I believe one of the most difficult situations a person may find himself or herself to be in is when there is a clear dissonance between what the heart wants and what the mind wants. What happens is that there is this great war happening between the two inside a person, tearing him or her apart from within. One’s mind clearly knows what one should do, and yet the heart cannot get onboard with it, and so no will can be mustered to follow through. One’s heart also longs for what the mind clearly knows is no good, and so one can only anguish and play with fire.

That was how I felt like that evening and the whole Sunday that came after the movie night. I knew I should stop longing for Vivien. I knew I should let go of any and all kind of hope I may have to maybe one day we could be together. I knew I should instead be a good friend, one that supported her relationship. I knew I should move on and move forward.

And yet my heart could not follow through. No matter how much I tried to convince myself and reason with myself, my heart was not at peace. It did not want to give up what it wanted. It did not want to admit defeat even before it could actually battle. It did not want to give up hope. After all, what if this was just a test that life had in store for me, for us? Prince Charming had to fight for his princess, or so the fairy tales told us.

But I knew it was all a foolish notion. I wasn’t living out some grand romantic tale where I surmount all odds in order to win the girl. This was real life, and it was bigger than me. And sometimes you just have to admit that you might not be the main character of this particular love story. After all, Vivien and her boyfriend were together before I met her, and they will continue on even after I was out of the picture.

However on the Sunday evening, I chanced upon a screening of the movie 500 Days of Summer on a local cable channel. My friends had talked about it before, on how the movie was about the classic manic pixie dream girl trope. I thought the idea to be interesting, so I decided to give it a watch.

And as I watched Tom and Summer go through their seemingly perfect pairing crumbling upon the realities of who they really were, I realized that some things in life were simply not meant to be, not matter how seemingly perfect they were. But more than that, I also realized that sometimes what we thought to be seemingly perfect may just be a result of our clouded, subjective and one-side view of reality. And truth of the matter would be that it was never perfect in the first place.

And so from the unlikeliest movie, my heart was settled. This was a beautiful dream, but I was now ready to move on.

* * * * *

Monday came with a fresh dose of clarity of mind. It was though after having an epiphany, a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I did not know what else life might have in store for me as far as Vivien is concerned, but at least I knew that as long as I stayed true to my decision, I would grow from this experience.

* * * * *

<[email protected]> so…

<[email protected]> what did you think of the movie date :P

<[email protected]> er…

<[email protected]> it wasn’t a date

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> that’s clear to everyone :P

<[email protected]> it was!

<[email protected]> since the guy did not show up!

<[email protected]> that means you have a chance!

<[email protected]> wut

<[email protected]> v told me that he wanted to join when he heard about it

<[email protected]> but she wasn’t too enthusiastic about it

<[email protected]> maybe the guy sensed it?

<[email protected]> dunno

<[email protected]> but the point is that was your chance for the steal!

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> shirley

<[email protected]> i think for the good of everyone involved

<[email protected]> that’s probably not how we should look at the situation :)

<[email protected]> huh?

<[email protected]> i mean

<[email protected]> i kind of thought about it

<[email protected]> before the movie and after

<[email protected]> and i kind of realized that even if i don’t admit it

<[email protected]> part of me thinks of the what if

<[email protected]> you know, maybe there’s a chance

<[email protected]> aha!

<[email protected]> kyaaaah!

<[email protected]> i love it!

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> hold your horses

<[email protected]> i’m not yet done

<[email protected]> but i think it’s not really a very healthy kind of thinking

<[email protected]> it creates quite a bit of internal drama

<[email protected]> for me

<[email protected]> and that’s not really the best of experiences i must admit

<[email protected]> and you know

<[email protected]> we’re kind of being lousy friends to her

<[email protected]> when we look at her relationship problems as “opportunities”

<[email protected]> lol jude

<[email protected]> you’re being too emo about this

<[email protected]> i know right

<[email protected]> hahaha

<[email protected]> maybe i’ll become the successor to marco’s emo king status

<[email protected]> hahaha

<[email protected]> anyway

<[email protected]> but the point is nothing’s going to happen between us

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> but you know, what if they don’t end up together? :P

<[email protected]> they’ll be able to work it out

<[email protected]> i’m sure of it :)

* * * * *

And thus life went back to its regular programming. Sure there were some of the regular teasing here and there, but somehow I learned to look past them. They didn’t really mean any harm, and for the most part people were just trying to have some harmless fun at my expense. After all, an IT company needs its fair share of intrigue and gossip, right?

But a few days later, Vivien wasn’t able to join her usual lunch group because of some work tasks, and so she decided to join me for lunch. And there, an interesting conversation came up.

* * * * *

“Shirley told me the other day your boyfriend was supposed to join us for the movie. What happened?” I asked Vivien.

Vivien sighed.

“We’re kind of having a fight these days, so we’re letting ourselves cool off for a bit,” she replied.

“Oh…” I was a little surprised at her honesty.

“But it’s no big deal. This happens once a while.”

“Same arguments and fight?”

“Kind of. You know how I am good friends with a lot of guys. He gets jealous from time to time. He’ll get over it soon enough I guess.”

“I see.”

I wasn’t too sure what would have been the best reply. I wanted to be as supportive and as helpful as I could to them, but at the same time I was afraid to overstep my boundaries as well.

“Do you guys talk about it? I mean, about boundaries and what exactly makes him jealous?” I asked.

“Not really. We will both end up just getting annoyed I guess.”

“I think you guys should. You know what they say, relationships are based on communications. So you should figure this out together. Like, talk about the concerns of each one, and hopefully find a good compromise between the two of you.”

And then this led me to remember a story about a couple of friends of mine who I knew from my student days. And so I continued.

“I have these friends from back then. It was a guy and a girl, and they were best friends since their childhood. It was purely platonic mind you. But when the girl got a boyfriend, he was super jealous of how close the girl was to this male best friend. And it caused a lot of tension on their relationship. In the end, everyone had to adjust. The pair of best friends couldn’t be as close to each other as before anymore, because things changed. And the male best friend himself was the one who decided he should step back, because the relationship of the girl with the boyfriend was more important. So I guess what I’m saying is that you guys should talk it over when you are both ready to find an adjustment for both of you that works.”

Vivien sighed.

“I didn’t expect that one day I will be receiving relationship advice from you Jude,” Vivien quipped.

“Hey, even a broken clock can be correct twice a day, right?”

Vivien laughed in response.

“But thanks, Jude. Maybe it’s time we really talk about this.”

“Yeah, I’ll be rooting for you guys.”

* * * * *

I was finally ready to move forward for real.