.
“Ah, celebrate…” his brows furrowed, “Ahhhh, it means...you know...party,” the words were unfamiliar in his mouth as he tried to pronounce everything in English. Nandita found his attempt cute nonetheless. "Uhhh...celebrate! Yes, celebrate!” He snapped his fingers once he found the right word and it brought a smile to her face.
“Ah ok—” she said.
“—Yah, what is this? Are we doing a grammar lesson? Come on now, we’ve finished school!” he said jokingly and a chuckle escaped Nandita’s lips. “You’re still coming, right? It’ll be so much fun! Think about it, we’ve worked so hard lately, it’s only fair we celebrate.” Nandita scrunched up her nose as she listened to Jaewook’s pleas. Even if she wanted to go, it would have to be after her brother-in-law came back from work so someone would be there to take care of Junseo, her two-year-old nephew.
“I am not sure. Someone needs to be home to take care of Junnie,” she answered quietly and Jaewook nodded his head as he heard her case.
“Well, call me and tell me if you can make it. I don’t want to celebrate on my own...” he grumbled.
Nandita giggled before her eyes caught sight of a bunch of kids making their way to the studio. “Hai Rabba! I’m going to be late!” she exclaimed. “I have to go, I have another class. I will talk to you later,” she explained and she swiftly left.
“Wait!”
Nandita spun around. Without warning, Jaewook grabbed her hand, placing something inside her palm. “Just in case I can’t see you tonight,” he said, a soft blush danced across his cheeks.
Startled, Nandita opened her fist and saw a small silver sphere. A key chain. As she brought it closer to inspect, she saw it had an engraving of two birds, cuddling each other, surrounded by a field of flowers. Directly opposite the chain, laid a beautiful jade gem at the bottom of the sphere. Awe welled up inside Nandita’s chest, making her heart flutter, as she was taken aback by the gesture. She tore her gaze away from the gorgeous object to meet Jaewook’s eyes.
“This is beautiful,” she finally let out. Jaewook beamed at her reaction, his face becoming redder. Her eyes drifted back to the key ring. “Why are you giving this to me?”
“Well, I was gonna give it later today, but if you can’t make it...” he trailed off, shuffling his feet. “They're supposed to be cranes—”
—Choirs of voices became louder as Nandita’s class approached closer. Nandita glanced behind. She wanted to continue this conversation but she had work to do. She let out a sigh in frustration. “Go,” Jaewook said. Nandita gave him a confused look, before sharing a soft smile as a 'thank you.' She turned and started to head towards her class. “But Nandu,” he said, “let me know if you’re coming!”
“I will!” Nandita replied, now jogging away.
“Also, let me know what your results were!” Jaewook called back but Nandita was already too far away to hear him. The chorus of children surrounded the air, despite Jaewook being left all on his own. But he didn't mind. His face was still pink from his interaction. His heart was pounding. A smile appeared on his face.
“That girl,” he chuckled to himself, “will be the death of me.”
~~~
Nandita collapsed on the chair, exhausted from teaching all day. Her stomach grumbled loudly, reminding her that she was so busy, she didn’t have time to eat. But in all honesty, Nandita didn’t care. The busy day allowed her not to think about her future. But she couldn’t run away forever. She needed to find out if she had done enough to grant her a scholarship for her university course, which would pay for all her tuition.
The test she undertook was different from her peers, due to complications with her VISA. The university was kind enough to let her apply as long as she took the TOPIK test under advanced level, which tests proficiency in Korean from non-native speakers. All Nandita had to do was get a score of 5 or above. Nandita’s heart accelerated the more she thought about it. She had to find out now.
The sun had decided to hide behind some clouds, afraid of the possible outcome, as she turned the crusty, old computer on in the now de-cluttered office. Her stomach began to do somersaults, which was accompanied by her dry mouth. She began to type in her login details, her heart racing as her fingers grazed each key on the keyboard. She clicked enter. Then followed the instructions to where her exam results would be. The page went blank, followed by the humming of the computer, making the waiting unbearable. But eventually, the screen began to load, slowly descending as it showed Nandita her fate. As it did, Nandita held her breath and closed her eyes, reciting quick prayers as the screen was loading.
The whole world fell silent as the screen had finally loaded. Nandita’s eyes traced the words on the screen, her heart warmed for the first time in so long. Tears welled in Nandita’s eyes, her expression in utter disbelief. She did it. She finally did it. She got the grade she needed. She passed her exams. She changed her fate and finally broke the curse.
“Dee, are you seeing this? Things are finally turning out for the better.” Nandita looked to the ceiling, as she thought about her older sister, Jeevita. “I hope you can rest in peace a little easier now. I’m going to be ok now.”
Tears gently rolling down her cheeks. Both from her hard work paying off and the fact that she missed her sister, who should have been here celebrating this achievement with Nandita. But you can’t change the past, no matter how hard you tried. However, that does not mean you can’t change the future. Nandita was proof of that. And for the first time, hope began to spring into Nandita’s existence.
