Andy is playing a translated version of Vic's message. "Here are your orders for winning the war, eliminate the enemy. Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing and please win, thank you."

"That is totally, totally, lame..." Grif says. "And not at all surprising. Which is also totally, totally lame."

"I'm gonna blow up, Vic, the next time I see him." Ash says.

Simmons speaks up. "Please don't Ash, and I don't know about that Grif, there was actually some valuable tactical information in there, right Sarge?"

"Simmons, have you lost your last marble?" Sarge asks. "That was pure nonsense!"

"Oh, that's what I meant."

"Eliminate the enemy! What kind of plan is that? I think Command has lost it."

Grif looks at Sarge. "Lost it? When did they have it?"

Donut speaks up. "Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now." 

Church and Shelia are coming over to the group.

"Hey, let's eliminate him." Grif suggests. "Then we'll have one less thing in the to-do list."

Sarge sighs. "I'm just so depressed. I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass. ... Jackass... I'll kill ya."

"Do you want me to hit him, Sarge?" Ash asks. "That usually makes you feel better."

"No, it's fine.... Actually yes." 

What?!" Grif yells and Ash hits him and he falls to the ground. "FUCKING BITCH!"

"Feel better, Sarge?" Ash asks.

"No." Sarge says.

"Guys, I don't think eliminating him will be easy." Donut says. "It looks like he's bringing his tank with him."

"What are you talking about Donut?" Simmons asks. "The tank isn't coming out here. Look, it's not even moving."

"Yes it is, look!"

Grif gets off the ground and turns to Ash. "Asshole." 

Grif continues. "Hey Sarge, cheer up, I've known Command was stupid all along. It could be hard at first but you'll get used to it."

"Just leave me alone." Sarge starts to cry.

-

"Donut, I am looking, and if it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger." Simmons says.

"It is getting bigger, compared to that tree!" Donut claims.

"What tree? There aren't any trees out here!"

-

"You want to call me an idiot Sarge?" Grif asks. "That always makes you feel better."

"Oh shut up moron!" Sarge says.

"Ah, feels better, right?"

"Yeah, I guess a little..."

"We're making progress." Ash states.

-

"Nope, not moving." Simmons says.

"Yes it is!" Donut yells. "See look closer."

"Firing main cannon." Shelia says in the background.

"Okay, you're right." Simmons says. "It's coming this way."

"Run!!!" Donut yells as he runs away.

The reds begin to run away as Sheila continues to shoot at them.

"Regroup men." Sarge orders. "Grif, start passing out additional ammo."

"Uhhhhhh." Grif didn't bring the ammo.

Sarge turns to Simmons. "Simmons, pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget."

"Already on it, Sir." Simmons says.

Ash reloads his DMR.

"Return fire men." Sarge orders. "I'll call for reinforcements." Sarge turns on his radio. "Come in Command, come in!"

A tank shells hits a nearby rock.

Vic comes over the radio. "Hey dude, come in. Hey, what's going on? That sounds like fun."

"Vic, we need help." Sarge runs to Simmons. "Simmons, get busy negotiating a surrender."

"Okay, how about we give them our base?" Simmons suggests.

"Ah, good idea." Donut says. "We can live in the caves!"

"But all my work supplies are in the base!" Ash says.

"We can let them kill Grif!" Simmons suggests.

"I'm very much for that!" Ash says.

"Simmons, you're suppose to negotiate THEIR surrender, not ours!" Sarge informs Simmons. "Vic, are you still there?"

"Hey Blues!" Simmons yells. "Uh, I mean Blue! We're only going to give you one chance to surrender."

Ash pops up next to Donut.

"Wha- Why would I." Church starts and Shelia fires and he turns to her. "Hey, hold on a second Sheila." He turns back to the Reds. "Why would I surrender?"

The reds move down and whisper for a few seconds then pop back up.

"Um, because you're outnumbered." Simmons states.

"Bullshit dude, I got a tank!" Church yells. "People with tanks are never outnumbered."

The Reds move down and whisper some more. Then they pop back up.

"We also think that it's your turn to surrender." Simmons yells.

"What?!" Church yells.

"Well, if you'll recall, first you surrendered and you guys gave us Doc. And then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep. Now that means-"

Church turns to Sheila. "Sheila, shut him up."

Sheila fires and the shell hits above the reds.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Simmons yells.

Ash, Grif and Simmons crouch down.

"Is that a no?" Donut asks and then he crouches down.

"Okay guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, a idiot who thinks his pet just died and our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised in our base right now." Church informs them. "So I really, really, REALLY, don't have time for this horseshit right now."

"Uhh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?" Grif asks.

"I may not know much about biology, but that doesn't seem possible." Ash says.

"HE'S NOT PREGNANT!" Church yells. "That's impossible!"

Andy laughs. "Yeah, unless the alien impregnated him. 'Cause that's what they do. They infect the host with the parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right? ...Right?"

"WHAT?! NO!" Chruch yells. "Why didn't you tell us that could happen?"

"Uhhh, I mean uh, alien baby?" Andy starts. "How could that have happened? I am shocked as you are.

Caboose then comes in over Church's radio. "Come in Church, come in."

"Caboose!" Church yells. "What did I tell you man? You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great, now I'm on the radio too."

"Oh, that's why I'm calling you to tell you, um the Reds already used their radio annnnd O'Malley is gone."

"Oh my god!"

"That's right Blue, we've called in the cavalry." Sarge yells. "As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us. No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude. It's time to end this thing once and for all!"

"Congratulations, it's a.... thing. Eugh." Doc is heard over the radio.

"Honk honk, huuuu." Something is heard over the radio.

"What was that?" Church asks.

"Um, that's the other thing I called about." Caboose says over the radio. "Tucker had his gross baby."

"It's not mine!" Tucker yells in the background.

"He is not PREGNANT!" Church yells and he looks to Sheila. "Sheila, stay here. IF anybody moves, shoot 'em."

"A baby!" Donut yells. "Wait up, I want to see!" He follows after Donut.

"Donut, get back here!" Sarge orders. "Wait for the ship.

"But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is going to get here!" Donut says. "It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!"

A pelican lands on Donut.

"Ship's here." Simmons says.

"Shotgun!" Grif yells.

"Holy shit." Ash says. "It killed Donut before I could! Lucky bastard!"

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07-03-2022