That night I had one of the best sleeps I ever had – not only did the Revue go extremely well, but more importantly Hikari had managed to return from her own stage of fate. People sometimes view me as standoffish, but truth be told I do genuinely care for everyone, Hikari included. I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to be trapped in a cycle of one’s own eternal guilt. The thought made me shiver, clutching my pillow harder as I try to fall back to sleep. I don’t do well when it comes to experiencing setbacks no matter how small. It’s a problem in general, but the last thing I needed right now was problems. I just wanted to fall into that comfortable abyss known as sleep, mon dieu.

When I had fallen back into a comfortable place, resting my eyes peacefully I heard a loud knock. Part of me wanted to ignore it, but I knew it’d be worse if I ignored it despite what my body told me otherwise. I turned on my lamp and opened the door. It was Tendo Maya, but not the Tendo Maya I knew. Her eyes were red from crying, and her face bore an exhuasted expression. I’ve never seen her like this – the Tendo Maya in mind was always someone confident and statuesque. No matter what happened, nothing seemed to faze her. But this was a side of her I had not seen, a vulnerable, open side.  What could’ve caused this?

She rubbed her eyes anxiously, sniffling. “I'm sorry Claudine, but just…I can’t sleep and I need someone to talk to right now. I know this is a stupid question seeing as you’re here, but can you spare a minute?” Even though I was taken aback by how emotionally vulnerable she was as compared to her usual demanor, I wouldn’t stoop so low to not satisfy the request of a friend.

“Yeah, come in. I can get some tea if you like – decaf?”

“That would be nice, or just some water.” As I got some waters for the both of us, she went into my bed and hugged my pillow as if it were a life vest. I didn’t know what to say to her, but all I knew was that I had to be there for her. That’s all I could do right?

“What’s up?” Ugh, that was too casual. That’s something you’d say to a friend not to someone whom you try to counsel. She didn’t seem to mind however, loosening up a bit. I lit a candle, the small but luminous light emitting a comfortable aura. I got into the bed. The moment I got into bed, she lay her head onto my shoulder for comfort. Though surprising, the only thing I could do for her was be there for her. Everyone whom I’ve trained and prepared with I regard highly but there’s something special about Tendo Maya. I can’t afford to fuck this up, no matter what.

“I…haven’t been honest with you, not about what I did but who I am. I’m…not who you think you are.”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“I’m…i’m…” Maya said as she struggled to say the words she needed to. “…not a girl. I’m not Tendo Maya.”

She might as well have been talking to a brick wall, for when I looked at her I could see nothing but Tendo Maya. For all I have known her, there is nothing else that she could be or could be otherwise – that towering, confident figure that exuded such power and beauty. If the person I was talking with wasn’t Tendo Maya then who else would she be?

“What do you mean?”

“I…I….” she stammered, struggling to find the words. As if releasing a great burden she finally let it go, albeit in a language which I understood far better.

“…je suis transgenre…”

She didn’t need to say it any other way. I comforted her as she started sobbing uncontrollably into her pillow. I was shocked but I could tell this was something she held deep within herself for years on end, if not longer. Truth be told, I didn’t want an explanation. I just wanted her to be okay, and as long as she was safe and sound that’s all that mattered.

“I understand, I know it can be hard.” I could’ve said something more eloquent, perhaps something more affirming and reassuring but words failed me in this moment.

“Thank you…you’re…not surprised.”

“I am, but I don’t think of you any less for that. I’ve just never seen you like this, nor ever thought you’d tell me something this big. But that’s not a problem. I just want to be there for you in whatever way you can.” She started crying even louder and harder, before her tears transformed themselves in fits of coughing and laughter. Chugging her glass of water she sat it down and continued laughing.

“D-d-did I say something?" I stammered.

“No you’re fine I just…I’m just proud of you is all.”

My face turned a bright tomato red, smothering myself with a pillow. She said she was proud of me! She really did! I can’t believe she want from ma claudine to ‘I’m proud of you.””

“Uhhh…th-thanks….” I blurted out. Maya giggled a little, getting up from the bed to get herself some more water.

“You’re welcome. To be honest I didn’t know when to tell you, and this isn’t something I halfheartedly considered either. I was actually going to tell you tomorrow but tonight my dysphoria was just too much. I felt like collapsing inside of myself and I needed to talk to you. Do you mind if I go on?”

One thing at a time Claudine. Calm down, you can do this.

“Yeah, go on.”

“For so long I thought I was just a guy, but even then there was something about myself was just off. It wasn’t until that I realized that I was trans that I was really able to articulate that. And when it did, it just kind of hit me like a truck – all of my life I was just living a lie. Do you know what that’s like?” She said, wiping her tears.

There were no tears as she clung onto me. All I felt was just her need for empathy, sympathy, or something that offered her hope. Truthfully I couldn’t sympathize but I could empathize. I’ve never felt like my own identity was ever issue the issue; no – it was always being second best to Maya for so long, but now those feelings I once felt so passionately back then now feel foolish in hindsight. None of it mattered. All that matters right now is her.

“You don’t have to answer. I don’t expect anything either…”

“I don’t know what it’s like to feel like that, trapped in a body that’s not yours. But what I know is that from the day we’ve met I’ve always seen you as Tendo Maya. I don’t care if you-were a guy back then because nothing you say or do can change who you are. I may not know much but I at least know that.” She looked at me with her sore-red eyes and just smiled softly at me. Tears started forming again but none of them were born of sorrow or hate, only love.

“Merci. Words fail in describing how happy I am that you’re here for me…thank you.” Stretching out into a yawn, she rested her head on the pillow next to mine as our hands interlock with each other for warmth. I could feel how nervously strong her grip was, how she needed that reassurance and security.

“Do you…think that the others would judge me for this at all?”

“After everything we’ve been through together, I think it wouldn’t faze them at all. And even if it does, just know that I’ll be here for you no matter what, okay?” Staring into her beautiful eyes, I couldn’t help but smile back at her. She truly is that special to me, even if I couldn’t quite articulate it but language wasn’t necessary. The warmth of our bodies and our support confirm that better than any words can. And that night – I had the best sleep I ever had in my entire life.