Tucker: Wash!

Carolina: NO!

Sarge: Cover me!

"Fuck!" Ash yells. 

Ash runs towards Wash and he ducks under a few bullets and a couple bounce off his armor. Ash kneels down to Wash and picks up his pistol and shots the four zealots next to him.

Caboose runs up beside Sarge.

Sarge: Quick, Caboose, with me.

Sarge and Caboose run up the stairs

Sarge: (angrily) Remember us, you maggots!?

Red Zealot: Gods be damned! It's the Beast! After seven years of exile, the destroyer has now returned! The prophecy is now complete! The end is-

Caboose cuts the Zealot off by whacking him

Caboose: You! (Whacks a Red Zealot)

Caboose: Hurt! (Whacks a Blue Zealot)

Caboose: My! (Whacks a Red Zealot)

Caboose: Friend! (Whacks a Blue Zealot)

Zealot: It's over, we have lost! AAaaahhh!

The Zealots flee Everyone walks over to Washington's body.

"Wash, can you hear me?" Ash asks.

Dylan: This... isn't good.

Tucker: Do something! Someone!

Locus: A'rynasea! Come! Quickly!

A'rynasea, (an alien ship) flies into the hangar.

Locus: Help me get him on the ship. Now!

Tucker: Where are you taking him?

Locus: The nearest hospital. He needs immediate care.

Tucker: Well, I'm coming too.

Locus: No room.

Tucker: Fuck that!

Locus: (angrily) The enemy has a head start. If you plan on stopping them, your men are going to need you. Now help me get him on the ship!

A'rynasea leaves the hangar

Ash goes over to Tucker and puts a hand on his shoulder. "He'll be fine."

Cut to the Reds and Blues in the canyon.

Tucker: Fuck me! Fuck all of this!

Cut to Dylan talking to physicist, Dr. Johanson via radio.

Johanson: This is amazing, Dylan! Unbelievable.

Dylan: Why? How? What's it do?

Johanson: This, device, is incredible! No one in the lab has seen anything like it. Where'd you find those plans and pictures?

Dylan: That's not important! What matters is what it does.

Johanson: What it does? What do you mean?

Dylan: You're the physicist, tell me it's damn function, doctor!

Johanson: It's a joke machine, a prank! Who put you up to this? Those clowns at Stockholm?

Dylan: It's not a practical joke, it's a weapon!

Johanson: (Scoffs) Listen, Dylan. This thing is no weapon. It's nonsense. The sheeer sophistication of the nonsense is unfathomable. It would take the worst minds of this generation decades to come up with something this stupid.

Dylan: So, you're saying, "it doesn't work"?

Johanson: You sound concerned. So, I'll walk you through. Overall, it appears to be a self-powered tunneling device.

Dylan: A drill?

Johanson: A laser drill, yeah! Like you'd find on a mining platform, but the drill would take all the energy of a star to function.

Dylan: This makes no sense!

Johanson: And so we've come full circle. Most of the machine is power source, and that's the part that's pure poppycock, pardon my French.

Dylan: So, it definitely won't work?

Johanson: It works as a hilarious joke.

Dylan: (hesitates) Well, I guess that's all I need.

Johanson: I have to thank you for this, the lab life can get so boring, if you can catch my meaning. We're gonna have the interns plug it into the super computer simulators, for funsies. I'll let you know what we find.

Dylan: You're...welcome.

Cut to Tucker talking to the group, Carolina isn't there.

Tucker: Just great! So, all of this was for...fucking nothing.

Simmons: So what now?

Grif: Well, there's the smart idea, where we crawl back to base with our tails between our leg, or-

(Grif is cut off by Sarge)

Sarge: -We counterattack with everything we've got!

"I agree with that." Ash says.

Tucker: Be serious, guys. The Blues and Reds could be anywhere in the Galaxy by now.

Simmons: Eh, not anywhere. Temple did say Earth.

Tucker: So, anywhere on Earth. That narrows it down to just, one planet!

Dylan: Maybe he left behind clues. Jax,what do you have in the way of footage?

Jax: Well, I'm still sorting through the dailies, but I could be persuaded to show some raw clips! I mean, it won't have any color correction, or film grain, but...

Dylan: You gotta start somewhere.

Tucker: Then I guess you should all get started. I need some time to think, anyway.

Tucker exits, Caboose tries to follow.

Dylan: Let him go. He's, clearly processing.

Cut to the footage room, where a video is playing.

Simmons: Jesus! How much is there?

Jax: Ah, it's about 200 hours. You'll never know what you need in post!

Dylan: There! What's that?

Jax: That's nothing! I was chasing a moth around. Y'know, kinda going for a Terance Malick vibe, and I stumbled into this room that was totally covered in charts!

Dylan: Charts?

Jax: Yeah, see? Right here.

The screen shows a globe of the world, with an arrow pointing to an island, stated as, "Kill Zone".

Grif: What are they?! Is he planning a vacation?

Simmons: That close to the arctic? I doubt it.

Sarge: Those islands are of zero strategic importance the UNSC. Hm. Seems like a dead end.

Dylan: Okay. Everyone? I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but, you know that AI Assistant I've mentioned?

Carolina enters.

Carolina: Your dumb AI? What about it?

Dylan: He spent quite a bit of time in the Blues and Reds network, so he might have...information we can use?

Carolina: Bring him on out then.

(Dylan hesitates)

Carolina: What are you waiting for?

Dylan: I don't know how to say this, so...well, just don't kill me, alright? Or him. Vic?

Vic: (glitching) Don't listen to her, du-u-u-udes! You should totally kill me if it strikes your fa-a-ancy! No pressure!

Grif: Ah, no fucking way!

Simmons: God! What the hell is he doing here?

"You're shitting me, right?" Ash asks.

