F.I.L.S.S: (voice over) Alarm, security breach, level Alpha. All personnel report for duty. This is not a drill.

Fade in to the Reds in fear running from Tex, and Caboose in a control room overlooking it

Simmons: Run!

Grif: Oh, crap! Where is she?

Simmons: I don't wanna die!

"This is kinda fun!" Ash yells.

Caboose: (frightened) Sheila, we have to help them!

F.I.L.S.S: Help who?

Caboose: The Reds! Tex is attacking them, we have to stop her!

F.I.L.S.S: Stop Agent Texas? Oh no, absolutely not. We should never interfere with an ongoing battlefield simulation test. Our job is to observe and document. It also has been a while since Agent Texas and Agent Minnesota have had a battle.

Caboose: (desperately) But she'll kill them!

F.I.L.S.S: (cheerfully) Oh, that would be wonderful! What a successful test!

Cut to the Reds, who are panting. Ash's who is not exhausted, is looking around.

"We need to keep moving men!" Sarge orders. "Come on! Double time! Hell, I'd settle for single time."

"Maybe we should just fight." Simmons suggest. "I'm afraid she's gonna start picking us off one by...

Suddenly Tex punches right through the wall and grabs him by his throat.

Simmons: -one!

Quickly, Sarge raises his shotgun and points it at Tex, but she darts forward, lifts the gun up just before he fires, then punches him in the stomach and flings him towards Grif. Sarge stumbles forward as he is thrown and his helmet rams right into Grif's crotch, causing him to scream in pain. Suddenly, Tex barrels straight into them, crashing through a crate before flinging them into a pile of barrels, sending them scattering across the floor.

Ash comes through the hole in the wall. "Wow, she's pretty angry." Tex turns to him. "Aw, fuck."

Tex runs at Ash and tries to punch him. Ash ducks under the punches and tries to shoot Tex, but she kicks his gun away. Ash falls to the floor and rolls away as Tex slams her foot right where his head was.

Ash jumps to his feet and laughs as a metal thud is heard at Tex's feet. She looks down to see a live greande.

"Eat shit, bitch!" Ash yells and Tex just kicks the grenade at his feet and he looks down at it. "Well, fuck."

The grenade goes off and sends Ash flying.

Simmons emerges from the sandwich and runs for heavy armaments.

Simmons: Oh man, forget this. I need to get a bigger weapon. 

Simmons runs off as Tex walks towards Grif and Sarge.

Simmons makes it near the control room and he sees Caboose. "Caboose, help us!"

Caboose: (angrily) How? The computer won't let me. She's mean! This place is filled with mean ladies!

Simmons: (desperately) Push some buttons, I don't know!

Caboose: (joyously) Buttons!? Oh man, I love buttons! Beep bop boop boop beep bop boop boop!

A crate of Rocket Launchers tips over and drops them next to Simmons.

Simmons: (surprised) Wow. (Discards his gun and picks up a launcher) That actually worked perfectly. Thanks!

Caboose: Great! How the heck did I do that?

Cut to Tucker running into the scene. He encounters Simmons.

Grif: (off screen) Ow!

Tucker: Hey Simmons, what the hell is going on in there?

Simmons: You gotta help us! Do you know how to use that thing?

Tucker: My sword? Fuck yeah I know how to use it. What's to understand about swish-swish-stab? It's a fuckin' sword dude, it's not a fighter jet.

Simmons: Just come and help me!

In the storeroom, as Sarge and Grif stagger to their feet, Tex kicks a barrel towards them. Grif quickly ducks down and lets the barrel hit Sarge before getting up and firing his battle rifle, but Tex rolls forward to avoid the bullets. She then grabs Grif and Sarge by their throats and smashes their heads together before knocking Sarge away with some punches and kicks.

Grif opens fire again but Tex knocks his rifle away and begins pounding on him with some powerful punches before knocking him to the floor, holding onto his right leg with one hand then raising her other in a fist.

Grif: Wait wait wait-!

Tex strikes Grif really, really hard in the groin, then kicks him across the room, right into a crate. As he struggles to get up, a teleporter falls on him and he flies out the other end just as Tex knocks Sarge aside. Tex notices the teleporter.

Grif: O-ho o-ho...

Tucker: (off screen) Hey, Sweet Cheeks!

Tex dodges a plasma grenade that zooms past her. Cut to Tucker, who pulls out his sword.

Tucker: Remember me? Step away from the idiot!