She sprung up from her seat. She had to run home and tell Eunhyuk. Nandita could imagine his face; the sheer joy and relief plastered all over him was a sight to see! Before she could move, her phone began to ring, snapping Nandita out of her thoughts.
Nandita’s expression lit up with the screen, as the caller ID read “Jaewookie." A smile began to widen across her face. Jaewook had always been the one teasing her but this time Nandita would have the last laugh. She cleared her throat and took on a more stoic presence before hitting the answer button.
“Hello?”
“Hello.” Nandita tried her best to hide the joy in her voice. A moment or two passed, before Jaewook screamed, “Ahhhh, stop being awkward and tell me! Did you make it or not?” Nandita tried to contain her giggles.
“Well…” She sighed, knowing that prolonging everything would drive Jaewook insane. “I guess, I need to find a babysitter.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean if we are going to celebrate…” She pronounced the word celebrate carefully, like the way she heard Jaewook say it earlier today. “Ya, stop talking so weirdly...wait, did you say celebrate? As in, we are both celebrating?” and just like that, the penny dropped. Followed by incoherent screaming.
Nandita couldn’t help but laugh at Jaewook’s reaction. “We’re both going to university!” he squealed.
“Yes, we are!” Nandita sniffled. She hadn’t realised she had been crying.
“Ya, are you crying?” concerned laced his voice.
“Well, of course. My dream just came true. You’d be crying too if something similar happened to you,” she said, wiping away her tears.
“Ah ok,” he chuckled, “How about I pick you up in an hour?”
“Sounds great, I’ll see you then.” Nandita hung up the phone.
With a spring in her step, Nandita began to close up the studio and skipped her way through the streets. Joy bubbled up inside her as she couldn’t wait to tell Eunhyuk. Oh, how relieved he would be! Nandita couldn’t help but hum a tune as she made her way to the nursery, where Junseo would be. As she made her way to the front door, which was open already. Nandita heard a voice call out from beyond the doorway. “Maasi!” a slight lisp accented the words as Junseo ran up and greeted her with his usual hug. Nandita reciprocated the hug, letting out a chuckle in the process.
She thanked the people at the facility as they both made their way home. Junseo picked up on Nandita’s good mood and began to skip alongside her. He began to sing some nursery songs that he had been taught at the nursery and Nandita hummed along with him. In no time, they reached home.
The house was dark and their footsteps echoed throughout the hallway. They both began to settle down; Junseo rushed over to the TV and Nandita to the kitchen to make a snack. As Nandita began to set up, she glimpsed at the pile of envelopes on the kitchen counter. A sigh escaped her lips. Great. More bills… She thought as she sieved through them. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw an envelope with an emblem of a particular university. This was it. Time for Nandita to officially break this curse. She held her breath as she began to open the letter. It read:
Dear Miss Patel,
We are sorry to inform you that your application for our Scholarship Scheme has been rejected by our Scholarship Selection Committee. After assessing the application and the merit certificates, the Committee has decided that it would not qualify to be awarded the scholarship.
Our Committee strongly believes you will still be able to continue your undergraduate course and wishes you the utmost success in all future endeavours. Thank you for taking interest in our Scholarship Scheme.
Sincerely,
Wang Yo Han
Scholarship Coordinator.
Her mouth traced the words on the paper, leaving a horrid, stale taste in her mouth. She couldn’t breathe as her heart sank before shattering in the quiet room. Her eyes began to fill with tears as hope was torn away from her very existence. She got the grades she needed. She passed her exams. But it wasn’t enough. She couldn’t change her fate.
Sobs slowly began to fill the air. Nandita clutched her chest and the realisation of what had occurred had finally hit her. She had failed. How naive I must be! To think I could change the future! To think I’m allowed good things! To think I could break this stupid curse! She wanted to scream but her heart was aching too much. She had enough. She had suffered too much. She couldn’t go back and face Eunhyuk. Everything was riding on this scholarship. His disappointment would be devastating.
There was one way to control her fate. One way she could end her curse. Something she should have done a long time ago. Nandita quickly wiped away her tears and went over to Junseo who was dancing in the living room. A sad smile surfaced on her expression. Junseo noticed Nandita’s demeanour and stopped. Nandita crouched down to his level, before forcing a genuine smile across her lips. “Put your shoes on, we need to go out.”
Junseo’s gaze never left Nandita, carefully analysing her every move. Nandita slowly rose, before realising that Junseo hadn’t budged. She extended her hand, encouraging him to follow her. Junseo reluctantly grabbed her hand and they began to leave the house.
They arrived at their neighbour's apartment, Kim Jiwon, who was a dear friend to Eunhyuk. Nandita pressed the doorbell and could hear shuffling from across the door, before hearing a voice chime. “Coming! Give me a sec!”
The door slammed open. Nandita was greeted with a smile, which she strenuously reciprocated. “Nandita! Oh, and Junnie too!” the older man exclaimed, ruffling Junseo’s hair. He carried his hands with a heaviness to them. Tired from working so hard, which Nandita could relate to. He had a gentle presence to him and was someone wise beyond his years. His tired eyes were hidden behind his glasses and his old, grey sweater made him look older than he actually was.
