At Red base, Sarge and Ash are standing in front of two robots. One blue and one black.

Simmons walks over to the two. "How's it going, sir?" He asks Sarge.

"Great!" Sarge says. "With these new color-coded instructions, building robots has never been easier! Now all the thousands of mistakes I've made in my previous efforts seem laughably obvious!" He laughs.  "Uh, except for you, Simmons! No mistakes there!"

"Yeah, I didn't think so, sir. You're great at this. Even without any formal training, or first-party certification!"

"I could build a massive robot with a machine gun on one hand and rockets on the other." Ash says.

Simmons shoots himself in the foot.

"Son, did you just shoot yourself in the foot?" Sarge asks.

"Yeah..." Simmons says. "I do that now sometimes. I'm not really sure why."

"I'm sure it's user error!"

Grif walks up the ramp. "Hey, guys, it's almost time. Are the robots ready yet?"

"Just puttin' on the finish' touches!" Sarge tells Grif as he walks over to the group. "Gentlemen! Allow me to introduce:" He motions to the black one. "Francisco Montegue Zanzibar!" Sarge then motions to the Blue one. "And this one over here is Robot Number 2."

Grif looks to the Blue robot. "Why didn't this one get a fancy name?"

"Let's just say somebody has an over-clocked ass-back chip and rejected all the names I came up with!"

In silence. "Stick it. You're not my real dad." The blue robot says in silence.

Sarge continues. "That's okay. I can even use it to my advantage! I made some special modifications on Numero Dos! Check it out:" He looks to number 2. "Robot Number 2! CODEWORD....dirtbag."

Number 2 beeps. "Eep!" It moves over to Grif and smacks him then returns to it's original position.

"OW!" Grif yells. "HEY!"

"Hehehe." Sarge chuckles "Pretty nifty, huh?"

"That's awesome, sir." Simmons says.

"I came up with the idea!" Ash says. 

"Lemme try, lemme try!" Simmons says and he clears his throat. "Codeword: dirtbag!"

Number 2 beeps. "Eep!" It goes over to Grif and smacks him

"Ow!" Grif yells.

Ash laughs. "Codeword: Dirtbag!"

Number 2 beeps. "Eep!" It goes over to Grif and smacks him

"Ow!" Grif yells again. "Okay, fine! Two can play at this game! Codeword: dirtbag!"

Number 2 beeps. "Eep!" It goes over to Grif and smacks him

"Aw, son of a bitch." Grif says.

"But that's not the only special feature!"

"What do you mean, sir!" Simmons asks

"Well, I don't wanna give anything away, but let's just say, for instance, that one of the robots contains a hidden microphone that will allow us to eavesdrop on the Blues whenever we want! And let's just suppose, shall we, that the other robot contains a ten-megaton bomb that Ash built!" Sarge laughs. "I guess I kinda gave it away."

"Yeah, you kinda did." Grif says.

A little later

Red team, plus the two robots, are waiting in the middle of the canyon.

Grif turns to Simmons. "You think they'll show up?"

Simmons turns to him. "Well, my gut says no, but then again my gut's made of advance polymer, and it doesn't know what the hell it's talking about."

Ash turns to them. "My gut tells me to build a weapon that vaporizes people into ash!" Grif and Simmons stare at him. "My shoulder hurts." Ash turns away.

"Great Caesar's toast!" Sarge yells. "Looks like they've brought out the heavy artillery!"

They look to the side and see Lopez and the Tank. Then they look in front of them and see the Blues with Donut.

"Ah-ha." Sarge says. "They're linin' up in flanking formation. Those blue jackals! Keep your eyes peeled, fellas! This could get ugly."

"I've got my detonator." Ash says.

"Good, might have to fall back to Plan B." Sarge says.

"I don't like the sound of Plan B." Grif says.

Tucker walks forward a little.  "Hello, everyone! We're here to surrender! And this time we would like to ask for one representative/prisoner from each group to cross sides!"

Grif looks towards Lopez. "Hey! I think I see Lopez over there!"

Lopez starts speaking in Spanish.

"Yup that's him." Grif says.

Donut heads towards the reds and stops in the middle of the triangle

"Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Bun!" Caboose yells to Grif. "I will always remember your buttery goodness!"

"Look, they're releasing Donut." Simmons points out.

"C'min, Francis X!" Sarge yells. "Front and center!"

The black robot heads towards Donut, But Lopez Meets up with them and Aims his gun at Francis.

"What the- It IS a double cross! Donut, Frankie Zan! Get back here!" Sarge yells.

"No!" Tucker yells. "Stay where you are! Do not go back!"

"Now the Blues are aiming at each other? What the hell's going on?" Simmons asks in confusion. 

"We've been outmaneuvered, Men!" Sarge yells. "Take cover, I'm callin' in an airstrike." Sarge turns on his radio. "Red Command, come in! This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One! Do you read me?"

Ash turns to Grif and Simmons. "Why are we doing this again?"

"Cause we need Lopez back?" Simmons says.

Ash looks towards the middle of the canyon then back to the two. "But, do we really need, Donut back?"

"I wonder that myself." Grif says.

Suddenly Simmons starts to make Fax machine noises. Then paper starts to come out of his ass. "Whoa! Mm- excuse me. Man, it must've been something I ate."

"Hey, Simmons." Grif says. "Why is there paper coming out of your ass?"

"Wow. That's interesting." Ash says. 