Dylan: He agreed to help me back in Blood Gulch, in exchange for a favor.

Vic: That's right, dudes! Dudettes! Vic has joined the gang, office-i-a-ly!...No takebacks.

Grif: I can't believe this shit!

Simmons: What the hell have you been doing all these years?

Vic: Hanging out with Grif's sister! What's up, dudes? Nothing to say about that, eh? No "bow-wow-chika-wink-wink"?

Simmons: We're not really in the mood.

Sarge: Do you know the villains' dastardly plans, or not?

Vic raises an electronic eyebrow.

Vic: If I say no, will you kill me?

Dylan: Vic!

Vic: (Glitching out) Alright, dudes! Calm down! Just joking! Things have been gettin' a little too seri-o-so lately, if ya ask me.

Vic: (Still glitching) Anyone miss the old days, where we were all goofing around all the time? Anyhoo-that Temple duderino was totes McGoats with that shiny new UNSC HQ on Earth.

Sarge: Hm. Sounds like an ideal target, alright.

Vic: Oh, this place is decked out like you wouldn't believe! Half a dozen check points, shields, a battalion of troops stationed there, an entire fleet in the orbit over head, and.... two hot tubs.

"How come our bases never get hot tubs." Ash complains. 

Simmons: That place is fortified against an all-out alien invasion. There's no chance in hell that the Blues and Reds are going to get within a hundred miles!

Dylan: Yeah, no kidding.

Grif: Alright, so what the hell are they doing?

Carolina: The world's best swordsman. The world's best swordsman doesn't fear the second-best. He fears the worst... because, he can't predict what the idiot will do.

Dylan: That's the key. We need to think like them. Like idiots.

Sarge: Why's everybody looking over here?

Dylan: Sarge, say you needed to sneak attack someone...

Carolina: ...who is in a heavily-fortified position.

Dylan: Unbelievable security, all around... what would you do?

Sarge: (laughs) Easy, peasy, Japanesy. I tunnel under their feet, and sneak attack from underneath! Just like it says on my tattoo! "Death from below".

Caboose: And tie their shoelaces together, so they can't chase after me!

Sarge: Whambo, bambo, jambo!

"Plant a bomb underneath them and take them all out!" Ash says.

Grif: Well, that was pointless.

Dylan: No, That's it! Look! Those islands are on the chart here. If we draw a line striaght through the center of the planet, it ends up here. Right through the UNSC Headquarters.

Simmons: (surprised) That's it? They're gonna tunnel from the Earth from those islands?!

Carolina: (decidedly) This is insane.

Sarge: It's diabolical!

Grif: It's really dumb...

(Grif Looks at Simmons)

Grif: So I buy it.

Dylan: It makes a weird sort of sense. According to the head of research at JPL, Locco's machine is a tunneling device.

Sarge: Red team! Blue team! We have the enemy's position. Let's pack up, and prepare to move on out!

Carolina: We should make a few calls before we go.

"I've got to sharpen my sword." Ash says.

Grif: Well, I hate to point out there's one other thing we're forgetting.

Cut to Tucker standing by the Blue's and Red's campfire. Grif approaches.

Tucker: Leave me alone, Caboose-oh...it's you. What do you want, Grif?

Grif: We know where they are, Tucker. We're going after 'em.

Tucker:...Is that really a good idea? Given our track record, I just...I can't imagine us doing anything but making this all worse.

Grif: What's gotten into you, man?

Tucker: I'm a fuckup is what! Just when I thought I was getting good at this hero stuff, I crashed, and fucking burned. I trusted Temple! I let down Wash, and I lost my sword! My fucking sword! I'm a...what's the word? (Pauses) "Liability". You ask me, we're better letting the authorities deal with Temple.

Grif: That'll go well. "Uh, hey, 911? It's the Reds and the Blues? Our evil dopplegangers are gonna shoot a laser through the Earth from some tiny islands in the Indian Ocean. Okay thanks. Bye!"

Tucker:(Hesitates) Fuck. Dude, I don't know if I can do this.

Grif: Well, with Carolina and Ash on the DL, we kind of need you, man. I mean, if the Blues and Reds challenged us to a hotdog eating contest, I can take 'em. But I got a feeling that it won't be that easy...

Tucker: I'm not a Freelancer, Grif.

Grif: I know! But, shit, dude! You're the best we've got! (Under his breath) Man, this feels weird....I don't know if I'm really cut out to give pep talks, Tucker. Can you just, uhhh, I don't know. Throw me a bone and come along, already?

Tucker: (Sighs) Tell me how special I am, Grif.

Grif: No.

Tucker: Please Grif, I need to hear it from you.

Grif: Fuck off, dude. (Irritated) Never mind.

Tucker: I'm not going anywhere, until you tell me I'm the best again.

Grif: (hesitates) Tucker, you're the best at, not using birth control!

Tucker: You know, your sister thought I was the best too.

Grif: (Mutters under his breath as he walks away) I should have stayed alone on the fucking planet. Volleyball Tucker knew when to keep his mouth shut.

Tucker: (having heard the muttering) Uhhh, what?

Cut to Tucker giving the group a pep talk in the canyon.

Tucker: Listen up, everyone! The Blues and Reds are trenched in. They've got numbers, and they've got guns on their sides. They've been planning this operation for years. They have a headstart, and they have a doomsday device. They also don't stand a fucking chance. I ain't much on speeches, so I'll make this short. We do this for Wash, we do this for Church, we do this for Xi, and we do this because, fuck those assholes. Buckle up, guys. We're goin' home.

Caboose: We're going to Blood Gulch?

Tucker: No.

Cut to a view of the Earth at night.

Tucker: Earth, motherfuckers.

Grif: Now that's a pep talk.

Scene cuts to black.

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08-02-2022