The scene opens on a wide shot of a movie set, several low buildings lined with palm trees. At the end of a long walkway, a Pelican lands on a landing pad, and a red-armored crew member walks up to meet the passengers as they disembark.

GEORGE: Greetings! Agents Carolina and Washington! The Director is expecting you.

George leads Wash and Carolina inside.

GEORGE: Dear Director is in the middle of a very important meeting. However, I was told to let you right in.

He leads Wash and Carolina into a room where Jax is arguing with Kohan. Another crew member in white armor stands beside Jax, holding a rocket launcher.

JAX: You know how I feel about that word! Nothing is impossible!

KOHAN: Okay, it's not impossible, but... launching a camera on a rocket towards human actors is... it's extremely dangerous and probably won't even work.

JAX: [Laughs.] I'm not an idiot! I know it probably won't work. But that just means we have to do a lot of takes! It may take weeks.

KOHAN: We can't! We can't. Dear sweet Jesus, my chest. We can't-- [Collapses to the floor coughing and choking.]

JAX: We'll cram it in right before we re-shoot the first act. There's a defibrillator in the hallway, Kohan. Or do you need me to do that for you, as well?

GEORGE: Pardon me... ah... you have guests, sir.

JAX: IF THEY'RE FROM THE STUDIO, YOU CAN TELL THEM TO WAIT IN THE FUCKING TRASH COMPA—oh hey, it's Carolina and Washington! How the hell are you guys? How's the neck, Wash?

WASH: It's okay.

JAX: Oh, I'm so psyched you guys are here! Let me give you the grand tour.

KOHAN: [Still on the floor.] No... more... tours... we need... to shoot scenes...

Cut to Jax leading Carolina and Wash around the set.

JAX: Pretty incredible, isn't it? I had them recreate this place down to the very last detail.

CAROLINA: It's... uncanny.

WASH: We spent a lot of time here?

JAX: You don't remember? How does that even--

CAROLINA: How's the shoot going?

JAX: Well, we’ve had fires, sabotage, actors dying in strange circumstances, food shortages, paranormal activity, union strikes, lawsuits—in short, amazing!

CAROLINA: Are you being sarcastic?

JAX: No! See, the best movies have the most tortured productions. And this has been the most tortured production of all time! Ergo, this is going to be the best movie of all time!

Carolina and Wash exchange a look.

WASH: Makes... sense.

JAX: Oh! This way. You guys are gonna love this.

Cut to a horrifically accurate recreation of Temple’s trophy room, complete with actors in the armor of the ten dead Freelancers.

JAX: Nice, huh?

CAROLINA: Uh... certainly gives me the chills.

WASH: This your suit storage, or what?

JAX: Whoa—you don't remember this?

WASH: Some pieces of last year are... are still a bit fuzzy. What was it?

CAROLINA: We were... tortured.... here, Wash? ...You know, I'm starting to think this set visit was a mistake.

WASH: Nonsense. We were frozen. Stuck in here for a long time... then, Locus came? Hey, maybe this’ll be good for me. Help jog the old memory banks.

JAX: Not that I mind the company, but what brings you guys my way?

CAROLINA: It's... about the Reds and Blues. It's rather important we find them.

JAX: Well, look no further! Sarge and Simmons joined some weeks back.

CAROLINA: They're here? W-we thought—I'm not even going to tell you what we thought.

JAX: Which one... [Walks up to one of the actors.] Sarge?

BLUE ACTOR: Uh, nope!

JAX: [Walks up to the next actor.] Sarge?

PURPLE ACTOR: Over there.

JAX: The art department wanted to use mannequins! [Crosses the room to a soldier wearing a helmet like Illionis, but colored red.] Sarge? Sarge you can talk now. ...Simon says you can talk now, Sarge.

SARGE: Ho-ho, hey hey! What's crack-a-lackin’? How's the neck, Wash?

WASH: It's fine.

SARGE: If you came here lookin’ for a walk-on, get in line!

CAROLINA: Sarge! I... know this sounds silly, but for a while we were actually convinced you were lost in time.

SARGE: Lost! Hah! Never! I merely had to ask for directions... once or twice.

