Chapter 61

Wraine and I make our way over to the second last row of gravestones and find the third one in line from the right. The gravestones in this graveyard aren’t very well maintained and there’s wild grass and weeds growing all over the place. The majority of the gravestones have cracks in them and vines grow out from those cracks. Every step we take in the wild, unkempt vegetation sends small brown and gray rodents scurrying away, frightened by our foreign human presence. I don’t think this place gets many visitors. Now that I think about it, the front wooden gate we walked through to get in here was hanging off of a broken hinge and we were afraid to touch it thinking the whole thing would fall apart. 

Right in front of us is a terribly damaged and weather worn gray gravestone with the name “Thorpe” inscribed on it. The gravestone is missing its top right chunk and there’s cracks covering the gravestone. Aside from the name, there’s nothing else etched on the gravestone and that’s incredibly sorrowful. We don’t know anything about the man when he was still alive. We don’t know what he did for a living, we don’t know if he ever got married when he moved to this city, we don’t even know what he looked like, and most importantly, we don’t know what kind of person he was. 

Was he a kind, honest man who lived a proper life and we should be celebrating his memory or was he a bastard like us who lived by harming others and we should besmirch his memory? We don’t know, and according to Derriv, we’ll likely never know. Most of the people who could have known him either died along with him during the plague or they’ve left this city searching for a brighter future. All we know about Thorpe is he was Wraine’s uncle and he came to Midriver to follow his ambitions. That’s all.  

Neither of us have spoken a word since we got to this graveyard and it’s still silent as we’re staring at the gravestone in front of us. I don’t know what’s going through Wraine’s head as he silently ponders but the silence is unnerving to me. I can’t take it any longer and I decide to break the silence first, “How are you holding up?” 

He really was thinking deeply because my voice seemed to startle him from his thoughts, “Fine, I’m fine. Just thinking about… well, everything. From when we were still in the army, to the ambush, to Mountain’s Toil, to Lahrein, to Midriver, to the mines, to Candle, and then to right this moment. I don’t know, everything feels so surreal to me, you know? Like I haven’t been in control of my life for the last few months, like I’ve been caught in a river current and I’m still just being carried along by the river’s flow. 

“And I was alright with that because underneath it all I could still convince myself if I found my uncle, things would go back to normal. That doesn’t make sense and I know it doesn’t make sense but I think I tricked myself into believing it made sense. Like if I could find him, everything would go back to the way things used to be. You know what I mean?” 

“Yeah, I do.” Looking away from his eyes, I take a seat on the ground in front of Thorpe’s grave and lean my back against one of the gravestones behind me. “It’s crazy to think of all the shit we’ve been through in just a few months. You’re right when you said it all feels surreal because it’s hard to believe one day we’re living exactly like how we have been living since we’ve been born and the next day we’re thrust into pure madness. 

“Wanting to go back to those past days is something I can understand and to me it sounds like you made your uncle into some sort of symbol for those lost days. Hells, look at what I’ve been doing with Mary. For whatever fucked up reasoning I have, I somehow made her into my way of repenting for all the heinous shit I’ve done. It’s fucked up, it’s stupid, it doesn’t make sense, but I do it anyways to keep myself sane.”

Wraine does the same and leans against another gravestone next to me and says with a huff, “Yeah. I don’t know. I think you’re right and I think I did make my uncle into some strange representation for all the things I’ve lost and now long for. But without him, right now I kind of feel lost. Like I don’t know what to do next. My entire goal this whole time was to keep surviving and then find my uncle eventually, right? But with him gone now, I’m not sure what I want to do from now on. 

“I don’t know if this makes me sound callous or uncouth or whatever, but when Derriv told us my uncle was dead, I wasn’t all that sad about it because I had a feeling it would turn out this way for a while now. I just hoped that feeling was wrong. What really threw me into a loop was losing my one purpose in this city. Like he’s the reason why we came here, right? If he’s gone, then what now? Is this really what we want to be doing for the rest of our lives? Thinking about all this shit is really depressing but it’s the only thing that’s been on my mind recently especially with what Derriv told us this morning.”

“I can see that. I’ve been having the same thoughts as you have. I don’t really know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I’ve just been taking things one step at a time. After the mining incident, all I knew was I didn’t want to put my life on the line for 30 copper coins again. After the forest incident, I knew I didn’t want to be on the wrong side of a blade ever again. In my head, the only thing I could think of doing to fulfill both those conditions was joining a gang and when I saw the opportunity, I took it. 

