“You could be anything you want”
The child looks up to their guardians.
The child wonders what they could be or what they want to do and is unsure. There are so many possibilities and the child wants to try out a few of them (maybe a lot of them). Maybe by doing everything one by one they might find out what it is that they truly want.
The child asks their guardians for help, for advice, again and again...
But no one knows anything or is willing to answer the child let alone take them seriously.
The child tries to do different things to figure out what they like the best. But whenever the child tells their guardians about what they intend to do next, they get scolded for it. The guardians are always angry at the child for wanting to do anything, sometimes because it is a ‘low-class job’, sometimes because ‘that doesn’t pay well', sometimes because ‘it’s hard to do that much’, sometimes because ‘it’s dangerous’.
The child questions why are some jobs viewed in a bad light if they need to be done for a society to function? Why does doing something that doesn’t pay that well matter if that is something someone wants to do?
If doing something makes someone happy, shouldn’t that be enough reason for them to do it? But as usual, the child is ignored, and their mind starts to feel numb with ever-growing questions that remain unanswered.
The child is forced to do things that are ‘safe’, ‘reputable’ and ‘will eventually pay well’. The child hates being forced to do things they do not like. But since they can’t decide what they specifically want to do and aren’t allowed to try out the things that they might want to do, they are forced to do the things that others want them to do. Forced to become what others want them to be.
As the child looks in the mirror each day, they feel a certain sense of unease. They like themselves less and less as time goes on. Unable to pinpoint the cause of that unease.
The child slowly grows up while not liking it or not wanting to grow up. But unfortunately, time waits for no one.
---
“Instead of looking for something outside, you should look within yourself to find out what you want”
‘That’s interesting’ they think. It seems like one of the best pieces of advice that they have heard. But when they try to look within themself, they are only met with confusion.
Moreover, after looking within, they are unable to answer even more basic questions. They don’t understand who they are themselves.
Are they human, an animal, or a monster?
Are they male, female, or something else entirely?
Are they an individual, multiple people, or just an amalgamation of someone’s imagination?
What they are within does not match what they are on the outside. Try as they might but they are unable to rectify this error or even understand it. They realize the only human words that best describe their situation now is, an existential crisis.
Seeing no way to solve this major discrepancy within themselves along with an age-old philosophical conundrum, perhaps for the first time in their life, they give up.
The world within themself is vast, beautiful and mesmerizing.
The world outside has those aspects too, but it's also filled with people that force them to do things they do not want and live in a way they do not want. They might not know what they truly want but they are sure of what they definitely don’t want. And living in such a world is among the things they do not want.
They may not like the people of this world but they don’t want to hurt them either. They decide they will survive in this world for a little while longer.
---
As time kept flowing a few years passed by, the life they lived wasn’t great but it wasn’t the worst either. Their only method of survival was to spend more time in the world within. The only thing keeping them at bay in the outside world was being immersed in something. Sometimes Tv-shows or movies, sometimes the ‘safe and reputable job’, sometimes anime and most of the time novels to keep them engaged. Anything else they were either still not allowed to do or had already lost interest in doing after not being allowed to do in childhood.
The more they repeated their routine the more they were indifferent towards it. They always felt numb and could not find the will to go on. Their life just felt more and more suffocating with each passing moment.
They had to break out of this prison. Maybe go on an adventure. They decided, they will go on an adventure. Leave everyone behind. And do whatever they want to do. Try out different things.
But when they looked at themself in the mirror again they were harshly reminded of who or what they are. Even their body was a prison, one they could not escape even after setting out on their adventure.
Fortunately, there was one thing they still needed to do. It was a feeling they always had. It was a feeling to do something they always wanted. A feeling to ‘just dive into the ocean and it will solve all their problems’. They did not know what this feeling meant. They did not even understand it. Only that this was something they had to do. This was the only way forward. After all this feeling was something they always had even before they first started questioning what they wanted to do in this world. Even before witnessing the suffocating mundane reality of human society and the slavery of animals (for apparently animals weren’t sapient enough, Suffice to say they always saw animals be smarter than humans. Animals could understand what they were feeling or what they wanted to do much better than humans ever did but that conversation is probably off-topic here). They had no interest left in anything anymore but somehow their feeling towards the ocean only intensified itself. A feeling so strong that it never died down.
And so, they set sail to maybe finally find out what this feeling meant. As it was their last remaining feeling.
They looked deep into the ocean. And then looked back at the world. Thoughts were racing through their mind as they always did. Sometimes they wondered if they didn’t have so many thoughts, it would have been easier to fit into human society, at least somewhere.
Alas, they could never control their thoughts so there wasn’t a point in trying to stop thinking either. And they were sure they would not like being a non-thinking cog wheel in human society either.
They now looked back to the ocean again. They did not know what would await them deep inside. Whether it be a new life, an evolution, the afterlife, or just plain old boring death.
Once they close their eyes whether they would dream endlessly in their sleep or have a dreamless sleep. Whether they would forever remain conscious as the sea creatures devoured their body or will their consciousness fade into the world of nothingness. Most of the possibilities were honestly terrifying but at least they were still curious to know and they will soon find out. With that last thought, they dived deep into the ocean to experience what happens in the abyss.
