"C'mon, damnit..." Maya muttered under her breath.

She fumbled with the keys on her lanyard, trying to find the key that went to the front door. She was so fixated on the keys, that when she finally unlocked it and barged through, she completely missed the two packages on the side of the porch that were addressed to her. One of them was a large, white box and the other was a puffed up manilla envelope on top of it. Before I went inside, I picked them up and walked in after Maya.

"Maya, you forgot your stuff." I said, holding her mail out for her to see. She looked back at the things in my hands with confusion. Then, it cleared since I guess she realized what they were.

"Ah, yeah. That stuff." She waved her hand dismissively, "It's not important right now. You can put it on the kitchen table."

Not important?

I didn't question it any further and put the stuff on the table like she asked. Finally safe in the house, I let out a heavy, tired sigh. Fed up with how my day had gone, I went to slink away to my room, when Maya spoke up from behind me.

"Hey," She started, "I need to talk to you about something."

I looked back to her. She was fidgeting nervously behind me, which was unusual for her.

"I'm kinda tired," I said. I really needed to unwind for the day.

"It'll be real quick! I, ah... need some help with something?" She smiled wryly. It came out sounding like a question. What was this about?

"Mmhm." I grunted, ending the conversation. I shut the door behind me and flopped onto my bed.

"Okay!" She called after me through the door. "Maybe later?"

"MMMHMM!" I mumbled into my pillow. After laying still for a few minutes, I kicked my shoes off, undressed, and curled up on my bed to fall asleep.

 

---

 

I blinked my bleary eyes open as I awoke from my sleep. The sun shined through the curtains, so I didn't think too much time went by. I stared up at the ceiling for a moment. I could continue to lay in bed, moping or...

Video games...

I got up and grabbed my pajamas from the pool of clothes on the floor and dressed myself with a large, white t-shirt and some loose basketball shorts. Making my way to the living room, I noticed Maya sitting cross-legged on the sofa with a small booklet in one hand and her phone in the other. she failed to notice me, even when I stood right in front of her and peered over at the book.

Gender and... Sexuality studies?

"Woah! Maya yelped. She pulled the book close to her chest while leaning away from me. "Hey! Hi! What's up?!" She smiled sheepishly at me.

Suspicious...

My leering at Maya had her turning away from me, which was weird, but I didn't really care. I was ready to wind down with some games and I wasn't going to let Maya being weird distract me. Turning away, I grabbed a controller on the floor and pressed the 'Home' button on it as I sat down in front of the couch. Watching the tv screen flicker on, I looked back to see Maya reading something on her phone again, little book still in hand.

Ignoring her, I put my attention back on the tv. My character, Caleb, walked out of his house and waved happily to me through the scree, I smiled. Something I enjoyed about this game was that even if you were a boy or a girl, the character models were still kinda cute either way. It felt nice to have something that was so overwhelmingly positive when I was feeling-

My smile froze on my face.

Spotting something from the corner of my eye, I had moved Caleb slightly to the left, and a mannequin modeling a blue prom dress slid into view from the edge of the screen. I moved further down, revealing a red prom dress right next to the blue one. And a green one. And a purple one.

What. The. Hell.

I couldn't help but freak out a bit. Where did all of this come from? Why is it in front of my house?? Who-

I spun around, facing Maya as she continued to swipe away at her phone. She stopped swiping when she noticed that I was watching her.

"D-did you..." I stuttered.

She appeared to be studying my face, then followed my finger pointing at the screen. She looked back down, without a reaction, and went back to scrolling on her phone.

"Oh. That was me." She said flatly.

Huh.

Maya lounged sideways onto the couch lazily, not looking up from her phone. "Cause I saw that you were buying that prom stuff, but you ran out of time to get everything, so I bought it all for you. You're welcome."

My confusion slightly relieved, I went back to the screen and moved Caleb further to the left. The prom dresses were all lined up in a row. Next to them was a row of tuxedo tops and bottoms, then crowns, and after that were the sashes. Maya had thought I was collecting all of the exclusive items and bought them for me! My anxiety rushed out of me with a deep sigh.

Thank god. I... I thought she would think I was weird. That was really lucky!

"You owe me a lot of money for all of this. That crap was expensive," She added.

