Chairman: Dear Director.

Fade in to Church and Wash

Chairman: It is now clear, that your agency and its primary program "Project Freelancer" have abused the trust and freedoms that the Oversight Sub-committee has provided you. Your abuse of the Alpha A.I. will now become the subject of a criminal investigation. I am sorry, Director, but you have seen the end of my patience.

Church and Wash look at each other silently before we cut to Simmons typing at Terminal 84-C - Administrator Access Only

Sarge: What're you finding out, Simmons?

Simmons: Looks like all the Blue records are here, I just don't have the access to delete them. I'm trying to work around that right now.

Grif: Ooh, try hacking the mainframe.

Simmons: This isn't a mainframe system.

Grif: How 'bout cracking it, would cracking it work?

Simmons: Grif shut up! Stop making suggestions when you have no idea what you're talking about.

Grif: Well, if you want help-

Simmons: I don't want help.

Grif: Maybe you should explain what's going on, and I could make an educated suggestion.

Simmons: Educated? Okay, fine. This computer is a dedicated interface with a highly developed security protocol. The information we are accessing is stored on a separate database with its own dedicated hardware. That system has its own distinct layer of security. From what I can tell, the two systems verify their identities by trading randomly generated two thousand fifty-six bit encryption keys. I'm tryin' to spoof one of those keys right now. So, Grif. I'm all ears. Any suggestions?

Grif: Oh yeah, I've seen that before. You should try uploading a virus to the mainframe.

Simmons: Jesus.

Grif: I find viruses that feature a laughing skull tend to work the best.

Simmons: Shut the fuck up and let me work!

Cut back to Church and Wash

Church: You're a fucking idiot.

Washington: That's not the reaction I expected.

Church: You think I'm a computer program?

Washington: Why is that hard to believe?

Church: Uh, how 'bout 'cause I'm a person! That I have been my whole life? That I have memories from when I was a kid? And I don't remember being a calculator, dude.

Washington: A.I. are programs based on an actual human mind. You're bound to have some residual memories. They're just not yours.

Church: Oh, you're so full o' shit.

Washington: And after what you've been through its not hard to imagine you wouldn't-

Church: Oh, st- thi- give me a break, dude.

Washington: Okay, fine. I guess you being a spirit makes more sense.

Church: Fuck yeah, it does. It's way less geeky, asshole.

Washington: A spirit.

Church: Yeah. That's right.

Washington: A ghost!

Church: Boo, motherfucker.

Back to the Reds

Sarge: Simmons, how's your progress?

Simmons: Good, I'm almost in. This blinking light is really distracting me though.

Sarge: What is it?

Grif: Hey guys, I told Caboose to watch out the windows in the next room. That should give us some relief.

Sarge: Good. Simmons, if that light bothers you so much, just turn it off.

Simmons: Hey, I got a great idea, how 'bout if someone else does somethin' for once. I'm workin' here!

Grif: Heuh, I'll do it.

Grif hits the light and we hear radio sounds

Tucker: Hello! Come in Command! Do you read, Command? Why isn't anyone answering!?

Grif: What should I say?

Simmons: Who the fuck cares, just get rid of him.

Grif: Um, hello. Uh, this is Command. Go ahead.

Tucker: Finally! Hey! This is a distress call! We need help down here ASAP! Mayday, and all that shit!

Grif: Oh, yeah, uh, sorry dude, there's no one here to take your call right now.

Tucker: What!?

Grif: Can I take a message?

Tucker: Dude, that's bullshit. You guys suck.

Grif: Is that the message?

Tucker: No it's not the message, asshole! Tell them, we found what we're looking for, and it's under the sand. Send. Help. Now.

Simmons: (whispering) What the hell is he talking about?

Grif: (whispering) Who the fuck knows? (speaking) Under... sand. Uh okay. I got it. As soon as they get back I'll be sure to grab them and uh, slip it to 'em.

Tucker: Yeah, slip it to 'em! Bow chicka bow wow.

Grif: ...What'd you say?

Sound of explosion

Tucker: Oh shit, gotta go!

Grif: Was that who I think it was?

Caboose: Did somebody here just say something?

Back to Church and Wash

Washington: Look, you can resist this all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that I need your help to beat the Meta.

Church: Why me?

Washington: Who else, Church?

Church: Why not Tex? She's a ghost, like me. Use her.

Washington: But she's not you. Even if I could find her, even if she's still alive, I don't think I could trust her. Tex is... confusing. The Director and Councilor always worked so closely with her, she was, like... their favorite.

Church: You sound jealous. What's the matter, Daddy didn't love you enough?

Washington: We were a competitive group. We had to be. But she always had special treatment from our superiors. There has to be a reason for that. She is... she's... I don't know what she is.

Church: Uhuh, what? You don't know something? I thought you knew everything?

Washington: No Church, I don't know everything. You're not going to get all the answers you want. But what I do know is that the Meta and this program are an enormous danger to everyone. And we just need to do what's expected of us. Do you think you can-

An alarm starts going off

Church: Oh great! What is that?

Washington: We've been found out. Quick, grab Epsilon. I'll lead us out. Keep your head down.

Church: Okay, but if this fucking thing sends out any more images, I'm gonna throw it in the nearest trash can.

To Ash

Ash is staring at the files and papers on the computer screen and the alarm goes off.

"Shit!" Ash yells. "Emily, get what you can and let's go!"

"On it!" Xi yells.

Ash kneels down to the open panel and after a few seconds he stands up and runs off.

Cut to the Reds and Caboose, with the alarm still going off

Caboose: Does anyone else hear that?

Grif: Yes, we all hear it, Caboose.

Sarge: Simmons, did you do that?

Simmons: I don't think so. Hope not.

Caboose: Uh, red guys? Uhm, white guys are coming? Aaand, they look mad.

One of the approaching white guys throws a grenade at the building, and the grenade explodes

Caboose: Really, mad.

Sarge: Grif, close those shutters!

Grif: On it.

The shutters close.

Simmons: Here, I got it! This is every bit of information about the Blues and their soldiers!

Sarge: Can you erase it?

Simmons: I can, but Sarge, maybe we should think about this for a moment. What happens if we delete the Blues?

Sarge: It means they never existed.

Ash sneakily enters the room.

Simmons: But did you ever stop to think, what does it mean to be red if there is no blue? If they never existed, what's the purpose of even having a red army if there's no one for us to fight? Do you understand what I mean? It's like, flip sides of the same-

Sarge steps forward and pushes the button. The words "BLUES DELETED" appear on the screen

Simmons: ...coin.

Sarge: What it means is what it's always meant. We rule, they suck. Don't over analyze it, you pussy.

Grif: Oh my God. Where's Caboose?

"Uh, oh." Ash says.

Sarge: What in the-

Simmons: Where did he go? *gasp* You don't think that deleting him from the computer somehow altered the fabric of reality and removed him from-

Caboose appears.

Caboose: Hey guys. I was just tryin' to find the bathroom. Church always has me go before a big battle. He hates when I ask to go in the middle of one.

Simmons: Oh...

Sarge: Did you want to finish your thought, Simmons?

Simmons: Naw that's okay, I'm- I'm cool.

Grif: Come on dude, tell us more about the reality bending computer. I'm hanging on your every word.

Simmons: I don't wanna talk about it.

Sarge: How do we turn this damn alarm off? Maybe it's one of those clap things.

Sarge claps twice and the alarm stops

Sarge: There we go.

"We should get one of those." Ash says to Sarge.

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07-13-2022