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"What? They're invading our base!" Sarge yells.

"And we're not even there to defend it!" Sarge yells again. "Oh, the humiliation! Men, this aggression cannot stand. We'll beat those blues all the way back across the canyon. This, is the moment we've all been training for!"

"Training?" Grif asks. "We haven't done any training. Wait, is sleep considered training?"

"I forgot the remote for my explosive at the base." Ash says. "Dang it!"

Sarge continues. "Simmons, as with all our battle plans, I need you to punch Grif in the back of the head." Sarge looks towards Simmons. "Simmons? Simmons!"

"Uh-huh, yeah. I agree." Simmons says. "Everything you say is right. Red Team's great. Hurray."

"Simmons, stop watching those TVs." Sarge orders.

"Yeah, Simmons give it up." Donut adds. "There's not gonna be more pictures of naked girls on there."

"Shut up!" Simmons says to Donut. "You don't know that. Stop saying that! He doesn't know what he's talking about." Simmons mumbles the last part.

"Men, this won't be easy." Sarge starts. "The Blues will be totally bunkered down. They have both bases, which gives them an enormous strategic advantage. But we're the Red Team!"

Someone starts to sing.

Sarge continues. "Sure, you might not be the best squad. You might not be smart, or energetic, Sane, or have any skills that qualify you for duty and any other legitimately recognized military unit. However-"

"Where did that flag come from?" Donut asks.

"Flag" Grif starts. "Who gives a fuck about the flag? How about who's singing?"

Ash turns to the two. "Shut up! I'm listening to Sarge."

Sarge continues. "But with precise operations, and proper communication.  We will emerge victorious! With a little luck, one of us in particular, will die a horrible death! Either at the hands of the Blues, or as a part of a cunning distraction by yours truly."

Ash sniffs. "That was so beautiful."

"Why don't we just take over Blue Base?" Simmons asks

"Nonsense!" Sarge yells. "At Blue Base they're much more fortified. Blue Base has turrets. Blue Base has a tank!"

"Blue Base has no one in it." Simmons says.

"What?"

"Look, see?" Simmons motions to the TV. "They're all gone."

"Where'd they go?"

"They went to Red Base." Donut explains. "That's what we've been talking about."

"But which one of these caves leads to the Blue Base?" Grif asks. "I'm all turned around down here."

"I have an idea.

.

.

"See, these are dead Blues." Donut says.

"Yes, Donut, we're all very happy about the corpses." Sarge says. "Sicko."

"This has been the second best part of my day." Ash says.

"Don't you get it?" Donut asks. "When they buried you, you fell down here. When the Blues buried these two guys, they fell in too."

"I thought the Blues had three dead guys." Simmons says.

Donut looks up. "So that means, we're standing right underneath Blue Base. All we need to do is head up, and take 'em from behind."

"Cavernous conundrum he's right!" Sarge yells. "Let's go men. We'll grab their base while they capture ours! Onto glorious victory!"

"Technically that's not victory. It's more like a stalemate." Simmons corrects. 

"On equilibrium then?" Sarge asks.

"Yeah, that'll work."

Grif sighs "This war sucks.

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07-05-2022