I frowned.

"I didn't ask you to get it for me..." I mumbled.

"Oh~ Then you don't mind if I take everything back then?" She teased.

I looked over what Maya had gotten for me. I couldn't help but imagine some girl wearing the dress, spinning as she radiated happy energy. That same happy energy that I had felt when I saw the dresses for the first time. Why couldn't I feel the same for everything else? I tried, I really did, but the tuxes just didn't give me the same feeling.

Lame.

Maya could have them back. But... The dresses. It would be so weird for me to take the dresses, but leave the things I didn't want. But I couldn't even do anything with them.

"I'll keep them." I muttered finally.

I can look at them, I guess...

"Okay, cool. Doesn't bother me."

I went to work, making Caleb pick the items up off the ground one by one and stuffing them in his pockets.

"So, kid," Maya started. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm playing the game."

"You can do both! It's just some questions. It's not even that distracting, really." She said.

"Mmmhm..." I replied, focusing back on the game.

"Okay. Gimme one sec." She said, going silent as she rapidly tapped away on her phone. The notifications rattled off as she continued messaging... who ever she was talking to. I went back to the game, since she seemed busy at the moment. I continued to pick things up off the ground until Maya was ready, moving Caleb back to his little house.

As I moved him over to his brown dresser at the foot of his bed, Maya loudly cleared her throat to get my attention.

"What?!" I snapped at her with irritation. I really wanted to unwind from all that happened today, and Maya was not making that easy.

"Hey! No need to catch an attitude-" Maya suddenly stopped yelling at me and took a deep breath in and out. "Sorry. I know I'm being annoying. Just a few questions and I'll leave you alone."

"...Fine. The faster, the better I guess."

"Great! Great. Uh, sooo... first of all, I'm joining a club at school!" She said excitedly.

I paused and looked back at her. "Okay... and?"

"Um, hello? This is a big deal for me! It's gonna cut into my cosplay time, but it's really important."

"Hm... That's true, I guess..." Maya loves her cosplay stuff. She doesn't really do anything else besides that. Maya, mom, and my aunt would all go shopping together pretty often to find things that Maya can workshop into new outfits.

I wish I was still allowed to go...

I felt a hint of jealousy rise in my chest at the thought. When I was little, mom used to take me with them when they went shopping. My dad immediately put a stop to that ever since...

"Hey! Did you hear me?" Maya snapped me out of my daydream. She bopped me on the head with her little book.

"Ah! What?!" I yelled at her, irritated.

"I said, I might need you help with some club stuff later."

"Aaauugh..." I threw my hands up in the air in frustration.

"Okay, okay, I hear you! Just the questions then!" Maya shouted.

I glared back at her for a moment, before focusing on the game again. I watched the screen as Caleb moved the clothes into the dresser. First, I sorted the crowns into the area with all of my hats.

I heard Maya take another deep breath in, then she started with, "Do you remember when we were watching that tv show a couple of years ago? The uh, one with the magical girls, I think?"

For a split second, I stopped moving entirely. Caleb stood in front of the dresser, waiting on me to keep shoving things inside it.

...Magical Girl Heartbeat?

"No." I answered immediately. I went back to arranging the prom king and queen crowns into place, then moved on to put away the sashes in the accessories section.

"Y'know the one! I think it was called... Magical Girl Heartbeat? Remember that? We watched it a lot back in the day!" She said happily.

"...No." I lied.

"C'mon!" Maya insisted. "It was during the episode when Patisserie Pink joined the bad guys!"

My eyes squeezed shut.

"No. I don't."

"Remember the ending? When she turned her back on her best friend? You got soooooo excited! And then you went and told mom about it?"

"I don't!" I screamed, burying my head in my hands.

Of course I remember! I just never wanted to think about that day ever again!

When mom scolded me just for watching a tv show. When I talked to Maya and her friend after that happened. About all the things that girls got to do. And coming to the conclusion that I... I wanted to be a girl. The realization had my body shaking. I want to be a girl! But... I didn't know what to do about it. And when your little and confused and don't know what to do, you ask your parents about it, which is what I did.

I couldn't contain my anxiousness any longer. I stood up from my spot next to Maya and walked to our parents room. I immediately opened the door to my dad sitting on the edge of their bed as mom was looking in the mirror, getting ready for work.

