Fade in to reveal the Red Team, Rebels, and Feds driving towards the Desert Refueling Station. Cut to the Reds, dismounted on their warthog, huddled up. The Rebels, Feds, and Washington dismount from their warthogs as well.

Sarge: Now look, the fact of the matter is the ability to fly north, and only north, is just gonna lead to more problems than it solves.

ABANDONED FUELING STATION

Simmons: Thank you!

Grif: Whatever, this road trip sucks!

Sarge: Nonsense! Road trips are an inherent part of the Red Team experience. Enjoy the exotic sights and sounds of this beautiful, albeit wartorn, land.

Grif: It's a gas station... that we've been to before! Seriously, there's like three places to go on the whole planet!

Washington approaches the Reds.

Washington: Alright, almost time to hit the road again.

Simmons: Any word from the away team?

Washington: They found some sort of giant alien temple shooting pure energy into the sky.

Grif: (sighs) What'd I tell ya? Blue Team problems.

Washington: You know, I think it's really admirable that you all choose to stay and fight for the people of Chorus.

Simmons: Oh. Thanks, Wash.

Washington: When I first met you all, I honestly thought you'd never amount to anything but you've really proven me wrong.

Grif: Uhhhh, cool. Thanks, dude.

Washington: Sure, you may not be the most conventional soldiers but no matter the challenge you always manage to find a way to come out on top. And that's something really special.

Sarge: What's going on with you?

Washington: Me? Nothing.

Simmons: No, you're acting really weird.

Washington: I just want you all to know how much I appreciate you. (brief pause) That's it.

Grif: YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA FUCKING DIE!

Washington: (quickly) No, I don't!

Grif: No, you do, you definitely do! You're getting all sentimental and shit!

Washington: Nooooo, guys. Come on, you'll be fine! I've got total faith in you. You're some of the best soldiers I ever knew.

Simmons: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PAST TENSE BULLSHIT?!

Washington: Look, I just want you to know, I'm proud of you. I'm sure if you stick together, you'll be okay. What unit are you in?

Sarge: Volunteered for the front lines!

Washington: Oh...

Grif: YOU WHAT?!

Simmons: SARGE!

Washington: Well, look on the bright side!

Awkward beat.

Grif: You know, if you say that, you're supposed to follow it up with the bright side!

Washington: (solemnly) I know.

Cut to the Blues, Ash, and Dr. Grey at the Jungle Temple.

"A true warrior?" Church asks.

"Of physical strength and mental clarity." Dr. Grey states.

"Well it's a good thing I'm here." Tucker says.

"That's cute." Carolina says.

"If anything it'd be me." Ash says.

"No way!" Tucker says. "You may have the strength, but your mind is all fucked up."

"Oh, fuck you!" Ash yells.

"Obviously I'm a true warrior. Plus, I got the sword. That means I'm the chosen one."

"Finding a sword in a hole doesn't automatically make you an unstoppable badass." Church says.

"Oh, why don't you tell that to the last alien temple I lit up!" Tucker says.

"Tucker has a point." Dr. Grey says. "It's possible that merely carrying the sword through the portal will override the need to be strong and intelligent."

"Yeah! Wait, I'm strong and intelligent."

"No, you are not." Ash says.

"Eh, you have your moments." Caboose says.

"Well, we're low on time and it's the best lead we've got." Church says.

"Fine." Carolina says and she turns to Tucker. "Just... be careful."

Tucker: Nothing to worry about baby. (lights up the sword) I am a true motherfucking warrior.

Tucker jumps into the portal screaming and is almost instantly thrown out of it, hitting a boulder.

Tucker: (stands up) Whoa! What happened?

Epsilon: Wow.

"Apparently, you're not a true warrior." Carolina says.

"Or maybe he's so good he passed the test super fast." Caboose says.

"Or it didn't like him and immediately kicked him out." Ash says.

"What did you see?" Dr. Grey asks. "Tell me about the other side. Did you make contact? Oh, and... how are you feeling?"

Tucker shakes his head. "I saw Felix."

"The mercenaries were already there?" Carolina asks.

