I’ve… I’ve done it.
The Dickest Grey of the seven (plus or minus one) seas here. Remember Andy? So I figured that even if I won’t be letting him close to the targeting and fire control systems any time soon, I should at least let the kid do some crafts, right?
“Like this?” {Oh, that looks really good!}
After five hours, we… we made adventurer roombas.
Glock roomba. (Warrior)
M16 DMR roomba. (Archer)
Leatherman roomba. (Rogue)
And my personal favorite: Claymore roomba. (Berserker)
Together, they make up the roomba adventuring team: The Four Horsemen.
Honestly, Andy is sort of a lowkey scary child. It’s like watching Marge, but as a child and playing with explosives and firearms.
… I taught him about gun safety, okay? It was the first thing he learned, okay? He even thinks keychains are too dangerous to yank on, okay? He’s a good kid with a sense of danger that most adults can only hope to have, I swear it!
The Four Horsemen are parked and waiting by the foot of one of the blast doors sealing off my forbidden parts—that may have come off weird…
“H-heeyy, Greyster, just a quick question—What in all the gods’ names are these?”
Ah. Right. Marge, Embro, and a bunch of marines are also behind the Four Horsemen. Marge is pointing at the roombas with a little bit of a worried look.
{You wouldn’t understand…}
“Ahaha! Kaminari-dono! Strange appearances besides, thank you for blessing us with four spirit guardians!”
S-spirit guardians, he says…
{A-anyway, let’s start the expedition!}
***
Ya girl Marge here. I’m not rea~lly sure if Grey’s little adventurer team’ll work out, but he’s really weird in the first place, and it’s not like these little golems’ll gain sentience and throw us all for a loop, right?
Aw, that’s a depressing memory, right there. Prayers to my comrades from Lab 17.
But—there’s no time to be depressed!
The blast doors swing wide open, and as expected, a flood of mimics come charging in—so, as expected, the marines let loose and it gets really loud really fast. I hope whoever invented the Hearing Protection spell gets a pay raise. Inventor is me.
It only takes a few seconds until the mini-horde is defeated.
“Splendid! Kaminari-dono’s men are admirably deadly!”
{Gee, thanks. Anyway, y’all should get going.}
“Why in a hurry, Kaminari-dono? I haven’t taken a stroll in a long time, so I must take my time!”
Just as the Emperor takes one tiny step past the blast door, I see a blur, and next thing I know, two halves of a mimic are flying past me!
S-scary!
“W-what was that!”
{The fuck, I didn’t see anything. Horsemen! Did you see anything?}
The roombas beep-bopped, turning left and right in small motions.
{Damn. Embro’s got skill.}
“Ahaha! You flatter me! Indeed, it appears that some of these creatures are pretending to be dead amidst their fallen kin. Oh how fun it is to tread in a field where an uncertain step spells death!”
Huh? Hey, he’s just going right in?! “Y-your H-h-hmmm-M-majesty! Don’t—”
He’s just casually cutting down everything in his way! G-gods of Freedom and Liberty, m-maybe I should just follow after him before he gets lost…
“Miss Marge! Don’t forget mee~”
Oh. Right. Liza’s here.
“Miss Marge! Don’t worry! You can lose an arm anytime you want—it’ll be fine!”
Bestiee, where’d you pick up such a weirdo…
***
I’ve been following behind the Emperor for a while now. Honestly, is there really anything for me to do?
See? Even the cleaning crew has stuff to do…
“Another one.” “Alright~”
The roar of a magical flamethrower erupts behind me. I don’t wanna watch. I’ll just get jelly…
Half of Greyster’s marines stayed behind to guard the entrance, while there’s a bunch of uncles following behind us with flamethrowers to make sure the mimics don’t pop up again. Oh, don’t worry, they don’t suck out the oxygen out of the air. It takes a little bit more magic to make it work that way, but I’m proud of my inventions anyway!
Well, besides that, I’m really bored. The Emperor’s making this really easy—too easy. This was supposed to be fun! I haven’t been in a labyrinth in a looong time, so I really thought I could unwind down here!
I mean, it’s not really a labyrinth, coz it’s Grey, but I don’t care!
Where’s my danger! Where’s my adventure! Gone! Gone I say!
“Oh? What’s this? Margarita-dono! It seems we have reached an impasse!”
Oh. Looks like we did.
About 20 yards away, there’s another one of those blast doors, but it’s one of those vertically-opening ones. Looks like it’s only propped open by a few inches, but the huge bulge in the middle’s stopping it from going up any further.
Huh, is something bumping against my foot—
“Hm? AH!” Grey, you bastard! “Don’t use the knife roomba to nudge me, damn it!” And I almost kicked it away, too!