"Hey Chief! What's going on?" Dad asked me as he smiled. A big, happy dad smile that cooled my nerves. So I gathered my courage, stepped in, and closed the door behind me.

"Um, I was wondering... C-can I be a girl?"

At my question, mom stopped combing her hair and spun around to face me. I couldn't tell what her expression was, but I knew it wasn't good.

Oh no...

My dad's smile slowly fell away as he sat there, then he shifted on the bed, a questioning gaze boring into me.

"What do you mean?" He tilted his head, peering at me through squinted eyes. It sounded like a question... but it didn't feel like one. I took a step back towards the door. 

This... feels like a mistake.

"Mom said I couldn't watch that show for girls," I told him, trying to explain my reasoning. "So, if I was a girl, then I wouldn't get in trouble for watching it, right?"

Mom's eyes looked like they were gonna pop out of their sockets, but that wasn't going to stop me from getting this off of my chest.

"And I can wear a s-skirt, like Maya can, right? And it would be okay to play with girls' toys, too. And-"

"Jerome." My dad said simply. I flinch. He only said my name, but... it feels dangerous when he says it. "This better be some type of joke."

I can't get the words out. I look to mom, then back to dad, unable to say anything. I look down, my eyes wandering sporadically, trying to think of something to say.

This was a mistake.

"You can't be a girl," My eyes snap to him at his statement.

"You are a boy." He says with finality. But I don't want to accept it. This can't be all this turns out to be. I open my mouth to protest-

"YOU ARE A BOY!" He barks at me.

His voice echoes off the walls of the bedroom and into my ears.

So, I... I can't...

"What did I tell you about crying, man..." My dad said, shaking his head. He stood up from the bed grabbed his phone, punching in some numbers. It rings a couple of times, then when it picks up, he begins talking. "Hey, X! What's up boss man! How's practice going? Listen-"

My mom walked up to me and gave me a hug. "Hey. How are you feeling?" She asked me. I smiled through my tears. At least mom was with me. "Ma, I think I want to be a girl. C-can you talk to dad? Please?" I begged her. I feel mom tense up. She pulled out of our hug and cupped my face with her hands.

"Jerome, listen to me."

No...

"You... can't be a girl. That's not possible. Just... try and forget about all this, okay?"

Mom gave my shoulders, what I assumed to be, a reassuring squeeze. "Don't talk about any of this with other people, okay? It would be... bad, if you do." With a kiss to the forehead, and a small smile, she let me go. "Remember, you are my son, and I will always love you. We're just trying to keep you safe." Mom said. She stood up and walked over to the mirror she was doing her makeup in and put the rest of her things in her purse.

Keep me safe? Safe from what?

"We're going to the park." Dad said, slipping his phone in his pocket as he turned to me. "And wipe your face, we told you about crying like that. Now come on."

Dad stepped past me, quickly opening the bedroom door and briskly walking down the hallway. I followed after him, not even bothering to wipe my tears away. Maya and her friend pretended to ignore us as we walked out the front door. I wanted to call out to them, To ask them if they also thought the same as our parents.

Neither dad or I said anything as we made the short, tense drive over to the park. We arrived to the sound of little children playfully shouting at the jungle gym. When we pulled into the parking lot, dad looked over to me, shook his head disapprovingly, and reached down in front of me to open the glove box. He pulled out some old napkins and handed them to me.

"What made you start talkin' about this nonsense about being a girl? He asked me. I took the napkins without looking at him. I almost didn't want to say anything. I had a feeling that anything I argued would be instantly tore down, but if he was going to listen, then I had to try.

"I don't know. I... feel more interested in what girls do, I guess?" Maya seemed to always enjoy what she was doing. Whether it be hanging out with her friend or finding ways to repurpose old clothes into a new outfit, she always looked happy doing it.

There was a time when she came out of her room wearing the floofiest skirt I had ever seen. It bounced with every step she took, and it swayed wildly when she swung her hips. She had the biggest smile on her face as she showed off her newest creation to me and mom. I didn't know what it was at the time, nut there was something burning in my chest when I saw it. Was I jealous? Maybe...