"Well, I don't think it was really him. He showed up, then another Felix showed up. And the next thing I know there were a million fucking assholes all over me. Same thing with Locus, I couldn't fight them off!"

"You weren't strong enough." Dr. Grey says.

"My turn!" Ash yells. 

Ash reaches to the back of his head and takes out Xi's A.I. chip and hands it to Dr. Grey. 

"I'll be right back." Ash says and he jumps into the beam.

Ash looks around and he's in some sort of forest.

"Where am I?"

Alien Voice: WHO. ARE. YOU?

"I'm Cyprus Ash." Ash says. "Or am I, Agent Minnesota? I really don't know who I am really."

The alien voice hums.

"Ash?" A female voice says.

Ash tenses up and freezes. "Cal?"

"Help."

Ash turns around and sees Cal, in her Spartan armor, laying on the ground.

"CAL!" Ash yells and he runs over to her.

Ash kneels down to her and sees her cracked helmet.

"Just gimme a sec." Ash says and he reaches for her helmet and takes it off and throws the damaged helmet to the side.

Ash looks down to his older sister.

"You're bleeding." Ash says in worry. "What happened?"

"Why weren't you there, Ash?" Cal asks.

"What?"

"You weren't there, I died and you weren't there. I died all alone."

"No, no, no." Ash says and he starts to panic. "I couldn't, I-I was- I didn't-"

Ash grabs his head and holds it in pain. Ash takes a few deep breaths and he looks up and suddenly a Gravity Hammer hits him in the face and he goes flying and lands on the ground.

After a few seconds Ash groans and he looks up to see snow.

"Snow?" Ash asks. He stands up and looks around. "Woooow."

"This.... is familiar." Ash says.

Ash begins to walk towards the ship. 

"Why does everything feel a little heavier?" 

Ash makes it to the crashed ship.

"I've been here before, haven't I?"

Ash looks around and he spots Carolina unconscious at the side of a cliff.

"Carolina!" Ash says and he runs over to her.

Ash stops a little ways from Carolina.

"Carolina!" Ash yells. 

Suddenly Ash hears footsteps behind him. 

"What-?" Ash turns around and suddenly coughs as he's stabbed in the gut by the blade of the bruteshot.

Ash looks down to the blade inside of him and he looks to up to the Meta.

The Meta growls and rips the blade out of Ash's stomach and he falls to his knees. 

The Meta kicks Ash onto his back and walks over him towards Carolina.

Ash begins to choke and pass out.

'What's happening.'

.

.

Ash comes out of the beam and he falls to his knees, coughing. He rips his helmet off and takes rapid, deep breaths.

"Wow, dude!" Tucker yells.

Everyone runs over to Ash and Dr. Grey crouches down to him.

"Are you okay?" Dr. Grey asks.

Xi appears from her A.I. chip and looks up to Ash.

"Ash, what happened?" Xi asks.

Ash takes a few deep breaths and calms down.  Carolina hands Ash his helmet and he grabs it and puts it on.

"I was in a forest of sorts." Ash starts.

"Was it a nice forest?" Caboose asks. 

"I didn't take time to look."

"So it was a nice forest. I like nice forests."

"Caboose, stop." Church says.

"Sorry." Caboose apologizes. 

"Then Cal was there."

"Cal?" Dr. Grey asks.

"That was Ash's late sister." Carolina says.

"Oh, sorry."

"Then suddenly I was on this snowy planet with a giant Crashed space ship." Ash continues. "I think it was sidewinder."

"Back when the Mother of Invention crashed." Carolina says.

"Yeah, you were there but unconscious."

"Definitely when the Mother of Invention crashed."

"Then the Meta was there." Ash says.

"The Meta?" Church asks.

"Yeah, but I think he killed me?"

"Killed you, so you're a ghost?" Caboose asks.

"No, Caboose, just killed me in there."

"So-"

"Moving on." Ash says and he stands up. "I need a few moments to think about what I saw."

Ash walks off.

Carolina turns around and looks at the beam. "Well, now it's my turn."

Flash cut to Carolina in more or less the same place Locus wound up in. She raises her rifle.

Carolina: Epsilon, you seeing this. (Epsilon doesn't respond) Epsilon?

Alien Voice: WHO. ARE. YOU?

