Washington: Look, as long as I'm leader of this team, I will do everything in my power to ensure your safety whether you like it or not.

Tucker: We don't need you protecting us!

Washington: I know, that's why I'm trying to help you!

Tucker: Help us with what?! Defending against attack?! No one is going to attack us!

Sarge: ATTACK!

Cut to Sarge and Grif in the Warthog driving toward them. 

.

.

.

Tucker: You have literally the worst timing.

"Stow it thin mint." Sarge says.

Ash hops out of the passenger and walks over and stands next to Sarge. 

"We're no longer fraternizing with the enemy." Sarge says.

"'Thin mint'?" Tucker questions.

"Now see, when he says 'we', imagine he's only referring to himself." Grif says. 

"Death to the Blues!" Ash yells.

"And Ash."

"Bitch, my armors, aqua!" Tucker yells "...I Think..."

"What the hell are you three doing!?" Wash asks.

"Uh again, not three, just those two." Grif says. "I can't stress this enough."

"You made me believe that reds and blues could co-exsist!" Sarge says. "That we could work together as one people! And we could all get together, and be a little... purple."

"We can! We are!" Wash yells. "Seriously, what the fuck is this about?!"

"You kidnapped one of my men!"

"Who? Me?" Simmons asks.

"He wasn't kidnapped dipshit, he came over here by himself." Tucker explains. "We can't get him to leave."

Sarge lowers his shotgun. "Is this true Simmons?"

"It's not your fault, sir." Simmons says. "It's Grif's!"

"What did I do?" Grif asks.

"You're fucking disgusting Grif."

"Well, yeah... But I've always been like that. Sarge was the one who decided to take half the base for himself."

"Oh... Then I guess it is your fault, sir."

"That makes you a traitor!" Sarge yells.

"I'm getting deja vu here." Ash says.

"What?" Simmons yells.

"Threat level increased." Freckles says

"Uhm, yeah, no reason for panic, everything's fine, might anyone have a rolled up newspaper at the ready?" Caboose asks.

"You weren't kidnapped!" Sarge yells. "You deliberately joined the enemy!"

"But if he wasn't kidnapped, that would mean we were never the enemy in the first place." Tucker states.

"Don't try to confuse me with your words, shamrock!"

"I'm aqua!"

"Tucker, calm down." Wash says. "Minne can't you do something?"

"I won't listen to a dirty blue!" Ash yells.

"Me?" Tucker asks Wash. "These guys roll up in a fucking assault jeep, and you choose to yell at me?! Yell at the other ex-Freelancer!"

"Look, tensions are high." Wash says.

"No shit, Washington. I'm tired of you bossing us around!"

"Now is not the time."

"You know, I disagree." Tucker says. "We were having a talk when Tweedledee, Tweedledo and Tweedle-fucking-idiot decide to interrupt, so let's finish this."

"There is nothing to finish!" Wash says.

"Are we intruding on some sort of lover's quarrel right now?" Grif asks.

"Yeah, this is getting kinda awkward." Ash says as he lowers his Plasma Repeater. 

Tucker: You are the worst thing to happen to this team since blue-boy over there decided to show up.

Caboose: I am a man! Blue man!

Simmons: You take that back. Wash is a great leader. I assume.

Sarge: Blasphemy!

Freckles: Deadly force authorized.

Tucker: Seriously, I would rather follow Caboose into battle than you.

Washington: Oh, really? Then let's just make him the leader, see how much better off you are!

Caboose: Well, I humbly accept your nomination and accept the position.

Washington and Tucker: Shut up!

Freckles: Do not talk back to your commanding officer.

Tucker: Wash and I are having an argument. I will be talking back to him. That's how arguments work, you fucking toaster.

Camera shifts to Freckles' POV through his HUD's screen. The word "DEMOTED" appears over Washington as Freckles looks at him

Freckles: Washington is not the commanding officer.

Tucker: What?

Washington: What?

Freckles: In a unanimous decision by the Blue Team, Caboose has been promoted to Blue leader. Captain Caboose is now your commanding officer. Do not talk back to your commanding officer.

Grif: Oh, fuck.

"I should have brought some popcorn." Ash says.

Caboose: Well, yep. This is gonna be a lot of fun.

Washington: No, Caboose, you can't-

Freckles turns toward Washington

Washington: Look, Freckles, this is a misunderstanding.

Simmons: Caboose is team leader? Fuhuck this.

