After a fraction of seconds in silence staring her in the eyes that displayed the seriousness that was impeded in her words I couldn’t thwart the globe of saliva escaping my mouth as I laughed hysterical- gathering the shocked gazes of the people present at the café. They craned their heads over their chairs to see what was going on.

My mom became flustered at my sudden outburst and didn’t know what to do except for watching me with a gobsmacked expression of how my body was quacking from all the laughter. The waitress that had served us before came to our table with a concerned face. “Is there something the matter dear costumer?” She asked, her eyes glancing from my mom to me. Tears were spilling from my eyes and I had to wipe them away. Clutching at my stomach that had started to hurt, I shook my head. “No-no, there’s nothing going on. She just told me an amazing joke. Sorry for the disturbance.” I said between snickers before quieting down and giving the woman an assuring smile.

She nodded her head hesitantly and walked away, but not before throwing a wary eye at us. Seeing how everything was alright everybody in the store went back to what they were doing, minding their own business.

Bringing my attention back to my mother, I said as I exhaled with a smile, “Phew, that was a good laugh. Sorry what you just said sounded so ridiculous that I just had to a laugh. Do you honestly think that I would say ‘yeah sure!’ and let you drag me to the depths of hell to rip me a new one?” I laughed dryly. I would rather jump over a bridge than go through something like that again. Besides, I’m already a full-grown adult with her own apartment.

Mom’s hands formed into a pair of fists on the table beside the coffee mug. “Jeremy isn’t like that.” She said quietly.

I scoffed. “Yeah, I am sure that he hasn’t revealed his snake skin yet. Greg was also able to hold on to his facade until dad’s life insurance filled his bank account-”

SLAM!

Both her fists slammed down on the table, causing the cups on the table to wobble from the sudden turbulence. The whole café fell into silence, with everybody’s attention once again back to us.

“I said that Jeremey wasn’t like that. He’s nothing like that disgusting pig.” She gritted. Her hands that were tightly clenched trembled as her eyes were smoldering with resentment that wasn’t directed at me, but at Greg.

Quietly, with arms folded in front of my chest, I stared at her before ushering in a quiet voice. “Then what is he like?”

At the question, I visibly saw how her tense hands relaxed and her anger diminishing away as if at the thought of this new man extinguished any anger that resided in her. “He’s like your father,” she said with a soft smile on her face as her eyes settled on my face.

Vertical lines appeared between my brows disapprovingly hearing mom comparing a guy who she hasn’t known for long to dad. “He’s a sweet, kind, patient man with a dash of mischievousness.” She chuckled lightly while looking at her own reflection in the coffee. “He makes me want to be a better person. I wouldn’t be sitting here with you if it wasn’t for his support.”

My lips were pressing into a tight grimace. I brought my hands up briefly, covering my face to mutter under a heavy breath before pulling them away, “He made you want to become a better person?”

My voice that dropped to a quiet whisper didn’t reach mom’s ears, making her snap away from her happy thoughts. “What did you say?”

The hollowness in my heart expanded, causing my chest to cave in as I let out a forceful breath, trying to keep my voice even and steady. “He made you want to become a person. But I, your child, your flesh and blood, wasn’t enough of a motivation to become a better person?” My voice that came out strained was laced with melancholy and every word that left my mouth tasted bitter.

Realizing the mistake that she had made, mom’s eyes grew wide, and she was swift to reach for my hand. “No April, it’s not like that.” She shook her head vehemently while holding my hand with both of her hands, but I withdrew my hand, letting it slump lonesome at my side. “Don’t say that when it is exactly like that.”

I cast my eyes down at my hands, not wanting to look her in the eyes anymore in fear that I would tear up as I already felt the rim of my eyes going red and my jaw trembling. “Back when dad had just died, and you found solace with alcoholic drinks no matter how much I begged you, you would only give me empty promises to shut me up, but when a guy comes along and shows a bit of his teeth, you throw yourself in rehab.”

“April I-” 

It hurts.

