Cas was still in a daze when the door leading to the rooftop opened. He was above, feeling the ground he was laying on moving when two people arrived. Both ended up leaning against the handrail, and Cas could see their back from where he was. He didn’t want to be seen right now but moving to a close space meant risking having a new panic attack, so he could only wait here. If something went wrong, he could kill them. It would be easy. He would take his blade out and drove it in the neck of the bigger one in surprise. If the other tried to defend himself, Cas could dislocate his shoulder, and then he’d crush his throat to prevent him from screaming. The knife could be used to finish the job, or Cas could strangle the guy until he couldn’t breathe anymore. And he would be alone on the roof to observe the clouds and surrounded by bodies and blood, as he was before.

Before he could make the first move, one of the guys talked, and Cas had to calm himself and forced himself to stay low. Jasper was there. His target. The rabbit he was supposed to protect, not exterminate.

“He went too far,” Jasper said.

“Maybe,” the other voice responded, and Cas recognized the deep voice of the military advisor. “But he was right about everything. He went overboard, but that was probably his own way to make it work. I should have done the same thing Jasp’, but I couldn’t risk my job and leave you again. He just doesn’t seem to care about the consequences.”

“I am selfish if I don’t want him to leave?”

“Maybe.”

“He’s the first guy who talked to me and listened! The first! Will he be expelled?”

Was he worried about Cas? He thought the rabbit would be too scared to try to talk to him again. Cas held his breath.

“I don’t think so. But that guy is dangerous, you know?”

“He did that because of me.”

“No, Jasp’. That’s not true,” the military guy whispered, and Cas barely heard him, even with his sharp ears.

Jasper sighed. The military guy took a cigarette and lit it with a lighter.

“There’s something I don’t understand.” Jasper said.

“Tell me.”

“What does the last thing he said mean? The ‘I’m not your answer’ thing.”

Cas heard the military guy chuckled, as if he was reminded of something funny.

“Your little friend…” he started, but Jasper interrupted him.

“Cas.”

“What?”

“He’s name is Cas. From Castiel.”

“Oh. So, Cas is not an idiot. He knows I planned the match.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I asked the teacher to set up matches against students and make sure the first one was setting you against the boxer. There’re several reasons: I wanted to see how he’ll react, and what kind of guy he was. I also wanted to introduce him to the class, how unfair and stupid teachers and students can be. My goal was to make him fight instead of you, but I guess he wasn’t what I expected him to be.”

“You shouldn’t have expectations from others. It only increased the pressure they feel to make sure to be as cool as you want them to be. That’s a bad thing.”

“Maybe. But he told me he was doing mixed martial-arts, and I also wanted to see how good he was. Especially because he took the time to help you when you never listened to me.”

“You never told me anything, Alden.”

“Not at school. But I corrected you last time you went to my apartment, didn’t I?”

Are they friends? Cas thought. Or family?

“And I wanted to see how far he’ll go. He told me he wasn’t a pawn I could use to make the situation better, and he’s right. But I still think he’s dangerous. You sure you still want to meet him?”

“It’s not because he fought well with one guy he fights every time he can. He dodged a lot of punches before counterattacking, no? I don’t think he’s dangerous if we don’t attack him first. And he listened to me. It’s the more someone has done for me for a long time. I don’t want to lose that. Maybe he’ll be my friend, one day.”

Cas couldn’t listen more. Jasper was awfully naive. Cas thought that Jasper didn’t know what kind of person he was, that the military guy didn’t know either, that nobody really knew. He wasn’t even a person from this world. How could they know they shouldn’t get close to him? 452 was wrong to think Cas could do a good job. Cas was only good at fighting. Protecting someone was something that cost his death last time, and making friends or making people rely on him wasn’t a good solution in the long-therm. He jumped down, interrupting their time with his loud noises. He hesitated a bit; should he stay or leave? But Jasper answered his hesitation with a big smile and a wave from his hand, as if he didn’t care Cas was there since the beginning and heard everything they said.

“Cas!” Jasper said, and Cas went at his side.

He leant against the handrail, watching the buildings across the road staining the grey sky. He missed trees and wet grass.

“Can I have a smoke?” Cas asked to the military guy.

“You’re minor” he answered, shrugging.

“And I have a knife in my pocket” Cas said.

“You don’t seem like the type to need it to kill.”

True, but a knife was always better.

“I do, actually. It’s cleaner than using fist to crush someone skull. Can I have a smoke?”

The military guy laughed and threw him a cigarette and his lighter. Cas turned his back to them to light the thing, not wanting them to see the blood and his left hand, even if he had put his gloves back on his hand, hiding the wound. Blood already leaked everywhere, and he forgot to wipe it clean.

“Did he hurt you?” Jasper asked.

“Never touched me,” Cas said. “Did you go to the infirmary?”

“Don’t need to,” Jasper said.

Cas turned his gaze to meet his eyes, and he saw rest of dry blood scattered under the beginning of his hair. He couldn’t see the cuts, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t smell the blood. His eyes flashed red for an instant before the hurt diminished.

“Liar,” he said, seeing him wincing from the pain.

“I can’t go there,” Jasper said, lowering his head.

“Why?”

Jasper didn’t answer. Cas didn’t ask further. He gritted his teeth.

“If someone get me the stuff, I can help you.” I can’t. I really can’t. I don’t know what I’ll do if I you touch me. “If you have bigger cuts, I can stitch them.”

“It’s okay” the military guy said, seeing Jasper was reluctant. “I’ve already done everything I could do.”

Cas nodded, and hoped to hide the relief from stretching the muscles of his face. Making Jasper believed Cas was disgusted by him was the last thing he wanted to do, but the dread he felt from the idea of touching human skin again couldn’t help but spreading in every inch of his body. Fighting wasn’t such a big deal but trying to be nice was another story.

