Fade in to Crash Site Alpha. Two Feds - a Technician and a Soldier - are taking cover behind rocks and ship wreckage. There's a firefight ongoing around them.

Lap Fed: Oh God, I'm hit!

Crash Site Fed: Medic! We need a medic over here!

The Rebel Medic runs to them.

Rebel Medic: I'm a medic! Calm down, soldier. Where are you hit?

Lap Fed: Oh, those bastards got me. They got me right in the lap!

Rebel Medic: Alright, ah... I'm sorry, what was that?

Lap Fed: Urrgh, the lap!! I was shot in the lap!!

Rebel Medic: So, like your upper thigh?

Crash Site Fed: Didn't you hear him? He said HIS LAP!!!

Lap Fed: Oh God, my lap!!

Rebel Medic: It's just that that's not really proper anatomical-

Crash Site Fed: (interrupts) Well, excuse my friend here for not being a certified medical genius!!

Lap Fed: Ungh, come on, lady! I need some slack, I'm bleeding out here!!

Rebel Medic: Um, right. Sorry. Are you hit anywhere else?

Lap Fed: Uh, my tummy!

Crash Site Fed: They got'im right in the tummy.

Rebel Medic: (sighs) This is gonna be a long day.

The Reds drive past in their Warthog. Cut to the Reds, Grif stops the Warthog.

Sarge: Simmons! Status report!

Simmons: We're completely surrounded, severely unprepared and reinforcements aren't coming any time soon!

Sarge: (climbs out of the warthog) Excellent news!!

Grif: Excellent?!

Sarge: I was beginning to worry this wasn't gonna be much of a fight! But ya gotta hand it to those villains, always one step ahead. (chuckles) You can learn a thing or two from them, Simmons.

Simmons: I'll be sure to keep that in mind if we survive, sir.

Grif hops out of the warthog.

Grif: (mockingly) Any bright ideas, Colonel?

Sarge: The way I see it, we'll punch through the Pirates' defenses with an adrenaline-fueled slow-motion car crash! Thus creating an opening for us to escape and allowing me to scratch one more thing off my "fuck it"-list.

Grif: How do you just make something slow-motion?

Sarge: If it's epic enough, life finds a way.

Simmons: Love the enthusiasm! It's great, sir. Really. But don't you think we could try something, that won't get my head blown off?

Sarge: You could always switch seats with Grif.

Simmons: Done.

Grif: (gets in the warthog) Screw this! We're regrouping with Wash!

Sarge: (climbs in, while Grif drives off) You just always have to suck the joy out of everything don't ya?

Cut to the Jungle Temple. The away team is still safe inside the Bubble Shield. The four Pirates are standing by, guns raised, in case the shield drops.

"So.... any ideas?" Tucker asks.

"Well, if I get out there, I'm gonna punch one of those motherfuckers then I'm gonna throw a motherfucker into another motherfucker." Ash says.

Xi flashes as she looks up to him. "Y-You won't sssurvive that."

"It takes a hell of a lot to kill me."

"Epsilon, prep the Speed Booster, then drop the shield on my mark." Carolina says quietly. 

"That's not gonna work!" Church says.

"My leg's fine. I can take it."

"It won't work!" Church states. "Just think of something else before we run out of power." Epsilon disappears.

"Xi?" Ash asks.

"I've got nothing." Xi says then she disappears. 

"Yo, Kringle!" Tucker says to the alien A.I. "These guys are gonna kill us if you don't throw down some alien magic and help!"

"It is not my place to meddle with human affairs." Santa says and disappears.

"Oh, fuckin' cop-out!" 

"Quick! Everyone, into the portal!" Dr. Grey says.

"It just leads to the testing grounds." Carolina explains. "We'll be tossed back out."

"Not all of us. Caboose could- Oh, Caboose!"

"Hello!" Caboose greets.

"I need you to hold onto Freckles as tight as you can." Dr. Grey says.

"Ah! Yeah, right, I do that anyways. It's how I show affection."

"His guinea pig never stood a chance." Tucker says. "Rest in peace, Mr. Frittles."

"As soon as I'm gone, drop the shield." Grey says.

"Where are you going?!" Carolina asks.

Space Pirate 1: Whaaaat's she up to?

"Yeah, kinda with the Pirates on this." Tucker says. "What exactly are you doing?"

"Well, if I explain it, they'll hear me!" Grey says.

Space Pirate 2: No we won't! Our hearing is terrible!

Ross: Yeah, we didn't even hear that.

Space Pirate 2: (whispering) Shut up, Ross!

"Please, just trust me!" Grey says.

"It's our only plan." Ash says.

Carolina sighs. "Church?"

"I'm losing it!" Church says through Carolina's helmet. "Don't have much of a choice here."

"Alright."

Grey: Freckles! Run command "Aimbot"! (jumps into the gateway)

The flash when Grey teleports blinds the Pirates. The shield drops and Freckles quickly guns down all four Pirates, before deactivating the command.

Caboose: Okay um, that was not actually my fault.

Freckles: Hostiles eliminated.