Caboose: Augh, don't worry, Simmons. As my first duty as leader in the position of the nomination, I say you can be on Blue Team...forever!

Simmons begins to walk away from the Blues.

Simmons: No thanks, I'm good.

Freckles: Private Simmons.

Simmons stops

Simmons: (whimpers in fear) Oh no...

Freckles: Deserting your post will designate you as AWOL. This designation is punishable by death.

Simmons: WHAT?!

Grif: Uh, hey Sarge? Now the Blues have kidnapped Simmons.

Sarge: THEN IT'S WAR!

Ash raises his gun. "DEATH TO THE BLUES!"

Washington: Wait! Stop!

Sarge activates the cannon on the Warthog

Sarge: Say hello to robot Satan, you mechanical son of a-

Grif: Bail!

Grif throws himself out of the Warthog just as Freckles shoots it, sending both Grif and Sarge flying out of the blown up vehicle. Ash also goes flying since he was right next to the car.

Tucker: Woah!

Simmons: Sarge!

Caboose: Freckles! Bad! Bad! No!

Freckles: Primary threat eliminated.

Lopez 2.0 runs into the area at the sound of explosions

Lopez 2.0: ¿Cual fue esa explosió—MIERDA. ¿QUÉ HAS HECHO?[What was that explos—HOLY SHIT. WHAT DID YOU DO?]

Simmons: Sarge! Are you okay?

Sarge: (grunts in pain) No, Simmons. I'm afraid I won't be okay...until I exact my revenge!

Grif: Seriously, I am not affiliated with this lunatic. He does not speak for me.

"I'm fine if anyone is wondering?" Ash says.

"No one cares." Grif says to Ash.

Ash gives him the middle finger as he's laying face first on the ground.

Xi appears next to Ash and she looks around and then back to Ash. "Yep, nope." Xi disappears. 

Sarge charges toward Freckles

Sarge: HYAAAAH!

Freckles: Engaging target.

Caboose: Freckles, no!

Washington: Sarge, don't!

Cut to a gun being shot into the air. Both teams slowly turn toward the source of the sound

Donut: Man, you guys are really noisy.

A pause, before both teams (barring Caboose) run toward Donut. Indistinct cheering. 

Ash gets off the ground and a pair of dog tags fall out from his armor. Ash shakes his head and puts the dog tags back under his armor.

Donut: Aww! You must have really missed me!

Grif: Donut, thank God you're here!

Sarge: We were just about ready to kill each other.

Tucker: Speak for yourself.

Washington: Where's the ship?

Donut: What ship?

Washington: The ship you came here on. The rescue team.

Donut: Ohhhh. Hah-hah, duh! Allow me to introduce: the rescue team!

Camera pans to the right to show Doc standing a little ways off.

Ash walks over to the group. 

"Sup." Doc says.

"Doc!?" Simmons yells.

"Wait, what is this?" Wash asks.

"Donut told me you guys needed help," Doc starts.

"so I got the best help money could buy!" Donut finishes.

Doc looks at Donut. "You didn't pay me."

Donut looks at Doc. "And I didn't tip the pilot." He looks back to the group. "That's frugality."

"What pilot?" Sarge asks.

"The pilot that dropped us off, dummy." Donut says.

"Dropped you off?" Tucker asks.

"As in, he's not here anymore?" Grif asks.

"And were not going to be leaving within the next few hours?" Ash asks.

"Exactly." Donut says.

Caboose: 'Sup?

Washington: (increasingly strained) So you're telling me...that you heard our distress signal...grabbed Doc...hopped on a ship...and then TOLD THE SHIP TO LEAVE? AND THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF SENDING HELP?!

Donut: What? No! I brought Lopez, too!

Camera cuts to Lopez 2.0 standing next to Lopez's disembodied head, as the latter looks down to his predecessor

Lopez: Qué. Carajo.[What. The fuck.]

Sarge: Kill him!

The Reds and Blues converge on Doc and Donut and drag them behind a rock. The sounds of punching and beating commence. Indistinct angry yelling can be heard

Donut: Someone get this maniac turquoise guy away from me!

Tucker: I'M AQUA!

Cut to Locus on an outcrop watching the group from afar through the scope on his sniper rifle

Locus: Huh. Unfortunate.

Locus then proceeds to activate some form of cloaking device.

Ash stops what he's doing and looks up to the outcrop. Xi flashes onto his shoulder.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

07-20-2022