JAX: Uh... what?

WASH: Sarge. Do you have... a time... machine?

SARGE: Nah.

CAROLINA: Oh, thank God.

SARGE: I left it with Simmons! Back this-a-way.

Carolina and Wash exchange another look, and follow Sarge.

Scene cuts to Huggins and Grif on the move.

HUGGINS: Dop ba doo bop ch-ch-ka chicka-cha a-ding dong doot da doo wa boop. Ba doop doop doo...

GRIF: Sparky, what did we say about noise?

HUGGINS: We said no talking. This is more of a hum-sing.

GRIF: Well, none of that either! New rule.

HUGGINS: Rules, rules, rules! You're like Atlus.

GRIF: [Sighs.] Is... is Atlus the thing that attacked us?

HUGGINS: No! That was Kalirama, his wife! She's scary. I thought you didn't want to talk about god stuff.

GRIF: I don't.

Cut to Grif and Huggins sitting by a campfire at night.

GRIF: But they're not like, god-gods, right?

HUGGINS: They're god-gods!

GRIF: Bullshit.

HUGGINS: They're immortal creatures of vast power and wisdom. What do you call that?

GRIF: Powerful alien... something-somethings.

HUGGINS: Something-something god-gods?

GRIF: Whatever.

HUGGINS: The really old stories, the myths of my race, say that back when we were little more than patterns of flashing light in a celestial nebula, the Cosmic Powers came to us. They even looked like us! But bigger and more awesome. And they gave us language and religion and art and war. And probably did that to you, too. They made you!

GRIF: No one made me. I made me.

HUGGINS: [Huffs.] I'm talking about the greater human you. You all. Y’all. All y’all!

GRIF: What did we say about Southern accents?

HUGGINS: [In a Southern drawl.] That they're dang wicked awesome there, pardner!

Grif starts to laugh, and quickly disguises it as a cough.

Cut to Grif and Huggins walking through more green fields.

GRIF: So then I killed both those guys, right. But then Hans was all like, “I have your wife, Mister McClane.” And by the way, that was my old name. John McClane.

HUGGINS: Wow!

GRIF: Anyway. He made me meet him upstairs! So I go up there, hands up behind my head like, “Oh no! I’ma surrender!”

HUGGIN: [Flitting around excitedly.] Oh no, oh no, oh no.

GRIF: Then I reached behind my back, where I had taped this pistol. I grabbed the gun, and I was all like, “Yip--”

HUGGINS: “Yippee-ki-ay, motherfucker!”

GRIF: You've seen Die Hard?

HUGGINS: Yeah... I didn't want to interrupt your story, but my uncle has a cameo in that movie. He's on the headlight of the bad guy's truck.

Cut to Grif and Huggins, still walking over different terrain.

GRIF: It just keeps happening! I get a few moments’ rest, and then we go on another thing. And another thing. It never ends!

HUGGINS: And how does that make you feel?

GRIF: Like a pinball! Trapped in a--a never-ending cycle of shenanigans and adventures. It's like... it's like my hell.

HUGGINS: Sooo, back when I was totally creeping on you, I heard you talk to your BFF about pre-emptive laziness?

GRIF: What a disaster.

HUGGINS: Duh! You tried to outsmart Destiny. She's way too smart for that.

GRIF: Huggins, I don't believe in destiny.

HUGGINS: That's silly! You should meet her. She's got a wicked sense of humor.

GRIF: [Coming to the edge of a rocky cliff.] Whoa! That's it. We reached the end of the world.

HUGGINS: That's just the English Channel. By the way, can you swim?

GRIF: Hahahahahahaha—no.

HUGGINS: Plan B, then. How well does your suit recycle air?

Cut to Grif walking along the bottom of the English Channel with Huggins at his side.

HUGGINS: All I'm saying is this: sometimes when I'm zipping around space going really really fast, I have to go through clouds of gross gas! Euh, yuck! I could go around, or try to think about something else, or whine and complain and bitch like you--

GRIF: ‘Kay!

HUGGINS: --but it's best to just focus on getting through it as fast as possible!

GRIF: What, what are you—what are you saying?