"That was cool!"

Tucker: Dayamn! If we put Church or Xi inside a gun, you think he could do that?

Epsilon: (appears beside Tucker, his image flickers and distorts for a moment) Don't even think about it.

Xi flashes onto Ash's shoulder. "I would, but I'm not that type of A.I."

A flash and Grey's back.

Grey: Oh goodie, you're alive.

Carolina: Huh, guess she really is the smartest person on the planet.

Grey: Oh stop, I'm not that great! I mean, the Aimbot function only works like half the time, so it was really just a coin toss.

Epsilon: Wow, you really need to know when to stop talking.

D520: (over radio) Agent Carolina, this is Pelican Delta Five Two Zero. We are approaching your position. Prep your team for evac, over.

Carolina: What? No! I told Doyle to send troops to the mountain temple first.

D520: (over radio) ...He did, ma'am.

Cut to a Pelican landing near Sharkface and his Falcon. Felix and 5 Space Pirates exit the Pelican, Sharkface joins them.

EASTERN MOUNTAIN RANGE

Sharkface: This is as close as I could land. Temple's at the summit.

Felix: Any sign of the enemy?

Sharkface: Visually no, but this place is messing with targeting equipment.

Felix: Then let's get this over with. (turns to the Pirates) Fan out and form a perimeter! (turns back to Sharkface) Don't wanna miss all the fun back at Alpha.

Camera pan to show the temple in the distance. Cut to Felix, Sharkface and a space pirate walking on a bridge to the temple.

TEMPLE OF THE KEY

Sharkface: This is it.

Felix: (sarcastically) Oh good. You know, I really wasn't sure, until you said that. Why don't you put those amazing powers of observation to use and stand guard, okay? Okay. (walks into the temple)

Sharkface: ...Is he always like that?

Space Pirate 3: You just kinda learn to tune it out.

Cut to Felix walking inside the Temple.

Felix: Hey, Freddy Krueger! There's nothin' in here! Do we gotta do something? Say the magic words? Sacrifice, like... a goat?

A large avatar of Santa appears behind Felix.

Santa: You are too late.

Felix: (turns around, gun raised) Whoa!! What!? What do you mean "too late"?! Where's the sword?

Santa: It has already been claimed by another. (disappears)

Felix: (lowers DMR) No.

Cut to reveal... Doyle with the Chorus Key running out of the temple.

Felix: (off screen) GODDAMNIT!!!

Doyle: (looks behind himself) Eh, oh Lord. Of all the people on this planet, why am I the only one down with this bloody thing?!!

Donut: (over radio) Duh, because all your other men are flying to Kimball and Carolina.

Cut to Donut and Lopez piloting a Pelican high up in the clouds above the mountain.

Donut: Besides, you've got the best camouflage out of all of us.

Doyle: (over radio and yelling) Just send them back around and PICK ME UP FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

Lopez: El templo todavía está interfiriendo con nuestros controles. [The temple is still interfering with our controls.]

Cut back to Doyle, with Lopez on the comms.

Lopez: (over radio) Vamos a tener que aterrizar más lejos. [We'll have to land farther away.]

Donut: (over radio) Good point, Lopez. You get that, General?

Doyle: What!? No! I no hablo español!

Felix: (off screen) They're here!! Spread out and find them now!!!

Doyle: (whimpers) Just hurry! (runs away downhill into the valley)

Cut to the Reds with Wash and Kimball hiding in the wreckage of the ship they came to Chorus with.

Sarge: (speaking in slow-motion) Dirtbag!! (makes an explosion sound, then starts speaking normally) So, that's a plan. Whaddya all think?

CRASH SITE ALPHA • SHIP WRECK

Washington: ...How do you just make something slow-motion?

Kimball: We're losing men here! I need to start hearing some serious solutions and I need them now!

Sarge: Who said I wasn't serious?

Simmons: This ship still has a few pieces intact. If we could find one its engines and get it online, we might have a chance to escape.

Grif: Oh dude! Are you gonna fly us out of here?

Simmons: What? No, are you stupid?! Assuming the engines are as fucked as I think they are, I should be able to make us a smokescreen big enough to cover our escape.

Kimball: That's a start. Red Team, you and Wash take charge on this, let me know when you're ready. (walks away)

Washington: Can do.

Grif: Ehh, flying out would be a lot cooler.

Smith appears by the wreck.

Smith: Well, if it's an engine you're looking for...

Camera cut to reveal the Lieutenants.

Smith: ...I just happen to know where to find one.

Jensen: And I just happen to know how to work it.

"I'm good at being a distraction." Axel says.

Palomo: And I... am also here and... would like to contribute to the conversation.

Washington: Then let's get to work.

Bitters: Look, I-I hate to be "that guy"-

Grif: (interrupts) No you don't.

Bitters: But that area's getting hit hard. Sniper fire's coming out of nowhere.

Washington: You leave that to me.

Cut to the away team at the Temple of the Key.

TEMPLE OF THE KEY

Carolina: General Doyle, we've dropped in at your position. Pelicans are looking for a safe LZ. Where are you? Over.

