It was pretty stupid, actually. It wasn’t a mistake, but Cas had to recognize he didn’t pay enough attention to his surroundings. Was it what we called a debutant error? Nevertheless, it was too late. He was dead. Him, who didn’t want to die until he finished all he had to do, finally understood how easy it was to never wake up.

He was in the street. He wasn’t in service, so he could wander around in town without a purpose just to see the overcrowded places and avenues. When someone bump into his shoulder because there wasn’t enough space to breathe, let alone to walk, Cas always jump far away and start preparing himself to attack. Each time, he had to slowly take a breath, exhale all the air in his lungs, and tell himself that there was nothing threatening here, and he wasn’t in danger. However, his hand always finds a way to touch the gun he kept against his back. Even without his favorite daggers, brushing a weapon reassure him.

He turned right, then left, before finally get himself out of the crowd. He let a sound of relief pass his lips. If he could, Cas would obviously choose to avoid all these people and jump into the rooftop of the buildings, but he can’t. He had to get used to contact people and get close to them physically. It’s the first step, his psychiatrist told him. Only then, perhaps, he could get close to someone and crushed the barrier he built around his heart. Only then, he would not be that lonely. Even Cas himself didn’t realize that he still needed someone to carve his way into his life.

He looked at his watch. Only five minutes left for today. Tomorrow, he will leave with the army, far away, and he could stop to ridicule himself with this farce. He could hug his dagger and finally feel the sense of security he lost long ago.

Cas let himself float around a bit, watching the passengers around him live their lives without understanding in what world they live in. Or, maybe they realized, but pretend to not notice. Sometimes, Cas had to recognize that it was easy to forget, easy to not get involve. Sometimes,  remembering was the hardest thing to do. But he had to do it. It was his sole purpose. The only reason he was still alive today.

Cas was waiting. He just had to cross the road and climb to join his flat, but his psychiatrist told him to wait. He must familiarize himself with people, and to find a normal way of life — instead of rushing into his apartment as soon as he can. So, here he was, waiting for the last seconds he had to pass while he saw the streetlight turn green. In the corner of his eyes, he could see a child, a little boy, playing with a ball. Unfortunately, the toy decided to escape by itself, and ended up rolling on the road. The child ran after it. Cas sigh at the sight, but the traffic lights were green for the pedestrians. Furthermore, there wasn’t a car.

When the child finally grabbed the ball into his round little arms, Cas was still watching him. He asked himself why there wasn’t anyone to look after him. Even though it wasn’t his job, he was still a pawn of the army and the government — he still must protect people. He can’t stand to be close to them, but he can’t stand to see them encounter danger. What a joke, he thought.

A car arrives at the end of the road. With his special training, Cas could see that the car was accelerating. But the light was still flashing red, so he didn’t think too much about it. He should have, he thought when he remembered this moment after he passed away. He should have noticed the irregularity, but he didn’t. It cost his life. It was too late.

The car didn’t show any intention of slowing down. The child was still in the middle of the road, unaware of his surroundings. Cas hesitated. But he still jumped before it was too late — his reflexes were kicking in without having his brain catch up. He was still pushing the kid out of the road with his speed and strength. He felt the car hurting his back, and he stumbled a bit. However, the car wasn’t fast enough to create real damage to his body — even though a normal person should have died with this impact. He could have avoided it, he thought. He turned to face to car, and even before he could grab the weapon on his back, the windows of the car were opened, and the for people inside were shooting at him. One bullet went through his arm, he felt the cold of the metal and smelt the iron on his side, he felt the blood rushing out of the wound, and the familiar sting. A second bullet crossed his leg. A third enter his chest, but it never went out of his body. He heard the scream of a woman but didn’t care. He heard the scream of the four people inside the car, and finally identified them. It was them. They were still alive. He should have made sure they kicked the bucket before escaping and start the fire.

“This bastard can’t die with just that! shouted the leader, the one who held the wheel. Make sure his brain explodes before he can flee!”

He felt another bullet in his shoulder, he felt the cold spread in his body, and felt his strength fading. But he was still on his legs. He was still standing. He kept his eyes open, glaring at them, telling them that it wasn’t over, but he didn’t move. He lost the will to fight. How little was his purpose, if he could give up as easily as that. Instead of moving, he chose to stay in the middle of the road, to feel each bull go through his body, to feel his flesh opened, to feel the hurt he didn’t feel in a long time. His tattoo started burning, like each time he didn’t obey them and didn’t play by their rules.

He could have avoided all of it. He could have saved the kid and escaped the car. He didn’t.

Cas didn’t know when he finally closed his eyes, when he finally fell on the floor, or when the bullet stopped flying in his way. He didn’t know when his body stopped spasming, or when he finally bled to death. He just knew that he couldn’t faint because of the pain, and he felt every new wound, he could feel when the car left and when it rolled over him, as if he wasn’t here. It was true, he wasn’t really here. Not anymore. Not since a long time.

He didn’t want to die. He only survives during all these years only because he didn’t want to die. But it was the first time he realized it was that easy. Perhaps someone could see his cold expression melt away, only leaving his real face and not the mask he forged to protect himself from himself. But when it was finally over, he was glad. All he felt was relief. Relief took over the pain, took over the hurt he felt all his life. He didn’t believe in reincarnation, but if something exists after death, he only wished to see his family again. Forgive me, he could say to them. He will apologize for everything, but he never doubted they won’t be happy to see him again.

And then he opened his eyes.

Author :

Hello ! This is my first novel in english. If you see any mistakes, please don't hesitate to tell me!