Scene opens on the home of the Cosmic Powers, a towering palace seemingly floating on clouds against a blue-black expanse of stars and blue-green aurora.
HUGGINS: Okay, Huggins. Lord, I come with news of the Shisno. [More confidently.] Lord, I come with news of the Shisno. [Quietly.] Lord, I come with-- [Louder.] Dad, I--fuck! I come with news of the Shisno!
ATLUS: We are waiting.
HUGGINS: I’ve made progress, Lord Atlus!
ATLUS: Ah! You’ve smashed them to dust!
HUGGINS: I don’t have hands, my Lord.
ATLUS: Then why even bother standing before me?
HUGGINS: I can’t actually stand, Lord Atlus?
GENKINS: You too?! I can’t stand him either!
HUGGINS: I have spoken to the Shisno, Your Mightiness, and--
ATLUS: You what?
HUGGINS: We--uh, we had a chat?
ATLUS: A what?
HUGGINS: A chat? A chit-chat?
ATLUS: You spoke with the Shisno?
GENKINS: Oh, this is going to be good!
HUGGINS: I had no choice, Lord Atlus. We can’t harm them, and they--they don’t know what they’re doing! I-I thought we could reason with them--
MUGGINS: You speak to the Cosmic Powers, flashlight! These mortals are insects to be stepped on, not debated.
HUGGINS: You look like a flashlight too, but whatever. Please! Lords! Ladies! It is hard to swallow. The truth often is. To save ourselves, we must invite the mortals to parlay and convince them to stop. If I am mistaken, Lord Atlus, I welcome your punishment.
ATLUS: [Growls.] Ahh! I must think. [Rises and starts to leave.]
KALIRAMA: You better not go off turning into a swan.
ATLUS: [Waves hands.] Oh, you mean my ONE OUTLET! Why even be "God of Gods"...?!
The scene turns to a night sky, panning to a bright moon. A bolt of blue energy strikes it.
ATLUS: [Hurling blue lightning at the moon.] Hahh! Zap! Shazam! Lightning bolt! Zanzibar! Boom-shaka-laka! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
KALIRAMA: [Approaching from behind.] So this is where you go.
Camera zooms out to a small structure seemingly floating in space, with a wide balcony on one side, where Atlus and Kalirama now stand.
ATLUS: I do not speak to mortals.
KALIRAMA: As Goddess of Death, nothing would please me more than to annihilate these Shisno. But as Goddess of War, I feel our best strategy is diplomacy.
ATLUS: Diplomacy! I could uproot a tree with one eyelid!
KALIRAMA: Which is impressive and utterly irrelevant, dear. It feels dirty, but we must… entertain these mortals.
ATLUS growls.
KALIRAMA: Also… Huggins has not gathered all of the mortals. We must... convince these three to allow us an audience with the others.
ATLUS: Rahh!
Atlus fires a bolt straight from his forehead at the moon, shattering it on one side. Then he starts weeping.
KALIRAMA: Let it out. [Atlus continues crying.] There you go.
ATLUS: (sniffle) Fine. Invite the Shisno to parlay. I will awe them. Convince them! Appeal to their basest desires.
KALIRAMA: Yes… speaking of… I’m a little jealous of that moon right now.
ATLUS: Hm? Oh! Oh, really.
KALIRAMA: [Spreading her four arms.] Smite me?
ATLUS: Huggins? Huggins, I’ve changed my mind! We will meet in… ten? [Looks at Kali, who holds up all twenty fingers.] Twenty minutes!
Cut to Grif, Kaikaina, and Tucker on a sandy beach.
SISTER: Sooo… how was Italy?
GRIF: Doc betrayed me.
SISTER: Ooh… right.
GRIF: With his vegan gluten-free abomination!
SISTER: And then he stole your time gun?
GRIF: My what?
HUGGINS: [Appears.] Good news! They’re excited to meet you, and aren’t conflicted about it whatsoever!
TUCKER: What happened to the moon?
HUGGINS: Now, before they show up, I want to warn you all that the gods are super easy to offend. You guys need to have court etiquette, yeah?
SISTER: I’m a lady.