HUGGINS: We’re both stuck in gross gas right now.

GRIF: You got no idea, buddy. I'm trying to hold it in.

HUGGINS: Metaphorical gas! We need to find a shortcut out.

GRIF: You're talking about work!

HUGGINS: Don't think about it as work! Think about it as, ah, proactive laziness!

GRIF: [Makes disgusted noises.]

HUGGINS: Yeah... probably won't work.

GRIF: No, not that. Another one crept out. Eugh!

HUGGINS: Gross!

GRIF: I'm a--I'm a fart submarine! Blub blub!

HUGGINS: Ugh! Nasty!

GRIF: The smell is so intense, I think it's become sentient!

HUGGINS: Agh, sentient smells are the worst!

GRIF: I can never tell when you're joking.

Cut back to the movie set.

SIMMONS: Sorry... I know it's around here somewhere. [Rummaging noises.] Ah, here it is, found it! [Electronic noise. Simmons stands up with the time gun.] Here we go... oh, wow. This is where it happens!

CAROLINA: What?

SIMMONS: You know what, forget about it. So, this is our time machine. What, you wanna hold it or something?

CAROLINA: [Frustrated.] What's the gag here? How's this joke end?

SARGE: No jokes! That's our magic gun! It opens up Donut Holes to the past!

JAX: Uh, bullshit.

SIMMONS: Yeah, I know what happens next. We prove it to you! Bingo.

[Simmons fires the gun, opening a portal that shows… Simmons, on a beach.]

SIMMONS: Hey, Simmons.

PAST SIMMONS: Whoa, cool. It's me! Hi, me!

SIMMONS: Hi, me! I'm you... from the future!

PAST SIMMONS: Neat! What's up, future me? Have you come to warn me about the terrible mistakes I'm about to make?

SIMMONS: Nope. I'm just showing Carolina, Wash, and Jax that time travel is real.

PAST SIMMONS: Oh, Wash, you're okay! Thank goodness! How's the neck?

WASH: It's fine.

PAST SIMMONS: Yo Sarge, Wash is okay, he says his neck is fine!

PAST SARGE: [Offscreen.] Tell Wash I said, “What’s crack-a-lackin’?” He'll get it, it's a thing between us.

PAST SIMMONS: I'm sure they can hear you, Sarge.

SIMMONS: See? Time travel. This is me and Sarge a few weeks ago. Or a few thousand years ago, depending on how you want to look at it. You see, we were recruiting some new Reds in Troy--

PAST SIMMONS: Sarge is trying to recruit Achilles, but we’re having some language issues! Now Sarge is trying to get through to him by pretending to be Zeus!

PAST SARGE: [Offscreen.] I'm the King of the Gods, you primitive screwheads! And this is my boomstick! [Shotgun sounds.] Ha ha!

SIMMONS: This is weird. I remember this conversation from the other side.

PAST SIMMONS: I agree. This is weird. Hey, future Simmons, can you give me some hints on how we can recruit this Achilles guy? He's a real dick.

SARGE: It never happens. I get frustrated and stab him in the foot!

PAST SARGE: [Coming into view through the portal.] Great idea, me!

WASH: I can feel my brain melting.

PAST SARGE: I stabbed him in the foot, Simmons! Ha ha. Let's boogie!

PAST SIMMONS: Well, looks like we gotta run!

The portal closes.

CAROLINA: I don't know how to process this.

JAX: Amazing! Time travel is real? I have so many questions! Wait! That's not his stage name!

SIMMONS: Yeah. And your new AD is actually George Washington.

JAX: And that dead dude! Uh, Alex?

SARGE: Alexander the Overrated! I mean, who dies of a common cold? He can't even conquer the sniffles.

SIMMONS: Yeah. Turns out his immune system couldn't handle modern germs. Whoops!

JAX: Oh my god, I have so many questions!

CAROLINA: Jax, we were hoping you'd have answers. Dylan said you are an expert on the subject of time travel.

SIMMONS: Yeah, I hate to burst your bubble but you really shouldn't go down that rabbit hole. Time travel is beyond comprehension. It's just beyond science!

