"So, how much oxygen do you think Sarge has in his suit?" Grif asks.
"Oxygen?" Simmons asks
"Yeah, you know. To breathe, and stuff." Grif clarifies.
"Oh, you know. Probably like three hours, depending on his level of activity."
"He's buried six feet underground! I don't think he's got much chance for activities!"
"Well, I don't think you're an authority!" Simmons says.
"'An authority'?" Grif asks. "We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!"
"No. I threw a bunch of dirt on him. Your three only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!"
"You know that trick?" Grif asks Sister.
"I learned from the best!" Sister replies.
"I am not getting in trouble when we dig up, Sarge." Ash says.
"Well, as your new commander, you three are gonna learn a little discipline," Simmons starts. "and we're gonna start by running laps around the base! Sister, you can do girly laps."
"You mean, after we dig up Sarge." Grif says.
Simmons pulls out Sarge's shotgun. "No, I mean right now. Grif!"
"What are girly laps?" Sister asks.
"Hey, Simmons?" Grif starts. "I don't think Sarge is gonna like you picking up his shotgun." Simmons cocks the shotgun. "And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. .... Well, okay. He might like that part."
"As the new leader, what I say goes!" Simmons orders. "So everyone needs to start running right now!"
"I'm not liking our new leader." Ash says and Simmons points the shotgun at him. "I retract my earlier statement."
"But what about Sarge?" Grif asks.
"You heard what command said!" Simmons yells. "Sarge is dead! He died of... What'd he die of?" Simmons asks Sister.
"Aspirin overdose." Sister says.
Simmons looks at Grif. "See? Sarge is dead of a..." He looks to Sister. "an aspirin overdose? Really?"
"I know! I didn't think it was possible! And trust me, I've tried!"
"Yeah! Wait... what?"
"Simmons, don't be stupid!" Grif yells. "He's not dead! He's just lying underground covered in dirt!"
"If I say he's dead, he's dead!" Simmons yells. "I'm the leader! Me! And being a leader means you have to make tough decisions! Like, just for talking back," He looks to Sister. "you can't do girly laps!"
"You have gone blind with imaginary power, Simmons!"
"Oh ho ho! On the contrary, I think I've gone blind with very real power!"
"Seriously! What the fuck are girly laps?" Sister yells.
"At this point I want to know, too!" Ash yells.
"All three of you! Shut up! You're running!" Simmons orders. "I'm calling Red Command for confirmation."
"Why are you calling Red Command?" Sister asks.
"FOR CON-FIR-MAT-ION. Stop asking questions!"
"You keep talking about them! Why don't you call our guys?" Sister asks.
"'Our guys'?" Grif asks Sister.
"Yeah! The Blue guys!"
"Excuse me?" The wha-za-wha?" Simmons is confused.
"Is this going where I think it's going?" Ash asks.
"The Blue guys!" Sister starts. "The guys that sent me here! In the big ship!"
"Grif?" Simmons asks.
"Uh, yeah, this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my sister is colorblind." Grif says.
Ash slowly brings up his DMR.
"WHAT?!" Simmons yells.
"I don't get it!" Sister starts. "What's the gray guy so upset about?"
"But girls can't be colorblind!"
"Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either! But guess what!"
"Yeah! Wait, what?!" Grif asks.
Ash lowers his DMR. "What?"
"I can't believe it!" Simmons yells. "With such a simple espionage plan, the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick! Quick! Get me a shovel!" Simmons runs towards the grave. "Oh, Sarge is gonna be pissed!"
"Hey, Simmons?" Grif starts. "If she's not here for Sarge, who the hell is she here to replace?"
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07-05-2022