HUGGINS: You’re here to hear them out. So, let’s just everybody be cool.
GRIF: We’ll be on our best behavior.
HUGGINS: Okay. Good. [Nervous laughter.] We’re ready!
A blue hole opens in the sky, growing in size, and an enormous Atlus steps through, with a smaller Kalirama and another god at his side, and the Golfer bringing up the rear.
HUGGINS: My Lords and Ladies! I present to you the--
TUCKER: [Cutting off Huggins.] So, we finally meet! Again. This time, King to King.
HUGGINS: [Flitting around in agitation.] No no what are you doing?
TUCKER: I’m not digging the size differential, if I’m honest. Make me as big as you.
HUGGINS: Lord, I apologize--
ATLUS: Very well. You may share my stature, Shisno, here on this neutral ground.
TUCKER: [Quickly grows to Atlus’s size, his voice deepening.] Rad, I’m huge.
GRIF: Now me!
SISTER: I wanna be a fifty-foot womaaan!
ATLUS: No! There’s… no room.
Quick zoom out to show Tucker and Atlus taking up most of the island on which they all stand.
GRIF: I’d like to formally complain!
TUCKER: Fee-fi-fuck off, Grif!
SISTER: Hey! Why can’t you both shrink?
ATLUS: Never! I am Atlus!
KALIRAMA: Dear, it’s just for the meeting--
ATLUS: I do not shrink!
KALIRAMA: So when you turn into a swan, is that swan just ridiculously big?
ATLUS: That’s different, and also private... Fine.
Atlus and Tucker shrink down to normal size. Atlus overshoots slightly, shrinking smaller than his companions.
TUCKER: Lame.
ATLUS: [high-pitched] Let us discuss the matters at hand.
TUCKER: Did your… voice get smaller?
ATLUS: [Corrects his size and tone.] A generous compromise. The pantheon of the Gods desires an audience with the rest of the Shisno.
GRIF: Uh, in exchange for this, O mighty, uh, Atlus… we, we would, we would like to be granted… uh, wishes three!
TUCKER: Me first! I want an 80-foot do-ong!
SISTER: He does not speak for us! Three feet is enough for any woman.
ATLUS: Huggins… explain this.
HUGGINS: A thousand pardons, my Lord. I told them not to--
ATLUS: I mean explain what he’s saying. Does--does anyone know?
KALIRAMA: They think us genies. They’re asking to have wishes granted.
ATLUS: Oh. Straight to it. Very well. Then let us bargain! What do you desire? Three wishes? Is that… total?
TUCKER: Yeah! Total! Exactly three!
SISTER: Tucker, you idiot! We could’ve had three each.
TUCKER: Okay. I wish for an 80-foot dong three times!
ATLUS: You… realize what is on offer, surely? Immortality? Riches! The universe itself is yours to plunder!
TUCKER: Oh, fuck. Can I change my order?
ATLUS: Yes.
TUCKER: I want a 200-foot dooooong!
ATLUS: Okay, I’m sorry. What is that?
MUGGINS: His… penis.
ATLUS: Oh! A man after my own heart.
GRIF: I wish for an energy sword just like Tucker’s! But longer!
ATLUS: Ah, simpler. Done.
An energy sword appears in Grif’s hand.
TUCKER: What? No! I wish for him to not have a sword!
The sword vanishes from Grif’s hand.
GRIF: I-I wish for my sword back! That’s three, dickhead!
ATLUS: Three wishes. It is done.
Grif’s sword returns.
SISTER: Hey. I didn’t get a wish!
TUCKER: Don’t you get enough dong?
GENKINS: It’s funny because she’s a hussy.
ATLUS: In return for this boon, you will gather the other Shisno. We will discuss matters further, including any other… dong-related upgrades. And Huggins… good work.
HUGGINS: Oh, thank you, Lord Atlus!
GRIF: [Swinging his sword.] Cha! Ha-cha, ha! Don’t be a sword loser! Stab you very much!
A portal opens, and the three of them find themselves back in the valley where Tucker and Kaikaina met the Cyclops.
TUCKER: This is some bullshit.
SISTER: You’re telling me. [Under her breath.] Dick.
