“Miss Edwards? Miss Edwards?” Everyone glanced around at the assembled students. I sighed, trying desperately to finish up the worksheet I should have finished the night before. “Miss Samantha Edwards?” Look, she’s not here, I thought absently, writing my name on the top of the page. Just mark the stupid cow absent and move on with the…I glanced at the name I’d written.

“Here!” I raised my hand, sending my notebook flying.

“Are you sure?” The teacher stared at me from over his glasses disapprovingly.

“Um, yes, sir,” I nodded sheepishly.

“Next time you’re in my class and I call a name you believe might be yours; I’d appreciate your prompt response,” he admonished.

“Uh, yes. Yes, sir,” I stuttered, ignoring the snickers of the rest of the class. “Sorry, sir.” Great! I thought miserably. Now everyone knows I’m an idiot.

“Is this your notebook?” The girl in front of me whispered, holding my worn purple notebook. My mouth dropped open as I stared at her. The long brown hair. The deep green eyes. The pert nose and luscious lips. They were all the same! But no. It couldn’t be her. She cocked one immaculate eyebrow and glanced down at the notebook meaningfully then back up at me.

“I dropped it,” I muttered needlessly, reaching for the notebook.

“I noticed, yes,” she said. It was her. She had a beauty mark to the right of her eye. It was Alyssa Marchand, my high school crush, in the flesh. And she was sitting in front of me.

I had confessed to her thousands of times. In every conceivable location and time. I had been sincere, earnest, and concise as these sorts of things should be. She had turned me down every time. She had always fixed me with that look of derision I dreaded. Like I was less than a piece of dirt since at least worms needed dirt to survive. No one needed me.

Well, to be honest, I’d never actually confessed to her, but I’d played the scenario over in my head thousands of times like in those computer simulations where they decide whether Alexander the Great could have defeated an army of space bugs and each time had ended in frustration and regret. Now, here she was sitting in front of me, holding my notebook.

“Is there something on my face?” She touched her cheek. Oh, God! She was talking to me! What should I do? How did I respond?

I had to act cool and collected. I couldn’t say anything stupid or do anything suspicious. Be calm and cool. She didn’t recognize me yet, so I was safe. I’d changed my glasses out for contacts, grew my hair, and stopped wearing Nirvana T-shirts and ripped jeans. There was no way she’d recognize the well-bred young woman sitting confidently in front of her. I just had to maintain the façade.

“I like your pores,” I croaked, and my mind recoiled in horror. No! That was neither well-bred nor confidant. That was creepy as hell. What had my brain done to me? Why had it turned on me now of all times?

“O…k,” She cocked her head quizzically to the side. No! This wasn’t right! I could still fix things!

“I m-mean, your pores are so small, they’re s-subatomic...,” I flailed verbally, the dream collapsing. I stared at her in abject misery and horror.

“Is that all you want to say?” Alyssa whispered. NO! My mind screamed at me. I didn’t even want to say that! I wanted to say you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, and I want to do lewd things with you! I want you to marry me and let me have your babies! Instead, I glanced away in embarrassment and shrugged. “I…see…Uh…thank you.” She set the notebook down on my laptop since my fingers had forgotten how to work and had failed to take the thing from her.

“Did you have something to share with the class, Miss Edwards?” The teacher glowered at me over his glasses.

“N-No,” I stammered. The rest of the students’ snickering grew louder.

“Now, now,” the teacher settled the class. “We shouldn’t mock the afflicted.” I sat blinking dumbly in the harsh light of my own uselessness.

“Hey Aly, let’s go,” A man who was far prettier than I was said to Alyssa as class was ending. Of course she’d have a gorgeous boyfriend I thought miserably. She nodded and gathered up her material before getting to her feet. She glanced at me once and smiled faintly before following him out of the class. I sat still for a few long moments, trying to ignore the giggling of my classmates as they walked past me before finally rousing myself enough to sigh and throw my stuff haphazardly into my backpack.

“Sam! Wait up!” A familiar voice called from the hall behind me as I slumped toward the entrance of the building. I stopped and turned listlessly. “Oh, crap! What happened to you?”

“Alyssa,” I mumbled brokenly.

“The captain of the cheer team you had a monster crush on in high school?” The brunette girl asked. I nodded miserably. “What about her?”

“She goes to this college.”

“No way! What the hell are the chances of that?”

“Statistically, I’d say pretty much 100% since she sits in front of me in physics,” I moaned, shaking my head in misery.

“Ugh. That’s rough. Remember in sophomore year when you were going to confess to her and decided to trim your bangs yourself and accidentally shaved off half your right eyebrow?”

“For fuck’s sake, Maria! Why the hell would you bring that up?” I scowled.

“Because you already set the floor,” Maria put her arm around me and directed me toward the door. “Anything where you end up with both eyebrows is a win!”

“I told her she had subatomic pores,” I mumbled miserably.

“Ah…huh. That’s…that’s not ideal,” Maria shook her head. “Maybe she likes the socially awkward type, though.”

“I think her boyfriend may be in BTS.”

