The scene opens on a vast snowy landscape with bright blue sky.

DOC: That was mental! Absolutely mental! What the heck did we do to her? And who was she? Grif? Grif! Say something!

GRIF: Can you please just give it a rest?

DOC: But Grif! What do you think it all means?

GRIF: I'm not thinking about it at all!

DOC: So you're just gonna ignore the giant, four-armed goddess in the room.

GRIF: All I know is if I don't figure out how this stupid machine works, we’re gonna freeze out here.

DOC: Let me take a look. I'm pretty good with technology. Better than I am with anatomy. [Nervous laughter.]

GRIF: Back the hell off.

DOC: I'm detecting some hostility from you. You mad... at me?

GRIF: I'm mad at everything! The world! The universe! I'm mad we got roped into some new bullshit, and yeah, I'm mad I got lost in time with this purple Brutus of an asshole, the least useful teammate ever—or should I say former teammate, since you cozied up with our enemies!

DOC: Yeah... It's okay you hate me. Grif, if I'm being transparent, I kinda hate me right now too.

GRIF: Oh God, Doc, please spare me.

DOC: Yeah. I should’ve figured out the Blues and Reds were bad guys sooner. Because I didn't, I'm responsible for all the violence, and the heartbreak, the death. For Wash being hurt, for Loco. I let down my friends on all sides, and... [Sighs.] I'm torn to bits about it.

There's a buzzing noise as Grif activates the time gun and opens a pink portal.

'DOC: Hey, you did it! You figured it out!

GRIF: No! I just found the shuffle button.

The scene cuts to Tucker and Sister in Valhalla, standing behind Red Base examining their time gun.

TUCKER: Seriously? Are you sure?

SISTER: I know that symbol! It's a shuffle button.

TUCKER: Who the hell builds a time machine with a shuffle button?

SISTER: Apparently God.

TUCKER: I don't buy that. I'm atheist.

SISTER: That's dumb. I'm militant agnostic. I don't know what's out there, and neither do you!

TUCKER: So, it looks like we’re in Valhalla, and I guess it's... maybe after we were living here? I don't see the crashed Pelican, so we don't have to worry about running into ourselves at least.

SISTER: It must be before. Some developers bought the land, and now Valhalla is all condos.

TUCKER: All right then. So we’re in the past. Now what? Do we try to Sherlock Donut's last message? Go and fix the past?

SISTER: We could, but... is there really a rush? I mean, we have a time machine, so we can do Donut's thing whenever. Maybe you and I can have some fun first.

TUCKER: Ohohoho, fun! You want to get down!

SISTER: Definitely! Shit's been gettin’ a little too real at work lately. I need a few weeks of dumb sex to get my head on straight.

TUCKER: Say no more.

SISTER: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Tucker?

TUCKER: Depends. How far backwards can you bend?

SISTER: Sean Connery's first for me, and that Daenerys Targaryen chick, and um, King Tut?

TUCKER: You want to use the time machine for autographs?

SISTER: What? No, dummy. I want to use it to bang dead celebrities while they're still young and sexy. Or when they're old and sexy! Or both! Man, I'm gonna have a field day with George Clooney.

TUCKER: Oh.

SISTER: What did you think I meant? That I wanted meaningless sex with you?

TUCKER: Well, yeah.

SISTER: Oh—n-no.

TUCKER: What? I mean, it's not exactly a stretch of the imagination. There's precedent! It wouldn't be the first time.

SISTER: Uh, yeah it would.

TUCKER: What about back at Blood Gulch?

SISTER: Back at Blood Gulch what?

TUCKER: We hooked up!

SISTER: No, we didn't.

TUCKER: Come on! After that fight with Wyoming and Tex? The cave?

SISTER: Oh, the cave! You count that?

TUCKER: Yeah, I friggin’ count that! We did a sex!

SISTER: I'm pretty sure we almost did a sex. But something happened and it stopped? I don't know. It wasn't very memorable.

TUCKER: But—but—but--

SISTER: Oh, did I just hurt your feelings?

TUCKER: No! [Walks away quickly.]

SISTER: Where are you going?

TUCKER: I'm going—for a jog. Get some exercise in.

SISTER: All right! Whatever. [Looks at the time gun.] How's this fuckin’ thing work?