GRIF: [In the background.] Have a knife day! Dagger nice day! Stab a slice day! I can do this forever!
TUCKER: What did I do?
SISTER: Tell you what. Take a few hours to think about it.
Sister opens a portal and disappears.
RIF: [In the background, still swinging the sword.] Don’t be blade for school! Shanks a lot! You like my screen saber?
Kaikaina reappears. It’s now sunset in the canyon.
SISTER: So… did you think?
TUCKER: Oh, I sure did. You know, it’s nice to just think for the hell of it. I’m feeling real... mindful.
SISTER: That’s not what I meant!
TUCKER: So first I thought, hey, I’m hungry for cookies! I ate a cookie with some earbuds in, and it sounded like being inside a snow boot, it was cool.
SISTER: Tucker--
TUCKER: Then, I thought, hey, it’s real fucked up we haven’t shared the tech behind unlimited salad bars with developing countries. Then I wondered if sloths have a mating yawn.
SISTER: Ugh, whatever! Forget it. [Turns to look at the setting sun.] After today… the gang will be whole again. No more Sis and Tuck’s Excellent Adventure. No more… us.
TUCKER: Good.
SISTER: I guess.
TUCKER: What was the point?
SISTER: [Laughs.] Beats me.
TUCKER: You know, you must really hate me.
SISTER: Tucker, you idiot, I don’t hate you.
TUCKER: Are you sure? You’ve managed to sleep around constantly, and still be… like…
SISTER: Be what?
TUCKER: Still be like… not sleeping around.
SISTER: I don’t follow.
TUCKER: J-just like…
SISTER: What?
TUCKER: You’ve just kinda…
SISTER: Tucker, spit it out!
TUCKER: You’ve just been kinda… frigid, I don’t know.
SISTER: What? Seriously?
TUCKER: I take it back?
SISTER: You know, I was just gonna be quietly disappointed in you, Tucker. But fuck you. You half a person.
TUCKER: Name-calling.
SISTER: You really showed your colors today, dude. You were the fucking King of England, but that wasn’t enough. You wanted your best friends to kneel, too.
TUCKER: And they wouldn’t! That counts for something.
SISTER: You crushed multiple lifelong fantasies of mine with multiple horses. You stopped me from having literal magic wishes.
TUCKER: That wish thing was mostly Grif.
SISTER: I’m not frigid at all. I just won’t do you! And it hurts your big gross ego. Do you realize how narcissistic you are? I mean, do you even know?
TUCKER: Please, tell me.
SISTER: Take a look at your whole sex-obsessed thing, shall we? You’re all about fillin’ holes, right? [Mockingly] Bow chicka bow wow.
TUCKER: Damn straight.
SISTER: The big hole in your confidence, huh? And you throw women at it to plug it up. Never touch the sides, do they?
TUCKER: Hey.
SISTER: You think you’re a sexual person? Dude, fuck off. I am a sexual person. I love to feel. I’ve fucked in the eye of a tornado. One time, I jilled it ‘til I got a friction scar. I kissed a girl at New Year’s so hard, she was wearing my heart-shaped glasses afterwards. I love it. You… only love you. And like an idiot, I actually… saw something in you. Something more than physical. I thought... I hoped- maybe, you might realize that if you had a few hours to reflect. But big surprise. A reflection only made you love yourself more.
Kaikaina storms off, leaving Tucker standing alone.
GRIF: Hoo, damn. That must’ve really… [Draws his sword.] cut you to the bone! Zow! Sword sword sword! [Zips away at great speed (somehow)]
Many Years Ago
Ash and Cal are in a locker room as they are putting on their armor. Ash puts his katana on his back.
"Y'know." Ash starts and he looks over to Cal. "I've had a lot of fun these past few months."
Cal, without her helmet on, looks over to Ash and gives him a soft smile. "Yes, I've had a lot of fun too." She puts her helmet on and looks back at her locker.
Ash grabs his plasma gun and sets it on his back, then he grabs the portal gun and looks at it.
What neither of the Spartans notices is that a pink portal opens up behind Ash.
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10-14-2022
1789 words
