Being small. 

  Being short.

    It is not something I have ever let stop me from being happy. I chose to live my life, and do what I love, without my size being in my way. No one bullied me for it, but I can’t lie and say I don’t have a complex related to my height. It has prevented mere from doing some things like being picked for basketball teams, or soccer teams, even when those were mandatory for Physical Education classes. Those were also chances for me to possibly gain friends. My lack of ability to participate in them properly, tied with my flirting tendencies when I was a kid, allowed me to only gain acquaintances, since not only was I different in personality but couldn’t even do mandatory things at average levels.

   I have always been against changing who I am to impress others, I was never going to be the sporty kind, and that was a choice, but the complex is there, and now I find that the reason for my complex was the only reason someone viewed me in a romantic light, and that person allowed so much pain to happen, pain that I played a key role in causing.

   Many times, my actions prevented me from having friends or ruined some of the friendships I had. And I have never been a fan of those who like people only due to the physical aspect, if I did, I would have become a jock to the best of my abilities, the moment my master presented me with the option of choosing my path in life. I know the physical aspect is important, but it being the only defining factor, will always be wrong in my eyes.

   The friends I do have, like me because of how I am, they don’t mind, or care how I look. But how long will that last? My flirty personality made me the weird one, and my unrelenting forceful shipping not only made me the weird one but ruined a friend’s life… Even with all the precautions I’ve taken now, is my current shipping approach and friendship approach, going to end in pain for others? I’m already the odd one out in my class… What if not all the girls take rejection as well as Mattari did? What if they blame my shipping attempts? What if their lives are ruined after? What if I can’t be there for them properly? Will they only see me as that one short kid that ruined their friendships?

…

   I walk away, and I know that no matter how much Mattari covers for me, I am in real trouble now. But I can’t just focus right now. The insecurities relating to my shipping have been slightly amped up when Shuzen came back into my life, and Yoen’s sudden appearance unearthed them fully, and her superficial reason for liking me, has brought my height complex up, due to the context in which it happened and what it caused.

   And so as I walk aimlessly lost in thought, I am interrupted by a voice...

- “You are not lost this time. Are you Nio-chan?!”

- “Sanagi?!”

…

   And so Sanagi and I found ourselves seating on a bench in the mall, filled with people walking around.

   While stuck in my thoughts, I stumbled into the mall close to the theater where my class is. I couldn’t tell you how I got here even if you paid me, must have walked here subconsciously. Now that I think about it…

- “What are the chances of stumbling in the same mall two times in a lifetime, eh Nio-chan?!”

- “Wouldn’t have expected it honestly.”

- “At least you didn’t bump into me this time. This time I spotted you!”

   Cheerful as ever, Sanagi seemed proud of this accomplishment, and even with all that happened, I couldn’t help but smile because of her.

- “Wait a minute, shouldn’t you be at school Sanagi?”

- “My school canceled classes today to give us time to buy materials to decorate the school for Earth Day. I’m not sure why they are doing it so early, but I don’t mind. And what about you Nio-chan? Shouldn’t you be in class as well?”

- “My teacher decided to take our class to the popular documentary, to learn stuff to prepare for Earth Day as well.”

- (Worried). “And what are you doing here… You didn’t get lost, right? I said it as a joke last time, but are you?”

- (Awkwardly trying to sound reassuring). “No, no… I was just lost in thought while walking and ended up here. Anyway, I’m sure you’re busy and I don’t want to get in the way of your shopping, so talk to you later ok.”

   As I rise and begin to walk away, Sanagi grabs my hand before I can leave, sending a tingle through my body, one I must eradicate.

- “Hold it right there, mister. Don’t think I’ve forgotten.”

- “What are you talking about Sanagi?”

- “We didn’t get to hang out on Valentine’s Day. When you asked that one time what my favorite chocolate was, I thought we were going to hang out on Valentine’s Day, but you didn’t come, and I couldn’t find you. Why was that?” (Dramatic intonation).

   She was purposely overdramatizing her feelings in her tone of voice, but I could tell she was, really looking forward to hanging out.

- “I’m, really sorry, something came up, and I ended up giving your chocolates to someone. I’m sorry. I planned on getting a replacement for White Day though, it’s not like I forgot!”

- “Hmph. (Pouts). I ended up having to eat the chocolates I got for you. And then you just call and talk like nothing happened? Aren’t we friends?” (Muffled speaking).