“You were never there when I was sick, neglecting me. I was lucky if you even remembered that you had a child that you needed to feed, and it only became worse after you fell for Greg.” I spat his name out in disgust as saying it tasted like a mouthful of food gone bad. “You let him beat me, belittle me, scar me, and touch me inappropriately.”

It hurts. My throat is burning, my vision is getting blurry and my mouth keeps blabbering away the contents that were kept away in my heart. Each time I spoke, the more my voice became feeble and thin- breaking at the end of each sentence.

“Please April, I never meant-”

“Mom!” I called her with a hoarse voice, looking up from my empty hands to look in the brown eyes that tore up once they saw the broken look on my face. As I blinked with my eyes, trying to clear up my vision, I felt how tears were gliding down my cheeks. Few drops trickled from my chin down on the back of my hand and I realized that I was crying.

Huge body-shaking sobs tormented my body, each coming in a wave, and, with every sob, I let out a low whimper, making it even more difficult for me to annunciate anything.

“Did you… ever love me?” I whimpered lowly.

Mom stood up from her seat in a haste and came over to me. She installed herself next to me and cradled me in her arms. Placing her chin on top of my head as she rocked me back and forth whilst stroking my head with her hand, from crown to back. “Yes April, yes, of course I love you and I will always love you. God, I am so sorry for giving you such a harrowing childhood. If I could rewind time and do that all over again, I would do that in a heartbeat, but I can’t.”

From above me I could hear sniffing followed by a wet sensation touching my forehead before I heard a quivering voice filled with forlorn, “I’m so sorry, April. Sorry, sorry, sorry. After your dad died, something in me just snapped. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t feel happy and fulfilled anymore and that emptiness grew whenever I saw you, April.”

What?

“You look so much like your father,” she laughed between her sobs. “you’re basically his female version and seeing you reminded me every day that he was gone and that he would never come back. I-I couldn’t withhold the pain and loneliness and gave in to the intoxication, drowning myself with alcohol to curb down the pain. It slowly became an addiction and before I knew it, the damages were already inflicted.”

My head felt heavy and my throat became parched from the crying. My eyelids drooped forlornly. So, it was my fault that mom became like that? I thought and as if she could hear my thoughts, mom loosened her hold on me and pushed herself away, her hands holding my arms, just enough for me to look in to her eyes. “But April, it was never your fault. You’re not the blame for my weakness, my inability to cope with the pain. I should have cherished you, especially because you looked like your father, but I couldn’t see that and made the biggest mistake of my life.” Tears kept streaming down her face as she gave me a wobbly smile. Her hands that were holding my arms moved up to cup my face. Sniffing, she continued with a croaky voice, “I have hurt you so much when I should have protected you.” With her thumb, she wiped away a lone tear that had escaped my eye.

“Because of my corrupted heart, I filled these beautiful green eyes that I had always loved with scorn whenever they face me.” She took in a big shuddering breath. “I can only hope that you will give me one last chance to be your mom again.”

Her brown eyes pooled with so much sadness held me captive under their stare. Her fingers that were trembling against my cheek emitting the anxiety that was coursing through her body as she was fearing for my rejection. Turmoil of emotions was swirling around in my heart; anger, sadness, bitterness, hate, betrayal. Even after hearing her story, anger that I held towards her couldn’t be washed away with just that, but the pain in my heart had lessened a lot knowing that mom never truly hated me and for now that confirmation was enough.

“You have hurt me. You may never have raised your hands against me, but your disregarding attitude towards me wounded me far more than the physical abuse that I had to go under because of step-dad’s rage and for that, I may never forgive you.”

Hearing my response, mom became downcast and was about to retract her hands from my face, but I kept them in place, encircling my hands around them. Her eyes, that had lost all hope, saw the wobbly smile on my face that was now coated by tears and mucus running down my face. “But I am sure that my anger will dissipate over time if you will keep holding me in your arms,” I chuckled hoarsely. “They are surprisingly warm.”