“Ouch!” Maria hissed. “Your luck sucks ass, munchkin. Come on, I’ll buy you a piece of pie.”

“Ok,” I nodded glumly, allowing Maria to guide me toward the door.

The long late summer days faded quickly into the dusky red, yellow, and orange blush of autumn. I learned virtually nothing in physics, given my attention was focused solely on the girl sitting in front of me.

I couldn’t begin to explain a single thing about how much kinetic energy a car traveling at 70 km/hour had but I could ace any question about the back of Alyssa’s head which may come up in the finals. My days were filled with thoughts of her, and my nights were spent fantasizing about her and both were tinged with misery.

“I can’t keep doing this to myself,” I moped, sitting in Maria’s dingy apartment after school chewing on an egg roll.

“Yeah, I hate to say it, but you need to either ride the lightning or ride the sybian,” Maria nodded.

“What the hell does that even mean?”

“I don’t know, I just thought it sounded kind of cool,” she admitted. “Anyway, let’s go out Saturday night to Eros. It’ll do you a world of good to enjoy a warm, safe environment with a thousand strangers where you end up blackout drunk. Forget her and come out with me!”

“Which boyfriend are you needing me to be cover for this time?” I scowled.

“Why do you say that like it happens all the time?” Maria gaped at me in horror.

“Because it does,” I countered, jabbing the end of my egg roll at her for emphasis.

“You wound me, madam!” Maria sniffed. “If it were happening this time, which I’m not saying it is! I’d say Chris is overly clingy. It’s time to move on to the next stage with Scott.”

“Why not just break up with this Chris person?” I would never understand Maria’s Pokémon-like obsession with collecting vapid, over-privileged man children.

“One must never burn one’s bridges lest one need to go back and pick up clothes one may have left at someone’s house by accident,” Maria waggled her finger at me sagely.

“That seems like oddly solid logic,” I had to admit. I shook my head in disapproval. Honestly, I hated going to clubs in the first place, and acting as some sort of built-in excuse in case one of her boyfriends happened to call was not my idea of fun. On the other hand, however, I didn’t have anything else to do. “I’d rather do it Friday.”

“No can do, I have to take my little sister to a going away party for her girlfriend, Aria, on Friday,” Maria shook her head. “They’re shipping her off to Japan or something.”

                “Ugh,” I groaned. “Fine. But do not try to pawn me off on any of your boyfriends’ friends this time.”

“Would I do that?” Maria glanced away innocently.

“You already tried! Twice!” I snapped, taking the eggroll out of her hands as a form of belated vengeance.

“Oh, yeah! I did!” Maria grinned infuriatingly at me. “But this time I won’t! This will be a ‘forget about Alyssa’ night to remember only!”

The ‘Forget About Alyssa’ night to remember turned out, predictably, nightmarish. Amid the cacophony of thumping music, shouted conversations and sweltering heat of hundreds of humans writhing and gyrating wildly I found it impossible to relax. Not to mention Maria and her Ken doll had gotten very drunk and were currently yelling at each other in a corner, giving me the opportunity to escape from the maelstrom.

I stepped out of the club and into the cool October air, sighing and stretching to try to relieve the stress going to clubs inevitably caused me. While a few errant stragglers were still curiously making their way inside, by and large I was by myself on the sidewalk. I grunted and stretched some more, trying to work the knot out of my neck which had developed concurrently with Maria’s Ken doll calling me by Sam all night. I didn’t like people I didn’t know calling me Sam. It seemed too friendly for my tastes and immediately set my nerves on edge.

I looked up at the silvery moon riding high above the nearby buildings and decided that all things considered, it was best to hire a ride back home on my own. Midnight was definitely my limit and I’d passed that limit forty minutes ago. I’ll text Maria and let her know, I decided.

“It’s time for you to either put up or shut up! Just do it!” A loud, angry voice called from around the south corner of the building. I could hear another voice responding to this but couldn’t be certain what they said.

No, I thought to myself. You are not going to get involved. Drunk people are not fun to get tangled up with, and this guy sounded like a complete ass. I’m going to text Maria, rent a car and go home to drink water, eat grapes, and watch tv. Not going to get…

“That’s it! I’m done with this stupidity! You’ve wasted my time! We’re going home right now!”

“Don’t touch me!” A feminine voice screamed. I sagged, phone in my hand. Dammit, I sighed. Maria was absolutely right; my luck did suck ass. Pocketing my phone I grabbed the can of mace from my purse and rushed toward the ruckus. I would solve this, make the people screaming at each other separate and think things over, maybe even mace someone provided they deserved it and the can of mace actually worked, and then go home. The plan was fool proof.

Much to my surprise and horror I rounded the corner to find Alyssa slumped on her knees beside the building, angrily trying to stay put while her boyfriend tried to pull her upright. In that moment I finally realized what the term “seeing red” actually entailed. I was neither in shape nor trained in any sort of self-defense or martial art, but my body had already begun to move on its own, a ferocious beast out for blood.