SARGE: (voiceover) Watch your language, Simmons!

Cut to Sarge and Simmons

SIMMONS: Sorry, sir. I just can't figure this thing out. I mean, there's no room for technology in this device. There's no power source, no control board, no anything! It's basically like magic.

SARGE: Red Team's got a magic gun! Hoo-rah!

SIMMONS: We live in a world of science, Sarge. There's no such thing as magic. Doesn't this scare you?

SARGE: Scared, shmared, Simmons! We’ve got an objective to tackle. Donut told us to fix our past! And I know where to start! The Battle of Broken Ridge.

SIMMONS: Oh... Are you sure you want to reopen old wounds like that? It can't be healthy to relive such a traumatic experience.

SARGE: That's why we’re not going to relive it, Simmons! We’re gonna repair it. Just like Donut's incredibly clear riddle commanded!

SIMMONS: I think—actually, I insist that before we use this time machine... gun... we need to take it to a laboratory so that they can disassemble it and we can see how it works!

SARGE: Abso-frackin’-lutely not, Simmons! What if they can't put it back together! Like when you try to cheat with a Rubix cube. There's just pieces everywhere.

SIMMONS: I told you we should’ve just taken the stickers off. Sir, with everything that's happened—I mean, Donut dying and coming back, God, aliens, time travel? None of it makes any sense! Now, here, at least we have something in front of us we can get some answers from. We have a thing to study.

SARGE: Study, shmudy, you fuddy-duddy!

SIMMONS: But nothing about this situation makes any sense!

SARGE: Sense, shmense, Simmons!

SIMMONS: That's incredibly talented, but you can't rhyme your way out of everything.

SARGE: Smeverything.

SIMMONS: It's dangerous to use it--

SARGE: Blangerous.

SIMMONS: --without knowing what we’re doing!

SARGE: Fortune favors the bold, Simmons! You think Tommy Edison invented electricity by sitting around thinking about it? Heck no! He flew a kite in a goddamn lightning storm! Well Simmons, you're holding the kite in them there hands. Do you want to take it apart, or see how that baby flies?

SIMMONS: Interesting. So you're saying we should study it by using it.

SARGE: What part of ‘Study, shmudy, fuddy-duddy’ was unclear?

Cut to a mysterious new setting.

SIMMONS: Simmons’ Science Log, star date: the past. Chrononaut Dick Simmons has developed a controlled experiment to further the human understanding of time travel. Subject Red has decided to use the time machine to return to the Battle of Broken Ridge in order to, quote, ‘set right the course of history,’ unquote. We have thus traveled into the past. One small step for Simmons, one giant--

SARGE: Simmons! Who are you talking to?

SIMMONS: Euh, no one! I was—napping, while standing up. And I was talking in my sleep.

SARGE: Well, quit your Grifin’ and get over here.

SIMMONS: [Whispers.] Simmons’ log out.

Sarge moves to a ridge overlooking a battlefield on which a squad of Reds are under heavy fire from an unseen enemy. Simmons follows.

SARGE: Heh heh. Look, Simmons. It's just how I remember it. The enemy was dug in at the top of this here hillside. We'd been pinned down for days. Then, one day, moments ago, sniper took him out. And I finally got my chance. Look on down there, Simmons. You can see it happening!

SOLDIER 1: Lieutenant Sarge! Sergeant Lieutenant is down, sir! You're our commanding officer now. What do we do?

PAST SARGE: Well friends, there's only one thing to do! We must charge the enemy. I'll cover for you here, while you flank up the left side of this hill.

SOLDIERS: Sir, yes sir!

SOLDIER 2: I love you, sir!

PAST SARGE: Let me get a hoo-rah!

SOLDIERS: Hoo-rah!

SARGE: Look at ‘em go, Simmons! They’re--wait just a minute. They’re going the wrong way. I told them the left side of the hill!

SIMMONS: Well, Sarge, I mean really it is just a matter of perspective.

SARGE: Don’t you go starting up with that New Age Chomsky crap now, Simmons! No wonder they were massacred. I can’t let this happen!

Sarge runs down to meet the Red soldiers.

SOLDIER 3: We lost Rick!

SOLDIER 1: It’s okay. We’re halfway. Everybody get set. We’ll go after--

SARGE: What do you idiots think you’re doin’?