Tex slowly approaches Tucker and the two stand off. Simmons is seen mounting himself atop a crate from afar.

Simmons: Oh God, please don't let her see me...

A huge crate falls between Tex and Tucker.

Caboose: (cheerfully) Yes! I saved Tucker! (beat, now depressed) Oh wait... I saved Tucker...

Tucker: (angrily) Caboose, what're you doing? You're messing up my plan with Simmons! I was supposed to distract her for him!

Tex spins around

Cut to Simmons loading the Rocket Launcher.

Simmons: (panicking) YOU RATTED ME OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Simmons fires a rocket out, but Tex jumps aside, grabs a teleporter and flings it towards him.

Simmons: Oh shit!

Simmons fires another rocket but it simply goes through the teleporter and out the exit that is right next to the pile he is standing on!

Simmons: (Slow motion) Oh shiiiiit!

Simmons is thrown into the air by the explosion, right into the flying teleporter and out of the other end – straight into Tex who grabs him out of the air, flips him over her head and kicks him into Tucker, sending them sprawling to the ground.

Tucker: That was awesom- ow!

Cut back to Caboose.

Caboose: Um, can we use turrets on her? Or some explodey fiery things?

F.I.L.S.S: That would be outside the bounds of my standard safety protocols. I cannot do that.

Cut back to Sarge, Grif, Simmons, and Tucker. Tex is walking towards them. They prepare their weapons, while Grif, who doesn't have one, picks up a cone to defend himself.

Grif: What do we do, Sarge?

Sarge: (concerned) I don't know... I've never hit a girl in my life!

Simmons: (terrified) Yeah, I noticed. Try harder!

Grif: Hah!!

AHHH!" Ash is yelling in the distance and suddenly he flies out of a teleporter and tackles Tex into another one.

They come out near the group and Tex kicks Ash off of her and she flips herself up. Only to get punched in the face by Ash and she gets sent back to the ground.

Ash looks at his robot arm. "Man, this thing packs a punch!"

Ash side steps as Tex tries to axe kick Ash. "Missed me." Ash throws a punch with his robot arm and Tex catches it. She starts to squeeze and a metal screeching is heard.  

Ash chuckles as a metal dink is heard and Tex looks to Ash's other hand and sees Ash flick the safety pin away. "Surprise."

Tex pushes Ash away and kicks the grenade in the air. The grande goes off causing the area to go up in smoke.

"The fuck is happening?" Grif asks.

"I have no clue." Sarge says.

"I think Ash is getting his ass kicked and not kicked at the same time." Tucker says.

The smoke clears and Ash doesn't see Tex. Ash holds up his robot arm to his left and blocks a punch from Tex. Then he pulls out a pistol from his hip and fires at Tex, she moves her head to the side as the bullet flies past.

Tex kicks the pistol up in the air and ducks under a punch from Ash. She grabs his arm and throws him over her shoulder. 

While in the air Ash grabs his pistol and fires at Tex. She jumps back as the bullets hit the ground where she was.

Ash lands on some fusion coils and they start to glow red.

"Well, shit." Ash says. "Why does this happen to-" The fusion coils blow up.

"Well,  there goes our only chance at winning." Simmons says.

"We're boned." Tucker says.

Tex looks at the group and they become scared.

Tex charges forward, snatches Sarge's shotgun out of his grip, punches Tucker aside and kicks Simmons into another teleporter.

Simmons: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUU- (flies through a few teleporters) -UUUUUCK?!

As she turns towards Grif, Simmons flies out the exit from the previous teleporter and into another teleporter. He exits the teleporter and knocks right into Grif, knocking him straight into another kick in the groin. Tex slams Grif onto the floor with her foot and points the shotgun right at his head.

Grif: Ha-how!

Simmons: (terrified) Oh no, Grif!

Grif: (flinches) Yikes!

Tex tries to shoot Grif in the face with a shotgun, but it clicks, being out of ammo.

Sarge: (irritated) Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself. We've run out of ammo again! That's your responsibility!

Grif: (relieved) Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness has ever saved my-

Tex steps on Grif's chest.

Grif: (high pitched) -life! Protect me, cone!

Grif holds the construction cone over his face, and Tex golf swings the shotgun into his crotch, knocking him quite a distance into Simmons.

Simmons: Watch it!

Grif: You watch it!

Sarge: You idiots! Let me show you how it's done!