The bell rang, announcing the beginning of the late classes, and Jasper went toward the door, before turning over.

“Cas! We have physics! You’re coming?”

Cas hesitated, but shook his head in the end. He still couldn’t get back there. Too many walls, too many people. He said a “sorry” he wouldn’t have said when he was in his normal mood, and when Jasper left, he continued to gaze the sky, watching as the black smoke became nothing more than air, he asked himself how the smoke and the clouds blended into each other, morphing shapes and changing, evolving, becoming something else in the process. The smoke didn’t really disappear, it was still there, but it wasn’t smoke. Cas thought he was just like that black and toxic smoke. The “Cas” from before was still there, somewhere, but he was only particles and atoms blended with everything else; he didn’t really exist anymore. He was invisible and so tiny and couldn’t be shape into smoke again.

His finger trembled when he put the cigarette against his lips again, and the military guy saw it.

“What does this fight costed you?” he asked.

The guy was sharp. That was a bad thing, Cas thought. Fleeing was out of the question. Killing him wasn’t the answer either, especially if that guy was close to Jasper. But Cas couldn’t help but envisaging pulling his knife out.

“I am dangerous.” he said. “Are you sure you should talk to me?”

The guy chuckled. Maybe he mistaken it as a joke. Not that it really mattered.

“How did you get the scars on your face?”

“I fell in the stairs,” Cas lied.

“That’s the excuse kids give when their parents beat them. Do your parents beat you?”

“They don’t care enough to do so.” Cas said.

He didn’t dare talking about his real parents, about the family he loved so much he hurt, because each time he thought about them, he had to remind himself they were gone, and he always saw the scene of their death in front of his eyes. Maybe he’ll even throw up the apple he ate as lunch.

Cas didn’t know why he answered though. He didn’t have to. That’s why he didn’t trust himself when he was sliding the downhill. In his right mind, he was an arrogant prick, but at least he could control the words that came out of his stupid mouth. Now that he was in the mood after-attack, he was a bit vulnerable. It was better if people believed he was an asshole all the time.

“You won’t answer?” the guy said, but it didn’t really sound as a question.

“I don’t really know” Cas said. “One of the fights I got in. Maybe a big cat.”

His left hand ended up in his hair, trying to shake his bands to cover the scars, forgetting the state his hand was in. But the military guy saw the blood, and his eyes narrowed. He tried to grab Cas’s hand, wanting to see where the blood was coming from. It was still leaping because Cas never did something to stop the flow.

But Cas dodged, as he always did. He almost got caught though. He did not understand how he didn’t see it coming. Maybe he was making a scary face right now, because the military guy stepped back while holding his wrist, as if Cas hurt him. He couldn’t meet the older man’s gaze, too afraid of what he’d see there. Instead, he said “sorry”. Apologizing was something he only did when he wasn’t in his right mind, and he’d done it twice already. He put the cigarette back in his mouth, taking the bigger breath he could take.

The other guy never removed his gaze from him. Cas could feel it, and it itched. He looked at his bloody gloves to change his thoughts.

“Alden,” the military guy said.

“I know,” Cas answered, but it was only a whisper.

Cas hated weak people and couldn’t stand how weak he felt right now. He was like a baby who could cry with just a little push, and wimping wasn’t something he’d done in a long long time. He should leave. Give up. His fingers squeezed tighter the cigarette. He finished it already, but Cas didn’t mind, he just wanted to hide his trembling hand a bit longer.

“Can I call you Cas?”

“You can call me ‘asshole’ if you want to. I don’t really care” Cas said, because sarcasm was the only defense he had left right now.

Alden chuckled again.

“How did you know about the bullet wound?”

“You’re limping.”

“I am not.”

“I am sure it hurts after standing for a long time. Maybe running is hard.”

Alden stopped talking too.

It started raining.

“I should get back in,” military guy said.

“You should.”

“Will you hurt Jasper?”

“Not planning to. He’s so weak right now it would be boring to do so. You saw how the match against champion boxer went. Even with my eyes closed and my feet stuck on the ground, it was still easy.”

“You’re not invincible,” Alden said, but his voice felt softer somehow.

“I am not. I often felt dying was the only escape, but I know now it isn’t.”

Because he was dead and nothing changed.

“Is it why you’re bleeding? Because you’re trying to kill yourself?”

“I’m not weak.”

“I don’t think suicide is something only weak people do.”

Maybe that was true. Cas often thought about it before actually dying, but he couldn’t take the first step, maybe it was because he still had his revenge, or maybe it was just because he was too weak. He hated himself but couldn’t do much to change.

“That’s not what I was doing.”

“Then tell me.”

Cas looked at the sky, asking himself why he couldn’t shut up. Maybe it was because of the guy. Alden was Jasper’s friend, and Jasper was the target he had to protect. But maybe it was only excuses. Maybe it was because Cas felt lonely, sad and broken. But he was lonely, sad and broken for such a long time he didn’t know how to feel otherwise.

“It’s not my blood.” he finally said. 

He shouldn’t have lied. Guilt dug his heart, even though he didn’t know why. Now, the other guy will either avoid him or think Cas was asking for help. That’s the last thing he wanted to do.

The rain hit harder, and the cold spread further.

 “Ok,” Alden finally said, and Cas was surprised. He accepted his answer way too easily, even if Cas knew military guy wasn’t buying it one second. “I’m going back in. You’re coming?”

“No. I’m saying here. The rain doesn’t bother me,” Cas answered.

“Ok. Don’t catch a cold.”

“I am not weak,” Cas repeated.