Hi I am lily, I'm a high school student full of dreams and my life is almost the best but that night happened...
*the night of the accident*
Birds fly away as Lily pass by them in the street, the sun is almost set, the whispers of the night's cold wind is whispering in Lily's ears.
She hums while walking, *Lily, don't go too far or you'll regret it* a sudden whisper, she looks around but saw no one, she frowned and continues to walk home, crows squawking , a black cat pass by her but she doesn't bother.
*there was a car driving its way to the south*
"Man I thought it won't end, dang Bryan is always rushing home" a guy said to the driver, both of them are drunk, "Dude let it be that man has a family and us will always stay single hahahhahaha" the driver said still grabbing a bottle of beer, the two is not caring on what's in the road, Lily's house is across the road, she was crossing the road, when the car arrives the driver tried to make a break but the car is too fast...everything went black, a woman in kimono appears, "didn't I tell ya to not go far? What a silly stubborn girl you are" she said her eyes are red ,her hair is a long color black one with a flower clip.
*it have hit poor lily which lead her to a coma*
*Monitors beeping loudly,* The doctor talks to Lily's parents,"she has less possibility of surviving due to the injury she right now, if she is able to wake up she'll remember half of her memories because of the fatal hit on her head, "Is that how critical my daughter is? C-cant you do anything much?" Lily's mom asked and started crying, the doctor shake his head, "No ma'am sorry, we'll just pray for a miracle to happen" he said patting her in the shoulder, while Lily's dad is looking at lily by the window from outside.
Hi I am lily, I'm a high school student full of dreams and my life is almost the best but that night happened...
Hiyao, I'm a reader who just happens to be going around and pointing out stuff as I read cuz I have free time.
Birds fly away as Lily pass by them in the street, the sun is almost set, the whispers of the night's cold wind is whispering in Lily's ears.
It's very strange to go from 1st person point of view to 3rd person in one paragraph.
She hums while walking, *Lily, don't go too far or you'll regret it* a sudden whisper, she looks around but saw no one, she frowned and continues to walk home, crows squawking , a black cat pass by her but she doesn't bother.
Quite unusual for the dialogue to be between ** not complaint if it wasn't for the fact that you didn't keep on doing it like that afterwards. Then there's the changes of tense that occur very fast in the same sentence: present tense, present tense but then past tense, past tense and back to present tense, present continuous tense, present tense, and again, present continuous tense. That's including the part where nothing is added after the "she doesn't bother".
"Man I thought it won't end, dang Bryan is always rushing home" a guy said to the driver, both of them are drunk, "Dude let it be that man has a family and us will always stay single hahahhahaha" the driver said still grabbing a bottle of beer, the two is not caring on what's in the road
Two different guys talking in the same paragraph is very confusing. And when it ends with a "the two is not caring on what's in the road", I just feel lost. I mean, not lost in interest but lost in the whole writing. The issue there is that if you refer to two or more people/things/beings or anything in plural, you must use "are" instead of "is", and instead of "on" a better word would be "about", much like the "in" is incorrectly placed where the "on" would be, usually.
Lily's house is across the road, she was crossing the road, when the car arrives the driver tried to make a break but the car is too fast...everything went black, a woman in kimono appears, "didn't I tell ya to not go far? What a silly stubborn girl you are" she said her eyes are red ,her hair is a long color black one with a flower clip.
Everything here went too fast, and could've been placed on its own paragraph as well. I'm a reader, and my attention span is only long enough for so much explanation, so that last bit describing the woman's appearance, that was so misplaced that I couldn't help get a little annoyed.
*Monitors beeping loudly,* The doctor talks to Lily's parents,"she has less possibility of surviving due to the injury she right now, if she is able to wake up she'll remember half of her memories because of the fatal hit on her head, "Is that how critical my daughter is? C-cant you do anything much?" Lily's mom asked and started crying, the doctor shake his head, "No ma'am sorry, we'll just pray for a miracle to happen" he said patting her in the shoulder, while Lily's dad is looking at lily by the window from outside.
This part makes no sense for me, we skipped a very long time, and reached a point that includes the confusing, many people dialoguing in one paragraph, and the display of what a doctor must never do, which is, tell someone to just pray. And while the emotion of the mother was conveyed, the dad just rubs me off as a creep who stands outside the windows looking at you. Which doesn't make sense (see how it comes full circle?) because most hospitals would have emergency patients in places with no windows or at higher floors.
But, thanks for the chapter, though I must complain that it was too short for me to understand what the story will be about, and that's not good.
I get u sorry if I made mistakes but I will try to make it clear the story is not yet finish and the two person is in different paragraph I made i that way as if in another angle style, the story means the unexpected things happened or pop but thank u for telling me, I was just testing this platform