   I know it’s not the time, but can I just address the Sanagi pout? Oh my gosh, and I thought the Gita pout was adorable, this takes the cake. How can I grasp the seriousness of the situation, when I’m looking at such an adorable sight, it’s like all my insecurities and complexes just left me. You know that meme: “I just met her, but if anything happens to her, I’ll kill everyone in this room, and then myself”? Well, I just saw her doing this, and if something happens to her, I’ll kill… You get the idea… It’s like that, pouting Sanagi must be protected.

- “I’m sorry Sanagi. Please, how can I make this right by you? I’ll do anything!”

   I really tried to keep serious, and I felt like I wanted to appease her at that moment.

- “Ha-ha… Calm down, I’m not, really mad, you did call me that day though! (Smiles). Even if you didn’t address the lack of your presence during the day of love and friendship in your call." (Playful sadness).

- “How can I fix it?”

- “You did say anything!” (Smirks).

- “Oh-oh”

- “Since you are technically skipping school, and there are no teachers watching me…”

- “…”

- “How about we go on a date?”

- “…”

- “Hm?” (Smiles).

- “What…?”

…

   She meant a friendly date naturally…

…

{FLASHBACK}

- “What do you mean date? Friends don’t do that… That’s a thing for couples, isn’t it?!” (Worried).

- “Says who?”

{FLASHBACK END}

…

   And I simply couldn’t argue with that logic. My shipper brain made me forget the existence of friendly dates. They’re simply hangouts.

   Not caring what anyone thought of her, she grabbed my hand and forgot her task, taking me somewhere. When I tried to address our school duties, she said what was the point of being teenagers if we didn’t do stuff like this at least once? Thank goodness she isn’t the delinquent trope, but she is a social butterfly to a fault. I guess that what she experienced before based on what Fasshon told me, made her more concerned about her friends and how they feel than about school. Especially something like her task. Which makes me think… Did she know I was feeling down?

- “Don’t try this in real life kids…”

…

- “Uhhh… Brain freeze!”

- “Then maybe you shouldn’t drink your smoothie so fast Sanagi!” (Playful).

- “Where is the fun in drinking it so slow Gramps-chan?” (Playful).

- “Hahaha!”

   Honestly, this location would be great for interaction between one of the girls and John, preferably Kikken, I think that ship has gone stale after our trip to Puerto Rico. At least in terms of my helping her. Better take a short break to jot it in my notebook…

- “What’s up? Shipping idea?” (Smiling, while holding her head).

- “Yup… So anyway, where are we going after this!”

- “I’m glad you asked!”

…

- “Umm Sanagi, don’t you think we’re a little old to be playing in bouncy houses?”

- “I don’t see any age restrictions written anywhere Nio-chan!... Come on! Weee!” (Happy sounds).

<BOING, BOING, BOING>.

- “Bounce, bounce, bounce… Nio- chan! I’m going for it!”

- “Sanagi! NO! YOU CAN’T DO A CANNONBALL IN-”

- “WEEEE!”

<POP>

…

- “We’re, really sorry for this!”

- (Mutters under breath playfully) “Guess someone was heavy…”

- (Eerie calmness). “What are you implying Nio-chan… I do wonder!”

…

- “Nio-chan… I don’t think eating that many doughnuts can be healthy…” (Worried).

- “Don’t worry about it Sanagi, it doesn’t ‘munch, munch’, even affect me! ‘gulp’”

{Nio would come to have temporary diabetes in his thirties}.

…

   We were having lots of fun, lots of laughs. Even if we did pop that bouncy house (which was thankfully covered by the mall’s insurance) and got escorted out of the kid section premises (which should place an age range warning to prevent child-at-heart teenagers from barging in), I still had fun.

- “So, tell me Nio-chan… Why were you filling down earlier?”

   Called it. I knew she knew.

- “‘Sigh’. Is that why you asked to hang out?”

- “Only partly… I was truly miffed that I couldn’t hang out with you on Valentine’s Day. But I am curious… But I don’t want to impose!”

    As Sanagi waves her arms frantically, I ponder on asking her something my complex brought up due to what happened. Sharing things with Sanagi has been nothing but good in the past, only serving to bring us closer, just as my learning of her past through Fasshon connected me to her a bit. But it’s a question that would put our whole friendship from the moment we met to where we are now, into perspective.