Her eyes lit up and the corner of her lips pulled into a beaming smile as she nodded her head vigorously. “Yes…! Yes!” She then pulled me into her warm embrace, squeezing me tight. “Of course! I will hug you whenever you want to!” laughing through my tears, I hugged her back.

Sniffing sounds followed by applause that was accompanied by words of encouragement could be heard throughout the café. Our commotion had warranted some attention that I hadn’t noticed before as I was so engrossed in my emotions. The waitress came with a box of tissues that seemingly was already opened as she had to use them for herself seeing her eyes that were puffed and glazed with tears.

Mom and I both said our thanks and dipped for the tissues to wipe our tears and clear our noses. After calming down, we talked about a lot of stuff. About how we had spent the last years, our memories with dad and about Jeremey, who I may have judged wrongly. He really sounded like a genuine, grounded person. I couldn’t help but release a few chuckles here and there when she told me about the time that he had fell down in the river while fishing because the fish was too strong, pulling him along as it was resisting, but it turned out to be a small fish in the end! His clumsiness is parallel with dad.

“Who was the man that was with you the other day?” Mom queried. The sudden change in subject made me choke on the water that I was drinking, causing me to cough up a storm. “That-that’s the boss of the place where I work at.”

“Are you guys dating?” She asked with a sly grin, throwing another fast ball at me.

“No!” I screeched, feeling my cheeks warming up.

“Hmmm, that’s a pity. He sure fancies you.” She said as she took a sip of her coffee.

“No, he doesn’t. He rescued me from a gang of tugs who were harassing me that day.” I dismissed her speculations and instead made up a quick lie about what had happened that day.

“It’s that why you were in that state?” She asked.

I nodded and was quickly pulled closer by mom who was anxiously inspecting every inch of me. “Are you okay!? Did they do anything to you?” Worry puckered her brows and her hand cupped my cheeks as she was anxiously searching for any deformation. Seeing her in that state brought a smile to my face. “No mom, except for some few bruises. Mark was there in time to save me.”

Placing her hand on her chest, she sighed, relieved. “Thank heavens. But Mark? That’s his name? You sure seem to be close enough to say his name with no formality.” She commented teasingly, wriggling her eyebrows at me.

I felt my ears heating up and placed my hands on the table to push myself up. “I need to go to the restroom. Excuse me.” I said hastily while grabbing my bag and swiftly walked away, escaping in to the restroom.

Entering it, I placed the handbag on a small counter and continued to walk until I stood in front of a big round mirror with my hands leaning on each side of the sink and with my head hung low. I let out an elongated sigh. ‘Why did you run out of the conversation like that April!? Now she will think for sure that there’s something going on between Mark and me!’ I groaned inwardly, berating myself before raising my head to look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and puffy from all the crying. The tip of my nose was bright red and my hair that Mark had nicely rearranged was now tousled with few hair strands sticking out of the bun.

“God, I look like a mess.” I muttered, bringing my face closer to the mirror as I placed my hand on my cheek, but a cheesy grin that reached ear to ear overtook my face. I never thought that there was ever going to be a day where mom and I could converse normally with each other. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t feel awkward or if I am no longer skeptic of her, but one thing is for sure and that’s that my heart had never felt this light before as if the dark matters that were sticking to it were purified.

About to leave the restroom, I reached out for the handbag but accidentally knocked it over, making it land on the ground with a loud thud. As the contents of it spilled and rolled out on the floor, I felt my heart drop at the sight of the bag that costed more than my house rent lying on the unhygienic grim-looking floor.

“Oh no…!” Swiftly I crouched down, grabbed the bag, and dusted it down before gathering the other expensive objects from the floor.

“Hmm?” My hand momentarily halted above a small round object; small enough to fit between my thumb and index finger. Picking it up, I inspected it, squinting my eyes to turn the small object around as I slowly stood up. Red light was blinking on it, letting me know it was on.

After a while of staring at it, recognition slowly downed on me and I realized what the item was. Anger rose in me like a tide, stimulating my urge to strangle Mark to death.