"Sarge!" Simmons says. "Finally! I need to tell you what the blues are planning."

Ash is right of Grif with his DMR.

"I thought I told you idiots not to let this traitorous scumbag in the base!" Sarge yells at Grif and Ash.

"Good to see you too, sir." Simmons says.

"We didn't let him in the base." Grif informs Sarge.

"He's standing right here." Sarge says

"Well obviously, he penetrated the defensive protocol that me and Private Donut established.....after me and Donut stop Ash from killing him." Grif says.

"Defense protocol?" Simmons asks as he looks at Grif. "You asked me what the password was."

"And you knew it."

"I guessed it." Simmons then looks to Sarge. "By the way, the password was 'password.'"

"Yeah, in hindsight, that's not the best password." Ash adds in.

"Diabolical." Sarge says.

Simmons turns to Grif. "A password should contain at least one number and one letter. For example, your password would be '2dumb2live' and Ash's would be 'insane4life'"

"Excellent burn!"

Simmons turns to Sarge. "Thank you, sir."

"Traitor." Sarge informs. 

"Dammit."

"Grif's stupidity and Ash's insanity aside, I'm not speaking with you until we punish your insubordination and treason."

"How about I just trade you the information that I learned from the blues?"

"No!" Sarge starts. "We have to have a trail. Right here, right now."

"What?" Simmons is confused. "We don't even have a judge."

"Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years."

"I wonder what my civilian life was like?" Ash says to himself.

"What level? Municipal? Federal?" Grif asks Sarge.

"Livestock." Sarge states. "And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason or best in breed."

"I don't recognize the authority of this court." Simmons says.

"No one cares what a convicted criminal thinks."

"But aren't I innocent until you prove me guilty?"

"Nonsense! Why would we waste time having trials for innocent people?" Sarge asks. "That would be a waste of resources."

"But I'm not guilty until you hold a trial and convict me." Simmons explains. 

"So you admit it's a forgone conclusion!"

"No. Wait! I mean no? Yes. No, that was right. I think."

Okay." Grif begins. "This is officially more boring than any of the other times I've been to court. Permission to sigh and walk away, sir?"

"Permission denied. If you leave, Simmons won't have anybody to defend him." Sarge informs Grif.

"Oh, oh, can I be the plaintiff?" Ash asks.

"Permission granted." Sarge says. 

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa." Simmons begins. "Wh-wait a second. I prefer to defend myself and Ash is totally biased!"

"I knew you'd say that." Sarge says. "And as the old saying goes, a person who chooses to defend himself has a fool for a lawyer." Sarge looks at Grif. "And that fool is Grif."

"Who is the prosecution?" Grif asks Sarge.

"Why, I am, of Course!" Sarge informs. 

"You're the judge *and* the prosecutor?" Simmons asks. "That's a conflict of interest!"

"I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection."
(Objection Hersey)

"Uhhhh..." Grif thinks for a second. "We'd like to enter a plea.

"What?" Simmons is confused.

"Look. It's only a matter of time before Donut finds out we're having this trial."

"I'm listening..." Sarge says.

"Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, Ash is plaintiff," Grif starts.  "you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff. And that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts."

"Ugh. Officer Hot Pants." Simmons is disturbed."

Ash shivers.

"Exactly." Grif says. "And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party."

Flashback

"Oh my god, that cake is huge!" Simmons exclaims.

"Is it lactose free?" Ash asks.

Simmons continues. "It's big enough to fit a person in it."

"Why does the cake smell like baby oil?" Grif asks.

Then the three look to each other.

"Oh God, where's Donut?" Grif asks.

Present.

"Hmm..." Sarge thinks for a second. "Okay. We'll commute Simmons's sentence in favor of time served."

"With time off for good behavior." Grif says.

"No one wants a messy trail."

"I also think he should pay a hefty fine, which we can split."

"Agreed." Ash and Sarge say together.

"But I didn't do anything!" Simmons claims.

Grif turns to Simmons. "You just keep your mouth shut. And don't talk to the press."

"Hey! What's going on in there?" Donut asks.

"Nothing!" The four yell.

Ash turns to Sarge. "Can I hit Simmons?"

Sarge turns to Ash. "Hmmmmm, no, but you can hit Grif."

Grif turns to Sarge. "What?"

"Okay." Ash says.

"What?" Grif asks as he turns to Ash only to get hit in the face. "OW, FUCK!" Grif falls to the floor. 

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07-03-2022