Tex charges in, punches Sarge in the face and knocks him all the way to Simmons and Grif.

Grif: (sarcastically) Nice demonstration, Sarge.

Sarge: Ah, shut up.

Simmons: Hey guys, look up there.

Tucker finally gets up, and sees a giant crate looming over himself and Tex.

Tucker: Uhh, what? ...Hey Caboose! Remember when I said not to help me? Forget that! I need you to help me! Right now!

Caboose: What holds up that crate?

F.I.L.S.S: Mechanical controls are on the left side of the console.

Ash rejoins the Reds.

"Nice of you to join us." Sarge says.

"Yeah, yeah." Ash waves off Sarge as he rolls his right shoulder.

The crate drops and Tucker dives out of the way, Tex is seen catching the crate, with the ground visibly cracking under her feet.

Tucker: (overjoyed) I can't believe that worked!

He looks up, and unfortunately, Tex is shown lifting the crate overhead. There are two dents where her hands hit the metal.

Tucker: ...Oh fuck, that didn't work!

F.I.L.S.S: (dismissively) I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a badass.

Tex flings the crate at the Reds and Tucker.

Grif: We gotta get outta here!

Simmons: We'll be crushed!

"I'm having the time of my life!" Ash yells.

Tucker: Don't worry guys, I got this. (takes out sword and swings) SWISH!

Tucker splits the crate with his sword, and the two halves go to either side of the Reds, covering them in medpacks.

Grif: Ow! We were crushed!

Tucker: (sheepishly) Aw, fuckberries. Tex, can you- oh!

Tex walks over and casually kicks Tucker in the chest. She keeps walking after the stumbling Tucker.

Tucker: (irritated) Alright, you know what, that's it! Come here!

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Oh thank God, thought I was a goner. Sarge, where are you?

Sarge pops up out of a pile of medpacks.

Sarge: Here! What happened? I feel defeated, yet inexplicably rejuvenated!

Ash pops out of the pile. "I feel so much better. I don't even hurt anymore!"

Tucker swings his sword out towards Tex, making swishing noises as he does but Tex dodges each swing and strikes Tucker's exposed parts. As Tucker thrusts his sword out, Tex grabs his arm, twists it behind his back, and then kicks him across the room, disarming his sword in the process.

Tucker: Swish-fuck! Swoosh-fah! Ah, stab- God dammit! Gah! Oh come on. O-aow, bullshit!

Tucker skids across the ground, hit his head on a teleporter, flips over and then tumbles straight through it.

Grif: (stunned) Whoa, did you see that?!

Simmons: (annoyed) How would I have missed that?

Tucker emerges from a teleporter into Tex's grip. Tex grabs the sword in one hand and his neck in the other, and the sword goes out. She looks at it.

Tucker: (smugly) What's the matter, Tex? You having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, it happens to everybody. (quickly) Well, not me, but...

Punch

Sarge: That rocket launcher's one of the older models, right?

Tucker: (off screen, being beaten up by Tex) Ow! Ow! Ahow!

Simmons: Yeah.

Sarge: That means it's got heat seeking.

Tucker: (off screen, still being hit) I didn't know that was there!

Sarge: Now lock on and let her rip!

Simmons: Oh right, I forgot about that.

Tucker: (off screen) Ow, holy crap, you cannot do this-

Tucker flies through a teleporter, emerging completely black again.

Tucker: -biiiiiiiiiiiitch!!! (looks down and growls in frustration) Damn it, I hate this black stuff, what the hell is it?!?!

Grif: (points at Tucker) There she is!

Tucker: (looks up) Huh?

Sarge: Get her!

Simmons: Wait, guys...

Sarge, Ash, and Grif start beating up Tucker, but Grif quickly loses steam.

Tucker: (now being beaten by the Reds) Ow, come on! I'm not Tex, I'm a Blue! I'm not the one you're fighting! Leave me the fuck alone!

Grif: (tired) Kicking's hard.

Sarge gets Tucker in a headlock and punches the top of his head a bunch.

Tucker: (muffled) Why are you hitting me, I'm not Tex!

Simmons: Sarge, hold on, hold on!

Sarge: Hm?

Simmons: I think that's Tucker, not Tex.

Tucker: See I told you!

Sarge punches Tucker once more, and releases him. Tucker moves away from Sarge.

Ash runs off somewhere

Tucker: Ow, you fucker! Why'd you do that?

Sarge: Meh, force o' habit.