JAX: Nonsense! Just because science can't explain it doesn't mean science fiction can't! We just have to figure out what type of time travel we’re dealing with.

WASH: How many types are there?

JAX: Two! Kinda. Three...ish. You can sort time travel movies by how they deal with paradoxes. [Writes PARADOX at the top of a whiteboard.] See, a paradox is a contradiction in reality. Say for instance, you go back in time and kill your younger self. Or you go back in time and prevent yourself from time-traveling in the first place. Paradox. Something happens that can't happen. Sarge? Ah, Simmons? Have you guys done anything that can't happen?

SIMMONS: I don't think so?

JAX: Movies deal with the issue of paradoxes a few different ways. 

Most films deal with the problem of creating a closed loop. Like La Jetée, like Primer, like Kyle Reese impregnating Sarah Connor... maybe like Sarge telling himself to stab Achilles in the foot. Everything you do in the past is part of the same timeline. This sort of travel makes the most logical sense, but there are really troubling free will issues. The other type of time travel is the alternate reality theory. 

According to that, when you travel through time, you're actually creating another reality or universe. Like in the JJ Abrams Star Trek reboot. This method deals with the paradox problem by ignoring it. It also implies that a time machine can create all the matter and energy of a new universe, so... yeah. No freakin’ way. Last and least is the flexible timeline. 

Marty McFly goes back in time and stops his parents from meeting. He undoes his own existence. The ultimate paradox! But he doesn't just vanish. Instead he's got this weird buffer period to fix it. Why or how this buffer period exists... yeah, no explanation. It... shouldn't. Which brings us back to Type 1: the closed loop. The most logical kind of time travel, but also the most... terrifying?

CAROLINA: What did you mean about free will?

JAX: Well, in a closed loop, you don't really choose what you do. You have to do what you did. What you will do, you have to do. You can't do anything that you won't do. You know what I mean?

WASH: Not even in the slightest.

JAX: Well, basically... it means we’re not in control over our own lives. Anything that you're gonna do with the time machine, you're gonna do. Y-you don't get to choose.

CAROLINA: [Wearily.] We’re getting into philosophy now.

SIMMONS: You're saying everything is pre-ordained? Like, by a god?

SARGE: No way! No higher power controls my destiny!

JAX: Oh. Oh! We can find out! Right now! We could run a test on free will!

WASH: [Skeptically.] What sort of test?

JAX: Okay, heh—here's the idea. Sarge, after this meeting, I want you to choose whether or not you want to use your time machine to hide inside this storage closet. Your choice.

SARGE: Okay, I'm gonna do it!

JAX: Nope, don't--don't say it out loud--

SARGE: Okay, I'm not gonna do it!

JAX: Don't tell me your choice. Just do it after the meeting--

SARGE: So I'm doing it?

JAX: No--

SARGE: Make up your mind already!

JAX: Think it to yourself--

SARGE: Right.

JAX: --and then do the thing afterward--

SARGE: I'm thinking to myself, I will hide in the storage closet!

JAX: Nope, just think it.

SARGE: Am I doing it or not?

JAX: Not out loud.

SARGE: I am gonna ace this test!

JAX: Right. So right now, one of us is gonna open this door. Now, if time-traveling Sarge is on the other side, he has to go back. If he isn't on the other side, then he can't go back. So--

SIMMONS: It's like Schrödinger's cat.

JAX: Kinda.

CAROLINA: So this test is going to prove or disprove the very existence of free will.

JAX: [Glances at the closet door.] Yup. [Long pause.] Sooo... who... wants... to open... that... door?

WASH: No fucking way.

CAROLINA: No thank you.

SARGE: Hell no!

JAX: Hahaha! Well, I'm not doing it.

SIMMONS: I'm not afraid.

Simmons stares down the keypad by the door handle.

JAX: Well?

SIMMONS: I'm doing it, I'm doing it! ...Eh, fuck it. Here we go.

Simmons opens the closet door. It slides up, and Simmons jumps backward.

EVERYONE: Aaaaaaaggghhh!

Behind the door is… Caboose and Lopez.

CABOOSE: Ah, hello!

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10-13-2022

2597 words