Carolina: I'm your true warrior.

Suddenly, Tex walks out of a corner.

Tex: Actually, that would be me.

Carolina: Tex?

York: Hey there, Carolina.

Carolina turns around, lowering her rifle. She's looking at all of her old Freelancer teammates: York, the Twins, Maine, Minnesota, Wyoming, C.T. and Florida. Cut to Carolina, outside the beam, talking with the rest. Ash is off to the side sitting on a crate with his head resting in his hands.

Carolina: I said I don't want to talk about it.

Epsilon: Carolina, all I saw, when I went through was static. You gotta tell us more! You saw the Freelancers, then what happened? Was there crazy karate? Big gunfight?

Carolina: No, there was no fighting. They just... look, it doesn't matter.

Tucker: See?! Not as easy as it looks, huh?

Carolina: I will throw your ass right back through that portal if you don't-

Grey: Okay, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

Tucker: Man, whatever.

Grey: We can't give up hope. The government spent ample time studying these relics and we've only been here a few hours!

Tucker: Did they make any progress?

Grey: Actually they got fed up and abandoned all of their work. (Cut to reveal a crate with a note saying "Will return in: FUCK YOU!")

Tucker: (sarcastically) Great. Super inspiring.

Epsilon: I just wish the inscriptions weren't so vague. True warrior? Mental clarity? What does that even mean?

Caboose: Uh yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the opposite of false warrior. Duh.

Epsilon: Caboose, not now.

Caboose: Yeah, I'm just saying we can at least cross that off the list. You know.

Carolina: (annoyed) Caboose.

Caboose: The false warrior. That is.

Everyone: CABOOSE!!

Caboose: Well excuse me for trying to help! I am going to go find the bathroom. (walks away)

Epsilon: Jesus, that empty headed little... wait a minute. Empty head.

They all look at each other.

Tucker: No way.

Flash cut to Caboose having entered the portal.

Caboose: Hey, this isn't the bathroom.

Alien Voice: WHO. ARE. YOU?

Caboose: I'm Caboose.

Alien Voice: Hmm, you... are not like the others.

Caboose: Yeah. I'm blue.

Alien Voice: Your mind... lacks fear. Doubt is non-existent. Completely absent of negativity.

Caboose: I'm sorry what you were saying something?

Alien Voice: And your strength...

Caboose: Yeah. I have been told, that I am an excellent listener.

Alien Voice: I've increased the gravity tenfold since you've arrived.

Caboose: What's a tenfold?

Alien Voice: You... haven't noticed?

Caboose: What a tenfold is? You know I-I don't know you. You're the one who brought it up.

Alien Voice: Hmm. Then it seems that you (a red light materializes in front of Caboose, taking the form of an alien) are a true warrior.

Caboose: Neat.

Flash cut. Caboose returns to the temple.

Caboose: And we're back!

Carolina: Caboose!

Grey: Are you okay?

Epsilon: What happened?

"That was kinda quick." Ash says as he walks back over.

Caboose: Ah, well ah yeah, I went to the bathroom and then I met an alien and we became friends and he told me everything about the universe and the meaning of life and then-

Tucker: Wait! An alien?

The alien A.I. appears behind Caboose.

Alien A.I.: Greetings.

Everyone takes a step back, taken by surprise.

Epsilon, Ash, Grey and Tucker: Whoa!

Carolina: Jesus!

Alien A.I.: My apologies, but is there anyone else I could speak to? Perhaps someone with a broader vocabulary?

Carolina: Who- What are you?

Epsilon: (quietly shocked) He's an AI...

Xi appears. "Wow... so cool."

Alien A.I.: Correct. I'm a construct left behind by my creators to ensure that their gifts are passed on only to those who are worthy.

Caboose: Yes. And that is why I have named him: Santa.

Carolina: ...Santa.

Caboose: Santa.

Tucker: Santa?

Caboose: Yes. Santa.

Santa: Santa.

A brief moment of silence occurs.

Church: Santa, the alien AI construct.

"There have been weirder names." Xi says.

Santa: It is an honor to meet you, noble warriors. (bows in front of the Blues, Ash and Dr. Grey)

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07-26-2022