- “Would you have befriended me if I had been taller?”

   Silly question I know… But after learning the only reason Yoen liked me is that I was small and “cute”, I just have to ask. Comparing Yoen to Sanagi, is like comparing night and day, Sanagi has been nothing but good to me. But she is, really fond of small and cute things, at least I believe she wouldn’t use the suffix “chan” with me if I had been taller back then. I just want to know…

- “Honestly… I don’t know…”

- “…I see…”

Figures… I guess I should just be happy we are, right?

- (Panicked). “But I didn’t mean it like that? It’s not like that is the only reason we’re friends ok!”

   My head snaps back to look her in the eyes.

- “You see, to answer, we must look at the context in which we met. But let's make this fun, let’s make this interactive… Under which circumstances did we meet?”

- “What am I a kid?”

- (Smiles)

- “Well, I was looking for my friends and I bumped into you…”

- “Yeah, and?”

- “And you and Fasshon decided to help me…”

- “There is something you are missing… Why did we choose to help you find them?”

- “… Because you thought I was a lost kid.”

- “Exactly, we even wanted to find your parents first. We thought you were a lost kid because of your short height. Now if you had been taller, we probably would have thought you were a teenager (like you were), would just have excused ourselves, and gone our separate ways. The fact that you were short is what provided the chance for us to become friends in the first place! And once you told us your real age, we had already talked enough and decided to hang out. Something that wouldn’t have happened if you had been taller from the start.”

   It all makes so much sense now. How stupid of me. In my insecurities and my complex, I forgot shipping basics. Friendships can be a lot like relationships. In a relationship, the physical aspect is often what draws you in, but healthy relationships stay because of the connections made, and the personality. For friendships to occur, there must be a trigger for the encounter or interaction, in our case, it was the confusion brought by due to my height, but in the end, it was a choice they made, it was Sanagi’s choice to stay.

- “I think there is some bigger context on why it is you asked this, but if it makes you feel better… If you suddenly had a growth spurt, and suddenly outgrew me and my friends, and everyone I know. I would still like you all the same..."

- "Really?"

- "Yes! Because we are friends, and your height won’t change that! Nor will it change your nickname… Let’s face it, you’ll be Nio-chan for life. As long as we’re friends, you’re Nio-chan!”

   I just couldn’t help it anymore. I hugged her. It may have been a simple answer, to a stupid question, but it helped so much. And the social butterfly that Sanagi is, couldn’t help but hug back. I was basically on her lap now.

- “Ok. this calls for a ‘Friendlyvension’.”
 
- “What’s that?”
 
- “An intervention by a friend!”
 
- “I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!”
 
- “I’m going to call Jinna, so she calls your school, and tells them you weren’t feeling ok, and you had to go!”
 
- “But that’s not what happened!” (Concerned).
 
- (Dead serious). “Emotional health is just as important, if not more important than physical health!”
 
- “I was just feeling down… It’s not like I was having a mental breakdown! You’re not listening, are you?” (Defeated).
 
- “Uhh… I know how I want to finish up this day!”
 
- “I hesitate to ask…”
 
- “LET’S ELOPE!” (Exited).
 
- “DO YOU EVEN HEAR YOURSELF!” (Girly screech).
 
 
…

 
   She was just exaggerating everything to make me smile. She was not playing stupid, she just filled my day with anime rom-com tropes on purpose to make me fill better. From calling a simple hangout, "a date" on purpose. To asking to elope at the end, tropes she knew I’d recognize and would make me smile. Because that’s the kind of girl she is, very caring to her friends. And it worked. We did skip though, after she did her shopping, Jinna showed up, telling me she had told the school I wasn’t feeling good. And after interrogating me for 5 whole minutes on whether it was John’s fault that I was feeling down, she took us to an inn where Sanagi decided she wanted to wrap up this day. When I found out I gave another girly screech, until I saw Sanagi’s grin which let me know it was another attempt at getting me to recognize rom-com anime tropes, in this case, the “sharing a room trope”. Thankfully it had two beds, even if it was one room, in Sanagi’s words, we were going to have a sleepover, with pajamas she materialized out of nowhere… The room was cheap, so after arguing, I paid, even if she wanted to.
 
   I must admit, she looks super cute in those pink pajamas, and a nightcap looks so much better on her than it ever will on John.
 