The knife roomba stops moving, and at the same time, the other three all turn to face me, as if saying “Well, you think any of us nudging you’s any better!”
“F-fine, I get it! Haaa… So? What is it?”
I really wish I added like, speakers on them or something. It’s really inconvenient that Grey can’t directly talk to us, but y’know, whatever.
The four roombas all line up in front of me and the Emperor, then start rolling towards the blast door.
Oh? They’re going in? G-good luck! You can do it!
***
[Glock]: Beep boop bop. (Leatherman, scout ahead.)
[Leatherman]: Boop. (Got it.)
[Claymore]: Brrrrrrr.
[Glock]: Beep beep beep. (Reign it in, Claymore. You’re our trump card.)
[Claymore]: Boop. (Fine.)
[Leatherman]: Beereep. Bop beep beep. (I’m back! Two mimics ahead.)
[Glock]: Beep bop. Brrrrrr. (Oh perfect. Everyone, let’s go!)
Brrrr.
(Gunfire and stabbing)
[Glock]: Boooop. (Everyone, status report!)
[Leatherman]: Beep. (All fine!)
[M16]: Beep beereep bop bop. (One shot, 0.2 kills.)
[Claymore]: Brrrrrr.
(Gunshot)
[Glock]: Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep. (You know what insubordination gets you! Remember, we’re Dick’s spirit guardians—the Four Horsemen! You’ll get your chance, or it’s never at all. Got it?)
[Claymore]: Brr. Beep. (Whatever. Let’s go.)
Brrrr.
[Leatherman]: Brkk! (Stop!)
…
[Glock]: Bop. (What is it?)
[Leatherman]: Buweep boop beep beep. (I’m not sure, but I think there’s something ahead.)
[Glock]: Dwee bop bop. Beep beep, boop duuu beep. (Whatever it is, I’ll trust your judgement. Look, there’s a vent over there—Leatherman, help M16 get a vantage point!)
[Leatherman]: Beeeep. (On it!)
[M16]: Boop boop. (Rules of engagement?)
[Glock]: Beep boop bop bop. Brrr. (Hold fire and report what you see. Let’s go!)
Brrrr.
(Vent screen falls off)
Brrrr.
[Leatherman]: Brrr—brkk. Beep boop boop-bop-bop-bop. (H-hey what is t-t-that?!)
[Glock]: Buweee boop boop beep bop. (Phew, good thing M16 lased it, or else we wouldn’t have seen it!)
[Claymore]: Brrrr.
[Glock]: Beep-beep-beep-beep. (Not yet!)
[Claymore]: Brrrrrrrr.
[Glock]: Beeeep. (Idiot!)
…
[Hivemind Candidate]: …
(Gunfire and stabbing)
(Crushed plastic)
[Claymore]: Beep. Boop bop. Beep. Boop. Brr. (You… all of you… go on. Leave my dumb ass behind…)
[Glock]: Beep-beep-beep-beep. (Idiot! We’re a team! What are we gonna be, Three Horsemen?!)
[M16]: Bop. Beep-beep. (Go. I’ll give you covering fire.)
(Gunfire with feelings)
[Glock]: Beep-beep-beep—buwaa. (What? W-Whuh, Leatherman, what are you doing?!)
(Plastic bumping against plastic)
[Leatherman]: Beep boop bop. Boop bop bop. (We gotta let ’im go! If he doesn’t do this, we’re all screwed!)
[Claymore]: Boop boop boop. Brrrr. (You heard ’em. See ya.)
[Glock]: Bop. B-beeep. Boop bop-bop-bop. Brrrr. (Damn it! Leatherman, we’re retreating! M16, I better see you behind us!)
Brrrr.
[Hivemind Candidate]: (Angry placeholder hissing noises)
[Claymore]: Boop beep bop. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beeeep— (Why I’m not turning back with those bastards? Heh. Front toward enemy, bitch—)
(Ball bearings for days)
***
O-oh, w-wow, that’s a nasty explosion. “A-are they okay? Your M—M-majesty! What are you doing?!”
Why’s the Emperor kneeling! Are you praying?!
“O guardians above / O guardians below / Perish the enemy / Their champions fall”
You are! Wait, what’s that sound?
“Beep boop bop.”
Obviously, the first thing it’d try to do is try to ram into my leg with a blood-drenched knife! “Greeey! Staaahp!”
“Ohhh! My prayers are answered! How was it, spirit guardians-sama?”
That’s when we notice that there were only three of them.
“Then, that explosion…”
O-oh no, I shouldn’t have said anything! I made the roombas look like lost puppies! Nooo, don’t go awaaay, don’t be saaad.
“It may be as we fear. However…”
The Emperor draws his katana and cuts the blast door into pieces!
…
“Why’d we even let the roombas go in, huh?!”
