“Over there! Tie him to that post!” yelled one of the men.

They put a bag over my head, but from the amount of walking and the sounds, I could tell we were outside the city. The smell told me it was some kind of farm or a barn.

The men tied me roughly to a thick wooden pole, and were finally kind enough to remove the bag from my head.

It was indeed a barn. One I may or may not have visited with a certain stressed farmer girl.

I was surrounded by five heavily armed men, all holding torches which were the only source of light, and finally the big man himself. Metaphorically speaking. His men were all taller than him.

“Well, well, well,” the man said, clapping his hands in eager anticipation. “Ken Kouboku. How in the nine hells does someone survive a crossbow through the chest?”

“The man at the healing house tells me it must have been a divine miracle,” I replied.

That earned me a backhanded slap.

“That silver tongue of yours, is what I’m gonna rip off first,” the man said, shaking off the pain from his slapping hand.

I have definitely been hit harder, on multiple occasions, by different genders and in different contexts.

“You have much room for improvement,” I said. “See, you have to know if you’re aiming for actual pain, or just a noisy spectacle, and how to minimize pain to yourself.”

Now, antagonizing the guy was clearly not in my best interests. But it was also fun. If I was going to die a third time, might as well enjoy it for a change.

“Knife!” he ordered the nearest henchman, who took out a freshly sharpened dagger and approached me.

Right. Rich people don’t do their own dirty work.

“I get the tongue first? Or the fingers?” the henchman asked. “If I get his tongue, he might choke on his own blood. Also would make screaming difficult.”

I was clearly not dealing with amateurs.

“Hmmm… alright, fine, go for the fingers first,” the rich guy nodded.

The henchman went around the pole to grab one of my wrists.

Death by torture was not on my bucket list of life experiences. Not this kind of torture at least. I had to use the only weapon I had at my disposal.

“Ok, ok, I understand you want to see me suffer, but since I’m clearly not going anywhere, could you at least do me the favor of telling me why before we begin?”

The rich man’s eyes lit up with flames of burning rage. “Why?!”

“Yes. A condemned man should at least know the crimes he’s being accused of.”

I felt the hold on my wrist loosen as the mercenary was thankfully professional enough to not interrupt his boss’ conversation.

“You stole Helena’s maidenhood!” the rich man barked.

“Helena?” I said, pausing to remember. “Brunette, deep-brown eyes, farmer’s daughter?”

“Yes! Her! You defiled her in this very barn you fiend!”

Good times.

Helena was definitely not a virgin when our paths crossed. But a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell. A gentleman also however needed more information.

“I’m sorry for my ignorance, but what exactly is Helena to you?” I asked.

“I…” the rich man began in overly dramatic fashion. “I loved her!” 

“Loved? Past tense?” I asked. “Did anything happen to her?”

“Yes! You soiled her, crushed her chastity, stole her innocence and stained her honor. A man of my status could no longer seek to marry her!”

Alright, so she wasn’t dead. That was a relief. 

Also, this situation was a bit too familiar to me.

“Look, I understand you’re slighted, but I swear on my honor, she didn’t so much as hint at having a boyfriend.” Or a husband. She had no rings nor signs of them. The girl seemed as single as single can be.

“You are a rake and a scoundrel! I wasn’t her boyfriend!”

“Not her…?” I paused, struggling to remember any men she mentioned. “What’s your name?”

“It’s Midas, and it’s the last name you will ever hear!”

Midas… Midas…

“Helena told me they struggled to pay for medical treatment for one of her brothers, and that they could just barely afford to feed everyone. She never mentioned knowing any rich people. And definitely none named Midas,” I said.

Who in the hell was this guy?!

“Of course she didn’t! We’ve never spoken until last week!”

“You’ve never…” Coins of realization were sliding down into my brain.

So it was like that.

“And you were secretly in love with her?” I said. “Waiting for the opportune moment to confess?”

A distant admirer. A one sided love. Some might call him a creep.

“And I paid for the medical treatment, and gave them some of the best cows in the region!” 

Oh… oh god. He wasn’t just a distant admirer. He was a full blown simp.

“And once I was ready to propose our marriage, I find out she is one of the women you seduced with your Charm magic!”

I certainly did not use any on her. Helena was quite receptive to my advances, and quite lovely in her affection. She probably used the ‘he charmed me!’ defense to publicly disassociate from the feminist enemy number 1. Smart girl. 

“But your crimes don’t end there!” Midas continued. “You’ve done it more than once!”

“I… stole her virginity more than once?” I looked to one of the guards for some hint of clarification if this was actually a thing in Mithuna. He just shrugged in response. He wasn’t paid enough to care.

“A month ago, I was walking to the house of Philippa to confess my love for her, only to see you sneaking out the back window!”

Philippa… the cute female guard at the south gate. 

“I understand your feeli–” I began.

“And before that!”

Oh god, there were more?!

“Lera! My beautiful Lera!”

Lera the guild clerk?

“Oh, how I loved her!”

And she never mentioned him. Not once. He wasn’t even an adventurer’s guild member. 