"Well... We can fix that mentality. C'mon." He pulled the handle to the door of his truck down and stepped outside. I already knew where this was going, but I still didn't like it.

We walked to the middle of the open field, where a man with dark skin and long dreaded hair stood with a couple of boys around my age. The man shouted commands at the boys in a deep voice as they tried their hardest to follow along without getting scolded. "Yo! X-man!" My dad called out to him as we walked up to the group. They pulled each other into one of those 'Man hugs' as they greeted each other.

"X, you remember my son, Jerome." Dad said, nudging me towards him.

"Of course! Lil' Jay! If you don't remember me, I'm Xavier. How's it going, young man?" The guy who I recognized as the football coach, thrust a hand out to me. I slowly grasped it, giving it a small, uncaring shake.

He looked down at my pathetic handshake and scowled. I knew what that meant. I furrowed my brow as I squeezed down on his hand with all my might and gave it a firm shake.

He smiled. "Now that's what I like to see! Give it some 'oomph' from the start next time."

Whatever...

After releasing my hand, Mr. Xavier grabbed the whistle hanging from the lanyard around his neck and blew into it three times in quick succession.

"Water break! Five minutes!" He yelled at the boys, then he turned back to my dad. "So, what's this about Jay?"

I stood next to them, listening to their conversation loosely. I happened to catch my dad saying he wanted to 'toughen me up' and 'give me something to do' during their talk. My eyes roamed over the field to the sidelines, where some of the boys were sitting and drinking some water. One of the taller boys was watching me, and when our eyes met, he waved me over. Tired of my dad talking about me like I wasn't even there, I slowly made my way over to him.

"Hey, I'm Malik," he said with a smile. "You joining the team?"

I didn't want to, but it looked like I was. Dad tried to get me to play football last year, but I'm kinda short compared to the boys my age. When mom saw one of the bigger guys spear me to the ground and knock the air out of my lungs, she pulled me out of practice and told dad that I wasn't playing until I was older.

"I guess I am..." I told him. He could tell that I wasn't to enthusiastic about it.

"Don't worry, man. It's hard work, but it's still fun! You get to hang with us!" Malik gestured to the other guys around him, grabbing their attention.

"I dunno..." One of the more muscular boys said. "He's a little small to be on a football team. He'll just get run over by anyone you put in front of him."

Before I could say anything to him. A hand rested on my shoulder. Looking to my left, I saw Mr. Xavier staring me down with a reassuring smile.

"So, your dad tells me that you want to join the team?" I scowled.

I... Yeah."

Whatever I have to say to get this day over with faster.

His smile wavered for a moment.

"I see. Well, come with me. I'm gonna show you some tips, then have you throw the ball with your dad for a bit, just to how it feels for you. You okay with that?"

I looked over to my dad standing out in the field by himself, then back to Mr. Xavier.

"Yeah. Okay." I tried to smile at Mr. Xavier. At least he was being nice to me.

After a couple of minutes of listening to passionate lectures on how to stand, throw, and catch the ball, my dad and I walked to the center of the field.

"Whenever you're ready." Dad said.

I held the ball like Mr. Xavier told me to, then dad took a couple of long strides away from me. The coach and the other boys stood on the sidelines, watching us. There were so many eyes on me in that moment, I couldn't help but be nervous.

J-just go for it!

I reeled back and tossed the ball as hard as I could. The ball didn't even get any airtime. Instead, it landed somewhere in between me and my dad as it embarrassingly spiked off the ground.

"Bro! What the hell was that!?"

"My man's don't know how to throw a football? Really?"

I felt my face heat up as the other boys laugh at my awful throwing skills.

A sharp whistle rung out over the boys' jeering. "That's enough!" Mr. Xavier shouted. "We all start from somewhere! The only thing that matters is wanting to improve yourself! So shut up, or you're going to spend the rest of practice running the field!" Everyone clams up at the threat to more unnecessary exercise.

"Alright. C'mon." Dad sighs. He jogs up to me, scooping the ball off the ground on the way, and hands it back to me. "Remember what you were told about how to throw the ball."

I nod. He then goes back to where he was standing before, ready for me to throw the ball again.

Before I try to throw it, I run through the instructions in my mind.

