Red Team is standing together waiting for the Blues to respond to Sarge.

"No way this bluff is going to work." Grif says.

Ash holds up a remote. "If it doesn't, I have plan B ready."

Sarge looks at Grif. "Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie." He looks to Ash. "Be ready with that button." Ash nods and Sarge looks to the Blues. "There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo."

Simmons turns to Ash. "What happens if you press that button?"

Ash laughs evilly. "A bright white flash and." Ash makes an explosion sound. "Everything within a 30 mile radius ceases to exist!" He laughs.

Simmons and Grif take a step back from Ash.

"What're your terms?!" Church yells to Sarge.

"Our what?" Grif asks.

"I can't believe this is actually working." Simmons says.

Ash gets sad. "And it sucks."

"See if you can get Lopez back, Sarge." Simmons says to Sarge.

"Oh, yeah! 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog." Grif motions to Ash. "Cause Mr. 'Let me try to fix it.' here made it worse."

"Ooh, ooh, Sarge!" Donut speaks up. "Tell them we want the flag."

"Yeah," Grif agrees. "And some cake!"

"Ooh... Wait, wait, Sarge, just the cake."

"Alright, Blues!" Sarge yells to them. "First off! We want your flag-"

"Wait, just a sec." Ash speaks up. "The last time we took the flag, that Freelancer lady showed up." He then mumbles to himself. "She did seem familiar." 

"-To stay right where it is! Keep the flag!"

Grif looks to Ash. "Freelancer? What's that?"

Ash shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know. I just somehow knew she was that."

Sarge continues negotiating. "But we do want our mechanized droid guy back! You may know him as Senor El Roboto! And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!"

"Uh..." Church tartss. "Uh, he's not here any more!" Church yells to Sarge.

Tucker then speaks up. "Yeah, he left! He was all like 'Sayonara!' and then he just took off!!"

"Hey, Reds! How about a medic? Would you take a medic as a hostage?"

"Yeah. that sounds pretty good to me." Simmons says to Sarge.

Grif looks at Simmons. "I don't know, I think we can hold out for more."

"We don't have any bullets, dumbass."

"We do have a bomb." Ash speaks up.

"That I would rather not go off."

"Right." Grif turns to Sarge. "Take the medic. The medic's a good deal."

"But-but..." Ash sighs. "No one ever lets me use my weapons."

"Okay!" Church yells to the Red. "We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get?"

"You?" Simmons yells. "You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!"

"We've already got that!" Tucker yells. "What else do you have?!"

"What do you want?!" Sarge questions.

"How about if you admit that the Red Team sucks?!" Church yells.

"I'm gonna blow everyone up." Ash says.

"No, no, wait." Sarge says to him, then he looks to the Blues. "What if we admit that one of us sucks?"

"NICE!" Grif says. "Wait, you mean Donut, right?"

TWO HOURS LATER

"Okay, then! We agree to the terms?" Church yells to the Reds. "You first, and then we send over the medic!"

Grif is in the middle of the Reds and Blues.

"Get on with it, Grif." Sarge orders Grif.

A click is heard from Ash's helmet.

Grif groans.  "I would just like to let everyone know that I suck!"

"And?" Church says.

"And that I'm a girl."

"What else?"

"And I like ribbons in my hair. And I want to kiss all the boys."

Sarge turns to Simmons and Ash. "This may be the best surrender of all time." 

Another click is heard from Ash's helmet. "And I recorded it."

"You're a good soldier, Ash." Sarge compliments Ash. "Send me the clip later." Ash nods.

Simmons turns to the Blues. "Okay, is that good enough?"

"Yeah!" Church yells.

Grif heads back to his team and Doc runs up to them.

"Man, I really hope you're worth this." Grif says to Doc.

"Can I ask you a question?" Doc asks. "Do they put something in the water here?"

"Water? We ran out of water six months ago."

"No water? Then what do you drink?"

"Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce. Gravy. The usual."

"Milk." Ash says.

Simmons turns to Ash. "Aren't you lactose intolerant?"

Ash turns to Simmons. "Some days are hard."

Sarge walks over to Grif and Doc.

"I only drink the blood of my enemies." Sarge informs Doc. "And occasionally a strawberry Yoo-hoo."

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06-27-2022