Doyle: (almost whispering) I'm in a snowy area.

Carolina: Gonna have to be a little more specific, sir.

Doyle: (still whispering) Now isn't exactly a good time.

Camera cut to Doyle hiding behind a rock. Felix stops by, looking around, DMR raised.

Felix: Come on out, you prick.

Doyle shuts down his radio.

Carolina: Damn it! We need to find him.

Tucker: If we split up, we can cover more ground.

Epsilon: (appears next to Tucker) Okay, Scooby. Let's not make it too easy for the bad guys.

Carolina: (cocks BR) Church!

Carolina is aiming her gun at someone up at the ledge next to them: Sharkface.

Caboose: Jinkies! It's Sharkface!

Tucker: Caboose, if you're gonna give him a nickname, don't make it that stupid.

"He looks familiar." Ash says.

Sharkface: I underestimated you.

Carolina: We get that a lot.

Carolina fires, but Sharkface uses a Hardlight Shield to block the bullets.

Sharkface: Seems we're both looking for the same man. Bet you I'll find him first! (speeds off)

Carolina: In your dreams. (runs after Sharkface)

Epsilon: HEY!! WAIT!! (disappears)

Tucker: Hey, where are you going?!

Carolina: (sprinting) Split up and cover more ground!

Tucker: Oh, so when it's her idea, it's a good thing.

Grey: I wouldn't be too sure.

Freckles: Hostiles detected.

Camera pan to show two Pirates with BRs on a snowy ledge above the team. The guns click.

Tucker: RUN!!!

Tucker, Caboose and Grey run from gunfire. Ash runs off in a different Direction.

Grey: In here!! Ash!

"I'll be fine, just keep yourselves safe!" Ash yells as he runs.

They run into an ice cave and stop there.

Tucker: Whew! Think we lost'em?

An eerie voice is heard making ghost noises, with an echo.

Grey: (frightened) What was that!?

The voice moans again.

Tucker: Oh, man! Don't tell me it's alien zombies or something!

Caboose: Ugh, I know! It's like zombies are super played out.

The eerie voice moans once again.

Freckles: Friendly heat signature detected.

Tucker: Friendly!?

Doc: (laughs happily and shows up right behind Tucker) Thank God!!!

Tucker and Grey shriek and step back.

Caboose: It's Doc.

Tucker: Doc?!!

Doc: Oh, Tucker!! Caboose!! It's so good to see you! It was horrible!! Grif threw that future cube, and I was teleported away to some foreign place; another dimension where time and space refuted all logic as we know it! A place where I drifted for what seemed like an eternity! And after a while, I lost my mind! Then I found it! Then I lost it again. Oh, but it was the thought of you all tirelessly searching for a way to bring me back that kept me going all that time. And look!! Look how my faith in my friends has been rewarded!!! Oh, I love you guys!!!

Tucker: ...Wait... you were gone?

Doc: I... well, yes! Wha-why are you asking?!

Tucker: Since when?

Doc: Since when! Since the canyon!

Tucker: ...Really?!

Doc: Yes!

Caboose: (Tucker and Caboose swap looks) ...Yeah, I don't remember that.

Doc: WHAT?!!!

Tucker: Hey, Sarge.

Sarge: (over radio) Whaddya want, blue?

Tucker: Do you remember teleporting Doc back in the canyon?

Cut to Sarge with the Reds at the shipwreck.

Sarge: Doc? Nah, he's been with us! I think, or wait. Was he with you?

Tucker: (over radio) We found him in a cave! Says he was in another dimension.

Sarge: That doesn't sound right at all. (turns to Simmons and Grif) Grif! Simmons! You remember sending Doc to another dimension?

Simmons: Who?

Sarge: Doc! The purple guy!

Grif: Doc... (swaps looks with Simmons) ...Oh, yeah! I guess we did do that!

Cut to Tucker, Caboose, Grey and Doc.

Tucker: Yeah, I totally forgot too.

Simmons: Huh, I guess he's just got one of those faces, you know? Like really forgettable.

Tucker: Totally. Alright, we'll talk to you guys later!

Sarge: (over radio) Try not to die!

Tucker: You too! (turns off radio and turns to Doc) Man, I guess we just never noticed you were gone. Crazy, huh?

Doc: Huh, crazy. (starts chuckling) Crazy? (starts laughing) Crazy?!

Doc starts laughing madly, lapsing into Omega-esque maniacal laughter. Caboose starts laughing in a mock evil way too after a moment.

Doc: (in Omega manner) You incompetent fools! You will all taste OBLIVION!!!

Doc suddenly tackles Tucker and starts beating him up, still laughing like when he was possessed by Omega. Caboose is still laughing. Tucker groans with every punch.

Grey: Em... should we... do something?

Caboose: (still laughs, briefly pausing) Oh no, he's a friend. (resumes laughing)

Tucker: Ow, my insides- ! (interrupted by Doc's punch, Caboose still laughs for a moment)

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07-26-2022