A pot of sencha steamed on the coffee table. Phoebe gratefully took the cup that Cat had poured for her; normally she would have taken it with a spoonful of honey, but left the jar alone this time.
“Phoebe, why do you want to join Quill?” Cat wasn’t wasting any time. His own cup sat untouched in front of him. Before she could answer, he stopped her. “To be clear, I’m not asking why you feel like you need to join us. I’m asking why you want to.”
“I want to fight. I can help you.” She found it difficult to meet Cat’s steely eyes. It had been a few days since the attack on Julia’s home, and she couldn’t stop thinking about how she’d felt content at the end of it. She’d jumped off the edge and into a violent death at Silver’s hands and it had left her feeling at peace.
Content like pulling yourself out of the water and sun-drying on a warm rock while a mountain waterfall roars behind you. Content like the bus ride home after a day of 200-foot roller coaster drops. Like a shower after a hard run. Content like all the energy built up inside you had finally been bled out.
Drop by scorching, red drop.
“I heard you talking,” Phoebe continued, “about how you need more people because Connell is going to come back. And it’s not like I’d really be in danger.”
“You don’t have to use yourself as a weapon. We don’t want you to see yourself that way.” Asmeret sipped their own tea.
“And you absolutely would be in danger. We don’t know what Connell will try to do with you if he catches you. Plus, it’s entirely possible that your immortality has limits that we’re unaware of,” said Cat.
“Or that certain ways of dying affect you differently than others,” added Bluebell.
“Yes- What happened with the Consumption in the first place. Or when it started breaking,” even Yuli chimed in, speaking in Julia’s voice as per usual.
Following the attack, Phoebe had remained content until she woke up on the couch and began retching before her head could leave the pillow. She’d run into the half bath in the hallway and retched until her body got the message that her organs were back in their proper places. Then she vomited. Cat and Julia led her upstairs. They only asked if she was alright. She hadn’t known.
Looking around at the members of Quill, she still didn’t know. Phoebe had been content because the bond hadn’t fully broken. Because Silver went back to her instead of killing anyone else. At the time her thoughts were so far away from the person he had killed. Just then, right in front of her. The mug of hot tea burned her palms. His corpse had been sprawled out just yards from her own; in the moment it’d been so easy to forget.
“You’re all putting yourselves in danger too! I-” she couldn’t say that she’d enjoyed being chased. Quill would never take her seriously, “I really want to help. And I feel like I keep messing up. But I know I can do better.”
Running from the gunman, finding herself in the middle of the fray- it had been exciting. Silver killing her hadn’t just made her content. It had, unfortunately, made her feel alive. Now she felt bare and wrung out and embarrassed, in ways that diving and thrill rides had never elicited.
“You have no experience,” Cat and Asmeret both began to say, speaking over each-other. “You’re twenty,” the latter emphasized.
“Recruiting more help from the Society would be preferable to recruiting you,” Cat said. “Connell knows we have a familiar on our side. He could send a familiar after us next time. We need to assume he has connections with bound witches. You won’t be able to go up against that.”
“I’ve been talking to Isra about it.” Julia scratched the back of Yuli’s neck. “Look, maybe I could train Phoebe a little. In the basic endurance and strength stuff that I learned when I joined the Society. It couldn’t hurt.”
“If Connell is a witch, could he be bound? Could he have his own familiar?” Bluebell asked.
“Yuli’s never scented one. Not on the train or anywhere else,” Julia replied.
“There’s also-” Phoebe cut in. “Consumptions can’t be undone, right? But the Firebird might be able to break the bond between me and Silver, in a way that won’t hurt us. I might be able to free myself from him.” She sat her mug down and looked at Cat. “Would that be possible?”
“How familiar are you with common motifs in Firebird lore?”
“Not very,” Phoebe admitted. “Mostly moral lessons from fairy tales and stuff.”
“In many tales, the person who quests for the Firebird is already a fledgling. Someone’s first wish can be the beginning of their journey. This is even supported in some historical documents- although their authenticity is dubious. And while the Firebird can appear to anyone, there’s the belief that it can only be found by a fledgling. If that’s true, then there must be a reason for it. The Firebird might be waiting for someone worthy enough to give a second wish to. Maybe more.” He smiled at her, though something about it was subdued.
“That isn’t Quill’s goal,” Cat continued. “We’re here to observe the Firebird at the end of its cycle, bringing as many fledglings with us as we can. It’s an academic endeavor which has gotten sidetracked by Connell’s murders. Normally I wouldn’t agree with someone joining Quill to try and get a second wish–we don’t even know if it’s possible–but your circumstances are special.”
“It’s those ‘circumstances’ that I’m worried about,” said Asmeret. “Silver is dangerous.”
Phoebe's ears drew back further. After the incident, her contentment and retching had quickly twisted into something else: Simmering anger. On the record, Silver had killed one of the gunmen in self-defense. But everyone involved knew the truth. And if it hadn't been that man, it could have been anyone else. Would have been. She'd asked for his help, she'd wanted him to attack- until she saw the brutality of it up close. Phoebe knew this was another fuckup on her part, but did Silver care about anything other than getting his claws bloody? Who did he think he was? He could have just incapacitated the gunman, but he chose to be cruel.
And then he'd turned that cruelty on her, and she'd enjoyed it. It made her want to strand him on the little island for real this time. Made her want to pin him to the ground like he'd done with her- she couldn't possibly-
“With some training I’d consent to you joining us,” conceded Cat. “You’re right that we need more people, and we have the budget for it. But you'd be prohibited from using Silver to aid you in anything Quill-related, and prohibited from releasing him unless under Yuli's supervision.” He turned to Asmeret, and they nodded in agreement.
“I won't. He can stay asleep forever, for all I care,” Phoebe spat. The feathers above Julia’s eyes raised.