“You know, I didn’t ever get the chance to tell you I was sorry for not talking it over with you before going for it. That night when that one guy came into The Sleeping Hornet and word for word described what we saw months ago on the Basteb peninsula, I was overwhelmed by how much time had passed and how little I had to show for it. I felt like I had to do something.” 

“You don’t have to apologize. Like I told you that same night, I had an idea of what you wanted to do because there really was nowhere else for us to go. Besides, I wasn’t against the idea of joining up with a gang with all the blood already on our hands. Hells, if I was really against joining a gang, do you really think I would’ve gone along with you that night?” 

“You’re right. Still, I should’ve talked about it with you beforehand without putting you on the spot like that.” 

“It’s alright. So, what now? What do we do from here on out? Where do we go from here? What do we do with our lives? I’ve never had to give any of this consideration before because I already thought I had my whole life planned out. I was supposed to start working with my dad and eventually I’d get married and have kids. I was supposed to have an ordinary, quiet life. For some reason, like I said before, I duped myself into thinking if I found my uncle, everything would go back to the way it was. 

“I had to think like that and keep that mindset otherwise I don’t think I could live with myself with all the things we’ve done. How do you do it? I know you said you were having nightmares for a long time and recently I’ve been having trouble sleeping as well but it looks like you’re handling things much better than I am. I feel like I’m barely holding on now that my uncle’s gone and I’ve lost the one thing that was keeping me grounded.”

Taking a deep breath, I think about my own past month and a smile stretches across my lips, “I’m not handling things better than you are. I’ve been drinking myself to sleep every night this past month and I’ll likely do the same tonight. My nightmares haven’t gotten any better. In fact, they’re the reason for my drinking.”

Wraine looks at me for a moment and doesn’t seem surprised by this, “That explains the smell every morning. Thought it was you never taking off your leather.”

“Heh, fuck off. But really, I’m able to keep it all going because I want more out of this life than what we have now. Compared to where we were and what we had for ourselves two months ago, we’ve come a long way, but I’m still not satisfied. It’s not just about the money, ever since I was a kid, I’ve always felt like I was meant for something greater. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived the majority of my life on a farm being told I’ll never accomplish anything and that I’d be living on that farm for the rest of my life, but just thinking about living a life like that scares me to death. I can’t live like that and if it means I need to slice a few throats to prevent that, I’ll do it. I’ll fucking do it gladly.” 

I take a moment to finish fleshing out what I want to say before I continue, “Regarding how I can live with myself with everything I’ve done, someone taught me something a long time ago that I’ve never been able to get out of my head. They taught me to live with a firm heart even if it isn’t always steady. I didn’t understand what they meant for a long time but as I grew older, I had to do a lot of things I hated to survive and I finally understood what it meant. 

“It means to keep your dreams, your aspirations, all the shit that makes you keep breathing, as the foundation for your firm heart. All the other things that you have to do to get by in life can make your heart unsteady but as long as you have that firm heart, you’ll be able to do anything and get through everything no matter how vile. What I think you’re going through now is you’ve lost your firm heart because that’s what you made your uncle into. As long as you can find a new one, or make a new one, you’ll get through this and you’ll get through everything else we’ll need to do from here on out.” 

Wraine takes a moment to process and digest everything I’ve just said and after a few minutes, he quietly asks, “Then what’s your firm heart?”

Smiling back at him, I answer, “Like I told you that night when you saw the woman in the chariot, I want to become a king. I don’t know what the fuck a king is or what a king does. Everything I know about kings comes from stupid make believe games I played with the other kids back in Abermock. All I know is a king doesn’t answer to anybody and that’s what I want. I never want to leave my life in another person’s hands again like we did when we joined the army. 

“Even now, I’m not completely sure about joining up with Derriv and his men but I understand it’s the best tradeoff we have right now. Derriv has our lives in his hands but from what he's shown us thus far, it doesn’t look like he’ll abuse that power. In return for that, we get a place to live, food and water provided to us without payment, without payment yet anyways, training we’d never get from anywhere else, opportunities to make a lot of fucking coins, and we can rely on Candle’s protection from other gangs. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I like everyone in Candle and all but I honestly can’t see myself staying with Derriv forever. Just until I can establish a stable foothold for myself in this city and then I want to fight for Midriver’s control. No more Alira, no more three main factions, just me and the people close to me. When that happens, I could really use your help and your company if you’re willing.”