"Wait! Vic!" Sarge yells. "Red Command! Come in, I need you!" Sarge turns to the three. "Simmons, Grif, Ash, we're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!" He pumps his shotgun.

"Wait!" Grif yells. "I think today is actually a good day to retreat! Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?"

"Yeah, let's all take dying as an open-action item and come back with suggestions next meeting!"

Ash reloads his DRM. "But, I've got plans next week!"

"It has to be today!" Sarge yells. "For our ancestors! YAAAHHHH!"

Sarge runs forward yelling.

"Wait, everyone!" Tucker yells. "Stop fighting! It's all a lie! Red is Blue! Blue is Red, it's all the same!"

Ash start yelling and firing into the sky, Sarge is imitating machine gun fire. People are yelling. Caboose yells.

"Quiet, Sarge! Ash!" Simmons yells. "We can't hear what that guy's yelling!"

"I love blood and violence!" Sarge yells.

"I'm gonna blow everyone up and turn them to ash!" Ash yells and he reloads his DMR.

"I've got a boner for murder!" Sarge yells.

"What did you say Blue!" Simmons yells.

Suddenly a rocket hits Tucker and he goes flying. Doc driving a purple thing goes by.

Ash and Sarge look at it.

"What the hell is that?" Sarge asks.

"What the hell is that!" Ash yells. "Can I have one!"

"Oh, my God. It's the cave devil!" Donut yells. "Run for your lives!"

The middle group starts to run in random directions. Ash ducks as a rocket flies over his head.

"Oops! Sorry about the big explosion!" Doc yells. "Sorry it wasn't bigger! Muahahahaha!" O'Malley yells."

Doc drives towards everyone.

"Wait a minute!" Church says. "I'd know that laugh anywhere, that's O'Malley!"

Everyone scatters as another rocket lands near them.

Ash is laughing as he fires in random directions. "I love chaos!" A rocket hits him and he's sent flying. "AHHH!" 

Ash lands next to Grif and Sarge as they both are hiding behind a rock.

Sarge turns to Grif. "Grif, we're going to die." Ash gets back up and he looks around and falls over again. "I'm glad we got these last few moments to make amends. My only hope is that I die before you so that I don't like through the horror of losing a man on the battlefield."

Ash gets back up and shakes his head.

"Yeah." Grifs begins. "I hope you die first too, Sarge."

"I'm okay." Ash says.

Sarge turns to Ash. "Finally you got here, private. You almost missed me dying again! What did I tell you!"

"To not miss you die?" Ash asks.

Sarge turns to Grif. "At least Ash, can remember things. Why can't you, Grif."

Suddenly all the chaos stops and O'Malley Laughs Manically. 

"Help! He took Lopez!" Shelia yells.

The reds look to their base and see Doc and Lopez on top.

"Here I am, you fools!" O'Malley yells.

"That guy's wicked fast!" Donut says.

"Thanks, I lettered in track in high school!" Doc yells. "It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!"

"Track sucks." Grif yells.

"You suck!" O'Malley yells. "And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me...look out!"

"You're insane!" Ash yells.

"You're the insane one, Weapons Guy!" O'Malley yells. "The universe will be mine!" He laughs manically.

"Lopez! No!" Shelia yells.

Doc and Lopez go into the portal.

"Everyone, hold your fire! We're coming out!" Church yells. "Truce! Time out!"

Church and Caboose run over to the reds.

"Would someone explain what just happened here?" Grif asks.

"That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez." Church explains.

"But we need Lopez for a very specific reason that we don't have to explain to you!" Sarge says. "We have to get him back!"

"Yeah, and we need to get the evil guy back." Church says. "He's the only one around here that can heal Tucker."

Sheila drives up to the ground.

"So now we're forced to work together. How Ironic." Grif says.

"No, that's not ironic." Simmons says to Grif. "Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other."

"It's my worst nightmare!" Ash yells.

Donut speaks up. "No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnaps him!"

"It would be ironic if I blew everyone up." Ash says.

"I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds." Sarge says.

Caboose speaks up. "I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron."

Two Hours later

Everyone is gathered up on Red base.

"Okay. We all agree that while the situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together is odd in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances." Church says. "Is everybody happy with that?" 

"Yes." Sarge says. 

Simmons walks over. "And I just finished reprogramming our teleporter to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates."

"We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon." Sarge says. "Our man will be Donut."

Caboose speaks up. "We will leave Corporal Croissandwhich!"

"Caboose." Church gets his attention.

"Then we will leave Sheila." Caboose says.

"Yeah, thanks, guys, because, you know, if this is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own." Donut says.

"Alright, We're going to do this one at a time then." Church says and he looks to Sarge. "You first, Sarge."

"Today seems like a good day to teleport." Sarge runs over to the telporter. "Geronimo!"

Caboose runs over to the teleporter. "Paskataway!"

Simmons looks back at the base. "Hmm..."

Grif turns to Simmons. "What's wrong?"

"I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again."

"And that's a bad thing?" Asks Grif.

"Oh, I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird." Simmons turns to the teleporter and goes in.

"Well, I'm actually gonna miss this place." Ash says as he goes though the teleporter.

Ash lands in the middle of a a valley in the mountains.

"What the hell?" Ash says as he looks around. "Am I dead? .... If I'm dead where's all my experimental guns!" Ash looks around again. "Anyone! .... Well shit. Whose' gonna call me insane and nearly die to my experiments now?"

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Season 3 might be a little short since I'm probably only gonna do scenes where Ash would be in.