Chapter 30

Nervous, I ask, “What’s wrong Quinn?” There’s no way he knows what I’m thinking right now, right? 

Quinn eyes me silently for a second before regaining his trademark smile and says, “Nothing my boy. Was just making sure you weren’t eating your pottage too fast there. Remember to take your time.”

“Alright, thanks for the reminder.” When Wraine and I finish up our meal, we pay Farland for a bed for the night and get right to sleep. I would’ve loved to get a private room but 20 silver isn’t enough to splurge carelessly like I did when I dreamt I had a gold coin. Right before he fell asleep, I told Wraine we needed to speak privately tomorrow about something important. He told me we could talk near the well in the morning since it’s usually deserted and quiet. I thought about this quite a few times while I was still inside the tunnel and seriously considered doing this on my own because I didn’t want to involve Wraine in my selfishness. But it isn’t fair to him considering everything we’ve been through thus far and I only thought it was right to let him know what I wanted to do. He might even be implicated in my plans even if I kept him in the dark and that’s something I’d hate to happen. I think a little part of me even wants Wraine to stop me. To tell me how stupid I was being and convince me to cherish my life more and forget about what I was planning. I hope he succeeds. 

We both wake up around the same time and we head out the backdoor to the well outside. It’s still a little dark out, probably just before dawn. We take turns at the well and when we’re done, we sit down next to each other on the dirt with our backs against the inn wall. Taking one last quick look around us to make sure there’s no one around, I start with a whisper, “I’m not alright. I haven’t been alright since the incident in the cave with the smoke. I’ve been having nightmares of that boy every other night as if I was him at the moment he died. And then the earthquake happened. I’m not proud of what I did inside that tunnel and the only reason I can still keep myself moving is by putting everything that’s happened on that blond bandit who robbed us when we first got here. I can’t help but need something, someone to blame for all of it otherwise I’ll lose my mind. You don’t know what it was like near the end there. I really thought I was going to die and at some point, I accepted it. I gave up. I gave up because knowing I was going to die but not being able to do a single thing about it devastated me. I cried, I screamed, I begged, and you know what that got me? A sore throat. The hunger I felt at that point was so intense that I really thought about eating Kayman’s body. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to do it even if I died if I didn’t. I lost all hope and I even thought about ending it all to save myself from any more pain. What am I supposed to do now? I can’t live with myself the way things are now. I need to do something to make everything right again. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you, but it’s something I have to do.” 

Wraine doesn’t respond immediately but takes his time to go through everything I said while he stares at the well in front of us blankly. After a few moments, he turns his head to look directly into my eyes and I can still see dark bags under his eyes. He’s gone through a lot of hardship these past two weeks, same as me. I can’t even begin to describe how thankful I am for him and the rest of the miners for not giving up and saving my life. But this yearning inside of me can’t be stopped anymore, it’s all I can think about now. I know it’s selfish, I know all of this is because of my own selfishness. I don’t even know if this feeling inside of me is just a desire for revenge. I don’t think it is. If I just wanted revenge then I should be filled with anger and hatred towards the blond bandit right? But I’m not. Perhaps at first I was, but not anymore. The only thing I feel right now is an overwhelming sense of wrongness that eats at me day and night. A wrongness I need to rectify and the only way I can do it is by killing him or else I’ll be the one to die. “You’re right, I really don’t understand. If you told me you were angry and you hated the people who robbed us and that’s why you wanted to kill them, I could understand that. Hell, I was the exact same a month ago when we first got here. Seeing them take everything we worked for and then walk away laughing while all I could do was stand there, unsure if you were dead or alive, was miserable. It was the most miserable moment of my life. I’ve never felt so powerless, so useless before. I hated them with my very being and I thought about it. I thought about finding them in a dark alley and when they weren’t looking, I’d jam a knife right into their neck, watch them slowly fade away while I stood there. Like I stood there the first time watching you. But I forgot about it. Working in the mines took my mind off of it all. The anger went away, the hatred dimmed to nothingness, and I couldn’t waste the energy thinking about someone else any longer. If you told me you wanted to kill them because you were still angry, because you still hated them, I’d sympathize, I’d drink with you until you calmed down, and then I’d convince you it wasn’t worth it, that your life was more valuable than theirs. But it’s different from that, isn’t it?”