“And the very day I go to offer funds to the guild to fight the dragon!”

Oh no he didn’t.

“I find that you seduced her that night, and drove away the beast! Taking both my glory and my love in one night!!”

The man was a colossal simp, fell in love with girls he never exchanged a word with, to the point of desiring marriage… good god was he lucky to at least be rich. 

I was going to die. Clearly this was fate at work.

“Every time I fall in love! You are in my way!” 

“Look, I can’t help it if you don’t make a mo–”

“Again, and again, and again!!” he continued to ignore me completely as he ranted. “Always gods-damn Ken Kouboku there sneaking out the back!!”

And I had never even seen this guy before.

The man was positively frothing in the mouth from rage.

I was going to lose my fingers. One by one. Then he would take my tongue. And finally he would kill me. Hopefully.

Not that it would help him. It would soothe his rage for a week before someone else actually goes up and shoots their shot while he spends his time gawking and not showing his true intent.

Heck, he was killing the only man in town who could actually help him see the error of his ways and teach him the right path. 

Hold up… 

“Midas,” I began, my mouth working faster than my brain. “Before I die, I would like to reveal my secret, so that my knowledge may live on.”

“What secret, you devil?!”

I looked around at the guards. “Can I whisper it in your ear? Only those worthy must know of it.”

“If you think this will save you from execution,” Midas sneered and drew closer to me. “You are sorely mistaken,” he whispered menacingly.

“I didn’t use Charm magic on any of the women you mentioned,” I whispered.

“You are lyin–” Midas began.

“But I did use a secret technique, known to the clan I hail from,” I continued whispering.

“What clan?!”

“Shh! don’t let the whole damn barn know!” I whisper-scolded him. “I hail from Clan Pua. We are a clan of seducers and womanizers, and we’ve been honing secret techniques for seduction that have nothing to do with magic.”

“No such technique exists. I’ve searched the libraries of several towns. The capital even,” Midas whispered. 

Of course someone like him tried looking it up in the library.

“Oh, but it does. Have you never wondered why you see men who aren’t attractive or rich, with women far out of their leagues? Has it never driven you crazy that these beautiful girls choose such lowly men while ignoring you? Or how some just seem to be born with the talent to woo women?”

Midas paused. 

They always pause. 

“And how is it they do it?” he asked.

“That’s the secret. The techniques these men use without knowing, just naturally, accidentally stumbling upon in their lives - those are the techniques we in Clan Pua study, research, collect, refine and innovate on.”

“And how can one gain such non magical power?” Midas asked.

A second before he was planning to kill me, and I already had him hooked at the pitch.

“One needs a good teacher. We call them coaches,” I explained.

“I see what you’re trying to do,” Midas said, smiling and shaking his head. He stood up. “You think you can give me some bullshit book of yours, and run away before I realize I’ve been duped! Well tough luck, that trick won’t work on me twice!”

Twice? And I thought Mithuna was too primitive for people to know what bullshit online course marketing was. Someone was hustling.

“There are many swindlers who will try to sell you magic solutions and pills, but it is only the teachings of Clan Pua that have been proven and tested in the real world.” 

“I’m going to kill you, Ken Kouboku.”

“If I die, so do the secrets. I am, sadly, the last of my clan in Mithuna.” As far as I knew at least. “The feminists have hunted us down one by one so that we would never be able to initiate men into this secret world of ours.”  

I never lie.

“Just imagine. Knowing what to say. Being able to get the girls you really want, just like you’ve seen me do over and over. Who but a notorious womanizer like me could teach you this?”

Midas paused again. 

Yes. Use the logical part of your brain. Be the top-heavy man I knew you probably were. 

“Or you’re lying and will take the first opportunity to run away,” he said.

At most I over-promise.

“I offer a trade, then,” I said, cradling my hands metaphorically. 

“I will be your coach, help you get the girl you want, and you don’t execute me until then.” Asking him to spare me would be too much while he was still angry. He would be too distracted with success to kill me once we were done.

Midas paused, again.

This was my only chance to get out of this without being sent to Aphrodite empty handed a second time.

I could feel the guard behind me breathing down my neck, waiting to start cutting me as soon as the order was given.

“Fine,” Midas eventually said through a face contorted with conflict. The power of boner won over the power of anger. “I shall accept your offer.”

I sighed internally. Mostly because I literally couldn’t believe that worked. Midas must have been more desperate than I thought.

He stepped towards me, extending a handshake.

“But if I lose sight of you for a single second,” he said, waiting for an arm I couldn’t physically extend back. “You are dead.”

I actually pulled it off. I’d need to mark this as an achievement in my memoirs.

I would live to see another day in Mithuna.

There was some noise outside.

Everyone grew quiet to hear what it was.

And then the wall of the barn EXPLODED into splinters.

The guard closest to it was soon adorning a large, flame-red pitchfork.

“No, no. He is dead,” said the holder of the massive weapon, pointing at the now human sausage with a razor sharp, black finger. 

He had big black wings, horns and pitch black plate armor. 

So that’s what a demon looked like.