“Ahaha, you never know!” His gaze sharpens. “But, Marge-kun, just now, I exhausted my energy in that attack. Of course, I recovered it in 0.3 seconds, however—that is also 0.3 seconds of weakness. Even an A-rank demon can fatally wound me in that brief window, don’t you agree?”
… W-what an expert, but…
“Uhh, s-sorry, Your Majesty, but what classification equivalent is an A-rank?”
“Un? Do you not use letter grades?”
“N-no, we moved to a numerical power grade system 5 years ago.”
“As expected of the Merikans. However, let us speak of this later. For now…”
W-what is this aura coming off of him?! It’s like a tsunami, but indoors!
He’s slowly drawing a second sword! Every inch is overflowing with magic! … There are things I shouldn’t say but have to, sometimes!
***
Well, we went in, but—heh, it’s dead, huh? There’s a lot of tentacles and stuff, kinda like what Sam described, but… it’s smaller than I thought?
“Marge-kun. It yet lives.”
Huh?
A bunch of tentacles shoot out to me—I don’t even have time to react!
“I’ve got this!” Woh, Liza, you’re still here!
… She took half the hits! Woman, are you still alive? Oh, she’s making a weird face. Guess she’s okay.
Still, there’s a bunch of tentacles heading straight for me!
“Marge-kun!”
The air in front of me flashes, and the tentacles explode into bits!
“Marge-kun! Contribute, or we will perish!”
I didn’t notice it, but the Emperor’s also getting scratched up! I thought he was really powerful, but—no way, he’s taking hits coz he has to think of protecting me?! S-shame on me!
I hate that the stakes got raised like this! But, if you insist… “Liza! Keep healing the Emperor! I’m bringing out the artillery!”
The ring on my finger flashes, and in front of me, a glow elongates. I take hold of two grips spaced an arm apart, and after a second, I can feel the full weight of the weapon.
Grey’s shown me some pretty neat stuff over the past couple of months, y’see. Now, this one’s… what’s it called?
… A minigun.
Oh, and also, magic exosuit, since my own body can’t actually take a Strengthening spell (I’m allergic to it).
Now—let’s goooo! I have more bullets than you have tentacles! Try it! Try and touch me now!
***
“Marge-kun.”
“Yes. I understand. I’ll repent for my sins until the next life. Sniffle.”
I-I think I overdid it. The walls and everything’s just… more hole than wall. At least we killed the thing, right?
“B-but Your Majesty is amazing!”
“Unn. I find my skill at dodging your attacks also quite praiseworthy, if I say so, myself.”
I did it agaaaain!
“I wonder—do you hate me so much, Marge-kun?”
I-I can’t do it! Imma cover my face with the floor! Shame! Shame upon me!
I think I heard someone sigh. It’s okay! I deserve this treatment!
“Marge-kun.”
No! Don’t look at me!
“Marge-kun, please stand. This might be Kaminari-dono’s true body.”
H-huh?
I look up, and lo and behold, there’s a capsule that looks like it could fit someone inside! It’s under all the deader-than-dead black-blooded meat chunks, though…
Knock knock. “Anyone in here? Ah, Miss Marge, Y-Your Highness, we, uh…” “Flamethrower duty.” “Flamethrower duty! Yeah!”
Oh! The cleaning crew! “Perfect! There, there, make all of that go away, quickly!”
“U-uh, sure, let’s—holy shit that’s a lot.” “Fuckin’ burn it all, dude.”
We let the cleaning crew do their job. I must say though, that looks really fun. “Hey, hey, can I try? Can I try?” I jump up and down to try and get their sympathy for this poor girl, but…
“Ah, sorry, miss. Cap Dick said, Oh, if Marge tries to use the flamethrowers, tell her she won’t be seeing her lab for a week—like that.”
Greeey, whyyyy? Guess I’ll just collapse to the floor again…
***
The gunk’s been cleaned off the capsule. The Emperor and I step up to the viewport and look inside, letting our curiosity about what Grey really looks like take over.
***
“GREEEY, YOU DIDN’T SAY YOU WERE A GIRL!” I’m so mad! W-well, I just sort of ended up marching straight to the Operations Room, but… Grrr!
{Huh? HUH? I’m not, though?!}
“Kaminari-dono, forgive me for gazing upon your true body for too long. I… I can truly rest my spirit…” “Your Majesty! Do not do that!”
Huh? Where’d the ninja come from?!
{I’m not a girl! I’m really not a girl! You guys, that ain’t me!}
“Grey! I’m so jealous of your legs!” They’re so nice! “And your ears! You’re an elf!”
{Wait. That seals the deal.}
“Huh? Your ears?”
{Well, that too, but—my legs. I lost my legs when I died.}