“Come on in,” He began to head back inside when Nandita stopped him.
“Ah, actually could you mind Junnie for a while? Something has come up and...” Nandita trailed off, feeling the weight of what she was doing. Jiwon slowly turned around and took in Nandita’s presence. She looked depleted compared to her usual self.
“Of course,” he said, sympathising with the poor girl. His attention shifts to Junseo, who was hiding behind Nandita, refusing to let her go.
Nandita slowly turned to him and gave him a quick hug. “I’ll be alright,” she whispered in Hindi, “I’ll be as fast as I can,” she placed a kiss on his cheek. With his lip quivering, tears began to well up within Junseo’s eyes, accompanied by a returning ache within Nandita’s chest. Nandita took a deep breath, trying her best to keep her composure. She let out the biggest smile she could muster. Before her hand reached into her pocket and she bought out the key ring Jaewook had given her. “Keep this safe for me, “ she said. Junseo took the item into his small hands, the coolness of the metal sending a shiver down his spine.
Nandita rose and guided Junseo into the house, before planting a kiss on his head as he walked away. She waved goodbye. As soon as the door shut, a sinking feeling settled within Nandita’s stomach. It was accompanied by guilt getting caught up in her throat. She didn’t want to burden Jiwon, but she had no choice. She needed to do this.
She began to leave the building, the heaviness of reality catching up with her. Nandita’s phone began to ring. ‘Jaewookie ’ flashed as the caller ID. Her lovely friend. Her only friend. Tears began to well in her eyes as she pressed decline on her phone.
I’m sorry, Jaewookie.
A stillness washed over Nandita. When she finally made it outside, the sun had not yet fully set. As if it was waiting for Nandita to come to her senses. Her tear-stained face got a few looks, but she didn’t care. It didn’t matter anymore. The whole world can judge her. But as long as Nandita was free, their opinions would be meaningless.
She dragged her feet as she made her way, stumbling past a few drunkards. Her phone constantly buzzing. She looked at the screen. 7 missed calls. Her broken heart ached a little more as she put away the phone. It began to buzz again. But Nandita was too numb by this point. She had to go through with this. There was no turning back. There was no future to turn to anyway.
Nandita finally made it to the Dongjak Bridge, recognising it from some of the dramas her sister used to watch. She walked up to the bridge’s centre and took in the view. Cars horns and engine sputters could not mask the thoughts in her head. This world was cruel and Nandita did not want to be a part of it any longer. Her soul ached as she saw she was the only pedestrian on the bridge. She somehow always ended up alone. I guess this is fitting. I entered this world unwanted and alone. It’s only fair I leave it the same way.
With that, she took her shoes off. The sun had finally set as if it had abandoned hope and was refusing to watch this. She brought out her phone and gazed at her lock screen. It was a picture of Junseo, taken only a few days ago. Her breath hitched at the sight of him. He was the bundle of joy that deserved better than what Nandita could give him. She gave him a kiss on the screen, before tearing herself away from the image. She opened the phone to her saved pictures, navigating to a certain photograph she knew so well. It was a picture of a heavily pregnant, but sickly Jeevita, Eunhyuk, Jaewook and Nandita. They were all smiling. Nandita only wished to go back to that time. Everyone was so happy and hopeful. But the Gods could never allow such a thing to exist in Nandita’s life. They were sadistic beings; constantly giving her false hope and things to look forward to. There was nothing crueller than showing someone happiness and taking it all away from them.
Anguish settles in Nandita’s core, tears overspilling her cheeks. She quickly wrote out a text. Her breathing hitched with every tap of the letters. After that, she wiped her tears and placed the phone next to her shoes. And then she jumped.
The blunt force trauma from hitting the water at that velocity was still not enough to take her life. Nandita wanted to scream from the pain but forced herself to keep her mouth shut. The cool waters did little to numb the agony of the injuries she had sustained. Nandita thrashed around as she sank to the bottom; her flight or fight responses kicking in. Her head burned as she tried to hold her breath for as long as possible.
But then she made the mistake of opening her eyes. Instead of pitch blackness from the murky waters, a blood red moon was shining through. The sight of it made her gasp and not before long she began to choke on the water. It incinerated through her nostrils and scorched her throat. Water began to fill her lungs, burning her chest. She tried to kick herself back to the surface. She had made a mistake. She didn’t want to die. Help!
But it was too late. Her body was too damaged and exhausted to swim. The lack of oxygen in her lungs would not be enough for her to reach the surface. She couldn't keep moving. Her limbs began to get heavier and heavier; her surroundings pulling her down to the river bed. As the last of the air bubbles escaped her, a sense of calmness washed over Nandita. It was ok. No one was going to save her. No one could save her. But that was fine. She was finally going to be free. The icy water began to make Nandita sleepy. Her vision began to blur. She could only see red, illuminated by the moon, before everything faded to black.
Nandita had finally fulfilled her dream.
~~~
End of chapter 1.