“Don’t touch her!” I screamed, inserting myself between them and kicking wildly at the man. In every YouTube video I’d seen the person contacted the assailant’s genitals with ferocious accuracy. My kick sort of brushed against his leg impotently in a clear sign of life not imitating art. The internet, once again, had failed me. He stepped back in surprise and blinked at me. “I will kill you if you touch her!” I held the can of mace protectively in front of me, realizing absently the mace most likely couldn’t kill anyone but needing to sound tough regardless. Surprisingly his face broke into a wide grin and he shook his head.

“This works better,” he shrugged. “I’m leaving her in your care. Get home safe, sis.”

I cocked my head at his retreating back. Was it possible I was even more fierce than I could have ever imagined? Was I some sort of primeval force of nature to be reckoned with? I had scared him off! That’s right! I am woman, I thought insanely, hear me roar! Wait…sis? What the hell? I made certain he was gone before I turned to Alyssa.

“A-Are you ok?” I asked, looking for signs of wounds or other trauma. Other than her only having one shoe on, she seemed unharmed. Desperate to help with anything I looked around, finally locating her shoe a short distance away. I quickly retrieved it and returned a moment later, holding it out to her with hands shaking from a combination of nervousness and adrenaline. “I-I, uh, I f-found your shoe.” Alyssa looked up at me for a long moment before slumping, her head hanging dejectedly. A second later she burst into tears, her shoulders shaking miserably.

“I’m so s-sorry! I-I should have come sooner!” I should have protected her. Instead I was too slow and now she was traumatized. For no good reason I felt tears well up in my eyes and soon I was sobbing as well.

“W-Why?” Alyssa finally sobbed, not looking up at me, her tears falling onto her hands.

“W-Well, I was going to call an Uber and then I heard someone, and I should have come then but I’m not very brave and I waited and then when I saw what was happening, I should have used the mace, but I’ve never used it before and I was so mad and panicky that I didn’t think,” I rambled through my own sobbing. I clenched Alyssa’s shoe in my hands.

“Why didn’t you come to me before?” Alyssa looked up at me, her deep green eyes swimming with tears.

“Huh?” I blinked at her. “Well, like I s-said, I’m a coward and didn’t know what to…” I sagged in defeat. She was right, I’d failed her. “I’m sorry, I suck as a human and am incapable of rational thought.”

“D-Do you care for me?” Alyssa asked, her lip trembling.

“O-Of course I do! I mean…who wouldn’t, right? L-Like totally besties! Ah ha ha haaa,” I looked away hoping she wouldn’t press the issue.

“Is that all you want to say?” Alyssa said just as she had in class. She looked up at me and I melted. The situation couldn’t be saved. I was done for. It was better to just tear the band-aid off than drag out the pain.

“I’ve loved you since I met you in high school,” I admitted with a sigh. I knew she wouldn’t ever talk to me again, but sometimes I guess it was better to have loved and made a fool of yourself than to sit behind the object of your desire and study her hair like a creeper. Of course, the possibility existed I would be branded a lesbian and become the target of scorn and derision and awkward looks in the gym but fuck it. I bought the ticket, now, so I’d have to take the ride. “I’ll change classes and won’t bother you again.” I sighed and held out her shoe to her. “I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“I’m the coward,” Alyssa said, taking my hand in hers and ignoring the shoe. I stared down at the hand being held dumbstruck, the wind blew playfully through the sudden vast gap which had opened up between my ears. “I finally got the courage to have my brother bring me tonight since I knew you’d be here and I’m too big of a coward to say anything at school. I was going to ask you to dance and maybe we could get to know each other better afterward but…I chickened out at the last minute.”

“Huh?”

“I’ve been in love with you for years,” Alyssa said quietly. “I hoped you were going to ask me out in high school, and I waited and waited, afraid to do it first. But you never did. I figured since you wouldn’t then I would, but I couldn’t get over my own fear. Then high school was over, and we ended up being in the same class in college, but I couldn’t even do it, then.”

“I’m very confused,” I admitted. Everything she said couldn’t be real, right? I was dreaming. I had to be. And that guy was her brother? What? What was happening? Alyssa climbed to her feet and looked at me. I stared down dumbly at our hands then back up at her.

“W-Will you go out with m-me?” Alyssa asked nervously.

“L-Like to Starbuck’s, right?” I managed. She couldn’t mean what I think I thought I heard her say, right? I saw her steel her nerve and she leaned forward, her lips brushing against mine softly. I couldn’t be sure, but I think I heard angels singing in the back of the alley. I figured at this point I could die happy.

“There and everywhere else. I love you, Sam. Will you be my girlfriend?” Alyssa captured her lower lip nervously and stared at me in anticipation. This was far too amazing to be real. I slapped my face with my free hand and was surprised when it hurt. Even if it was a hyper realistic dream with actual pain, I wouldn’t pass this chance up.

“I will if you’ll have me.” I was drawn into her embrace, and I wrapped my arms around her in awe. “I love you, Alyssa,” I breathed, afraid to close my eyes in case she vanished.

“After so long,” she murmured. “I love you, too, Samantha.”