SOLDIER 1: Sarge? How did you get here?

SARGE: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future. Listen up. I order you idiots to double back to the bottom, and charge up the other side!

The Red soldiers obey his order.

PAST SARGE: What in Sam Hill are you men doin’ down here? I told you to charge up the left side of that hill. Sarge charge up the left side of that hill!

Cut to present Sarge.

SARGE: I said no such thing! Now get back down there and follow my orders!

SOLDIER 3: Sarge, sir! Theos is down! He's not breathin’!

SARGE: You tell that lazy idiot to wake up!

With Ash.

Ash walks past the dead bodies of German soldiers in a muddy and wet trench.

"Where are we?" Ash questions as he sets his Katana back on his back.

Xi appears on his shoulder, she glitches a few times. "From th-th-the looks of it and m-m-m-my digital clock. We are in-in-in-in France in 1917. World War One."

"I always wanted to be in a war!" Ash yells and a few bullets fly over his head. "HAHA! I FEEL SO ALIVE!" Ash runs down the trench.

"Shoulddddd'nnnnt we fffind a w-w-way to use the p-p-portal gun?" Xi asks.

Ash stops running and sighs. "I guess you're right." Ash takes the portal gun off his back and looks at it. "How do I use this thing." Ash hits the shuffle button and a portal opens in front of him. "Oh."

Ash jumps through the portal and it closes behind him.

A ways down the trench we see some British soldiers. "What the bloody hell was that?!"

Cut to Lopezvision. We see Caboose through Lopez's green-tinted visor.

CABOOSE: Wake up! Wake up, Lopez! Can you hear me? Blink once if you can still blink!

LOPEZ: No tengo párpados, Caboose. [I don't have eyelids, Caboose.]

CABOOSE: That's right, you fell, Lopez! You banged your head and your head fell off and I had to make a glue out of leaves and spit and glue and put your head back on your body, and do you feel better?

LOPEZ: No me siento todo mejor. [I don't feel all better.]

CABOOSE: That's good, you feel all better! I need—I need—I need your help, Lopez. We need to work together to figure out Donut's riddle. I only remember pieces!

LOPEZ: Salvar el futuro significa arreglar el pasado. [Saving the future means fixing the past.]

CABOOSE: Nah, I'm--I'm pretty sure it was in English. Something about savings... futures. And then a bit about fixed interest savings rates.

LOPEZ: No importa lo que diga. Solo vas a continuar. [It doesn't matter what I say. You're just going to keep going.]

CABOOSE: Savings for the future... savings for the future... means... [Mutters incomprehensibly.] Savings for the future means... fixed interest rates! You did it, Lopez! We need to start savings accounts! Come on Lopez! [Takes off, then stops short and feels for his pockets.] Wait... wait... where is it? [Whirls around.] Lopez, I have been robbed. My lucky penny! My lucky penny, Lopez, I cannot lose that! I love that penny! I remember when I found it just like it was—like it was yesterday!

Jump cut to yesterday. Caboose is in a corridor with two other Blue soldiers running up behind him. He reaches for something on the ground.

PAST CABOOSE: Oh look! A penny.

Cut back.

CABOOSE: Lopez, we can't start savings accounts if we don't have any money! We need to use this teleporter maker to retrace our steps.

LOPEZ: Dios mio, esto va a ser contraproducente. [My god, this is going to backfire.]

CABOOSE: Oh, it won't backfire Lopez. [Shoots a portal with the time gun.] Let's go!

LOPEZ: ¿Esperar lo? [Wait, what?]

Lopez and Caboose emerge from the portal in a grassy area framed by large rocks. It is soon revealed to be the island back on Earth when the camera pans, revealing the Reds and Blues gathered by their Pelican, just as they were when

CABOOSE: Hey look! It's everybody! [Darts out from behind a boulder.] Has anyone seen my penny?

PAST GRIF: Caboose! Focus! What did we tell you to do?

CABOOSE: Start a fixed-interest savings account!

PAST GRIF: No! Find Donut!

CABOOSE: Okay! [Runs back to Lopez.] They haven't seen it, Lopez! Better keep looking.

LOPEZ: Indefenso, miré el fin del mundo. [Helpless, I watched the end of the world.]

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10-11-2022

2070 words