Tucker: Man you guys are n-ah-!

Tucker, staggering backwards, slips on a medpack and into Grif. 

Grif: Hey, watch it- whoa-

Tucker: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa-!

Grif: Don't fall in the-

They end up leaning against each other on either end of a teleporter on the ground.

Tex looks at it from the adjoining teleporter.

Grif: Hold still, hold still, I can see her. She's right over there by the other-

Tex pokes her head through the teleporter and emerges beneath Tucker and Grif.

Grif: Uh oh.

Tucker: Grif, I see her.

Tex punches Grif in the crotch. Again.

Grif: (miserably) What is your problem with my balls?!

He falls into the teleporter, leaving Tucker off-balance.

Tucker: Whoa, who-whoa, hawhoa! Aw crap.

Tucker falls through the teleporter and backs into Tex, who flips him and slams him backwards into the ground, ending up on her back too. She quickly recovers, goes for the mount and starts punching him. Tucker immediately tries to block her punches by putting his arms over his face and starts saying romantic things.

Tucker: O-ho, wow, right into the mount, huh? O-hoa, not even gonna buy dinner? Come on, I like your style!

Simmons tries to position himself to fire at Tex. Tucker is still being punched.

Sarge: Simmons, what're you waiting for?

Simmons: (frightened) They look the same! Which one do I shoot?!

Tucker: (from afar, furious) Ow! Shoot the one who's winning, dumbass!

Grif: Ow!!!

Grif, cradling his balls, staggers into the line of fire.

Simmons: Grif! Watch it!

Grif: (weakly groaning) Uh-huh-huh!!!

Tex kicks Tucker forward, knocking him into Grif before grabbing his leg, pulling him back and punching him to the ground so hard that the black ash flies off his armor as he bounces back towards Sarge and Simmons.

Tucker: Ahoww, ow!

Sarge: Wow, knocked the black right off ya!

Tucker: (groaning in pain, getting up) That's racist!

Sarge: You're all clear Simmons, now shoot her!

Simmons: Fire in the hole!

Simmons fires at Tex, who takes off and leaps into a teleporter, flipping out the other side and then running straight towards Tucker and the Reds; the missile still on her tail.

Tucker: (in disbelief) Are you fucking kidding me?! RUN!!!

Tucker bumps into Sarge and Simmons. Then Tex runs up and knocks all three of them down with a single punch before sliding right under Grif's legs. Grif looks up and spots the missile moving right towards him.

Grif: Oh God, not like this!

The missile passes through his legs.

Grif: (relieved) Oh thank God. I thought I was-

Grif turns around, just as Tex leaps into a second teleporter on the floor and the missile flies past her and towards a pile of propane tanks.

Grif: (in slow motion) -FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED!

Everyone tries to run. Grif crashes into Simmons in his haste to get away.

Simmons: (in slow motion) GRRRIIIIIIFFFFF!

As the missile hits, the tanks ignite and jet towards Tucker and the Reds like mini-rockets. Grif is sent flying by a tank that hits him in the butt while the others are knocked into the air by the tanks' explosions.

Meanwhile Tex rolls out the other side of the teleporter and watches as Tucker, Sarge, and Simmons come crashing down to the ground. Tex then casually approaches a cement barricade and carefully pushes it forward until she can't anymore. Then she takes a step forward to turn it a few more inches. She then waits as Grif finally comes crashing down on top of it... crotch-first.

Grif: Ooaaah!

Tex walks away.

Grif: (strained) Why won't you just kill me?!

Ash comes out of nowhere and drop kicks Tex.

"Surprise mother fucker!" Ash yells.

Tex flies through a teleporter.

"I wonder where that led too?" Ash says as he stands up.

Tex appears from a teleporter behind Ash with a fist cocked back. Ash slightly turns his head to the side and then he quickly turns around and grabs Tex's arm and throws Tex into the side of a crate.

Ash reaches down to his hip for his pistol, but it's not there. "Huh" He looks across the room and sees his pistol on the ground. "What the hell?"

Suddenly Ash is kicked in the crotch and he falls to the ground. "Why me, I thought you only did that to Grif?"

Church: Hey Tex!

Tex turns and starts towards the others... but then a monitor bounces off the side of her head and she turns in its direction… to see a certain cobalt-blue soldier standing in the doorway, holding a sniper rifle in his hands.

Church: (smugly) How 'bout you pick on somebody your own size?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------