   I had so much fun. I enjoyed this day with Sanagi, I wish we had more like this, I want to be there for her when she is down, just like she was for me. Just me and her… Wait…
 

…
 

- “Hey Nio-chan, so it’s late, but what do you want to do now? The room has a T.V., there is a couple of card games I found on the drawers, and there is a spa down the hallway. And I’ll definitely, pay for that! So, what’s it going to be? Anime, card game, or spa?”
 

- (Breathing)
 
 
   Nio-chan is asleep… Just like that. On the floor, back against the bed.
 
   I suspected that Nio-chan felt lonely, and insecure when it came to his friends. I didn’t think it would be to that degree, or for his height to play a part in that, I suspect that there is some context I’m missing but it doesn’t matter. I truly believe Nio-chan will tell me one day.
 

- “…”

 
   As I look at Nio-chan’s sleeping form, I can’t help but look back to all the fun we had today. And how much I want to do it again. I loved every moment of it. I know it was partly to cheer him up, but I can’t help how happy it made me feel to spend this time with him, and I can’t imagine myself doing this with anyone else.

 
…
 

   I pretend to sleep. But I can’t sleep, the loud beating of my heart won’t let me. I feel as the room’s lights are turned off. And I hear the shuffling next to me and feel as a blanket is dropped on top of me. Slowly but surely, I feel a pair of arms hug my body from the side, raising it a bit, as Sanagi sits beside me while she hugs me, and places her head on top of mine. Her breathing, her warmth, her kindness, her joy, her personality her very presence… It causes my heart to raise. I have failed. The thoughts in the back of my head, the feeling at the core of my heart. The ones I have been fighting to destroy before they gain strength. As a shipper I recognize my feelings, I know I’ve had a crush on Sanagi for a while, but a crush, as I have said, is something I can destroy… But now… That feeling I absolutely can’t have. It is not for me, that is not the life I can have. I had accepted this… So why? Why? I tried so hard to stop these feelings from growing. SO, WHY AM I IN LOVE WITH CHO SANAGI!?
 

…

   As I hold him like this, so peaceful, so calm. I can’t help but nuzzle into him. His warmth, his silliness, his desire to bring others together through love, and even his insecurities. I want to be a part of every one of those moments. I want to be there for Nio-chan, I want him to be here for me. I want to hold him close to me always. I LOVE NIO-CHAN!
 
   I love Nio-chan! I love him so much. I want everyone to know. I want to tell Nio-chan right away. I’m so excited, but I want to find the perfect moment to tell him. Should I ask Nio-chan to create a scenario for me to get closer to him? Fufu… Wouldn’t that be a way to confess?! Sweet dreams Nio-chan! <3
 

…
 

   I have doomed myself. How could I fall in love with Sanagi? Especially since she doesn’t like me like that. Love is not for me, dang it. I’m going to ruin what I have with her; I just know it! Should I say her first name in an attempt to make her giddy, so she’ll stop hugging me and I can think? And maybe grow closer? Wait… What am I thinking, that’s not the objective!
 

- “Good night, Cho?” (Trembly statement like a question).
 
- “Hmm?” (Sleepy voice).
 
 
   Yes, it’s working!

 
- (Sleepy voice). “Nio-chan said my first name… Yay! Goodnight Nio-chan!”
 

DAGNAMIT

   If anything, she’s nuzzling into me even more. It’s too much. I’m a shipper, I bring others together. I can’t fall in love… I can’t… It’ll just fail…What can I do? I can’t suddenly distance myself, that’d have the same friendship-ruining result, and even be suspicious. All I know is, I can’t tell her. I can’t tell Cho I love her!
 

…
 

OH MY GOSH, IT’S HAPPENING. EVERYBODY IT’S HAPPENING!
 
   Well, anyways our Shipper protagonist is in quite a predicament. Falling in love when he believes romantic love is not for him and he should give up on it. All the while the girl he loves, not only loves him back but will not beat around the bush and is actively thinking of a good moment in which to confess. So, what will happen next? It seems we will leave it at that for now, as our Shipper continues his regular miss- WHAT? NO! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN NIO AND SANAGI YOU CAN’T JUS-
 
   Well, it seems we can’t forget our protagonist has a mission, to give chances to the girls to get closer to the object of their love, John, now reduced to a trio of suitors, who will Nio help next? Find out in “Protagonist is a Shipper” part 3. Can I go now?