Hold it with both hands... Line up your fingers with the white stitching...

"Bro! Just throw the ball! It's not that hard!"

"Do it already! C'mon!"

"Why are you even here if you can't do something as easy as this?!"

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to be the center of attention. The longer I stood there, listening to their harassment, the more my frustration at my situation grew. Until...

I chucked the ball as hard as my anger would allow. It arced high into the air, wobbling sloppily as it flew over my dad's head. I hung my head low is shame as the chuckling at the side of the field began, when the coach blew into his whistle again.

"You, you, and you," he says, pointing to the boys that were laughing, "Go take a run, don't stop until I tell you to."

The boys argue in protest, but Xavier is having any of it. Pretty soon, most of the boys are off running around the edges of the field.

"Let's try again." I turn around, my dad suddenly by my side, holding the football out towards me.

"Daaaad..." I whine, "I don't want to do this anymore. I never..." I can't stop the stress from building up and overflowing. I feel the corners of my eyes glisten with fresh tears and a small sniffle escapes from my nose.

"STOP. CRYING!" He yells.

For the second time today, I flinch back at his voice. Everyone on the field turns to face us. The boys stop running and the other parents peer over to get a better look at the disturbance. Me embarrassment and anxiety are so bad at this point that I don't even notice that my tears had already started falling down my face. Mr. Xavier runs over to us soon after, directing us over to what looks like an equipment storage building.

"Why don't you take a break over there for a bit." He suggests. I look over to a pair of empty bleachers sitting under the shade of a tree and slowly make my way over to them. "Jay, let me tell you somethin' man..." Mr. Xavier takes my dad by the shoulder and guides him over the side of the storage building.

I'm so stupid...

Sitting down on the bleachers with my head hung low, alone with my thoughts, I come to realize that I shouldn't have said anything at all.

Of course you can't just be a girl! What the heck was I thinking?! AUGGHH! SO. DUMB!

"Hey, champ..." There's a voice, slightly shaking with hesitation, then the thump from the bleachers as my dad sits down next to me. "How are ya holdin' up?" He asks me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

...How am I holding up?!

My dad had refused to listen to what I had to say all day. And even though I had come to the decision that, yes, it was stupid of me to think I could just magically be a girl, I still didn't like that he had made me feel like an idiot. That I had cried so many times in front of him; because of him. That he had embarrassed me in front of people I don't even know. That he had the nerve to ask me if I'm alright, after everything that he had done to me today!

Fueled by raw emotion, my body had done something that I would have never done. My head snapped around as I looked him dead center in his face. A furious glare still stained with tears as I locked eyes with him. It sent him a message that did not need to be said, and I think he understood by how his hand flinched back, like he was afraid an animal might have taken a bite of his fingers if he held them there for too long.

I. Hate. You. And I hate what you tried to do to me.

"Ah. I see that you're a little upset..." He said, resting his hands in his lap. I stared at him for a moment as we both went silent, then looked down at the ground. We sat there, not saying anything, as the sounds of kids playing in the nearby park and the boys practicing on the field revolved around us. Dad suddenly stood up from his seat and brushed himself off.

"Let's head on home."

"Hmph."

Dad went over to say his goodbyes to Mr. Xavier on our way back to his truck. We didn't say anything to each other on the way back home, and we never bought up the stuff about me being a girl ever again. Because we didn't need to. I couldn't be a girl. And no one wanted to talk about that subject ever again. So I'll just ignore it; push it down into the deepest part of my mind and never think about it again. So that was what I was doing now.

I was leaned over, pressing my hands into my closed eyes.

Forget it... Forget it... Go back.

And I kept telling myself that.

That never happened. I'm... normal now. I can be normal if I just... forget. Bury it away in the back of my mind.

"Hey, kid..." Maya said, shaking my shoulder.

Huh?

I looked to the side at Maya, who was now sitting on the floor next to me, concern spread on her face. I blinked at her, confused.

Those questions were really annoying, huh? Sorry about that." She apologized, patting me on the back. "You can ignore all of that, okay? That was my mistake."

Her eyes snapped down to the phone in her hands as text messages started ringing out. She turned back to me and smiled. "Sorry about that! You can go back to your game now." She said as she stood up and walked down the hall to her room.