This time it’s me who doesn’t immediately respond. I’m still trying to sort out my inner turmoil and put what I’m feeling into words but it’s difficult. I’ve never felt like this before and since getting out of the tunnel, I feel like I’ve changed somehow. “Ever since getting out of that tunnel… I haven’t felt like myself. A part of me still feels like I’m still there. Like my heart stopped beating in that tunnel and even now it’s still dead. I know this sounds crazy but that feeling is always gnawing in the back of my mind and whenever I let down my guard, I start to think I’m still dreaming, that this is all a dream. I’m able to quell it pretty well most of the time but the feeling never goes away. Always lurking in the back of my mind. There’s this feeling inside of me that I need to do something to go back to my old self. I thought about it a thousand times and the only thing that can do it, I think, is killing the blond bandit. I can’t help but think of him as the source of everything bad that’s happened to us since we arrived in this city and if he dies, I feel like I can fix myself. That I’ll stop having all these weird feelings and thoughts once he’s dead.” 

Wraine stares into my eyes for a few moments without blinking, looking for something maybe. I’m not sure what but I think he found it. “I don’t get it. But I don’t need to. We’ve been together for what, four months now? I’m pretty sure it’s June now and since we met around February, yeah, that’s four months. The shit we’ve been through in four months is appalling. Absolutely fucking appalling. No one should have to go through what we’ve been through. If you weren’t with me, I’m pretty sure I’d have died back on the peninsula. Same goes for you too. Without me, you’d definitely be dead. You know how many things you tried to eat that would have killed you? I don’t, I fucking lost count. I said this back in the cave and you’d best remember it: we’re in this together. We’ve been in this together since day one. If killing that blond bandit is what you want, no, what you need to do, then I’m in. No matter what, simple as that.” 

For the first time since getting out of that tunnel, I can feel my heart beat again. Taking a deep breath, I push Wraine’s shoulder and make him tip over. Sitting back up while chuckling, he does the same to me. “If we’re doing this, we need a plan. A good one. I know you’re thinking about getting his whole group while they’re in the dungeon, but are you sure about Alira’s adopted son too? If anyone finds out it was us, Alira will kill us and it won’t be a pleasant death. The fucking horror stories I’ve heard about him send shivers down my back. No one can know about any of this.” 

“This is the only opportunity we’ll ever have. I’m on the fence regarding Alister too but from what we’ve heard around the inn, those two are always together. This is honestly a chance of a lifetime and if we don’t do it now, another chance might never come. For now, we watch and we wait. Based on what we heard last night, Alister, the blond bandit, and the rest of their group should be taking a few days to clear out a dungeon in the southwestern forest. We know where they are and if we’re careful, we can watch what they’re doing and come up with a plan. We’ll need all the information we can get to create any sort of advantage for us. Know anything about dungeons?” 

“Not too much, just about what everyone else should know, I think. Oh yeah, I forgot about how stunted you are. You know, you’ve been doing much better compared to before. I remember when you didn’t even know what the world was called. Good times.”

“Okay, first off, fuck you. Second off, fuck off. I know what dungeons are but is there anything about them that can help us?”

“I don’t know, not really? Unless the monsters living inside there can kill them for us. I think most dungeons start inside caves for whatever reason and the core will be in the deepest part of the cave. That might be good for us, we can lay a trap for them outside the dungeon and when they come outside, tired and hurt, we’ll ambush them.”

“You make it sound easy but might I remind you, you’ve never even used your sword before except for working out your arms by carrying it during our travels. Also, my body’s not fully back to normal yet. I’m still weak as all hells and remember last night? I ran out of breath while we were walking back to the city. Even if they’re tired and hurt, they’ll rip us to shreds. But you said the dungeon was inside a cave?”

“It could be. I’m not too sure about that. Whenever the kids in Misanth played adventurers and dungeons, they only pretended to fight hordes of monsters and then made up stories about the treasures they found inside the dungeons. Oh, they imagined traps too and acted out how they’d dodge each trap, jumping and spinning around. I don’t really remember them mentioning what sort of place the dungeon was. Why?”

“I mean, if it’s a cave we’re dealing with…it worked so well last time right?”